Danielle & Shane

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I guess since I am married, I should make one of these.
:)


Alright, ever since we got back from the honeymoon, were slowly settling back into real life. Work :(, family, you know.
It's nice, but I feel slightly depressed that it's over. Is this normal??

News in my life, I guess.
My #1 priority is to get my MOH and Shane's groomsman to be a couple. They have gone on a few dates and Im really excited.
Last night I cooked them dinner ( lamb, fetticine alfredo..) and then we all went to a movie.
Since being married Shane seems to of been more...aware?...of my feelings and being more willing to do nice things for me. Like today he texted me and said that he picked up a movie that I wanted to see ( the reader) and we will watch it tonight.
I have to admit I was a little sad last night when we went to the movie with ali and sam. :( They were all kissin and hand holding and lovin, and I was like *hey! Why arent we doin that??*
Maybe because I was stuffing my face with popcorn....? Haha.

[gwenshack]

That's nice of you to try to set up your friends!

[Mrs.Goff]

I have to admit I was a little sad last night when we went to the movie with ali and sam. :( They were all kissin and hand holding and lovin, and I was like *hey! Why arent we doin that??*
Maybe because I was stuffing my face with popcorn....? Haha.

I've asked DH the same question. He looked me straight in the face serious and heck and said "Do you really want to know?" At that point I wasn't sure I did. haha But I said yes anyway. He looks my right in the eyes and says "Because you are my wife not just some chick I'm trying to get lucky with." I started laughing (I couldn't help it) and told him oh I thought you were going to say something like "Because you have a bat in the cave or something silly like that."

In your case, I'm betting the popcorn stuffing played a small part. ;)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I've asked DH the same question. He looked me straight in the face serious and heck and said "Do you really want to know?" At that point I wasn't sure I did. haha But I said yes anyway. He looks my right in the eyes and says "Because you are my wife not just some chick I'm trying to get lucky with." I started laughing (I couldn't help it) and told him oh I thought you were going to say something like "Because you have a bat in the cave or something silly like that."

In your case, I'm betting the popcorn stuffing played a small part. ;)

I know I asked him before we fell asleep why he didnt act like they were and he said " Because were over the silly infatuation art of our relationship and moved on to real love." and i said " Aww, I thought it was because i couldnt get my face out of the popcorn bag " :)


Gwen: Thank you! It's become my mission! ( Because we dont have any couple friends to go out with, haha.)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Entry #2!

Alright, well, not much has changed. :snide: We went for dinner last night at my parents house and my brother and his wife came over too. She wasnt very nice to us like usual, hahah. But that's okay, we had a nice time, ate dinner, watched tv.
My mission to get my friends to date is working. Were all going out again on friday. Im pretty excited because I want me and Shane to have a couple to hang out with. And this works perfect cause she is my best friend and he is Shane's best friend. How perfect!
Settling into real life again is starting to suck..work, cleaning, all that stuff.

I have to say one thing is really bugging me, and unfortunetly putting a damper and me and Shane's new marriage.
And that is his mom.

I made another post about it in th married life section. But briefly she freaked out on us the day after we got back from the honeymoon for not seeing her. We were back a day! So we made plans to see her and then she texted him : Dont bother coming over today. Im too depressed. I need help and am not ok." :snide: Oh brother.
And then four hours later after being uninvited she texts us " so when will you be here" :snide: HUH! She uninvited us? So we made other plans with Ali and Sam, ad we told her that and she FLIPPED OUT screaming and crying.

She is really started to get to me. Like really bad and it's putting a damper on the married life. Like cant she see, hello, were married now and want to enjoy that time together and dont need her acting like a freaking five year old??


Help:bbeek:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Entry # 3.
Last night I made chicken tacos, and watched ghost hunters. It was nice to just relax.
Nothing new really is happening in my life. Its sort of depressing now that the wedding is over, and Im not having something to look forward too. Well, my birthday is coming up..and the week after that we get to see Flight of the Conchords live. But, those arent huge things.
I feel very lethargic lately. I dont have much energy these days. I work, and then I go home cook dinner and then by that time Im exhausted. I actually woke up exhausted today, and my eye hurts really bad for some reason :(
I think I need a project or a hobbie. I sort of realized my only hobby is reading
Do you ladies have any suggestions on a hobbie for me? Im at a loss.
Like DH plays his video games, and stuff like that, and I sort of want a cool hobby to occupy my time, too

[Mrs. Hardnett]

Congrats. And yes it is normal to feel depress after your wedding because you invest so much time and energy in it. Maybe you can plan a birthday party for yourself and have family and friends over. As far as your mother in law goes maybe when she start to act like a child maybe you could return the favor by crying and yelling lol (just kidding). Talk to DH and express your feelings to him or maybe all of yall could get together and talk. I wish you luck and I hope everything will get better. Dont give up on yourself just take one day at a time.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you :)

I think I might be planning a surprise birthday party for Shane for his 21st birthday. Ill see how it goes, im not good at surprises.

Tonight me and Shane are going out with sam and Ali for mini golf and burgers. Should be fun.
Finally, the weekend. Almost!

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Today I feel down. Im not sure why. It's not usually like me to feel like this. And I got upset over such a silly stupid thing. Tonight were hanging out with Ali and Sam, and i texted them both saying " lets meet at six" and Sam texted back saying "oh, ill be over earlier to play video games with your husband." Yes. I know that's sort of a petty thing to be upset over. But i think the more underlying thing is, I feel like I do so much around the house and with working, and I feel all Dh does is play games.
I work from 8:30-5:30. I come home, cook dinner clean up it's about 8:00. By that time, Im so tired I just go to bed.
He works 6:00am-12pm most days. i come home and the house is still a mess.
It just upsets me alot.
I mean, I am happy that he just got a new job at PF Changs. Im gratful for him having a second job.
But, being newlyweds should I feel like this?
I dunno, Im unhappy enough that I dont even want to hang out with Shane and Sam tonight, and just want to hang out with Ali. But I think Ali wants to hang out with Sam, so it sort of sucks. Then I was thinking of just letting them three hang out and Ill do something else but that would be rude of me.


Im not sure why this upset me so much but it did. I get mad when I come home and the house is a mess and he is on the couch playing Call of Duty or World of Warcraft.
And then on top of that? Ill try to talk to him and he wont even listen when he is playing games or watching tv. And he never asks abou things I am interested in.
Sometimes It's like Im invisible.


Im ver upset and dont know what to do about tonight.

[gwenshack]

Danielle -

I think one of the main obstacles a couple goes through when they first start living together is realizing one another's habits and learning how to cooperate and compromise.

