My Heart is burning....

[tha_mrs]

I can't really talk to anyone. I mean I can, but...it's not like coming here. So anyway. This is so hard. Being actually married. I knew it would be work, but I didn't expect this. I love my husband, beyond adore him....but at what cost? and do I really love him enough to let him go? I have no idea. But, I maybe about to find out. I mean all I wanted was for him to help out at home and I just should've said that, but instead...I looked over him working late, hanging out, never really being at home and just hoped he would see that I needed a break. But, he didn't see, so I yelled. I cursed and screamed. And he was angry and threatened to leave and took off his ring and I said bye and threw the ring in the trash. Our communication sucks. I see that now, but it may be to late. That's all. I just wanted to say that.

[amisteratwisterandme]

Give yourselves some time to cool down. Apologize for saying/doing things that made everything worse, and sit down and really talk to him about what you need.

I sure wish you the best.

[WBandMe]

Step one is that you know there is a problem and you're dedicated to working on it. You need to talk to him in a calm, non-confrontational way, and see if he is too. Good luck. (((hugs)))

[Whitewater]

Having experienced the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage, I think that communication -- good, solid, honest communication -- is THE hardest thing in the world to hammer out and get going in a relationship. I am so sorry you're having a hard time right now! You're right, marriage is a TON of work and no matter how well you think you're prepared for it, something always sneaks up and whacks you upside the head.

I agree that for right now taking some time to calm down and really think about what you truly wanted to say is the best thing to do.

After you've gotten calm and you want to try again, I would start by apologizing. You know you didn't mean for your words to come out like that, and he needs to know that you feel badly. Might not be easy, but the words 'I'm sorry' do wonders!

It sounds to me like what you want is to keep your relationship functional and healthy, right? You don't want everything to end, do you? The reason I ask is because the truth (that they *never* tell you in your wedding preparation counseling) is that sometimes people make mistakes and they are better off not being married. Doesn't mean you can't still have a relationship of some sort, just that marriage specifically might not be the best way to go about it.

So you need to know that separation is an option -- although, it also sounds to me like you're wondering (like I did) when enough is enough. From my experience and perspective, I would say that you haven't reached that point yet. You've only been married since February, don't give up now.

Is this the first big fight the two of you have had? Sometimes the first fight can weigh more heavily than it ought, simply because it's the first time.

If not, you might want to look into some counseling, either just by yourself or with him, to help you learn better communication skills. Nobody is born knowing how to communicate, it takes time and effort and skill. A counselor can help you learn how to listen, and how to talk effectively to one another.

You've got the right idea by not wanting to give up right now. Hold on to it! And like I said, I would suggest counseling for the two of you. Doesn't mean that you're bad or that you've done something 'wrong', it just means that you need help solving a particular issue -- how to communicate better and more effectively with your spouse.

I'm sorry you've hit a rough patch in your relationship. Wish I could do something to help.


Whitewater

[tha_mrs]

you all are a big help. a very big help.

[WebLady]

Sorry you guys are having problems :flower:

Yeah, communication is a big thing; you have to be able to talk to each other, and share your feelings without it being a yelling match.

Hopefully you guys can talk calmly about it, apologize and move on.

:goodluck:

[gwenshack]

I'm sure, like the other ladies said, after a cool down period that everything will be fine! I think that this is a great example of how something, in hindsight, could have been handled differently with better communication, and gotten a more favorable result. You are an awesome person and we all have our moments when our impulses get the better of us. Your husband loves you and it'll be ok.

You can use this though - so that next time you're frustrated you can remember how you feel right now and you can try to communicate differently! It'll be ok - we all have faith in you! :)

[Docsgirl]

Sorry to hear that. :hug:

I really agree with what everyone else has said here. You just need to take some time to cool off, and then talk to each other. Just let this be something you learn from, an "experience" of being newly married, and then discuss ways that you can more effectively talk about how you're feeling(both of you!), without it ending in a fight.

Good luck and we're here for you!

[ChristineLS]

I'm not married yet (obviously :) ), we live together. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but in an odd way it made me feel better to read this, because FH and I had a big fight the other day, and I was mad. He was mad, and it was over the same subject - helping out around the house. Our argument didn't escalate to the points yours did (we don't have wedding rings to throw in the trash!) but I started thinking, "Is this a good idea? I know this would be hard, but....."

It was a communication problem. Most of our fights are - we don't see eye to eye. Communication hasn't completely been ironed out yet, really - I do not always feel that I know what is on his mind. We need to work on it. But we're 1000X better than we used to be, it still needs improvement.

I guess it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in that boat! :hug: Our fight simmered down, and I'm sure yours shall too!

[Nekochanpurr]

I don't have much to say (these girls pretty much made all good points!) but i sure hope things are going better for you..

[tha_mrs]

thanks ladies again. I didn't up date...but after we finally got calm, we were abl to talk things out rationally. we also realize among the duties of the family...that we haven't really been spending much time together. so he has made an effort so far in working towards helping me with the chores. He realized where he'd went wrong. It's been nice too. we are still working on the communication trait. we have elected to spend one night a week with each other. I have made the choice to not speak when I am angry. I will try to not over look things and I will try to let him know when something is bothering me. we both admitted to not fighting fairly and will try to do better with that in the future. i realize that we are going to disagree and that is even healthy....but it's about doing it in the right manner. we will continue to work on that.(lol)

[Qtpie]

I am so glad to hear that things are going better and that you are working on things together.

[Cherrie]

Great to get a positive update from you. All the best.

[FFC]

Setting aside time for "us" is very important in a relationship. I have learned with my husband that when we don't set aside "us" time, we are both stressed out easily and we both get snappy with each other.

I'm so glad you two were able to work things out!

[PGDesigns]

I'm glad things are working out and that you two have decided to set aside some couple time. I had wondered how things were going. Glad there is a good update! I wish you two the best!

[savepaws]

I'm so glad you guys talked everything out! Every couple has disagreements but its how you handle them that matters.

[milly22]

That really is good news that you're both on the way to working through your problems.

Have you both thought about writing down what you expect from your marriage? What you both expect of each other? Kind of a marriage contract. I know it works for some couples and it's something that you can both add to and take away as you move forward.