ok i vented on the "confessions" thread ...

[lilmsjess]

but now i'm 3 steps from bridezilla with BM

aside from her own craziness, it is apparent that absolutely no dress i choose will accomodate her

i'm fed up, i'm doing everything i can to help HER, and i finally blew it onto FH tonight, and he understood and said he'd already told me to quit helping her...my MOH (she's never met friends FW, only heard us talk of her), said that unless i'm asking them to bear unnecessary cleavage, or the "great beyond", then there's absolutely no reason for her to keep doing this ****.i really don't know what to do....i'm at the point, where i am a step away from giving her an ultimatum....fh and i are are doing all of this on our own, with about 145 kicked in from my mom as that's all she can afford, so she bought my bra and sucker panties(heehee), and the rest of the stuff for our centerpieces ... SHE on the other hand, is using her mom's credit card for ****, and is about to lose her house! i sat there while she was trying to find out if she could defer or skip payments because our friend no longer has a job(ok, right NOW he's considered active duty cos he's in training, after that he's a weekend warrior, but NO full time job!)...

today, i COMPLETELY blew her off, didn't answer my cell or texts, because i wanted to finish our newly renovated invites as well as my "family" place cards, and our speakeasy "admittance" tickets...and i had a ton of stuff to do like, make exchanges, make returns, find other little things i'd waited to go on sale(like the "diamonds" in my centerpeices, $2.50, hellsyeah!)...

so idk if she's mad or not, and right now i don't care...we started planning WAY before she did, and seriously, our friend gives off the vibe that althought he wants to marry her, he's surprised it's happening NOW...at with that notion, i'm a little worried to buy a BM dress, shoes, etc...i can't get my money back if all sales are final, and i won't make the money back selling it on ebay or craigslist

argh, this is where i fall into the mindset "it's my wedding, just wear the damned dress, you CANNOT wear foot flops, and i am NOT stressing about your sh*t when i have MY OWN wedding to plan for which the date was set MONTHS before you 2 even decided to get married now!"

aaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

lord help me......my MOH says to give her an ultimatum...either go along, or move along.....my MOH doesn't cuss, she barely screams or hollers, so i figure if she's saying this, then maybe she's right.....

ok, once again, like the "confessions" thread, i feel MUCH better...but i know it's not over. of course, not...the bull is just beginning...the buck STARTS here, it doesn't END here.

[WebLady]

I am a little confused as to how many issues and how many people are involved here :bbconfused:

I am sorry you are stressed and upset :hug:

We hear a lot about people having problems with BM's not liking the dresses and such and really it is sort of understandable in a way. Think about it from the other person's perspective ... brides are asking their friends to buy and wear a dress that they may not like, may not be able to afford and that they may not feel comfortable in. Some might feel taken advantage of in a way.

Sure if these people are your friends they should want to support you, and you should be able to have the wedding you want regardless of what others think ... but it does involve other people when we are talking about the wedding party and sometimes we don't think of their feelings and are more worried about "our wedding, our way"

Some people may be fine in just sucking it up and doing whatever the bride wants just because they are friends, others may not be so inclined ... that doesn't make these people bad or less of a friend, they just need to be honest and not say they will and then complain. This is where the bride needs to be honest in her needs/wants/expectations as well.

This is all just general since we see issues with BM's so much around here. I may have missed the issue though.

If you feel your BM's are not doing what you need/want from them then tell them they can step down. Maybe there is something else they can do to be a part of the wedding that would be more comfortable for them and less stressing to you.

If you don't feel you can do what your friend wants/expects of you as a BM or you don't support the marriage then you can step down from her WP.

I always say, don't stress the small stuff and don't try to control everything and everyone because you can't. If you can't control it then don't stress over it.

:goodluck:

[lilmsjess]

lol i guess my biggest issue with her, is that NOTHING i've tried(for my bridesmaids-including her) is good enough for her...i even tried a-line halter dresses, she said "no it looks too much like yours". which is very true, but i thought she'd be comfortable, since her wedding dress is nearly the same as the bm gowns...i tried pant suits, i tried formal pant suits, she complains they will be too hot. she won't wear strapless, tea length or knee length. i found capped sleeve gowns, she complained she couldnt raise her arms. i tried short sleeve dresses, same complaint. we tried dresses with wide tank straps, and slight v-necks, she complained it didn't "feel right"

i guess i'm at that point where, i'm afraid if i tell them all to find dresses in burgundy satin, well it won't work, b/c they'll all end up with different shades, different fabrics, etc.....i just don't know what to do

and then i'm not her MOH but then i'm doing everything for her. gown shopping, i did her flowers, i helped for 3 days straight to find bm dresses, i paid for a few things for her wedding, or used coupons i needed to use for my own weddings so she could better afford things. now, we find that all this time, she's using her moms credit card, and has decided to use a facility that'll cost 1800 just for the building, nothing else...i'm just annoyed, i really want her to step down, but since her fh is a groomsmen, i'm worried they won't come :(

[WebLady]

As for you in your friends wedding; I would not do anything else for her if you don't think it is right or you don't feel it is appreciated.

As for her in your wedding; sounds like she might be either too picky or just not focused for whatever reason. Maybe ask her what kind of dress she wants ... tell her you are willing to at least consider it. She what her deal is about the dress and go from there. If she can't give you anything then ask her if she really wants to be a BM ... give her an out like maybe she has too much going on with her own wedding. Maybe this could be an out for you in hers too.

I have heard of many brides (at least a few here) that have let their BM choose their own dresses. Maybe pic a designer and a color from their line ... maybe say tea length or longer and no plunging backs or necklines, or no taffeta or whatever ... then let them choose what they want and can afford within those guidelines.

[Whitewater]

You guys have probably heard this over and over again by now, but I'll tell the story again, 'cause it's kind of cool.

It took 18 months for self and my two maids (both of whom I've known for almost 20 years . . . needless to say, we're *good* friends) to figure out their dresses. When we started getting into fights about it and hurt feelings arose, we decided THAT had to stop, because they were only dresses, for heaven's sake, they were not more important than our relationship.

So we sat down and I asked them what they wanted to do. Then I told them that it would be ok with me if they picked their own dresses, my only request was that it match the formality of the ceremony and that they had to choose the *same* dress style. Color, style, fabric, etc were all up to them.

I took myself out of it completely. After all, I knew these women for *years*, I trusted their judgement, I *knew* they weren't going to pick anything hideous or something that I would hate.

They surprised the HELL out of EVERYBODY (not just me, but everybody who knows them -- we have a lot of mutual friends) when they decided on a formal, full-length strapless corset-backed A-line skirt with a sash. Holy cats. I *never* would have expected that.

(Now, of course, one of my friends is having serious buyer's remorse now that her dress has come in -- she thinks she has wobbly arms, she doesn't -- but that's a whole other issue!)

My point is, if I had tried to control what they wore I don't know that we would have still been friends. Yeah, it got that stressful. But when I stepped out of it and let them choose, they surpassed my wildest expectations.

My advice? It might seem totally counter-intuitive, but I would let your finicky BM have her way, whatever way that is. Tell her that all you want is burgandy satin, that you want her to be comfortable, so she needs to find a dress by X date. If she can't do that, then she's out of your wedding party. Tell her that from your POV it absolutely doesn't matter to you what style she finds. Apologize for being a control freak, and tell her that you're out of it from now on -- that what she wears is totally up to her. She just needs to find a burgandy satin dress by [whenever].

And then, let her alone about it.

I suspect that she'll either suck it up and find something she can wear, or she'll drop out. Either way, your problem is solved.

HTH,


Whitewater