You work a lot more than he does and you do a lot more of the household chores than he does, therefore you feel like you're being taken advantage of. I think that's normal. In our house, DH has more outside the home responsibilities - I work for myself and set my own hours and have a lot more free time - so I take on more of the cleaning chores. I would do this anyway though since DH is a slob.

There are certain things, at this point, that DH is responsible for. I have had to become a little more lax in my expectations of WHEN he'll do those things and if they don't get done in a reasonable amount of time I just do them myself. Sure, that can be annoying, but we figure out ways to make it up to each other if one of us is taking on most of the burden.

My suggestion to you is the following - when you two are just hanging out, no video games, just talking and having a good time aready, bring up to him that you've been having some problems keeping on top of everything and that you were hoping he could lend a hand. Give him 3 tasks to start - things that you really wish he would do. Tell him it would really help you out if he could, say, take out the trash, make sure the dishes are washed, and keep the area around the living room clutter-free, and that would really help you out tremendously, because you want to make sure that you all have a living space you both can enjoy.

I think part of the problem with communication is coming to the other person when they're doing something - talking to him when he's playing his games. Those games are so stupid to us, but that dumb mission he's on is for some reason super important to him. So if you come to him with something that's ACTUALLY super important when he's doing something HE THINKS is super important, he's going to think you don't value the important things to him. So come at him when there's no interference and talk to him without accusing him of not doing anything. Make it sound like you want the place to be great for him and that you feel like you can't do it yourself. Make it sound like you're doing something for him and he can help you get it done. Keep it light and keep it sweet. Guys tend to respond to that better than lines like "You never help out around here! You make a big mess and never help me clean it up!" - I'm not saying that's how you talk to him, mind you. Just saying some people approach people that way and it typically only just irritates the person and doesn't inspire them to do anything helpful. :)

As for tonight, I would try to brush the negative feelings out of your head and try to enjoy your friends. Hope you feel better. :)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you. I will try to talk to him when he is not playing his games, hopefully he will listen.
I have tried giving him things I woul dlike him to do- Laundry, cleaning up his "game room", but it seems i still end up doing it :(

I guess I just get my feelings hurt because he never talks to me about what i am interested in, or if I start to talk about something I am interested in, he like tunes me out. But when he starts getting all excited about games, I listen and even try to learn about them and ask questions, even when I dont care about video games.

Youre right, I will try to have fun tonight. I know this is also sort of pathetic, but when Ali and Sam hang out, they seem so happy and like, kissin and holdin hands, and it sort of makes me sad. Like I wonder why we dont do that as much,


Maybe I am just having a bad day. But I feel let down in alot of aspects of our relationship.

Maybe I should shoot him an email and tell him this? I might.

[gwenshack]

Maybe I am just having a bad day. But I feel let down in alot of aspects of our relationship.

Maybe I should shoot him an email and tell him this? I might.

He's your husband - of course you should send him an e-mail...! If you can't talk to him about how you feel, who can you talk to? Guys get distracted and do things to make us feel like they don't care, but if they really do, a sincere e-mail letting him know how you feel should be regarded and taken seriously. It can't get better unless he's aware there's a problem. :)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you :) I think I will do that. Hopefully he responds with more then two words :( Haha

[Chubear]

it took months for me and FH to sort out the house cleaning issues.
Initially i did it all, but close friends of our have a deal where the wife does all the cooking and hubby does all the dishes.
Since my FH really admires this Hubby i broached the idea and he liked it.
the problem was then that the dishes would sit for up to 4 days before he got around to actually doing them.
if io then did them i got told off for "encroaching on his territory", my response of "well you never did them and i needed this pot" never went down particularly well and would often end in my tears. His only other job in to do the vacuuming once a week. that was a sometimes thing too.
now we have just moved into our own house and i made the rule that i refuse to have a dirty kitchen, and i dont want bugs etc blah blah
he promised he would do them the next morning every morning but it wasnt happening.
so i said he had one week to prove he could do the dishes each NIGHT ( not morning cos it would not get done cos he'd be late for work cos he spent too much timeon the computer) then if he couldnt i would stay up and extra half hour when i should be sleeping ( i dont get enough as it is so that made him fell a bit guilty) to do them.
if by the end of that week they still werent being done - new rule. no computer before dishes are done. youdont do them, no computer all night.
currently it seems tro have worked. easter got missed and one saturday night we had to run out with no time for dishes.
when he doesnt do it i offer to swap cleaning the toilet and bathroom for the dishes and he quickly says he will do it. It sounds like your DH is young - mine is 43 and is still being trained - good luck!

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thats a good plan! No video games to the laundry is done! Yes he is young, he is 20. He has got lots of learnin to do. :)

Entry #5

Well, this weekend was okay. Friday night we went out with Sam and Ali. I have to say I think that is done. I know Ali is like a great friend of mine and all, but, she acted so stupid and immature on friday. See, she is 18, and he is 22. So, age difference there. But, Friday she acted so rude and so uptight. She kept pulling me aside all night to tell me that she was mad at Sam because he wasnt trying to hug her or kiss her. and then she was mad because Sam and Shane were goofin off like boys do. Hello! There guys. When they get around other guys they act like boys. So, I think they might be over, I dont blame him.
Saturday night I ung out with my Grandma, and then me and Shane ordereed pizza and had a nice night in.
Sunday, we went to church. And they service was on marriage. Shane is not religious like I am, but he has agreed to go to church with me. I think he liked the service though. It was on that movie Fireproof or whatever.

[amisteratwisterandme]

Danielle,
Adjusting to living together is the hardest thing ever! It's gonna take patience and lots of conversations to get to a place that you are both happy with.

You can't be afraid to talk to Shane. It may be hard, but if something is bothering you, you need to spill it, but you need to make sure you do it in a manner that isn't going to make him defensive. If you want more hugs and handholding and kisses, you need to tell him that. But say it similar to that: I want you to hold my hand more, it makes me feel secure/happy/loved whatever it is you get from it.

My grandparents have been married for coming up on 66 years. And you know what? they still hold hands and still kiss each other all the time. They are both very happy and very much in love, so while I think Shane doesn't mean anything bad about "mature" love, it doesn't work for you so you guys need to find a compromise somewhere.

I do know this: Resentment will kill a good relationship fast, so it is important for you to find a way to communicate with Shane.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you :) That is very good advice.
We have talked yesterday, and he told me one important thing, and that is if I am trying to say something, say it directly. As in " I want you to do the laundry right now." or " I want you to hold my hand more." Instead of doing it the girly way and giving hints and thinking he will get it.
I think this might help, even though I am not used to it.


