Am I irrational?

[LaceyinPgh]

Hi this is my first post so here I go.

My fiance and I just became engaged (2-25-05). We immediately set a wedding date and jumped into planning. We are having a huge wedding so we need all the time we can possibly get.

Anyway, our hometowns are approximately 45 minutes apart. We decided to hold the wedding in my hometown at the church I attended as a child. It is also the church that my mother and grandmother were married in. I think it will give a nice down home traditional feel to our wedding. For our reception we decided to hold it in the big city of Pittsburgh so we could have a more urban elegant feel to it. I view it as the best of both worlds. We expect my family to drive the 45 minutes to the reception and his to drive the 45 minutes to the church. We don't think it is that big of a deal.

His parents are throwing a fit about get this...having their guest have to park their cars twice in day. They don't understand why we don't just have the wedding at the reception site. If that is something you are doing, then great. I am just uncomfortable doing so. We are having our reception at a wonderful private athletic and dinner club. They did offer to let us convert the dining room into a chapel like setting and then move the guests into the main ballroom for the recepetion. But, I just don't like the idea of getting married someplace where after my wedding party leaves someone is going to be ordering the pasta special. This is after you take into account the history and tradition of where my wedding ceremony will take place.

So finally after that long diatribe...am I being irrational by having my guests park their cars more than once in a day? Is this a problem? I could see their argument if they were complaining about the 45 minute commute but the parking thing gets me, especially since we are having valets at the reception anyway. Is there anyone out there who has parked their car more than once in a single day and lived to tell the tale?

[usahgrad]

Ok...wow...I thought my family was bad. I have never been to a wedding that took place at the reception site. We always had to drive to the reception site. Plus, I think that gives a nice respite for the newly married couple before they are totally emersed in their family again. I think your idea is a very rational idea.

Now I'll bounce my family problem off of you. We'll share. :)

Once I get out of Texas, where I am for unhappy reasons (for more info read my post in Real Couples), I'll be moving to Ohio to live with my fiance. I love the area; it's absolutely beautiful and it's only three hours from my family so I decided to have the wedding there, so that I won't have to worry about long distance planning. My family (mainly my nosey aunt) declared that three hours was entirely too far to drive. So they may opt to go to Paris instead...(am I missing something?). I've decided if they don't think I'm important enough to drive to see my wedding, then I really don't care if they're there or not. It sounds terrible I know, but this is my special day. If I cared enough to go to someone's wedding in the first place, then I'd go full heartedly, no matter where it was.

Ironically enough, I've got the Simpsons on and it was Principal Skinner's wedding that wasn't...

[LaceyinPgh]

I don't get the whole willing to travel 8 hours to Europe versus 3 hours to Ohio thing. But then again I teach history and not math so maybe I'm missing some hidden secret with those numbers. I'll have to check on that.

You have the same attitude that my fiance and I have. If you care about us enough, you will drive to the wedding for his family or to the reception for my family. If not, we aren't sorry we missed you. We give a lot of our time going to family reunions, weddings, birthdays, and other important events. And when we go to all of those functions, we park our own car! :lol: It isn't asking too terribly much that they do the same.

I know that we are setting aside a block of hotel rooms for our out of town guests and for those who just don't feel like going home after the party. (We are having an after party after the reception since so many of our friends are from out of town.) Have you thought about doing that so that people won't have to drive the three hours back home? If you get a block most hotels will negotiate a very decent price. Often times they will even give you a free wedding night room as well.

And look at the worste case scenario...your aunt and her family don't come, you don't have to feed them which will probably cost you more than the gift they would have brought anyway. :wink:

[usahgrad]

That's true...it probably would save me quite a bit on catering---they eat A LOT!

We're definitely planning on setting aside a block of hotel rooms. We've got some family and friends in the wedding who will have to be there on Friday too, so, while we could put them up, it'll be nicer to have them in rooms. That way other people could drive down Friday and stay Friday and Saturday if they wanted to, make a weekend of it. I've thought about getting a suite Friday night and getting all the girls in there for a girlie night of toenail painting (I'm not spending money on pedicures...lol...and I'm getting gloves for the bridesmaids so they don't have to worry about their nails either) and story telling. That way on Saturday morning, I know where all the girls are and we can all get ready together. Hopefully I can find a stylist who wouldn't mind coming out there.

