let me run this past you

[hummingbird521]

ok, as most of you know we just got married a little over a month ago. well friday is my step daughters birthday. she will be 9 years old. the tradition has always been for her father (my husband) and her mother ( ex wife) to throw her a birthday party with all of her grandparents, cousins and all the relatives in tow. sortof like a family reunion of sorts. well i just assumed this year would be different since we have all remarried. wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the ex is still having the usual birthday party this saturday and wants us to come. of course my husband wants to be there it is his daughter and i understand this to some length. but i don't really want to go. i think i would end up being like the odd man out. when i told him this he said it would make it look bad. i don't really want to get to know her family. i expected that we would have her a party with some of her friends and the ex would do whatever she perferred to do as well. but not include us in it. should i go???? part of me wants to for my step daughter, but a large part of me doesn't want to get there and feel like i am not welcome. i don't know anyone other than the ex and her new husband and in all honesty don't really care to be around her a lot. we get along ok i guess, but..............................need suggestions and ideas on this one.

[theweddinghelper]

I totally get why you wouldn't want to go but I think you should ...

A) Put your foot down and say you guys should start a new tradition and have 2 sep. parties.(1 w/ just her, and her family and another 1 w/ you, your hubby, and maybe relatives on you'lls side of the family.

B)If your hubby and your step daughter is really set on doing the B day party like they used to I would def. go! You will be a major part of her life now and if her mother wants your hubby involved it should be a given that you will be in tow w/ him.
I do think it will look much better if you do go bc they might let their minds wonder if he shows up w/ out you!;) (Also, if you go, @least you are making an effort to get along w/ her which will benefit your step child.) In my opinion I would choose B and you could always mention that it would be nice to do your own thing next year.

[Kacie_bride]

I too understand why you don't want to go. I wouldn't want to go either. However, as long as things are kosher between your hubby and his ex and the family, you may just have to get used to the tradition and go with it. Justin comes from a divorced family and times like when he graduated from college, there was a party, and both of his parents were at his mom's house. Their new spouses were also both there. Things went over well at Justin's party. I would think you husband would help you to feel comfortable as possible. It will be a hard situation, but I think you can get through it!

[MOB Karen]

I wouldn't want to go either, but I would be there with bells on. You don't, for one second, want them to have a family function and you're not there. You are doing it for your step-daughter and your husband, not for your husband's ex-wife's family. If it was me, I would make myself the most friendly and helpful person at that party that they had ever seen. By the time I left the party, they would love me! And I will have them believing that I wanted to come to this party bad!! You can ask Amber, I really think I might have been an actress in my former life!! LOL!! Good luck with whatever you decide to do, Treasia! We're here for you!!

[hummingbird521]

i asked jerry last night to be honest with me. i asked him if he really wanted me to go and he said "yes, i do". so i am going. you are all right about it. while i don't like this tradition and hope it will be changing by next year, i also don't want him to go alone. even though the ex remarried she is still in love with my husband. but that is another story. once more you ladies are right. if i stayed home that would give them more reason to talk or her to suspect we were having some sort of problems. so as karen has said i will go with bells on. but when i get home i am going to ring the heck out of them. :bblol: i do want to get along with everyone and show my husband support. he shows it to me in anything i do or need. so i will do the same for him. and as i said my step daughter would probably be hurt if i didn't come. and her and i are getting a nice relationship started between us. but maybe by next year we can start our own traditions with the kids.

[StaceyMc]

I'm glad that you decided to go to the party. It's important for your stepdaughter to stay in contact with her maternal side of the family. I really wouldn't push to change the entire tradition, but maybe start an additional tradition for your family.

[MOB Karen]

You're so smart, Treasia, you worked that out on your own and made a terrific decision! Have the most fun you can, and just remember who you're there for. Good luck!!

[MOB Karen]

I'm glad that you decided to go to the party. It's important for your stepdaughter to stay in contact with her maternal side of the family. I really wouldn't push to change the entire tradition, but maybe start an additional tradition for your family.

You don't really want to mess with something that has been going on long before you got there, Treasia, but you would like to start having your own party now that you are in the family. Excellent idea, Stacey!!

[hummingbird521]

thanks everyone, i knew i could count on all of you for support. some things i just can't talk to my family about. if the advice came from them it would have been to not go and lay down the law. while i don't want this tradition to continue i will see what next year brings. and karen, thanks for telling me i am smart. some days lately i don't feel this way. ;) to much time with children and not enough time with adults.

i just decided to not give the ex the satisfaction of having things her way. while i dont' like her for her continued love of my husband, i would hate for her to have reason to think we are having problems. we aren't, only when she is involved.

[MOB Karen]

This fellow Grandma is here for you, girlfriend!! Take care, sweetie!!

[CindySue]

I too understand why you feel the way you do about it and you want things to be different next year, but if this is what your step-daughter wants, chances are is not going to change very easily. My ex and I used to do this, because it was easier on my children. It only changed when he went off the deep end and more or less disappeared from the picture. It was hard on my babies though.
Divorced parents being able to celebrate things like B-days and such together without WWW-3 breaking out between them or their new spouses is a wonderful thing for everyone involved but most especially the kids, and they are the most important part of all this, right?