Thanks for all the advice ladies. I have been practicing it, and it seems to get across to him better,

[savepaws]

Communication is the key to a good marriage. Men don't take hints very well and they definitely can't read minds!! :) Also, I've noticed that asking nicely for help with something will usually go a lot farther than nagging will! That's something I struggle with. lol

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thats something I need to work on too, let me tell you, I can be quite the nag :)



Entry #6

last night me Shane and my mom and Dad all watched Fireproof. That movie really got me thinking how differently I could do some things in my marriage. Granted, were not as bad as the couple in the movie. But I realize maybe I can try on trusting him better and maybe stop questioning him as much and give him the benifit of the doubt on some of our problems. And maybe quit nagging and complaining as much.
That made me realize I need to be nicer to people in general. So I decided why not start with the one person you hve most problems with.
So I invited the mother in law over for dinner...

:snide:

[amisteratwisterandme]

Hopefully things will work out well with your MIL. Try and keep in mind that you need to learn to trust yourself, and trusting Shane will come with that! Working on yourself is probably the best thing you can do for you and Shane.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you! :) Thats good advice. I have to start working on me a little more I think. Im always so busy I never find time for me, or even time to think!


Entry #7
Today started off good now I am sort of mad. Shane got a new job and I never really see him now.His night off on friday he wants to hang out with his friend. I said to him : I kind of wanted the weekend alone becasue I dont get to see you much" and he told me I should invite some friends over too.
I wanted alone time, though.
He just texted me : Do you not want me to have friends over?" And I said " I dont want to tell you no. but I thought we could go on a date that night"

Who knows what He will say.


All I know is I dont feel like driving all the way to Mesa to see them :(

[amisteratwisterandme]

You know, I feel for you. This is one of the problems with getting married young. His priorities are a bit misplaced.

The way I see it is you have a few choices:
Put on a happy face and deal with it.
Find a compromise with him, say you see friends this Friday, next is date night
Or stay upset with him.

I have a question for you: Before you were married, did you guys have date nights with just the two of you? Was he always holding your hand, hugging you? Things like that?

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Yes. We went out on dates as much as we could afford. He was really affectionate too.

Well, it escalated into a fight. He said he hates how I choose when he can see his friends.
I said he works all week and I wont see him and really wanted to go out on his day off.

So, were fighting and I am about to tell him I am not coming home tonight.

[savepaws]

You should get the book Love Dare, that is featured in the movie Fireproof. Maybe it can help you with Shane and maybe even your MIL.

If he really wants to spend time with friends on Friday maybe you could compromise and plan for his next night off to be a date night. Maybe you could decide together to designate a certain night a week to be your "date night".

FH and I usually go out with friends on Friday. I'd be happy staying home just about every night but I know FH likes to go out. So we compromise and we go out Friday with friends and then Saturday night he usually spends alone with me. It works out pretty well & we are both happy. :)

[gwenshack]

That made me realize I need to be nicer to people in general. So I decided why not start with the one person you hve most problems with.
So I invited the mother in law over for dinner...

:snide:

Ok this totally made me laugh.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Ok this totally made me laugh.
lol. Im glad. But its true! Haha.



So, I sent him this in a email after our fight











"I have to say, you continuously hurt my feelings.
You work alot this week, and I wanted to go out on your day off. But I know that your priority belongs to your friends. It always has, always will. I'm not sure why i thought that would ever change.
You wonder why I am so sad all the time. Have you ever stopped to think maybe I'm sad because of you? That's geninely it.
You don't seem to want to give me what I need.
I work full time, come home and cook and clean for you. You wonder why I am tired, don't have friends, and am grumpy.
I wanted to take you out on friday. As a celebration for the new job.

I know that you will choose to see your friends regardless. You always do. And if you email me back and say you wont, fine, whatever...I know you will guilt me into it.
Im always giving. You never stop to recognize my needs.
And Im sure you will send me something back that is mean or critisizing. You always do.

So, I sort of give up. Im tired of fighting for my needs to be met.
I relize they never will be.

From now on, what you want is what you get. Dont even bother asking me anymore. Do what you want, see who you want, buy what you want.

I relize Ill never be first, so I give up.

Ill cook for your mom and family and you tonight. You three can enjoy a nice night together, ill leave the before you come home.

Of course you will say im dramatic. But its how I feel."

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

You should get the book Love Dare, that is featured in the movie Fireproof. Maybe it can help you with Shane and maybe even your MIL.

If he really wants to spend time with friends on Friday maybe you could compromise and plan for his next night off to be a date night. Maybe you could decide together to designate a certain night a week to be your "date night".

FH and I usually go out with friends on Friday. I'd be happy staying home just about every night but I know FH likes to go out. So we compromise and we go out Friday with friends and then Saturday night he usually spends alone with me. It works out pretty well & we are both happy. :)
Its hard to do thst with his new job he works so much ill never see him :(

[Thalia_themuse]

Hmm, from what you said before the wedding, I would guess that nothing has really changed... As said, issues need to be sorted out *now* or they will never be resolved. The longer it goes on for, the worse the issue can get.

I think some compromises need to be made here. You said that he has agreed to come to church with you despite not being religious? In my books that's a big compromise from him. Maybe you should consider letting him have friday night with the boys, so that you can have Sunday church with him, and then maybe try to keep all day Sunday for just the two of you? I would guess that is a pretty reasonable arrangement?

As with housework, you have to make some actual arrangements with him. Often trying to split the chores (ie if you cook, he does the dishes, you do the laundry and he does the vacuuming etc) works out well, but it depends on the couple. If you can't talk to him and work these things out now, where do you honestly think your marriage is going? You also really need to stand your ground and stick up for yourself, maybe look into some assertiveness or counselling?

After reading the email you sent I would honestly suggest you spend some time alone to calm down, because I know when I'm upset being around people can make it worse. Even if you're tired maybe you need to arrange going out with some female friends while Shane goes out with the guys? I think some time away is healthy, and may help you cheer up more than you think.

I wish you the best.

[gwenshack]

lol. Im glad. But its true! Haha.



So, I sent him this in a email after our fight











"I have to say, you continuously hurt my feelings.
You work alot this week, and I wanted to go out on your day off. But I know that your priority belongs to your friends. It always has, always will. I'm not sure why i thought that would ever change.
You wonder why I am so sad all the time. Have you ever stopped to think maybe I'm sad because of you? That's geninely it.
You don't seem to want to give me what I need.
I work full time, come home and cook and clean for you. You wonder why I am tired, don't have friends, and am grumpy.
I wanted to take you out on friday. As a celebration for the new job.

