New Father for my Daughter

[EmmasMommy8106]

I have a daughter who is almost 3 years old. Her father left us 2 weeks before our wedding for some other girl who he just got engaged to. My fiancee and I are getting married/eloping on June 7th because our friend is an ordained minister. Anyway, my daughter accepts my fiancee and even calls him daddy quite a bit. I want to have my ex sign away his parental rights so that my fiancee can adopt my daughter. People find that to be so wrong even when I explain that her real father is doing drugs and cant hold a job to save his life. Is it honestly that wrong to have him sign away his rights and to let my fiancee adopt my daughter?:bbneutral:

[mitch]

I personally don't see anything wrong with it. As long as the Child knows who Her real Daddy is as She gets older. And it's not hidden from Her.
Sometimes adoption is the best thing for the Child.

I know a few people who were adopted and knew from the outset.

One used to be bullied at school for it. But She came back with the perfect answer.
"My Parents Chose Me. Yours Are Stuck With You" :winktongue:

Good Luck.

[ChristineLS]

If your ex is not interested in being a father, but your fiance is, and would make a good father, who cares if it's not the biological father? Creating a child takes more than the initial cellular donation - it's the lifetime of raising it. It seems that if you are making the choice out of the best interests for Emma and not from malice towards the ex, there is nothing wrong with it.

[WebLady]

I agree with the others; do what is best for your daughter and who cares what anyone else says.

[firespirit]

I'm one of those people that does not agree with signing away rights. I guess I'm curious why you feel that absolutely has to be done for your fiance to be a dad. If he's already acting like her dad, what difference is adoption going to make?

Aside from that, I read in another post that you are quite young, I assume your daughter's father is probably quite young too, and people do change quite a bit especially in their 20's.

[KristinGriffin]

I think a family is based on love, respect and honesty. Biology these days has little to do with it - if you think adoption is best for your daughter, I'd say go for it - especially if you are worried that your Ex is a bad influence for your daughter with the drug habit...

As long as you are honest with her as she grows up, it should be no problem, but I do think it's best that she knows all about her family history. I have a good friend who grew up thinking she was an only child, to find out later she had two older half-sisters! She's thrilled to know them now, (had always wished for siblings), but sad that her parents weren't up front with her and she missed out on 30 years of sharing her life with her sisters!

As long as you have your daughter's best interests in mind, I think that's what matters.

[EmmasMommy8106]

Thank you all so much. Yeah I am young and so is my ex, he is 20 now and im almost 19 (april 14).

[Whitewater]

I'm one of those people that does not agree with signing away rights. I guess I'm curious why you feel that absolutely has to be done for your fiance to be a dad. If he's already acting like her dad, what difference is adoption going to make?

Aside from that, I read in another post that you are quite young, I assume your daughter's father is probably quite young too, and people do change quite a bit especially in their 20's.


Legal adoption often has to happen in order for the new 'dad' -- the one who takes better care of the child and can provide better financially, etc -- to legally make decisions about the child's welfare. In some states, unless you've actually gone through the legal process (in other words, adoption) you can't even make decisions that pertain to your new family, ie in a hospital emergency. Parental rights are very important!

Sometimes, if you haven't got parental rights, you can't save for the child's future in a college IRA, or get them life insurance, etc. Financial preparedness goes right out the window. You can't take the kid out of state -- what about family vacations? And if you haven't got parental rights and you *do* take the child away for a vacation and the biological parent(s) get nasty about it, *technically* you could get charged with kidnapping!

What difference will adoption make? All the difference in the world! Imagine this -- this 3 year old little girl and her new parents are in a car wreck, perhaps coming home from seeing the grandparents. They all wind up in the emergency room at midnight. The ER doctors, depending on where the child lives, are forced to sit around and do nothing, despite the husband-of-the-mother being right there and only having minor injuries, because her mother is unconscious and her legal father is nowhere to be found.

Would you let the little girl go without treatment because her biological father is a deadbeat? I didn't think so.

THAT is why adoption is so important, and why it makes all the difference. Legally, nowadays, things have to be very clear.

And if this child's father is an out-of-work junkie, I'd suggest that he lost his parental rights the first time he got high. Now, it's just a matter of making that a formal decision.

Emma'smom, I think you're dead on. I think you need to give Emma's parental rights to the people who will be able to do the best for her -- you and your new husband.


Whitewater

[bichonlvr]

If he's already acting like her dad, what difference is adoption going to make?

