considering hurting FH

[tangled_poison_ivy]

It's not that I don't love my Fiancee, I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't... but right now, I'm very annoyed by his spending habits. He tells me every month that he's going to help face money for the wedding, and I tell him that I'll help him budget. He keeps saying yeah, yeah, that'd be great... but his pay check comes in and he just wastes it. I'm still in College, so I'm not making as much money as him, and he keeps on telling me that we have all the time in the world to save, and he's now decided that he wants to start a business in the year after we get married, and is now saving for that too.. unfortunately, he got his paycheck today and went on a fishing trip with his father. Then, his dad told him that he needed help paying a bill, so FH gave him $400.00 for that....
I totally understand helping family when they need it, but his father does not need it! He makes more than FH and I combined, and spends most of his money going on elaborate trips, and buying cigarettes, and alcohol, and weed, and forgetting to do things like pay the bills. It's driving me crazy that instead of actually sitting down and talking with his father about this, FH just keeps giving him so much of his pay check, because it's his obligation as a child.
I know it's his money, but I'm really counting on his contribution to the wedding. He's already promised that he'd pay for 6,000.00... but he just can't seem to care enough to save. I'm soooo angry with him and his father right now!

[Lilith]

Do you have a joint account? Maybe you can open a savings just in your name and move money into it every paycheck.

My FH can't save money either. He gets his paycheck put into my account. I consider it our money, but if he wants to buy something stupid i will not let him have our debit card.

I know it sounds controlling but it does help...especially when his family comes looking for money AGAIN because they've spent it all on bs.

[tangled_poison_ivy]

Do you have a joint account? Maybe you can open a savings just in your name and move money into it every paycheck.

My FH can't save money either. He gets his paycheck put into my account. I consider it our money, but if he wants to buy something stupid i will not let him have our debit card.

I know it sounds controlling but it does help...especially when his family comes looking for money AGAIN because they've spent it all on bs.

yeah, we've discussed getting a joint account, but we'd both have cards to it.. and I know if it came down to it he'd take money out of it if his dad asked him for it, and I don't want MY wedding savings going to his ******* dad, on top of FH's. He has agreed though that when we get married to tell his dad that he can no longer give him any money.

[mitch]

Why is He giving His Dad money?

Did His Dad get a loan or something out for Him? Or is it just normal bills and stuff He is helping out with?

If it's normal bills then i can't see why He is paying. Unless of course He still lives with Him.

I'll be damned if My DH's Daughters were to ever pay out for our debts. They are ours and ours alone. Not something the Kids should be paying out for.

If the Kids are earning and living with us then they should pay some sort of Housekeeping. Electric, Gas, Laundry etc is not free. But they don't live with us and therefore we don't expect a bean from them.

I hope You get this sorted out before the Wedding. My DH was hopeless with money when we first met. He never had a bank account of His own with His first Wife. She used to give Him "Pocket Money" each day. So when it came to having cash He could easily get to He would spend spend spend.
So We sat down and went through every single bill coming in and sorted out a budget. Still paying for past mistakes. But heading in the right direction.

Money troubles are the biggest cause of Divorce / Separation. If You don't nip it in the bud soon it will only get worse and out of control.

Don't "Hurt" Him. Talk to Him. Good Luck.

[WebLady]

I think you may have two issues here; one that your FH is not responsible with his money and two that he seems too attached to his family, especially if his Dad also has a problem with money.

If I were you I would sit down and have a long talk with your FH and explain your concerns and that things HAVE to change. Tell him that as much as you love him you can't marry him if he can't be there with you in all aspects and contribute financially more in the relationship too. I would not be with someone that was bad with money ... I would certainly not get a joint account with them either!

Sounds like he needs to let go of his family/father some too; they may be enabling each other's bad habits. Not saying he can't have a relationship with his family and do things with his Dad, but he needs to make a better plan and budget his money better.

And he can't keep bailing his father out just because he is continually making bad choices with his money! Helping someone in a bad situation is one thing, but when it is their own fault and it happens often is a whole other thing and not good for either party ... tough love is needed! If his father thinks his son will always bail him out then he will not change. His father may get upset next time he needs something, but your FH has to put himself and his FW first and not enable his father's bad behavior.

Good luck to you both!

[gwenshack]

I think you really need to communicate with your FH about this topic - not just because you're worried about his contribution to the wedding, but because this behavior will not stop once the wedding happens - you need to figure out what kind of financial relationship with his family you'll be willing to have once you are married. And you need to voice that to your FH.

I like the idea of a joint account, but doesn't the idea that he'll have access to your hard earned funds worry you slightly if he has such a spending and loaning problem?

Good luck to you!