I know that you will choose to see your friends regardless. You always do. And if you email me back and say you wont, fine, whatever...I know you will guilt me into it.
Im always giving. You never stop to recognize my needs.
And Im sure you will send me something back that is mean or critisizing. You always do.

So, I sort of give up. Im tired of fighting for my needs to be met.
I relize they never will be.

From now on, what you want is what you get. Dont even bother asking me anymore. Do what you want, see who you want, buy what you want.

I relize Ill never be first, so I give up.

Ill cook for your mom and family and you tonight. You three can enjoy a nice night together, ill leave the before you come home.

Of course you will say im dramatic. But its how I feel."

I wrote out this long reply to this earlier, and wouldn't you know that my internet connection goes down the moment I hit "submit reply"? And it just disappeared into the abyss of the internet, never to be seen again...GRRR! So I'm going to do my best to rewrite what I wrote earlier. So help me if the internet goes down again...

So here's what I wanted to say, and you can feel free to tell me to shut up at any time! I'll just try to give you the benefit of what I've learned from stupid boys over the years.

I think that it's about how you approach it. You want something and there are two ways (and probably more) of approaching your DH.

I think it's good that you tell Shane how you are feeling, and I hope that your e-mail gets the results that you're looking for!

I think guys hear things like "All you ever want to do is hang out with your friends and I realized I'm never going to come first..." and they instantly go on the defensive mode - "I do not, you're being dramatic" and then a fight ensues. He sees it as an accusation - and he misses the part about how all you want is for him to spend time with you! I used to start conversations like that all the time when I was in my 20s and I never got what I wanted or needed!

I think that guys need to be built up before we tear them down...teehee. For example, I think you'll get a different reaction if you say "I think it's really great that you have friends that make you happy. I know that spending time with them when you're not busy working is really important to you, and I think that's great and I definitely want that for you. (Here's where you make it about you...) I was just thinking, with our busy schedules, maybe we should schedule in some time for just us to hang out together. I don't want to start to miss you when we live in the same place!" I think a conversation like that will inspire him to take your hand and say something sweet back. Or at least that's what I'd hope!

Anyway, I'm just trying to give you the benefit of stuff I had to learn the hard way. Hope it helps! :)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

You ladies are right, I think maybe my email was too dramatic, and i was really mad when I wrote it. But when he got home from work, he seemed to of calmed down too and got me roses :bbeek: and was really sweet. He seemed to of understood my point, I guess.


Last night we had MIL and SIL over for dinner, Everything went well until I completely cut my finger! i was cutting some food, and the knife slipped and went right into my pinky, down to the bone.


It hurts so bad today!:irked:

[Docsgirl]

Last night we had MIL and SIL over for dinner, Everything went well until I completely cut my finger! i was cutting some food, and the knife slipped and went right into my pinky, down to the bone.


It hurts so bad today!:irked:

Yikes! I hope you went to the Dr. to get some stitches! I cut my left forefinger to the bone with a knife while cutting a box open with a miracle blade knife last year (I know...only I would do that...lol) and they had to give me stitches and gave me a tetanus shot in that arm to make sure nothing got infected. :(

That's really sweet that he got you roses though. I think that's always their go to when they want to say sorry, but don't really want to say it. ;) lol

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Yikes! I hope you went to the Dr. to get some stitches! I cut my left forefinger to the bone with a knife while cutting a box open with a miracle blade knife last year (I know...only I would do that...lol) and they had to give me stitches and gave me a tetanus shot in that arm to make sure nothing got infected. :(

That's really sweet that he got you roses though. I think that's always their go to when they want to say sorry, but don't really want to say it. ;) lol



i didnt got to the doctor :( Maybe I should have. I put a bandaid on it and washed it with soap :( After I stopped crying!!

Yeah he never says sorry! haha

[amisteratwisterandme]

I hope your finger is okay. I'd really like to comment on your email, have to say I agree with Gwen on alot of it. First of all, and I could be totally wrong, but I think emailing things like that are one of the worst things you could possibly do. And here is why! When I read it, my thoughts were that you were being overly-dramatic, you're are threatening to leave him, and you are clingy. I could totally see him rolling his eyes when he got the email. Everyone reads things different from how you mean them, it just happens that way.

I asked about dating before you got married cuz it does seem like you had this perfect ideal of what being married to Shane was going to be like, and so far it isn't living up to your expectations. Some of the things you write seem like you are trying to "mommy" him more than be a partner to him.

Please tell me to shut it if I am offening you. I am really just trying to help you out. Like Gwen said, I am trying so hard to give you knwoledge that I didn't have at your age. It took many years of beating my head against a wall before I started understanding a better way to communicate.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

No, im not offended. You're right. Sometimes when I am really mad at him (especially at work when I want to get it out of my system) I get over dramatic and childish. I try not to, but sometimes I end up doing it anyway
Im not good at communicating in the heat of the moment. I usually end up saying stupid things or just plain mean things.

Any advice on how to stay calm in the heat of the moment?

[amisteratwisterandme]

Any advice on how to stay calm in the heat of the moment?

Absolutely not! I have a mean and nasty temper myself. The only thing I do, if we are face to face, is say to him flat out that right now I am angry and will say something I don't mean, so give me a few minutes to calm down before we start talking again. Then I go away, take a couple of deep breaths, figure out what I want to say, and go back and talk to him. I NEVER let things just come out of my mouth, but I plan the conversation (at least my part of it) before I even start talking.

This is how I wouldn't handled the friend situation: Hey Shane, can I talk to you for a minute? I know you have made plans with your friends this weekend, and that's cool, but I would really like it if on your next day/night off we can have a date night, just the two of us. I love you so much, and it is important to me that we have some time with just the two of us. Besides that, I really want to take you out to celebrate your new job. I am so proud of you. That way the tone of what you are saying is all positive, and it lets him know what is important to him, without making him defensive.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

That would of been a perfect thing to say :(
Im so stupid sometimes!

I have to work on my communication skills better. I seem to le tmy anger get the best of me, and as much as i try to tame my anger, i always let things fly out of my mouth :bbredface:

[amisteratwisterandme]

That would of been a perfect thing to say :(
Im so stupid sometimes!

I have to work on my communication skills better. I seem to le tmy anger get the best of me, and as much as i try to tame my anger, i always let things fly out of my mouth :bbredface:

Don't call yourself stupid. I don't think that at all. I think everyone can work to better themselves.

