Whitewater
03-15-2009, 04:01 AM
I'd give up right now, drag Fiance down to the state offices to get our decrees and a marriage license, and say 'to hell with it' and just get married right now -- and save all the money. But I can't do that because I'd still have to pay our vendors that we've already contracted with, and in the end, that would cost us just as much by not going through with the day as it would to go ahead with our plans as we've stated them.
He's really worrying about money right now. We owe $400 in state taxes and we're $400 behind on our heating bill, and this is freaking him out big time. I don't know whether he's over-reacting or whether this really deserves his massive reaction. He's also constantly telling me how he's freaking out about how much money we're spending on the wedding and how he desperately wants to use that money to pay off what we owe. The problem with that idea is that we cannot take any money out of the wedding budget and have any reasonable expectation that it will be able to be put back before we have to spend it on wedding things, like the vendors we've already signed contracts for. We don't have that kind of liquidity.
So, to try to appease whatever it is in his soul that is driving him, he added another 8 hour shift, so now he's working 10 hours on Sunday, 13 hours on Monday, Thursday and Friday, 8 hours on Tues and Wed, and 8 hours on Saturday. That's 65 hours of actual work every week, not counting the 30ish minute drive from his first job to his second job and the 30ish minute drive home every day.
The reason he did this is because he is in full-blown panic mode about being broke. Suddenly he is convinced that we don't have enough to make ends meet. It's absurd. I do know that much. We are not going to go broke because we owe $800 to two institutions! But he's just not hearing reason right now, and that makes me unhappy.
I feel like I can't say anything because he told me very seriously that if I even mentioned anything that even *sounded* like I was saying that we didn't have enough money, he's threatened to pack a bag and go stay at his mother's house for a few days. He just can't handle all the (what I believe to be false) guilt he's carrying, because he thinks that our total and utter lack of money is because he's not doing enough. Any hint from me that I think he's failing at providing will send him right off the deep end.
How am I supposed to talk about how worried and anxious and stressed out (and quite frankly, miserable) I'm feeling about our financial situation when he's hypersensitive to whatever comes out of my mouth? No matter what I say right now (and believe me, I've tried -- the last time I said 'Hey, it's great that you have this extra shift available' he snarled at me 'What, so you think that we NEED this extra shift? Because we don't -- it's just temporary! I'm making enough money without it, if it weren't for what we owe right now." There's just no talking to a man like that) he finds some way to turn it as though I am saying that I don't have any faith in him at all, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth.
I tried talking to him tonight about some of my concerns about our wedding budget and he gave me a totally irrational response. He said that right now, if somebody offered to pay for the wedding of our dreams but that we'd have to sacrifice a baby kitten to do it, that he'd gladly pull out the knife. This from a man who loves animals!
And now I'm worrying that he's infected me with his irrational fears and that I can't think clearly about the money. I thought we had it all worked out -- the budget is very tight but doable, and I'm sticking to it --, or at least, I did a few days ago, but now I'm just collapsing in on myself with self-doubt and fear and so on.
I don't know how to talk to him about this, because it's not just the wedding, somehow he's got the idea that being behind on our heating bill and oweing money to the government means that we're utterly destitute, which we're not . . . but I know that if I do right now, all he'll hear is criticism. And I don't want to send him to his mothers, that won't help anything at all.
At least, with him gone all the time at work, I can talk to my best friends about this and at least talk to SOMEBODY without worrying that he'll flip out. But I have mixed emotions about this too -- it's great that I have this outlet, but at the same time I feel just miserable that I can't talk to him about everything. I'm so stressed out about everything right now that I woke up this morning with red scratches all over my abdomen . . . they were self-inflicted, though not consciously. I tend to scratch myself in my sleep when I'm really deep in ****e and can't see a way out. I don't know why, and I don't know how to stop it since the behavior is totally unconscious. But it's one of the signs that I need to take action quickly to fix whatever is causing the stress, although in this situation I don't know if there's anything I can do.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm even managing our wedding money well, he's not paying attention to anything I said or that we agreed on (we agreed, when the federal $7500 we were supposed to get wound up being $5200 . . . a drastic reduction, on a new budget for the money, a budget that didn't include plans for paying any of the bills, which he agreed to -- and NOW he's apparently forgotten that he agreed to do that, and he told me just last night that he intends to pay off the $800 from our Federal return . . . and there is no money in the budget to do that, not unless a miracle happens). And I feel like I can't talk to him.
From my POV he's being totally irrational and just not thinking straight, and I feel like he's dragging me down that road with him. And I don't like that, I think that *one* of us ought to stay sane and calm and be able to think logically, come up with a plan and so on. But that requires self-confidence, which he's totally sapping from me. He told me today, in the same breath, that he trusts me with our wedding budget but that he's worried there isn't enough there. Yay, thanks for the vote of confidence! *sigh*
I don't know what to do. How do you talk to somebody who won't listen? This is absolutely uncharacteristic of him, and his reaction all by itself is kind of creeping me out, because he's turned into some kind of paranoid, driven, Type A person that I don't recognize. But I'm afraid that if I try to talk to him, I'm only going to make things worse.
