How do you deal.....?

[starlit.singer]

With a fiance' who seems to shoot down every idea you have about the wedding, or straight up veto's every idea you have, but is very demanding about things he wants? As in..."it has to be this way".

I will be moving to live with him (in another state) in June. I said I really wanted the wedding in my hometown so all of my friends and family could attend since I was moving away from them. He agreed...hesitantly. But now it seems like he keeps demanding things be "this way" and "his way."

Don't get me wrong I'm thrilled he wants to help and give me his input but he is seriously stressing me out! Lol

Sorry...I just needed to vent....:bbeek:

[Mrs.Goff]

Sorry that you're stressing. Have you spoke with him about this? I think you need to have a heart to heart and let him know that it's bothering you.

Honestly, I haven't had this issue. Really just the opposite. My FH didn't really care to help at all. When he told me he didn't like something, he never had another idea. Let me tell you that's aggravating too. lol

I hope that you all can work it out.

Good luck.

[gwenshack]

Weddings, like marriages, have to be about compromise - a little bit for you, a little bit for him. I think the work that goes into a wedding brings out traits in some people that you didn't know was there - I'd make sure that the stubborn streak doesn't extend to other areas as well! :)

Talk to him and explain that you want to work the details out in a manner that will make you both happy - not JUST you or JUST him. Good luck! :)

[starlit.singer]

Sorry that you're stressing. Have you spoke with him about this? I think you need to have a heart to heart and let him know that it's bothering you.

Honestly, I haven't had this issue. Really just the opposite. My FH didn't really care to help at all. When he told me he didn't like something, he never had another idea. Let me tell you that's aggravating too. lol

I hope that you all can work it out.

Good luck.
It seems as if everytime we try to talk we get into a bigger argument. I love him to death and I know I want to marry him. And I know at the end of the day it won't matter what colors we had, or even where, when or how...just that we got married to eachother.

I am going to visit him for Spring Break this friday and we agreed to talk about it then because I know sometimes emotions don't translate well over the phone, so hopefully it will work out. Otherwise we may just elope haha.

[WBandMe]

Like Gwen said, there has to be compromise. FH and I found ourselves running into the same kind of problems--either one of us would veto something but not suggest something else, or one of us would insist on something being a certain way. We ended up just kind of bargaining with each other. For example, I wanted cupcakes and FH wanted a cake, and I wanted red velvet--we decided to get a red velvet cake. Had I pushed the cupcakes, we probably would have ended up with a different flavor. There are many things we both agreed on, but for some stuff bargaining was the best way to make sure we each got what was most important to us. What if, when your fiance says "this has to be this way" you say "we can do that, but I'd like for this other thing to be this way." For us, if we couldn't agree and a bargain wouldn't work, we came up with something else altogether that we could both be happy with.

Your wedding is a very special day for both of you and you both deserve to have it how you want, but there will always be some things that are more important to you than others. You just gotta find a way to compromise without either of you feeling like you got gypped. It'll work out, and like you said, at the end of it all you'll be married!

[ikkin510]

My husband wanted and had a lot of say in our wedding too. And there were times that it was hard because he was the same way "it has to be this." But like the others said. Marriage is about compromise. If your FH is really set on an idea try to sit down and look at it and see if there is a way you can use his idea, but put your own spin on it tool. Like what WBandMe said about the compromise on her cake.
Definitely sit down and talk with him though and let him know you love having him so involved but not to forget that it's your wedding too and it should be what BOTH of you want! Good Luck hon!

[mitch]

Maybe it's because i was Married for Ten Years to My First Husband. Or that i've been with DH for over Six Years.

Or the fact i'm probably old enough to be Your Mum. :rofl:

But.

There is a way of wording things to a Man. In such a way that in the end they think the idea was completely and utterly their own to begin with. :winktongue:

My DH didn't want any fuss whatsoever at Our Wedding. He didn't even want His own Kids there. :bbeek: But i worded it in such a way that in the end He agreed. I said something along the lines of their little hearts would be broken if they didn't see us Married. (Tug at the heart strings, lay it on thick lol) In the end He folded. I eventually overheard Him saying to someone how He was glad the Kids were there. And that the day wouldn't have been the same without them.

You have to find a middle ground on somethings. Like Flowers, Colours etc. Find out exactly what Your FH wants and just gently tweak it so it suits You both.