Think of it as I just have alot more experience sticking my foot in my mouth! :bbmrgreen:

I am 35, and I am still learning all kinds of stuff about myself. Things like learning how to say no, how to teach people to treat me, what kind of person I truly want to be. I will even admit to being a self-help guru. I have read so many books on so many topics, and most of them have helped me learn things like communication.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I know I am always buiying those self help books at borders. Apparently I dont read them thouroughly!
I plan on apologizing for the way I acted tongight when I get home. Im suprised he still bought me flowers with the way i was

[amisteratwisterandme]

I know I am always buiying those self help books at borders. Apparently I dont read them thouroughly!
I plan on apologizing for the way I acted tongight when I get home. Im suprised he still bought me flowers with the way i was

Don't put yourself down either. Obviously he loves you, as he does make an effort. You guys can get through this, it's just hard work and alot of self discovery.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

It is hard work. We never lived together before hand, so it's an adjustment and alot of learning.

[ChristineLS]

Any advice on how to stay calm in the heat of the moment?

Take three breaths before saying anything. Rephrase everything in your head before you say stuff. Don't react.

I have a very different style to conflict resolution, but frankly I think it's kind of uniquely situated with FH and I. I am the least subtle person in the world (or so it feels to FH). I tell him exactly what's on my mind, exactly why something bothers me, but that's just how I am and how I've always been. I've never been one to hint, I don't beat around the bush. So my trouble is exactly the opposite - I'm too honest, or it comes off as too raw.

The other thing is that FH generally doesn't get defensive. The last dispute we had was one where I told him that I was sick of being treated as second place to his school and work. That when he gets stressed, he puts all of his energy into those fields and ignores maintaining the house and maintaining the relationship with me. That the reason our relationship exists sometimes is because I never stop putting the effort into it, and I pointed to some very concrete examples (the previous three month's rent was paid because I remembered it, and only I remembered it, and the completion of household tasks). That I appreciate that we're both under a lot of pressure with graduate school however if I can continue to maintain both realms, he has to as well, because I'm going to start treating him like he treats me and if he keeps ignoring my needs then he will also find himself ignored and he wouldn't have a fiance much longer, because if I'm going to be the only one maintaining a house, it's detrimental to my career to be doing that with one that two people live instead of one and he needs to show me more respect than that. I also recognize when he does stuff around the house "I appreciate that you fixed the drawers on the dresser" as he does it but he wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I considered that unacceptable because he was taking me for granted.

We also have this other dynamic in our relationship that because I spent undergrad being very active, I now have a much better funding situation (and actually, an awesome one in general) than he does, so he perceives me as having more free time and I wonder if he gets resentful of my greater success (I'm in a PhD program funded in a different discipline, I get a lot of the stuff I apply for, he is a lot less successful and a lot less savvy than I am).

Well, he did not argue with me, instead he agreed that I was right in my assessment, and correct in being very upset about it (I had spent the previous three days in a sort of daze where I was very upset and drained and I had to spend some time figuring out what was bothering me, exactly. I just knew I wasn't happy). So he spent the next few days upset with himself. I think he's become a lot more aware of how much I was doing, since I am overwhelmed with work at the moment. This was a couple weeks ago, and he's been a lot better. Not perfect.

This really only works because we had a previous arrangement of 50/50 work division, and we are used to the communication methods of the other person and when one person is not living up to the expectations of the other we are comfortable expressing it to the other. I think it's also important to express these issues in the same perspective they see it, and then to insert your own perspective.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful, as the dynamics and contexts of our relationships are very different, but I hope it is.

[amisteratwisterandme]

It is hard work. We never lived together before hand, so it's an adjustment and alot of learning.

It sure is. The first year fh and I lived together took alot of work. We spent alot of time working out problems too. Now though, we probably get into an arguement maybe once or twice a year. That doesn't mean we don't annoy each other, we just handle it better.

There are two big things that I do everyday to try and keep our relationship front and center.

First: I always think: What can I do today to make his life easier? It may be something as simple as leaving him alone to watch a tv show that he is really into, sometimes it's getting his lunch together for work, other times it is just being by myself so I don't get mad at him or whatever. He does the same for me. There are plenty of days that I don't want to do anything but take a nap, but I do anyway. As does he. (two way street all the way) Here's a good example. I was at the hospital pretty late last night with my grandparents car accident, I got home and he was still awake making himself a pot of beans. It was about an hour past what time he usually goes to bed, so I told him to go to sleep and I stayed up and finished his beans. I was too tired to make a pitcher of tea, so he made me one before he went to work today because he knows I like tea first thing in the morning.

Second: When I am angry or upset I let him know before it starts to build up. I think people can make themselves fall in and out of love by allowing their thoughts to keep building anger and resentment up. If I am constantly thinking about what he doesn't do, I am just going to get angrier and angrier and no where in there are thoughts of love. Instead, I get angry or frustrated, let him know about it, and that's it. I NEVER EVER come back later with, oh yeah, well last week/month you didn't do this or that. Letting things build up is bad news. I concentrate on what he does do. If he doesn't pick up his dirty clothes as often as I would like him to, I just ask him to do it without getting mad because I asked him to keep them picked up last week.

[Thalia_themuse]

That is some very awesome advice above from Christine and amisteratwisterandme.

My ex and I had horrible angry arguments because we both had vicious tempers, but I am a lot calmer now. I can give you a few tips from experience and counselling.

I am 100% with amisteratwisterandme here about telling your partner when you are angry and walking away to calm down. I do this too, when I get angry I close myself in the bedroom until I calm down enough to have a proper conversation. With emails or angry forum posts, I write them up and then leave them. I come back to read it once I'm calm and usually decide it isn't a good idea to send. This has been a very good thing!

Now, when you're getting angry I think the most important thing is to recognise the thoughts, and interrupt them (something my counsellor is teaching me). You recognise that you're getting angry and you listen to what the specific thoughts are, eg: "He never spends any time with me", "I'm never most important", "his mum is *#$&ing crazy" etc. Then you actively interrupt these thoughts with the actual truth. Responses would be (in order): "Well, he is busy with work - which I'm glad he is doing! - and he did spend time with me last weekend!", "I must be very important to him because he married me, and I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with", "his mum has issues, but at least we don't have to deal with her all the time! If I'm nice to her at least I know I am in the right." etc. Does this make sense? I'm not as good at explaing as the counsellor, but hopefully that makes sense. I've been using this technique for anxiety attacks as well, and it can be very helpful for regaining control when you feel you are losing it.