Help!
Whitewater (this was kind of a rant, feel free to ignore it, if you want. I just needed to vent. Better out than in, as they say.)
He's really worrying about money right now. We owe $400 in state taxes and we're $400 behind on our heating bill, and this is freaking him out big time. I don't know whether he's over-reacting or whether this really deserves his massive reaction. He's also constantly telling me how he's freaking out about how much money we're spending on the wedding and how he desperately wants to use that money to pay off what we owe. The problem with that idea is that we cannot take any money out of the wedding budget and have any reasonable expectation that it will be able to be put back before we have to spend it on wedding things, like the vendors we've already signed contracts for. We don't have that kind of liquidity.
So, to try to appease whatever it is in his soul that is driving him, he added another 8 hour shift, so now he's working 10 hours on Sunday, 13 hours on Monday, Thursday and Friday, 8 hours on Tues and Wed, and 8 hours on Saturday. That's 65 hours of actual work every week, not counting the 30ish minute drive from his first job to his second job and the 30ish minute drive home every day.
The reason he did this is because he is in full-blown panic mode about being broke. Suddenly he is convinced that we don't have enough to make ends meet. It's absurd. I do know that much. We are not going to go broke because we owe $800 to two institutions! But he's just not hearing reason right now, and that makes me unhappy.
I feel like I can't say anything because he told me very seriously that if I even mentioned anything that even *sounded* like I was saying that we didn't have enough money, he's threatened to pack a bag and go stay at his mother's house for a few days. He just can't handle all the (what I believe to be false) guilt he's carrying, because he thinks that our total and utter lack of money is because he's not doing enough. Any hint from me that I think he's failing at providing will send him right off the deep end.
How am I supposed to talk about how worried and anxious and stressed out (and quite frankly, miserable) I'm feeling about our financial situation when he's hypersensitive to whatever comes out of my mouth? No matter what I say right now (and believe me, I've tried -- the last time I said 'Hey, it's great that you have this extra shift available' he snarled at me 'What, so you think that we NEED this extra shift? Because we don't -- it's just temporary! I'm making enough money without it, if it weren't for what we owe right now." There's just no talking to a man like that) he finds some way to turn it as though I am saying that I don't have any faith in him at all, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth.
I tried talking to him tonight about some of my concerns about our wedding budget and he gave me a totally irrational response. He said that right now, if somebody offered to pay for the wedding of our dreams but that we'd have to sacrifice a baby kitten to do it, that he'd gladly pull out the knife. This from a man who loves animals!
And now I'm worrying that he's infected me with his irrational fears and that I can't think clearly about the money. I thought we had it all worked out -- the budget is very tight but doable, and I'm sticking to it --, or at least, I did a few days ago, but now I'm just collapsing in on myself with self-doubt and fear and so on.
I don't know how to talk to him about this, because it's not just the wedding, somehow he's got the idea that being behind on our heating bill and oweing money to the government means that we're utterly destitute, which we're not . . . but I know that if I do right now, all he'll hear is criticism. And I don't want to send him to his mothers, that won't help anything at all.
At least, with him gone all the time at work, I can talk to my best friends about this and at least talk to SOMEBODY without worrying that he'll flip out. But I have mixed emotions about this too -- it's great that I have this outlet, but at the same time I feel just miserable that I can't talk to him about everything. I'm so stressed out about everything right now that I woke up this morning with red scratches all over my abdomen . . . they were self-inflicted, though not consciously. I tend to scratch myself in my sleep when I'm really deep in ****e and can't see a way out. I don't know why, and I don't know how to stop it since the behavior is totally unconscious. But it's one of the signs that I need to take action quickly to fix whatever is causing the stress, although in this situation I don't know if there's anything I can do.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm even managing our wedding money well, he's not paying attention to anything I said or that we agreed on (we agreed, when the federal $7500 we were supposed to get wound up being $5200 . . . a drastic reduction, on a new budget for the money, a budget that didn't include plans for paying any of the bills, which he agreed to -- and NOW he's apparently forgotten that he agreed to do that, and he told me just last night that he intends to pay off the $800 from our Federal return . . . and there is no money in the budget to do that, not unless a miracle happens). And I feel like I can't talk to him.
From my POV he's being totally irrational and just not thinking straight, and I feel like he's dragging me down that road with him. And I don't like that, I think that *one* of us ought to stay sane and calm and be able to think logically, come up with a plan and so on. But that requires self-confidence, which he's totally sapping from me. He told me today, in the same breath, that he trusts me with our wedding budget but that he's worried there isn't enough there. Yay, thanks for the vote of confidence! *sigh*
I don't know what to do. How do you talk to somebody who won't listen? This is absolutely uncharacteristic of him, and his reaction all by itself is kind of creeping me out, because he's turned into some kind of paranoid, driven, Type A person that I don't recognize. But I'm afraid that if I try to talk to him, I'm only going to make things worse.
Help!
Whitewater (this was kind of a rant, feel free to ignore it, if you want. I just needed to vent. Better out than in, as they say.)