Aside from that, I read in another post that you are quite young, I assume your daughter's father is probably quite young too, and people do change quite a bit especially in their 20's.

I 100% agree! People change a lot. I would hate for something to not work out with your new guy and then start the process all over again. Being a stepparent can be just as amazing!! How long have you been with your new fiancee? How old is he?

She might want a relationship with her bio dad one day and so might he. Not fair for you to take that all away from them.

[bichonlvr]

Legal adoption often has to happen in order for the new 'dad' -- the one who takes better care of the child and can provide better financially, etc -- to legally make decisions about the child's welfare. In some states, unless you've actually gone through the legal process (in other words, adoption) you can't even make decisions that pertain to your new family, ie in a hospital emergency. Parental rights are very important!

Sometimes, if you haven't got parental rights, you can't save for the child's future in a college IRA, or get them life insurance, etc. Financial preparedness goes right out the window. You can't take the kid out of state -- what about family vacations? And if you haven't got parental rights and you *do* take the child away for a vacation and the biological parent(s) get nasty about it, *technically* you could get charged with kidnapping!

What difference will adoption make? All the difference in the world! Imagine this -- this 3 year old little girl and her new parents are in a car wreck, perhaps coming home from seeing the grandparents. They all wind up in the emergency room at midnight. The ER doctors, depending on where the child lives, are forced to sit around and do nothing, despite the husband-of-the-mother being right there and only having minor injuries, because her mother is unconscious and her legal father is nowhere to be found.

Actually, a lot of this is not true, a step parent has a lot of rights too. You can see them in the hospital, save for college, put them on insurance and car insurance, health care, etc.

I was on EVERYTHING of my stepfather's. And I can put my stepkids on mine!

IMHO It is hard to take parental rights away from teenagers, they might change and want things when they are older.

[HisDelightfulFaerie]

There are ways to get a stepparent the right to do things legally for your child. You just have to make sure you have your ducks in a row. Also while it's hopeful that love lasts forever it might not. THEN what do you do?

Also, very few people can hold a job while on drugs. Very few can also get off of drugs on their own. Has anyone tried to help the father of your daughter?

Thirdly, he didn't leave YALL, he left YOU.

[ChristineLS]

There are ways to get a stepparent the right to do things legally for your child. You just have to make sure you have your ducks in a row. Also while it's hopeful that love lasts forever it might not. THEN what do you do?

Also, very few people can hold a job while on drugs. Very few can also get off of drugs on their own. Has anyone tried to help the father of your daughter?

Thirdly, he didn't leave YALL, he left YOU.

The OP doesn't make it sound like the ex is doing much for the kid. The last line struck me as a bit judgmental- if you leave the mother taking care of the kid, and then do not do much to take care of the kid yourself, you are leaving both. And that is how the child will feel. This is a bit of a sensitive issue to me as it affects some families close to my own - biological dad abandons mother and kid, kid grows up with someone else as "dad", then suddenly biological dad wants to be a dad. It's confusing and disruptive to the kid, the family, and in the cases I am thinking of, makes the kid feel like some sort of pawn.

Maybe it's because I spend my time in a field that ignores biology, but to me the title of "father" belongs to the person doing the raising, not the person who donates the sperm (unless they happen to be the same). While step parents have rights, they are completely undermined by a biological father in the eyes of the law UNLESS the stepparent becomes the legal guardian. If the mother dies (heaven forbid!!!), the kid goes not to the step father, but the biological father. If I found out down the road that my dad wasn't my biological father, I would not care. He raised me, he took care of me, and with my mom are responsible for how I turned out. That's the hard part - conception is easy.

Frankly, in my opinion, if the ex is even willing to sign away his rights as a parent, he probably does not deserve them.

[firespirit]

Legal adoption often has to happen in order for the new 'dad' -- the one who takes better care of the child and can provide better financially, etc -- to legally make decisions about the child's welfare. In some states, unless you've actually gone through the legal process (in other words, adoption) you can't even make decisions that pertain to your new family, ie in a hospital emergency. Parental rights are very important!

Sometimes, if you haven't got parental rights, you can't save for the child's future in a college IRA, or get them life insurance, etc. Financial preparedness goes right out the window. You can't take the kid out of state -- what about family vacations? And if you haven't got parental rights and you *do* take the child away for a vacation and the biological parent(s) get nasty about it, *technically* you could get charged with kidnapping!