In the end, conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship, but it's how you deal with it that makes the biggest difference. Have a go at some of things people have mentioned, especially taking time out to calm down before you speak. Have a go and see how it works for you :) It may not be easy to start with, but its worth it in the long run.

All the best.

[gwenshack]

I think you've gotten some really solid advice here from these wonderful ladies. :)

In terms of keeping your cool, not losing your temper, and thinking something out before you say something - well, it takes work and patience.

In my case, I grew up in a house that was filled with anger and tempers and I vowed to never be like that. I was also fortunate because DH doesn't yell, so that really helps us communicate better.

I think the best thing you can do is always try to speak to him about something difficult the way you'd want him to broach you with the same subject. And always remember that he's your ally - he's on your side! He's your husband - so approach him with love and sweetness (even when you're so irritated you want to rip your hair out!) and try to put the anger to the side. I hate to say it, but my mom was right when she said you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Do you keep a journal? I think one of the best things I do is right things down for myself in a notebook. It helps me formulate my thoughts so that I can process them before I lay them on others.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks ladies. You all had some great advice. Im definelty goingto try all of this and see how things change. I think they will seeing how I am the one with the anger problems, and not as much as him.

He has been sort of sweet today. when i came home on my lunch break, he had made me lunch and made a cake. which is weird, haha, he has ever baked a thing in his life? it was good though!


I do have ajournal, but i barely write. I should start that again though.

[savepaws]

Great advice from everyone!

[gwenshack]

How are you doing today Danielle? Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking about you. I know it's been a tough week. :(

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you very much Gwen :)
Im doing okay today, I could be better. Im really sick today. :(
I had to call into work the last two days, and I am nervous about being fired, because I just took off for my honeymoon two weeks ago. When I called in this morning, I asked my manager if corporate was mad, and she said that she wasn't sure, that work has been a nightmare ( I work at an apartment complex, and I guess there was a flood, and some tenant fights) I told her I was really sorry, but I feel horrible, and will be in tommorrow for sure.
SO, I really hope that I have a job tommorrow, I dont kn ow how forgiving my corporate manager is.
She is really stressed because y manager is going on maternity leave, and they are trying to teach me her job before she leaves, and she freaks out if we cant come in :(

Aside from that, im just resting and eating alot of junk food, haha.

As with me and Shane, not much is new. We had that huge fight on saturday, but things have calmed down. I just dont see him much cause he works two jobs,

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Well, not a whole lot has been going on.
This week I have been sick and stayed home most of the week, and came back to work yesterday. Me and his mom got in a HUGE fight, and Im pretty sure have no hope for a relationship any longer, which sure is fine with me! Tonight, Shane is having his friends Sam and Keith over tonight. I like sam alot but keith really gets on my nerves and I am always nice of course, but really wish he wouldn't come over. See, he is REALLY immature and silly, and being 23, i think he should at least have a JOB or maybe take a SHOWER ( seriously), and I am a very serious person unfortuently, so our personalities don't seem to mix well. Even though Shane says that he likes me. I mean he is a nice guy, but maybe I am too judgemental.
Since I am still sick I really didnt want anyone over, but I dont like to tell Shane yes to something and then take it back, it doesn't seem fair. :snide: So, I will endure them taking over the TV ( of which has been my best friend since I am sick) and I will have to lock myself in my room probably and read a book. Or maybe have an "alone girl's night" and lock myself in the bathroom and take a bath and do my nails and all that girly stuff I never have time for anymore.
I am trying to convince Shane to take me to Presscott ( this little town up north which just has the cutest little antique shops) and well, as you can guess he doesn't like to go there! But I LOVE it, and want to go! I gotta convince him somehow, just not sure how.

:o

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

This weekend was a blast.
Friday night, me and Shane had gotten into a quarrel, which ended up good for both of us. We got to talk about alot of what has been bothering me ( his lying, my trust issues) and I asked him to please be honest with me about a few things I have been upset with in the past ( not big things, just like him not telling me some things) and he finally just told me these things. I asked him why he lied, and he explained, and we made up. I feel better now that everything is out on the table. ( Except he is sticking to his story about what I talked about in " Prayers and Advice" thread. he still promises that one.) Of course I was upset and told him I was upset that he lied so long about such stupid things, but he explained why he lied, and how I acted, and these things I hope are getting resolved and he can be a more honest person now, and I can be a more trusting person.
Saturday, i was still a little upset from the lying he did, so i decided we should get a puppy. So we did! His name is Hamlet and he is ADORABLE! I will hae to get pics and show you all. He was cute up until he pooped on the carpet. But we still love him!
Then last night we went to pappaduex for dinner. I love that place! Thats all thats new

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

:snide:tommorrow Shane and my mom decided we should get me and his mom together to "talk things out". I decided it would be much better to talk things out in a resturant, so it wouldn't be so awakward. I decided on Pita Jungle, so Ill be happy. I really don't want to do this though, because I would rathe rnot waste my time.

Boo.

[WebLady]

:snide:tommorrow Shane and my mom decided we should get me and his mom together to "talk things out". I decided it would be much better to talk things out in a resturant, so it wouldn't be so awakward. I decided on Pita Jungle, so Ill be happy. I really don't want to do this though, because I would rathe rnot waste my time.

Boo.
I think it is a very good thing that you at least try to smooth things over with your MIL.

I would have Shane go too; so she cannot turn things around to him later; hope it goes well.

[BnB]

I do not envy you at all

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Yeah, Shane is definetly coming. So is my mom.
We decided to go out to a resturant, where I hope she doesn't make a scene. I'm pretty quiet and shy, so I doubt I'll be the one yelling, haha. But the four of us are going to sit down and talk. The thing is, I think that it might turn into a blame game. Like " Well, she texted me thing, and she said that!"
That's what will be so lame about it. I'm willing to act adult, sit down and tell her, this is why I don't feel comfortable with you, ( example, example, example) but I know she will be manipulative.
She manipulated my mom, calling her yesterday and pretending to be friends. My mom called me all mad and said Stephanie said I said all this stuff, when I didnt. I knew then she was manipulative, and trying to get my mom on her side.
I feel like everyone is against me, when I have put up with her for two years, and I feel like I didnt do too much wrong. So now I have 3 people against me, and her manipulating them.