[WhiskeyGirl]

I too understand why you feel the way you do about it and you want things to be different next year, but if this is what your step-daughter wants, chances are is not going to change very easily. My ex and I used to do this, because it was easier on my children. It only changed when he went off the deep end and more or less disappeared from the picture. It was hard on my babies though.
Divorced parents being able to celebrate things like B-days and such together without WWW-3 breaking out between them or their new spouses is a wonderful thing for everyone involved but most especially the kids, and they are the most important part of all this, right?

I agree with Cindy! The most important thing here is the CHILDREN!! They never asked for the divorce to happen in the first place, don't punish them. It's only one day out of 365. Do this for your step daughter. I can also understand not wanting to go, but think of your step daughter, think of her heart break and remember that a little uncomfortable time for you, would hurt your step daughter deeply and she may regret YOU because YOU wanted to change things!! Remember children don't think like adults. I'm glad you have decided to go, for your step daughter!! :)

[AngelinLove]

I am really glad that you decided to go Treasia and I think that in the end it will definitely be the best choice. You really don't want to go rocking to boat right now...and by next year it very well may change...but if not you have to be the best step-mom and supportive wife that you can be and do what si best for your family!!!

[hummingbird521]

Thanks everyone. The more i do think about it the more i decided for her sake it is what is best. i realize the more of a bond we two form now the better the future will be for us both. For her and jerry i decided to go. and who knows maybe next year it might be different. we may be able to break some traditions and start our own. sure hope so. my mom had the same ideas as you ladies have had. she said "you are the new one, don't rock the boat, pick you battles and the time and place for them". she really got me to thinking about things. i have decided to go as said and after it is over and done with and seeing how well it goes or not. then later on sometime i will broach the subject to jerry about how well or not it went. if it doesn't go well then i am going to tell him that he should go from now on, but to not be offended if i don't in the future prefer to go. as my mom said "this is not the time". if i try and change to much now the kids would only be hurt and blame me for things changing. hard to explain how i feel exactly but i think you all understand. i wish my ex and i had had this type of relationship when it came to the kids. maybe then i could be more understanding of it. i am trying too now. i am going to start thinking more with my head on this sort of thing and not with my heart. does that make sense to anyone?

[CindySue]

Thanks everyone. The more i do think about it the more i decided for her sake it is what is best. i realize the more of a bond we two form now the better the future will be for us both. For her and jerry i decided to go. and who knows maybe next year it might be different. we may be able to break some traditions and start our own. sure hope so. my mom had the same ideas as you ladies have had. she said "you are the new one, don't rock the boat, pick you battles and the time and place for them". she really got me to thinking about things. i have decided to go as said and after it is over and done with and seeing how well it goes or not. then later on sometime i will broach the subject to jerry about how well or not it went. if it doesn't go well then i am going to tell him that he should go from now on, but to not be offended if i don't in the future prefer to go. as my mom said "this is not the time". if i try and change to much now the kids would only be hurt and blame me for things changing. hard to explain how i feel exactly but i think you all understand. i wish my ex and i had had this type of relationship when it came to the kids. maybe then i could be more understanding of it. i am trying too now. i am going to start thinking more with my head on this sort of thing and not with my heart. does that make sense to anyone?
Yes....it does make sense. And I do understand where you are coming from. Youre mom is sooo right though. Even if you see something that is wrong or you point out something that would work better, youre the newbie and so of course, youre only going to want to start trouble. And you do not want to give the kids ANY reason not to like you.
But you do have it right.....if you are uncomfortable this year, then you should not be forced to endure that every year. You husband may know the true story, but for the kids sake Id make it look like you had something come up you just couldnt get out of instead of just not wanting to go to the party.
I didnt notice if it had been said before, but the fact that your husband wants you there is a big deal. Think of how youd feel if he said that you being there wouldnt be a good idea!
Good Luck!

[hummingbird521]

Yes....it does make sense. And I do understand where you are coming from. Youre mom is sooo right though. Even if you see something that is wrong or you point out something that would work better, youre the newbie and so of course, youre only going to want to start trouble. And you do not want to give the kids ANY reason not to like you.
But you do have it right.....if you are uncomfortable this year, then you should not be forced to endure that every year. You husband may know the true story, but for the kids sake Id make it look like you had something come up you just couldnt get out of instead of just not wanting to go to the party.
I didnt notice if it had been said before, but the fact that your husband wants you there is a big deal. Think of how youd feel if he said that you being there wouldnt be a good idea!
Good Luck!

yes, i had thought about him wanting me there and it does make me feel proud and wanted to be there for him and her. this is the one reason i am going. he does so much for me that i know i can endure this for him. who knows i might end up actually having a good time. and at least i am not the one having to plan it all out and take care of it all. so this is a large plus for me. i can possibly sit back and do some sort of relaxing. i know jerry will make me comfortable about the day. and besides i think i will buy her a gift that will knock some socks off. :)

[CindySue]

yes, i had thought about him wanting me there and it does make me feel proud and wanted to be there for him and her. this is the one reason i am going. he does so much for me that i know i can endure this for him. who knows i might end up actually having a good time. and at least i am not the one having to plan it all out and take care of it all. so this is a large plus for me. i can possibly sit back and do some sort of relaxing. i know jerry will make me comfortable about the day. and besides i think i will buy her a gift that will knock some socks off. :)
If you go thinking you will have a good time, then you will!!!! And the gift thing sounds really good!!!!