What difference will adoption make? All the difference in the world! Imagine this -- this 3 year old little girl and her new parents are in a car wreck, perhaps coming home from seeing the grandparents. They all wind up in the emergency room at midnight. The ER doctors, depending on where the child lives, are forced to sit around and do nothing, despite the husband-of-the-mother being right there and only having minor injuries, because her mother is unconscious and her legal father is nowhere to be found.

Would you let the little girl go without treatment because her biological father is a deadbeat? I didn't think so.

THAT is why adoption is so important, and why it makes all the difference. Legally, nowadays, things have to be very clear.

And if this child's father is an out-of-work junkie, I'd suggest that he lost his parental rights the first time he got high. Now, it's just a matter of making that a formal decision.

Emma'smom, I think you're dead on. I think you need to give Emma's parental rights to the people who will be able to do the best for her -- you and your new husband.


Whitewater

In an emergency situation ER doctors are not going to refuse to treat a child and sit around and twiddle their thumbs. They will attempt to get consent and if they can't reach the parent they will treat the child and document their attempts to get consent. Aside from that, anytime I drop my child off at a summer program I give consent for them to let him be treated in an emercency situation, technically the step-dad could always carry around a form that says in the absence of his mother, he is authorized to permit medical treatment.

Anyone can save up for a child's college tuition.

Also, the OP has admitted she is young and even hasn't told her parents she is getting married in 2 months... I know we like to hope everything lasts forever, but think about the mess that child will go through if their marriage doesn't work out.

Also, doing drugs and being an out of work junkie are 2 different things. There is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS more than one side to every story.

[HisDelightfulFaerie]

The OP doesn't make it sound like the ex is doing much for the kid. The last line struck me as a bit judgmental- if you leave the mother taking care of the kid, and then do not do much to take care of the kid yourself, you are leaving both. And that is how the child will feel. This is a bit of a sensitive issue to me as it affects some families close to my own - biological dad abandons mother and kid, kid grows up with someone else as "dad", then suddenly biological dad wants to be a dad. It's confusing and disruptive to the kid, the family, and in the cases I am thinking of, makes the kid feel like some sort of pawn.

Maybe it's because I spend my time in a field that ignores biology, but to me the title of "father" belongs to the person doing the raising, not the person who donates the sperm (unless they happen to be the same). While step parents have rights, they are completely undermined by a biological father in the eyes of the law UNLESS the stepparent becomes the legal guardian. If the mother dies (heaven forbid!!!), the kid goes not to the step father, but the biological father. If I found out down the road that my dad wasn't my biological father, I would not care. He raised me, he took care of me, and with my mom are responsible for how I turned out. That's the hard part - conception is easy.

Frankly, in my opinion, if the ex is even willing to sign away his rights as a parent, he probably does not deserve them.

We have no idea what the background story is. He could very well had tried a time or two to interact with his child and been shut down because he wasn't willing to enter back into a relationship with the mother. He could be a deadbeat like she implies. We don't know.

Parental rights should not be terminated unless every avenue has been exhausted. If her fiance is such a great dad now, he will continue to be a great dad with or without the papers.

Also, she said her daughter was 3 right? If so, then how long ago did all of this happen? Termination of rights is something to be taken AND ASKED for after serious thought.

[Jenna5366]

biological dad abandons mother and kid, kid grows up with someone else as "dad", then suddenly biological dad wants to be a dad. It's confusing and disruptive to the kid, the family, and in the cases I am thinking of, makes the kid feel like some sort of pawn.

Maybe it's because I spend my time in a field that ignores biology, but to me the title of "father" belongs to the person doing the raising, not the person who donates the sperm (unless they happen to be the same). While step parents have rights, they are completely undermined by a biological father in the eyes of the law UNLESS the stepparent becomes the legal guardian. If the mother dies (heaven forbid!!!), the kid goes not to the step father, but the biological father.

I am 1000000% agreeing with you. These are the exact reasons DH and I are going to have me formally adopt DSS. His bio mother signed away all of her parental rights on a whim - because she wanted to go out and party. DH had had enough of her on again/off again parenting so he told her to sign away all of her rights. And she did. She's THAT kind of mother. So what happens to DSS if, god forbid, DH dies? Does he stay with me, his step mother, who has raised him since he was 2, longer than she ever had? Nope, he would go to her. And that is NOT right, not at all.

This is not saying that we keep him away from his mom. If he wants a relationship with her in the future, great. He doesn't care for one right now. Yes, he's only 7. But it's his choice. He chooses not to go to visit her, as her and her boyfriend party, drink, and fight - violently - when he's there.