I hate this drama, It's lame and I have more important stuff to think about and do, and I want it over, But with her in my life Im not sure its possible.:bbeek:

[VTStephanie]

Try to grit your teeth and go by the old saying "kill 'em with kindness". You will have a LONG road in front of you if you don't make peace with her now. Even if you don't like the way she does things...sometimes it is better off to suck it up and go with the flow. I know it may be hard but just think about how much worse it will be once you have kids in the picture if you don't try to come to some type of civil understanding now.

Just remember now matter how much you dislike her you married her son. She will always be your family as long as the two of you are together.

Good Luck with dinner

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks. Ill try that. Ill try to be the nice one, I hope it works!

[BnB]

I was posting then lost power

I suggest making a pact with her to let the past be the past, and agree to start over, from today, without bringing up the past
let each other know your boundaries, what ticks you off, pushes your buttons, so that you don't have this trouble again

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thats a good idea. Ill have to try that. Im not very..open. And im pretty shy, so Ill have to kinda step up and do that. I hope she understands and fixes things to.

[amisteratwisterandme]

I was posting then lost power

I suggest making a pact with her to let the past be the past, and agree to start over, from today, without bringing up the past
let each other know your boundaries, what ticks you off, pushes your buttons, so that you don't have this trouble again

I was just getting ready to say this. I wouldn't even bring up the past. I would just say, hey, we've both had problems with each other in the past, we both love Shane, and I would like us to start over, so that we can all be a family.

By re-hashing everything she did, she said, you did, you said it is only going to hurt and tick both of you off.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Exactly. I don't want to be in the middle of Pita Jungle at each other's throats. Haha.

[MrsDM]

Hey hun! Just checking in and seeing how things have been. I wish you luck with the MIL - I hope that the air gets cleared!

So....where are these puppy pictures!?!!?!

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Things are alright.
Im pretty upset, because It's my bday friday and when I went home for lunch shane said " so i am having my friends over for your bday" and he knows I dont like them, so i said " No your not, because you're having them over for you, and if none of my friends are invited how is it for me?" and he got mad and said I am no longer invited to his birthday :( Im his WIFE.
Ughhh.

Oh my puppy! I will have to upload some! He is is ADORABLE

[BnB]

Things are alright.
Im pretty upset, because It's my bday friday and when I went home for lunch shane said " so i am having my friends over for your bday" and he knows I dont like them, so i said " No your not, because you're having them over for you, and if none of my friends are invited how is it for me?" and he got mad and said I am no longer invited to his birthday :( Im his WIFE.
Ughhh.

Oh my puppy! I will have to upload some! He is is ADORABLE


:(:(:(ughhhhhhhhhhh

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Well, we got over that. My bday is on friday, and i thinkmy mom and dad are taking me to Abuelos. Then (hopefully if Shane doesnt work) saturday were goin gto go up north to sedona and bring our new pup hamlet!
Tonight is the lovely dinner. Lol. :snide:

Here's Hamlet!
4627

[amisteratwisterandme]

What a cute little guy!

[savepaws]

I totally missed that you were getting a dog!! He is so cute! Where did you get him? Now you guys can take the little guy on walks together! Are there any dog parks in your area? That would be fun to go to as well!

[MrsDM]

Awww...how cute is he!? What kind of dog is he??

I hope everything goes okay tonight! Good luck!

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks ladies! He is a miniture pincher/chihauaha mix. We got him at the shelter. He was so sad there, crying and trying to get out of his cage. Everyone kept walking past him, and Shane did too, and said no to him because he seemed timid and scared. But I said no that he was the one because i was so sad he was crying!
ANd now shane LOVEs him. He is the best dog.
YAWN!
4628

[WebLady]

I moved the convo about the dog to the furbaby forum since not everyone reads the journals :)
http://forums.onewed.com/showthread.php?t=26125

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Oh thank you :)

[Qtpie]

How did the dinner go?

[BnB]

I'm here looking for an update as well

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Well, it could of been classified as...



a disaster!!

It went horribly. First of all, it was in a public resturant :bbeek: Which was embarassing. I get there, was pretty quiet because I didn't really want to be there. Then, she started pointin fingers and blaming me, and then she asked why I didn't like her, and I went to (respectfully) explain, and she started rolling her eyes, and disagreeing with me. Then I got really mad. Apparently (according to Shane and my mama) I was practically yelling. And I am NEVER like that. Im pretty shy usually. I think that's why they were shocked. Haha.
But needless to say, things are now worse, and not better.
Sometimes people just don't get along, I guess.

[BnB]

What did Shane say?

where do you go from here?

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Shane seemed very nervous and did not stand up for me it seemed. I was sort of upset with that.
We just all went home. It never was resolved. I think things got too heated.

[Qtpie]

I am so sorry Danielle that things didnt go better. I hope eventually everything will come together and work out for you.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you. I hope things work out too. Especially since my mom invited both of us to a memorial day bbq!:bbeek:
Im just disappointed she couldn't of even been civil last night

[BnB]

do you have a plan, even if it's to completely ignore her?????????????

[kgvettegirl]

It sounds like your MIL has forgotten a very important point. She is POing the mother of her future grand children. And, this might sound harsh but I'd remind her of that fact. Let her know that until her behavior towards you changes for the better that any contact will be limited and monitored. That will get her to start thinking. Oh yeah and you might want to let Shane know that he will be backing you up on that point.

I'm so blessed that my MIL is the sweetest and kindest woman on the planet (at least I think so) I wish you could enjoy the same kind of relationship with yours. Don't back down. Stand your ground. Kill her with kindness and don't let her see that she is getting to you. That just encourages her to do her worst. When I was married to my first husband I had to play the grand kid card it worked like a charm.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I think ignoring her is the plan I am going for. I thinkin my opnion that seems like the best option. I mean, I tried. She was so mean last night, i went home and cried. :( So I just think I am done dealing with her.

A little happy side note: Last night, for my bday Shane gave me my present! He handed me a GameStop bag with a video game in it. He likes video games! I was pretty disappointed, hahah. Then he said. Oh, I made you lunch, it's in the microwave. And in the microwave was a BEAUTIFUL necklace! The one I have had my eye on. The one from Kay called the "Open heart collection".
I was so excite.d

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

It sounds like your MIL has forgotten a very important point. She is POing the mother of her future grand children. And, this might sound harsh but I'd remind her of that fact. Let her know that until her behavior towards you changes for the better that any contact will be limited and monitored. That will get her to start thinking. Oh yeah and you might want to let Shane know that he will be backing you up on that point.