Good luck with your wedding! I've still got over a year and my family has already become frustrating. I think that's what they're supposed to do during the planning stages. :D

[LaceyinPgh]

I swore to myself that I wouldn't become stressed out over this wedding and making everyone happy. Within 24 hours of setting a date I was teetering on a nervous breakdown. His family didn't like the date. My mother didn't like that the reception was going to be in the city. Then I spend to spend a week trying to track my dad down in whatever country he was in to tell him. His response, "Why do you both want to ruin you life?" All of this was resolved by the smartest person I know, my 5 year old Goddaughter and flower girl who said. "Aunt Lacey it's your wedding, only you and Uncle Sean should worry about what you want." I was embarrased that a five year old figured that out when we couldn't. So when the planning gets too stressful or the people too annoying, just remember that it is your day as a couple. There is no way on earth that you are going to make everyone happy. So focus on what you want.

[usahgrad]

Aren't children wonderful? :D

I understand the situation with your family not liking the date. A few days after we declared the date, my other aunt...just as nosey, pushy...declared that my uncle will be graduating with his associate's degree on that day and that I HAD to change the wedding date. After much himhawing and speaking with my fiance to get just the right words, I wrote to her that we were not able to change the date for certain reasons and that we'd be happy to go down there at some point after the honeymoon to take him out for a congratulatory dinner. I also sad that I was sorry they wouldn't be able to come to the wedding. Well, she blew up thinking that she wasn't going to get an invitation because I said that she wouldn't be coming to the wedding. It was my uncle, god bless his ability to put up with my aunt, that threw water on the situation by pointing out that he wouldn't be done with his clinicals until late in the summer anyways, so he could graduate in December. Well, problem solved right? Wrong, I turn around and get guff from my brother for not changing the date because now he had to decide between his uncle's graduation and his sister's wedding. I had to inform him that he no longer had to decide and that my uncle had difused the situation on his own. Family is wonderful...really...really really wonderful.

[iluvweddings]

If it isn't too costly - did you think of maybe renting a trolley car, or even a small school bus as a shuttle. I think it is a bit much, and you want all of your loved ones to participate.
A lot of people may not attend the ceremony or the reception due to the driving. I know a lot of people often respond, it's your day - do it the way that you want, but... you still need to be reasonable.

GOOD LUCK!

[WhiskeyGirl]

I don't think its too much! People always just need something to complain about. I'm sure its not like you expect them to arrive 15 minutes after the ceremony and that they have enough time to drive that 45 minutes leisurely and get there in plenty of time. We are also having our ceremony a half an hour away from our reception. This way its gives US some time to ourselves and to have our photos taken without family milling around. As the above poster said that she thinks people may not attend because they are 45 minutes apart, well I think if they do not attend because of this, then what kind of family or friend would they be. They are just causing riples in your pond, but all of them will be there with bells on I am sure!

~CanadianBride~

Plus as always, It's YOUR day!

[iluvweddings]

Well, you can only decide what's best for you. But... I do believe it is too much for family and friends to drive 45 minutes for a 30 min ceremony, and then turn around and drive for another 45 minutes. If it weren't my immediate family, I know I would probable come to one or another. You have to remember - even though this day is special to you, people have lives and families as well. I hope that there are no children, because they will definitely be ansy by the time dinner is served. 45 minutes is a loooong time, not counting sitting there while dinner is being prepared. I would go with my first suggestion about the bus!
That's what I planned for my best friends bridal shower and bachelorette party (I have lots of fun and get to know each other games for the girls :wink: ) and it only cost me $85.00 for the bus to take the ladies from the bridal shower to the bachelorette party and then back to their cars.

GOOD LUCK!