[HisDelightfulFaerie]

I am 1000000% agreeing with you. These are the exact reasons DH and I are going to have me formally adopt DSS. His bio mother signed away all of her parental rights on a whim - because she wanted to go out and party. DH had had enough of her on again/off again parenting so he told her to sign away all of her rights. And she did. She's THAT kind of mother. So what happens to DSS if, god forbid, DH dies? Does he stay with me, his step mother, who has raised him since he was 2, longer than she ever had? Nope, he would go to her. And that is NOT right, not at all.

This is not saying that we keep him away from his mom. If he wants a relationship with her in the future, great. He doesn't care for one right now. Yes, he's only 7. But it's his choice. He chooses not to go to visit her, as her and her boyfriend party, drink, and fight - violently - when he's there.

I think your situation is COMPLETELY different. She signed them away willingly and it appears that your DH requested that based solely on her actions, not to replace her.

Re-read the original post:
I have a daughter who is almost 3 years old. Her father left us 2 weeks before our wedding for some other girl who he just got engaged to. My fiancee and I are getting married/eloping on June 7th because our friend is an ordained minister. Anyway, my daughter accepts my fiancee and even calls him daddy quite a bit. I want to have my ex sign away his parental rights so that my fiancee can adopt my daughter. People find that to be so wrong even when I explain that her real father is doing drugs and cant hold a job to save his life. Is it honestly that wrong to have him sign away his rights and to let my fiancee adopt my daughter?

The child isn't 3 yet. How much could she have thought about this? And she states the bio father left "them" for another woman. Unless he's doing something HIGHLY illegal, he didn't leave his daughter for another woman he left the poster for another woman. This looks like a quick elopement (how long have they been in a relationship?) and it looks like SHE is the one that wants rights signed away, not the bio father. It doesn't even appear that the bio father has any clue this is coming down the pipe.

Let's say the bio dad is a complete deadbeat. Why not wait until AFTER the wedding to proceed with termination of rights?

[Goin2thechapel]

I think your situation is COMPLETELY different. She signed them away willingly and it appears that your DH requested that based solely on her actions, not to replace her.

Re-read the original post:


The child isn't 3 yet. How much could she have thought about this? And she states the bio father left "them" for another woman. Unless he's doing something HIGHLY illegal, he didn't leave his daughter for another woman he left the poster for another woman. This looks like a quick elopement (how long have they been in a relationship?) and it looks like SHE is the one that wants rights signed away, not the bio father. It doesn't even appear that the bio father has any clue this is coming down the pipe.

Let's say the bio dad is a complete deadbeat. Why not wait until AFTER the wedding to proceed with termination of rights?
Maybe we should just wait to see if the original poster wants to share more of this story with us before jumping to conclusions. ;)

[mj512]

It's good that you girls are sharing thoughts, opinions and advice! I'm sure the poster will certainly benefit from all that you girls have to say. I just wanted to add a very friendly reminder to keep it nice. Everyone is posting nice at this point, I just want to make sure it stays that way, so that everyone can share their thoughts to the OP. I can see how it can be a little bit of a touchy subject since various people have came from various situations and have emotional ties. I'm sure no one actually needed the reminder, but I just thought I would throw it out there so it doesn't turn into something that it shouldn't.

[HisDelightfulFaerie]

Maybe we should just wait to see if the original poster wants to share more of this story with us before jumping to conclusions. ;)

Assuming that she needs to rush to the courthouse to have her fiance adopt her daughter because her bio dad is a punk is in fact an assumption. ;)

All I'm pointing out is that there could be 50 million other things going on and instead of encouraging her to do something that could come back to bite her in the butt it'd probably be a better idea to encourage her to think everything over thoroughly, take herself out of the equation and make sure that at the end of the day she took her time and made the best decision for all involved parties.

I personally don't want her to post more details because that can be embarrassing and convoluted. Some things should be kept private and this is probably one of them. People can be tacky and mean. No need to give the judgmental masses ammunition. (People tend to get more judgmental the more emotional they get.)

I DO however hope and wish that the OP will do the above bolded and be at peace with herself in the end.

[ally20o7]

A lot of what I say will be reiterating what has already been said, just in my own words.

If the biological father doesn't want to sign away his rights, no pressure should be put on him to do so. That is his decision and his alone.