I'm so blessed that my MIL is the sweetest and kindest woman on the planet (at least I think so) I wish you could enjoy the same kind of relationship with yours. Don't back down. Stand your ground. Kill her with kindness and don't let her see that she is getting to you. That just encourages her to do her worst. When I was married to my first husband I had to play the grand kid card it worked like a charm.
I ALMOST used the grandkid card last night. My mom said "So, if you guys hate each other, what about your grandkids?" And I almost said " She will NEVER babysit my kids! I see the way she is with Serenity". ( Serentity is her grandchild from Shane's sister). But I thought that would be too far.
She is a horrible grandma! She screams at that baby because she thinks it's funny to make her cry. They have dropped her before and she cried and they laughed.
I almost said she would never be around my baby alone. But i held my tounge.
I think shane would be upset if I said it because it's his mom. But trust me. She ain't seeing my baby without me around.

[BnB]

How old is your Mil??????

I just realized, as young as you and Shane are, she too could still be considered young, especially to be a MIL and gramma

and that's NO excuse for her behavior, AND I keep thinking she should be the adult here.............but I may very well be older than her

and if you're dealing with someone who's immature herself...........then I'm not sure my advice would work

I think she should be handling this differently than she is, I"m not looking for excuses for her, but I do think her age could play a huge part in this, or just her maturity

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

She is WAY young. She is 36! She had SHane at 15.



Today is my bday. Finally 19 :holiday:

[savepaws]

Happy birthday! :) Hope you have a great day. Try not to stress out about MIL on your special day!

[BnB]

She is WAY young. She is 36! She had SHane at 15.



Today is my bday. Finally 19 :holiday:

That helps me understand a little, I guess

Happy Birthday to you

[MrsDM]

Happy 19th Birthday!!! So, what did you all decide to do tonight??

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks ladies :)

Me and Shane, my parents, grandparents, uncle, and bro and sis in law are all going to Abuelo's for dinner, and then back to my mom's house for cake.
:) Im pretty excited to see everyone.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Asking for some prayers- My dad was in the ER the other night, with extremely high blood pressure. He has blood pressure problems, but we feel they are getting worse. Prayers are appreciated. :whyme:

On another note. Is it bad that I don't lik my MIL in my home now? I know it's not fair to Shane to feel that way, and I am not telling him that she can't come over. But I'm at work and I know she is at my house right now playing with my dog and it makes me mad :irked: Because I KNOW she is gonna try and talk about me with Shane, and I just don't think it's fair. Poor Hamlet has to endure her presence for an hour, I hope he makes it!:puppy:<-- this is a dog, right?

Anyways. Shane and I have been working on our problems, and I feel we're making progress. He is starting to be more open and honest with me, and I appreciate it. I hope it continues
Not a bad bday so far.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Haven't been on in a few weeks.
Me and Shane are splitting up. Which he decided to tell me at work.
Wished I listened to everyone beforehand. Not much more to say I gues.
Wish i would of chose someone, or anyone different. He has changed so much since we got married, all the lies came out, and now who I am with is nothing like the person I thought I married.
Im ver very angry right now, and very unhappy.
Not sure what to do. Especially with all these emotions

[WebLady]

Sorry it had to happen this way; but it is probably for the best ... at least you don't have kids. All the best :flower: :hug:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

True. Just very sad right now

[gwenshack]

I'm sorry to hear this, Danielle. No chance counseling would remedy the situation? Best of luck to you both! *hugs*

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

I think Ill suggest it. Maybe he wil go for it, but fromt he stuff he has been saying, I don't think he will.

Anyways..other than that, not much else is going on. My parents got me a "kindle" for my birthday, which is this cool electronic book, that you can buy books off of and read em. Right now I am reading Leaves of Grass by Walt Witman.
Working alot lately too, which I guess is good to help me get my mind off this stuff.

[Qtpie]

I am so sorry to hear this Danielle, I hope things will work out between the two of you.

[MrsDM]

I'm really sorry to hear about all of this Danielle. I wish you and Shane all the best.

[BnB]

Oh Danielle, I know you don't want to hear this now, but you will realize later in life that this is a lesson learned. And I hope you can heal from it and have a wonderful life.

You are so very young, and have your entire future ahead of you, and you deserve to be happy, everyday for the rest of your life.

Good luck to you.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you ladies. Were starting to realize how different things are becoming. Honestly, things have happened this week that are making even me reconsider this relationship. Something happened friday that really crossed the line, and now I am wondering if it will keep happening. ( as this is not the first time.)

Anwyays, I am considering bringing up counseling. We are being civil to one another lately, trying to avoid the elephant in the room it seems.

He just needs to learn to be honest with me and all would be okay. He has been "confessing" alot of lies hehas told me over the years, and as I am relieved he is telling me the truth now, my trust has gone very far down in him, and causing alot of problems.
I keep telling myself " the past is the past" and too let it go, I'm just not that kind of person it seems, even though I wish i could.
I keep praying everyday though it gets better.

Thanks ladies. :chimp:

[Thalia_themuse]

Well, it's good that he's telling you the truth... you should let him know that you appreciate the truth and you're glad he is telling you, but that it doesn't excuse the lie.

If there is something specific that has happened, maybe you should go post about it on the Private Thoughts forum, and you can get some more specific advice. But if someone has done/said something they are more likely to do it again... and if it's happened more than once the person is probably a repeat offender and you can bet it'll happen again unless the person has a miraculous turn around...

I think the most important thing for you to do is to figure out *your* life and what *you* want. What you need to be happy is the most important thing here, whether it includes Shane or not. It's hard to separate yourself and your happiness from the other person (this is especially true if you are in an uneven relationship), but it really is important...

Just some thoughts. All the best :flower:

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you. And yes, I told him i really appreciated him telling me the truth about things now..but I was still hurt he lied for 2 years.

And yes, I have been thinking alot about myself lately. Like what I want, where I want to visit, what I want to do. I'm figuring certian things out, that don't seem like they could happen.
Like I know I want to be a teacher, but I don't think I have the time for school when I work full time.
I want to travel to North Carolina, but don't really have the money right now.

But yeah. Things *need* to change with us. I think were both to the point that if they don't, were going to call it quits. I know where it needs to start. Him being honest/ me trusting him.

Thanks for listening ladies. I feel better when I share on here

[lilmsjess]

it's good that you guys are being able to open up to each other...

i was wondering where you'd went, haven't seen you on myself, in quite awhile!:hug:

[MrsDM]

Hey Danielle -

Havent heard from you in a few days, just seeing how you are :)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Oh thank you. I'm doing alright. Trying to fix our relationship still.
Shane just turned 21 so maybe we can just drink alot and not fight. Lol. :)

How are things with you?