[lacey_8_99]

You are not being irrational at all! 45 minutes is not that far, and the majority of weddings are held at a church and then the reception is at another location...so the parking issue is the most rediculous thing I've ever heard of. I could see if it was in NYC and they were going to have to pay for parking, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Stick with your plan, it is your wedding and you should do what you want. Plus, since the ceremony is in your hometown and from the sounds of it the reception is closer to your FI's hometown, everyone will be doing the same amount of driving...or atleast close to it.

Hang in there!

[LaceyinPgh]

Ok so my fiance wants to rent a car for his parents and sisters to ride down in and another for his grandparents. First, I don't think so. It's 45 minutes. These are people that have driven 2 hours because they heard something like "this bar has a great fish sandwich" They can drive 45 minutes to my wedding. I promise it won't kill them. I drive the 45 minutes to my mothers house like twice a week, I have lived to tell the tale thus far. Secondly, if i get his parents and grandparetsn a car then I have to get my parents and grandparetsn their own cars. So total I am looking at 6 town cars to rent. When he saw those numbers, his idea changed.

The solution is this. They are all perfectly capable of driving. His parents have lovely new cars. It isn't like they are riding in a 1975 unair conditioned Pinto. It is a 45 minute drive to and from the wedding site for them. As for my family, they aren't driving Pintos either. And it is a 45 minute ride from the ceremony ot the reception site too. Everyone has roughly the same drive.

As for our extended family and friends if they don't want to drive. Fine, I don't care. If they are that dedicated to us, they will show up. If not, one less mouth to feed at the reception.

As for the having to park issue, the church has a big parking lot with pull in spaces, they don't even have to worry about parallel parking. And, I am having valets at the reception site. They just pull into the parking garage and someone takes care of it.

And as for you Pinot drivers out there. (I am sure there is still a Pinto alive and kicking somewhere in America) I will pray that no one rear ends you and your gas tank explodes.

[usahgrad]

You could always rent a limo bus and have people reserve seats on it for a nominal fee. If people pay for a dance with the bride and groom why wouldn't they pay for a limo bus? Or you could suggest that they all chip in a bit and rent their own.

[WhiskeyGirl]

If it were me, I would adopt the same attitude as you have. You are already feeding these people and they are guests but they are not, invalids. They can drive to and from where you want them to go. Besides its like you said if you rent cars for one person then you may have to rent them for others.

~CanadianBride~

[usahgrad]

While I agree, I have to stick in that these are your parents and grandparents we're talking about and to top it off, you said it was what your groom wanted. Usually, grooms don't get too much say in a wedding. However, in the few areas that he asks for I think it's worth consideration. Or maybe your groom could foot the bill to have his parents driven out there. I think it's just a nice idea for your parents and grandparents---it's not implying that they're incapable of driving themselves. But these people either raised you or helped to raise you...if you think it's enough to say thank you with a plate of food, fine. It's your wedding. I'm just thinking that you should look at it from other sides.

[iluvweddings]

You said it usahgrad. I think sometimes as brides - we get into this hype about "It's my day". For you to say that you don't care is not true, or you would have never created this point. Although this day is about you and your husband to be and your future - you want people there to share that joy.
If your future husband's grandmother feels like it would be a burden to her, don't you think it's a bit selfish - not to mention a way to start this marriage with hostility? I'm just saying, put your pride to the side and really consider their feelings. These are your future in laws, and I wouldn't want my husbands immediate family to think that I am a total spoiled brat, that doesn't think of others.
A wedding is a choice, a chance for others to share in the happiness that you have found. It's not necessary to be married.
A marriage is a lifelong committment, long after "YOUR DAY" you will be married to this man and his family will always be his family.
I say avoid the hostility and try to appease at least his parents and grandparents.
I think you are being rather selfish myself.

Anyway, I wish you the best and let us know how it turns out.

[WhiskeyGirl]

I don't think you are being selfish...not at all. If its not in the budget, you just can't do it. Do what you want and don't think you are being selfish. Yes you will have to have these people as inlaws for the rest of your life but still, if they are going to be that petty, perhaps its not worth it, don't wrap yourself up in that, you need to remain positive and try and stay stress free. You can't make everyone happy, if you try you will just end up driving yourself crazy, believe me, I KNOW! Take care

~CanadianBride~