For example, He wants Black, You want White. Middle ground is Grey.
He wants White, You want Red. Middle ground is Pink.

No, scrap that. My DH would never wear Pink :rofl:

Good Luck.

[starlit.singer]

Maybe it's because i was Married for Ten Years to My First Husband. Or that i've been with DH for over Six Years.

Or the fact i'm probably old enough to be Your Mum. :rofl:

But.

There is a way of wording things to a Man. In such a way that in the end they think the idea was completely and utterly their own to begin with. :winktongue:

My DH didn't want any fuss whatsoever at Our Wedding. He didn't even want His own Kids there. :bbeek: But i worded it in such a way that in the end He agreed. I said something along the lines of their little hearts would be broken if they didn't see us Married. (Tug at the heart strings, lay it on thick lol) In the end He folded. I eventually overheard Him saying to someone how He was glad the Kids were there. And that the day wouldn't have been the same without them.

You have to find a middle ground on somethings. Like Flowers, Colours etc. Find out exactly what Your FH wants and just gently tweak it so it suits You both.

For example, He wants Black, You want White. Middle ground is Grey.
He wants White, You want Red. Middle ground is Pink.

No, scrap that. My DH would never wear Pink :rofl:

Good Luck.
Oh believe me I've tried lol.

I have always wanted pink for my main wedding color. I've had dreams about it haha. He wanted hunter green and absoultely NO pink. I compromised and said....what about a light teal/pool color. He get's a shade of green and absolutely NO pink. I thought this was a fair compromise.....apparently not. "I don't want any girly colors..." he says. I went from giving up my love of pink to a color that I felt was a good compromise lol. Ay ay ay. haha :D

He wants a a VERY traditional wedding. And I am more of a modern kinda girl. He wants the wedding in a church, I'd prefer the wedding and reception to be all in one place because it saves us money but if he wants a church I'm game for it. He said he had to have a church and an organ playing our music. I personally HATE organs lol so I said ...well if we're getting married in a church I'd prefer a guitar or piano or even a cd of our music lol. He says "No! I want an organ." I said....you need to compromise lol.

*screams in frustration*


Ok I'm good now :D

[Gertie]

As far as the color thing goes...what about pink on the bridesmaids with hunter green sashes, hunter green ties and vests on the groomsmen? Just because he doesn't want to wear pink doesn't mean you can't have it in the wedding, imho. Btw, I am also old enough to be your mum, and I wouldn't fight with him about it. Yes, sometimes it is in how you word it. It's a little harder long distance since he can't really see you and so harder to show how much it hurts to have all your ideas struck down. Honestly, I would probably just tell him ok you get to say what you and your guys wear, as long as it can be coordinated with what me and my girls are wearing, which is pink. I love you hon, and you know it's a great color for us girlie girls so how can you say no? Now what about blahblahblah. Sometimes just moving on and confusing them with your blather will go a long way! :)

I gave up what I wanted for my first wedding because the bridesmaids were whiney about the colors I wanted (pink on half/yellow on half, and bouquets of those roses that are yellow in the center and pink on the edges - no one wanted to wear yellow even though half of them would have looked awesome in soft yellow.) I always kinda hated myself for giving in, and the second time I got married I had exactly what I wanted for a lot of things. I gave in on the things that mattered less to me, like the location, and stood my ground on what mattered to me. I've always been glad.

[f77g4]

While I dont' have a groomzilla as it seems you do, I agree with what has been said - you have to compromise.

My FH didn't like pink but thats what I kept gravitating towards. So he told me he doesn't want to wear pink but other then that he didn't care. I ended up choosing a dress with a turquoise sash so he is going to wear turquoise to match me but the groomsman and bridesmaids will be in fuchsia.

I think also when you guys talk that you guys should each make a list of the top 5 or 10 things that are important to you for the wedding. Items he only has on his list - let him handle those details, items on your list only you pick and anything on both of your lists compromise together.

Because FH isn't really into the planning with me, what I've found works with him, is for me to do some research and then send him pics and let give me his top choices from that. Like cakes - I sent him like 50-60 pictures and he chose maybe a half dozen or so that he liked and with one he said it was his absolute favorite and that is what we are going with as long as the baker agrees.

Good luck!

[lalaland13]

Oh believe me I've tried lol.

I have always wanted pink for my main wedding color. I've had dreams about it haha. He wanted hunter green and absoultely NO pink. I compromised and said....what about a light teal/pool color. He get's a shade of green and absolutely NO pink. I thought this was a fair compromise.....apparently not. "I don't want any girly colors..." he says. I went from giving up my love of pink to a color that I felt was a good compromise lol. Ay ay ay. haha :D

He wants a a VERY traditional wedding. And I am more of a modern kinda girl. He wants the wedding in a church, I'd prefer the wedding and reception to be all in one place because it saves us money but if he wants a church I'm game for it. He said he had to have a church and an organ playing our music. I personally HATE organs lol so I said ...well if we're getting married in a church I'd prefer a guitar or piano or even a cd of our music lol. He says "No! I want an organ." I said....you need to compromise lol.

*screams in frustration*


Ok I'm good now :D

If you can't compromise on the wedding, what about when you want to buy a house or have kids or whatnot? Tell him this, that your life together means compromise, not his way or the highway. Is this the only area you're clashing on, and he's perfectly adaptable in other areas of your life together? There's a fine line between him not having any "girly colors" at the wedding and him not having a girl at the wedding, ha. Tell him if he really wants a manly wedding, to marry one of his groomsmen. :bb:

OK, kidding aside, tell him weddings/marriages work better when two people have input, not just one. I agree with what someone else said: make a list of the must-haves. One of my friends did that-she and her husband each made three lists: one of things that each had to have, one of things they really wanted, and one of negotiables. Then compare. But tell him his first list can't have 20 things, ha.

[animal.crackers]

Ahhhh! Hunter green NOOOOOO! There are so many shades of green that I love, but hunter green is so 80's/early 90's! Blech. Don't cave in on that one! Real men like pink! And pink will never go out of style for weddings...

Good luck! ;)

[RosieAngel]

Oh dear. :whyme:

I had one of these divo groomzillas. While we always agreed on finances and kids and sex and all of the other important things, we did NOT agree on anything wedding-related. I wanted to get married at the Cliffhouse Restaurant in San Francisco with a classic sit-down dinner and an art deco look wedding with big round bowls of peonies everywhere. He wanted an island paradise wedding at sunset with a lots of palm-trees, a luau-themed buffet with a whole-roast pig, and candles and orchids everywhere. When I mentioned that we probably wouldn't be able to afford a whole-roast pig, he freaked out like a reality TV bride.

I think the most important thing is that you pick and choose your battles. I mostly gave him his way, because I could roll with it and he couldn't, but I put my foot down on the things that mattered most to me. We argued, and I'd say, "Look, you got to have X, Y, and Z your way, and I really feel strongly about having this particular detail so I can feel like this is my wedding too." It usually got him to calm down enough to budge on his precious dream wedding.

As a side note, DH envisioned a pink-themed wedding simply because pink is my signature color, and he never gave me a hard time about colors. :huh:

Maybe you can choose colors that you'll both like? Maybe, since he likes green so much, you can choose a lighter green and have pink as the color of the flowers or something?

[starlit.singer]

Well ladies.. I think everything is going to be ok LOL! I am heading back home after spending my spring break with him LOL and we finally discussed the wedding face to face. I think we made some progress. I believe we have it narrowed down to two dates... (he wants a spring wedding and I'd prefer summer because I'm a teacher and I get summers off LOL)

We decided on a color scheme that he says he is fine with... Aqua/pool color and raspberry! I have no idea what changed his mind lol!

Our friends threw us an engagement BBQ last night and the guys ended up watching basketball and all of the girls ( who are all married LOL) sat down with me and helped me plan and think of compromises. Gotta love friends!!!

I want cupcakes and he wants a traditional cake... So someone suggested doing a layer of cake then a layer of cupcakes, then a layer of cake and so on... I was like why didn't I think of that LOL.

I am moving to be with him in june so only 3 more months of crappy long distance and I know everything else will fall into place... I expect a few bumps along the way but we both know the main cause of all of our fights is the distance.... But hey we made it almost 5 years...what's another 3 months?

Thanks for listening!!!

[f77g4]

Good luck and glad to hear you made some progress.

[f77g4]

I wanted to show you this pic with a cake & cupcakes so you can see. I think if done right it can really help!

http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp351/f77g4/Cakeandcupcakeidea.jpg

[Mrs.Goff]

Yay, for making progress. I googled your colors, nice choice.