Selfish sister alert!!!

[mrsg2b]

Ok, I'm having a bit of trouble with this topic so I'm hoping someone who is NOT in my family can give an opinion & shed some light, hopefully prevent me from never talking to my sister again!
SO my sister & I started dating our current significants around the same time, only her boyfriend lives far away & mine is close so my relationship by comparison moved faster but it's been clear for 2 years that we have both found "the one". So last May (08) my boyfriend & I got engaged & have since been trying to plan a wedding. Financially speaking this has been tough from the start as we have a HUGE guest list & lots of vocal relatives who are not contributing financially...
That said, we had been aiming for a wedding in Sept 09. I considered pushing it back ages ago but when I talked to my sister about it she said I couldn't because she and her boyfriend (NOT engaged yet at the time) were planning on getting hitched in April 2010...
Fast forward ~ 8 months since that conversation, my fiance's job like MANY people's is totally squelching his opportunities to make extra money for the wedding, and his investments (which we had invested into heavily last year with the hope of reaping that growth this year for the wedding) are down the toilet with the market. So now we're realizing that as much as we would like to proceed with 2009, it would be very stressful financially for both of us, and take away from the fun of planning entirely too much. So this prompted me to ask my STILL NOT ENGAGED sister if she was still planning on spring 2010 bc if not, we would like to push back to that time.
WELL, you can only imagine the reaction. In short I was accused of postponing her entire life and being very selfish and a river of tears were involved. Her bottom line is that she just doesn't want both of us to get married in the same year. Mind you our parents are not the ones paying for either of these weddings. I just don't get it.
I think being engaged it's EXTREMELY considerate of me to even consider her plans in light of the fact that they're STILL not engaged! Who knows what will happen to them in the future & I'm supposed to plan my wedding around this??? How is that fair? What if they break up & I put myself into financial ruin so they could have a theoretical date when he hasn't even made the financial commitment of an engagement ring yet?
What makes me even more piping mad is that my family is seeing reason to this ****, trying to figure out a "diplomatic" way of resolving it!
My solution is simple: If you're not engaged, forcing me to plan around your "wedding plans" is ridiculous. Get engaged & we'll have a real discussion. Until then, it's a moot point! Your thoughts??!

[SkippyNXC]

i'd love to say i totally get it and ur right BUT i'm coming from someone who was engaged just we didn't have a ring... it wasn't that important to us and we figured a time frame out long before there was an actual ring.

now we have a ring and we're planning the wedding for spring 2010 like we said we were...

i understand however your side that you need to postpone your wedding... don't put yourselves in financial ruin over this... that would be ridiculous... i agree w/ur fam that there's probably a diplomatic solution... and your sister may just have to suck it up and get married in the same year as you...

[mrsg2b]

Thanks for your reply! I definitely have heard of couples doing what you're doing but she isn't engaged yet officially or not-- they're just close & talking about it and she's started looking at rings. If she told me they were actually engaged (just without the ring) I would definitely see it differently...
I would love to be diplomatic about it but she made it pretty clear that she doesn't want me to get married in 2010 at all!
I'd like to be practical financially AND plan my wedding without my own sister's resentment hanging over my head the entire time but she doesn't seem capable of that :(

[Thalia_themuse]

Well to be fairly brutal, I would push my wedding back one year exactly, tell her that is my date and if she gets engaged and doesn't want to be married in the same year as me she can set hers for the next year. If she gets married in April and yours is still in September but one year later, that's still the same gap after all. The only similarity is the 2010 in the date. Make this your compromise and then she can work around you when she gets engaged. I don't understand why the same year is such a big deal... I understand people being annoyed when someone gets engaged after them and sets their date for a week before their already-planned wedding... but deciding you can't have it in the same year as her? It boggles my mind.

Sorry that I'm not very diplomatic :winktongue:

[mrsg2b]

I have to admit, I'm not very diplomatic either! I like your idea about September of 2010 & it would be logical but she's "laid claim" to the spring AND fall... Truthfully the spring works better for me because of work and vacation schedules so if I have to have her give one up the spring would be ideal. If she does Sept in IMO that would still be PLENTY of time btw weddings for each of us to have our moment in the proverbial spotlight (which is a big concern for her).
I'm seconds away from setting WHATEVER date works for me and my fiance and just informing her and telling her to just DEAL because the same **** year shouldn't be a problem and even less so when she hasn't done any real planning at this point...

[Thalia_themuse]

Well, you could threaten to set it for Spring and then offer September as a compromise, thus showing yourself to be the more mature of you two? Putting the wedding back exactly one year I would see as being an excellent compromise, because if the date worked for you this year it must be ok at least for next year? The other option is telling your family that you are prepared to do that as a compromise and let them deal with your sister? Again, it shows you are offering a halfway point, and if she refuses she is just showing herself as a spoiled child.

You could be even more novel and go for a 10.10.10 wedding :winktongue:

[Kay]

I'm sorta drawing from personal experience on this one (my future SIL REQUESTED on SEVERAL occasions that we NOT get engaged while SHE was engaged cuz this was HER time ~ completely ridiculous)... having said that... I do have a couple of comments ~ some in your direction, some in your sister's direction...

For starters, if you can't afford a big wedding and you've already been engaged this long then WHY are you putting it off even longer??

Secondly, you can get married in the same year ~ it is ridiculous to think that you can't sooo.... I'm not sure why or how the two of you have had this/these conversations in the first place ~ it just doesn't make sense to me AT ALL ~ so, if you've told her "okay" and "I understand" cuz she wants her "own" year ~ then moving your wedding date would probably make your sister feel like this was an injustice to her and you would be going back on your word.

Keeping your sister's "wishes" in mind ~ maybe she'd told her future fiance that she wants her "own" year so he is waiting to make it a big deal for her??

Also, your sister probably doesn't really know WHEN she is getting married ~ pulling from prior experience, I figured my fiance would propose by and/or before Christmas and we would have a MAY wedding.. but he waited until January 23rd so now we are having a SEPTEMBER wedding... plans change and frankly, you don't know anything 'for sure' until you are engaged, IMHO

And lastly, how are you going to feel if your sister does get engaged, she does get some of your "spotlight" and she goes ahead with her wedding as she has planned and she even (possibly) gets married before you and/or steals some of your "year"??? Just something to ponder...

Frankly, for the record, I would be THRILLED if my sister was getting married when I was... heck, I'd suggest a DOUBLE WEDDING just to save money... SERIOUSLY ~ now THAT would be a wedding to remember and a HUGE cost saver... just an idea...

[WebLady]

OK, I just skimmed the thread so far, but here are my thoughts ...

I don't see how your sister can "lay claim" to any date; sounds pretty petty to me.

However, people can be engaged without a ring; DH and I got married without rings and he still doesn't wear one ;)

If you and your sister expect your parents to pay or help pay for both of your weddings then you both need to talk to them about this. I think it would be selfish and unfair of you both to expect them to have to pay and help plan two weddings too close together; so maybe having them a year apart would be best anyway.

However, I don't see why it should be a fight over who gets married first. Whomever formally annouced their engagement with plans to wed to the families first would get dibs in my book.

Good luck!

[gwenshack]

I see both sides of this. I don't think your sister owns an entire calendar year - if my sister said that to me, turned the waterworks on, and forbid me to get married for an entire year because she's planning to, and she's not even engaged yet, frankly, I'd be annoyed. I'd say there's a 4 month or so grace period that she can have, but the rest of 2010? Come on, really?
On the other hand, you two had previously talked about it so I can understand if she feels like you're going to steal her thunder.
Frankly, yeah, to me, it does seem selfish on her part, but at the same time she had previously expressed her feelings on this and probably feels like you're backtracking on something previously agreed on. So a compromise will have to be had here. You're sisters and should be able to work something out! Well, maybe because you're sisters it'll be harder...?
You know, FH and I ony officially got engaged in June, but we've been planning our wedding for a year and a half. We knew the date, the place, etc, because we knew we'd have to plan our wedding around his spring break. Everyone has known about these plans for a really long time. My MOH, and best friend, ran off to Vegas (where we're getting married) last year on virtually the same date, used very similar announcement type things to invite people to their reception after the fact, and even used the site I had picked to get favors from. I could have chosen to be very upset about all of this - could have really gotten my nose out of joint - but, honestly and truly, I'm so excited about my own situation that I can just be happy for her, whether or not her thunder stole mine. I really hope your sister can share the spotlight so you can afford the wedding you desire.

Good luck...!