I almost get the vibe that the OP wants to create that 'perfect family' for her daughter, and while there is nothing wrong with the 'perfect family' keep in mind that there really isn't such a thing anymore. Each family has to find their own perfect. (I could be totally wrong on this and I mean no offense)

I would implore Emma's mom to keep in mind that this is about Emma. Not you, her father, or her step-father or his girlfriend. This is what is in her best interests. I understand that you may be hurt from previous grievances, but for the baby's sake have at least a decent relationship with the father in front of her. My parents are in the process of splitting up right now and it kills me to see them yell at each other and cause each other pain. Imagine what it would do to a baby.

[gwenshack]

I hate to bring up the fact that you're young, as it seems you've been through a lot in your life already. I think it's sad that you went through that - an irresponsible father and fiance leaves you and a child to fend for yourselves - I wish it wouldn't have worked out that way for you. Hopefully your new fiance will treat you and your child the way you deserve to be treated.

I won't make any judgments on the fact that you're getting married so young, but I need to go back to another thread where you said that you weren't going to tell your parents that you are getting married. I don't know all the details of your situation and don't presume to know the relationship you have with your parents by any stretch of the imagination, but, even though you've been through a lot and are somebody else's mother, you still need your parents. They are going to be the people who help you wade through the waters of life - because they've been there and done that - they can help you figure out what is best for you and your child and your FH and the bio dad. They can help you research the ramifications of terminating rights. As much as we, as a supportive forum on the internet, want to help you make the right decision for you - and, frankly, I have no opinion one way or the other on the subject, we don't know you, your situation, or any of the people involved.

I beg you to please talk to your parents and have them look into the subject for you. Please go with them to talk to a lawyer to discuss what your FH's rights would be and what the advantages would be to having the bio dad sign away rights. Allow the people in your life to help you.

If, for some reason, you have no contact with your parents, please talk to your FH's parents, a counselor at your old high school, ANYBODY you trust to help you find the information you need to make a responsible decision.

Good luck to you and your child with your future - I hope it's a happy and bright one.

[EmmasMommy8106]

I think your situation is COMPLETELY different. She signed them away willingly and it appears that your DH requested that based solely on her actions, not to replace her.

Re-read the original post:


The child isn't 3 yet. How much could she have thought about this? And she states the bio father left "them" for another woman. Unless he's doing something HIGHLY illegal, he didn't leave his daughter for another woman he left the poster for another woman. This looks like a quick elopement (how long have they been in a relationship?) and it looks like SHE is the one that wants rights signed away, not the bio father. It doesn't even appear that the bio father has any clue this is coming down the pipe.

Let's say the bio dad is a complete deadbeat. Why not wait until AFTER the wedding to proceed with termination of rights?

I am going to wait until after the wedding. I have given much thought to this. He has not seen her once since he left over a year ago. Just made a phone call to the daycare saying he was going to come see her and he never did. From what I know, all he does is go out and party.

[EmmasMommy8106]

I hate to bring up the fact that you're young, as it seems you've been through a lot in your life already. I think it's sad that you went through that - an irresponsible father and fiance leaves you and a child to fend for yourselves - I wish it wouldn't have worked out that way for you. Hopefully your new fiance will treat you and your child the way you deserve to be treated.

I won't make any judgments on the fact that you're getting married so young, but I need to go back to another thread where you said that you weren't going to tell your parents that you are getting married. I don't know all the details of your situation and don't presume to know the relationship you have with your parents by any stretch of the imagination, but, even though you've been through a lot and are somebody else's mother, you still need your parents. They are going to be the people who help you wade through the waters of life - because they've been there and done that - they can help you figure out what is best for you and your child and your FH and the bio dad. They can help you research the ramifications of terminating rights. As much as we, as a supportive forum on the internet, want to help you make the right decision for you - and, frankly, I have no opinion one way or the other on the subject, we don't know you, your situation, or any of the people involved.

I beg you to please talk to your parents and have them look into the subject for you. Please go with them to talk to a lawyer to discuss what your FH's rights would be and what the advantages would be to having the bio dad sign away rights. Allow the people in your life to help you.

If, for some reason, you have no contact with your parents, please talk to your FH's parents, a counselor at your old high school, ANYBODY you trust to help you find the information you need to make a responsible decision.

Good luck to you and your child with your future - I hope it's a happy and bright one.


The reason we are not telling our parents is due to some more personal issues than not caring for their opinion. I want them to be there and we will have another 'wedding' but for right now we just want this to be just us and witnesses.

[Ohio888Bride]

Each family has to find their own perfect.

Aww, these words almost made me cry, because they're so "perfect" and true.

Very well said, Ally! :innocent: