AngelinLove
06-28-2006, 03:02 PM
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo !!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me
on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&**
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun.....
....like a root canal or a vasectomy.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo !!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me
on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&**
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun.....
....like a root canal or a vasectomy.