[mrsg2b]

Wow some really great responses here it's SO nice to hear all the different perspectives without the drama!
Well to clear one thing up, we NEVER agreed to anything. I always made it pretty clear that 2009 would be a stretch & that I thought she was being somewhat unreasonable to "claim" 2010... Also as I mentioned the reason 2010 would work financially is because it would give us time to "re-save" the money we lost this year in the market & from bonuses not obtained.

Also, our parents will NOT be paying for our weddings. While they might make a contribution to the best of their abilities, the responsibility of money has always been and will always be btw me and FH.
She doesn't feel that a 4-month gap btw weddings is big enough & even feels that her gift contribution from our mutual guests would be negatively affected by having both events in the same year, which I think is a dumb reason for setting a date.
And to address one more comment, I offered her if she was ready to go (since she claims she "held off" for 2009 for my sake) to get married before me, and she refused. She demanded I stick to Sept 2009.
I find the fact that she needs her "own" year infinitely annoying... A bride is special but this is insane.
I'm just so annoyed with her & can't believe she's doing this. We are very close but I think that makes a touchy subject like this even harder to resolve. I can see this affecting our relationship long-term bc she is the type to hold a grudge and hold it WELL.

[mrsg2b]

One more point: The reason spring 2010 works better for me is bc of the way vacations work @ my job which will be changing by fall of 2010. By then I will only be able to get one week of vacation at a time, while in the spring I can still get two weeks at a time, allowing me time for the wedding and honeymoon....

[mrsg2b]

I'm sorta drawing from personal experience on this one (my future SIL REQUESTED on SEVERAL occasions that we NOT get engaged while SHE was engaged cuz this was HER time ~ completely ridiculous)... having said that... I do have a couple of comments ~ some in your direction, some in your sister's direction...

For starters, if you can't afford a big wedding and you've already been engaged this long then WHY are you putting it off even longer??

Secondly, you can get married in the same year ~ it is ridiculous to think that you can't sooo.... I'm not sure why or how the two of you have had this/these conversations in the first place ~ it just doesn't make sense to me AT ALL ~ so, if you've told her "okay" and "I understand" cuz she wants her "own" year ~ then moving your wedding date would probably make your sister feel like this was an injustice to her and you would be going back on your word.

Keeping your sister's "wishes" in mind ~ maybe she'd told her future fiance that she wants her "own" year so he is waiting to make it a big deal for her??

Also, your sister probably doesn't really know WHEN she is getting married ~ pulling from prior experience, I figured my fiance would propose by and/or before Christmas and we would have a MAY wedding.. but he waited until January 23rd so now we are having a SEPTEMBER wedding... plans change and frankly, you don't know anything 'for sure' until you are engaged, IMHO

And lastly, how are you going to feel if your sister does get engaged, she does get some of your "spotlight" and she goes ahead with her wedding as she has planned and she even (possibly) gets married before you and/or steals some of your "year"??? Just something to ponder...

Frankly, for the record, I would be THRILLED if my sister was getting married when I was... heck, I'd suggest a DOUBLE WEDDING just to save money... SERIOUSLY ~ now THAT would be a wedding to remember and a HUGE cost saver... just an idea...

KAY! I agree she has NO clue when she's really gonna get married until she gets engaged (ring or no ring-- they're not engaged yet!!) and starts really planning it out... That was my point and she isn't willing to consider this. PLENTY of ppl get engaged and then the date they set out for almost certainly changes somewhat. It's happening to us. SO my point was why have a huge conflict over this when you ultimate DON'T know for sure?

[Thalia_themuse]

One more point: The reason spring 2010 works better for me is bc of the way vacations work @ my job which will be changing by fall of 2010. By then I will only be able to get one week of vacation at a time, while in the spring I can still get two weeks at a time, allowing me time for the wedding and honeymoon....

Well, I'm having a 3 year engagement so my advice is to put it further back but I totally understand why most people don't want to do that.

If she has to have her own year and isn't engaged yet tell her that you will let her have 2011. That way your sister can 'ensure' that nothing she does is the same as your wedding and make sure she has her entire year by herself. You could suggest that you get married spring 2010 as your finances and job require, and that she might want to hold off her engagement until after then? With your wedding in the near distance it would probably overshadow her announcement and her engagement, so maybe she can do that later to make doubly sure everyone is focused on her...?

...I say this in a way that *might* appeal to her, but I think it's ridiculous. My personal approach would be to suit myself and let her sort herself out when she gets engaged. But I'm a b*tch... :winktongue:

[Kay]

She doesn't feel that a 4-month gap btw weddings is big enough & even feels that her gift contribution from our mutual guests would be negatively affected by having both events in the same year

If this is what she has said... you just do whatever is BEST for YOU. Period. I realize this is your SISTER so that does deserve some major consideration however, people/brides/anyone with THIS sort of attitude about life... well... they will ALWAYS want want want and have their hand out and will NEVER be happy with anyone getting something they don't get... I would be QUITE leary about what plans you share with her in the future, IMHO.

[Brian's Bride]

My personal approach would be to suit myself and let her sort herself out when she gets engaged. But I'm a b*tch... :winktongue:

Love it! And after reading the thread, I'd agree with Thalia. Let her figure it out if/when she gets engaged.

[mrsg2b]

If this is what she has said... you just do whatever is BEST for YOU. Period. I realize this is your SISTER so that does deserve some major consideration however, people/brides/anyone with THIS sort of attitude about life... well... they will ALWAYS want want want and have their hand out and will NEVER be happy with anyone getting something they don't get... I would be QUITE leary about what plans you share with her in the future, IMHO.

Kay this certainly did come up in the discussion-- that and my mother's "attention" being spread too thin... Puh-lease! I've hired a planner so aside from giving her opinion there'd be nothing for my mom to do in my wedding planning! It's all about her her her; you're absolutely right about her in that regard: While I love her to death she has a complex about always feeling like she's being shortchanged-- TYPICAL middle child syndrome. It's NEVER enough and this is an on-going pattern that needs to stop.
Thalia believe it or not she suggested that I wait til 2011! I'm the one who's engaged! And I know her BF is not proposing very soon bc he has to talk to my father first & so far there's been no word from him... Can you imagine if I booked 2011 in consideration of her and she and her boyfriend break up in the meantime? Ludicrous!
I just talked to my friend about it who agrees that we should just set a date and let everyone else with their "opinions" deal... And if they have that big a problem with it just don't come. Period.

[mrsg2b]

Love it! And after reading the thread, I'd agree with Thalia. Let her figure it out if/when she gets engaged.

"IF/when"... my point exactly. I wish her all the best & would LOVE for them to get married but give me a break here... Let's not jump the gun!

[Thalia_themuse]

Thalia believe it or not she suggested that I wait til 2011! I'm the one who's engaged! And I know her BF is not proposing very soon bc he has to talk to my father first & so far there's been no word from him... Can you imagine if I booked 2011 in consideration of her and she and her boyfriend break up in the meantime? Ludicrous!
I just talked to my friend about it who agrees that we should just set a date and let everyone else with their "opinions" deal... And if they have that big a problem with it just don't come. Period.

HUH! That's amusing...

I think your friend is right and you need to just set a date that suits you. She can't really claim a date until she's engaged, with or without a ring. Perhaps you could tell her bf "Listen I'm really sorry but we've had to put our wedding back til Spring '10, I hope that won't interfere with your plans too much"... Maybe he will be more receptive? Is it possible he would be shocked to know his girlfriend had been telling everyone supposed plans without his knowledge...? That would be even worse... :snide:

[eolson]

For starters, if you can't afford a big wedding and you've already been engaged this long then WHY are you putting it off even longer??

Am I the only one who is bothered by this comment?

[Nekochanpurr]

Maybe i'm a jerk.. But i'd just tell her to get over it, lol. In fact, i did when we picked our date. My sis didn't like that it was in August when hers was.. I told her the truth, it was the best time for us. She got over it. It wasn't the same year so, whatever, right?
I think its kind of neat now, though. :D I got married on the 16th, and she got married on the 19th.
Really.. Does your sis actually expect to hold off a whole year? Thats selfish. >.<

[Thalia_themuse]

Originally Posted by Kay http://forums.onewed.com/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://forums.onewed.com/showthread.php?p=374348#post374348)
For starters, if you can't afford a big wedding and you've already been engaged this long then WHY are you putting it off even longer??

Am I the only one who is bothered by this comment?

I'm afraid I don't quite understand this comment... Kay, what do you mean by this? That if she can't afford a wedding she shouldn't have one? I'm afraid I don't follow... one of the reasons I have a longer engagement is so that we don't have to fork out all the money at once... thus pushing the wedding back makes sense.

I think I missed your meaning here?

NB: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I am genuinely confused :bbredface:

[ChristineLS]

I'm afraid I don't quite understand this comment... Kay, what do you mean by this? That if she can't afford a wedding she shouldn't have one? I'm afraid I don't follow... one of the reasons I have a longer engagement is so that we don't have to fork out all the money at once... thus pushing the wedding back makes sense.

I think I missed your meaning here?

NB: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I am genuinely confused :bbredface:

Same here, the rest of the post made sense to me, and I agreed with it, except that one line.

[Jacobs_Girl]

I would just move my wedding date on her wedding date. Same day same year different time.

LMAO see how she feels about that

totally ridiculious you guys are even fighting over this.

[candars]

I would do what you want! My sister and I were in a similar situation. Both of us had been with our bfs for a while and had talked about marriage. We had originally scheduled my wedding for June 2007 and hers for July 2007. Neither of us cared if our weddings were close. DH and I had decided to postpone ours and when we did, my sisters moved hers to June. The only thing we didn't want, was the same wedding day, other than that, we were fine! She got married June 2007 and I ended up getting married July 2008. It all worked out for us, but in your case, just do what YOU want.

[BarceloMayaPalaceBride]

Ummm....Are you sure this thread isn't about MY sister??? I'm sure you and I have a lot in common just by reading your thread. I don't want to hijack your thread with my LONG story so PM me if you need to vent. My best advice is to just plan your wedding around what is comfortable with you and your FI's budget, and don't hold your breath for your sis. This is your big day and that's all that matters. When she get's engaged then she can do what she wants. Like I said PM me if you need to chate:)

[RosieAngel]

I'm usually a little sad that I never had a brother or a sister, but this thread? Makes me happy to be a lonely only.

Obviously, I'm no help here, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're going through this and I care. :flower:

[eolson]

I'm afraid I don't quite understand this comment... Kay, what do you mean by this? That if she can't afford a wedding she shouldn't have one? I'm afraid I don't follow... one of the reasons I have a longer engagement is so that we don't have to fork out all the money at once... thus pushing the wedding back makes sense.

I think I missed your meaning here?

NB: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I am genuinely confused :bbredface:


Yeah, the way I kind of took it was that if you can't afford a wedding, and are having a long engagement in order to afford the wedding, then what's really the point in waiting.

I also agreed with everything else she said, but that one thing just kind of offended me.

[SkippyNXC]

i will say in response to Kay, many ppl would say similar things to me... but we waited b/c it was what was right for us...

i never quite understood ppls logic tho... maybe along the lines of piss or get off the pot? not sure but do it when YOUR ready and on YOUR terms not ur fams... remember the day is about YOU and your FH ;)

[ChibiAiChan]

Maybe i'm a jerk.. But i'd just tell her to get over it, lol. In fact, i did when we picked our date. My sis didn't like that it was in August when hers was.. I told her the truth, it was the best time for us. She got over it. It wasn't the same year so, whatever, right?
I think its kind of neat now, though. :D I got married on the 16th, and she got married on the 19th.
Really.. Does your sis actually expect to hold off a whole year? Thats selfish. >.<

i wanted you to get married in may because i thought it would be adorable =/ kick steve

[RosieAngel]

Not to hijack this thread, but weddings are different for everyone. For a lot of women, having their big sparkly princess day is the most important thing, and they will save for years, or even not save for years and take out huge loans to have this. Everyone in my mother's New York Italian family except me has done this, and I loved going to their weddings, though I wouldn't want to be the one footing the bill! :bbeek:

For other women, including myself, we just want to get married. In a lot of our cases, there is a cultural stigma against long engagements that I personally think is unfair, but it still affects our wedding traditions. To us, the wedding is just a nice party to have if it can be afforded within that short engagement period. I could have gone down to the JOP in a cheap white cocktail dress with a bouquet from a street vendor the week after we got engaged and felt just as married and in love as I did having my island casual destination wedding, which was performed with the funds we had available. My family criticized me for having a wedding like this, and even one of my flower girls said she wanted a fancier wedding than mine, but they could go suck lemons for all I cared. I was a happy bride.

I'm sure there are many more schools of thought about weddings, and I'm posting about extremes here! But nobody's traditions are better or worse than anyone else's.

[Thalia_themuse]

Not to hijack this thread, but weddings are different for everyone. For a lot of women, having their big sparkly princess day is the most important thing, and they will save for years, or even not save for years and take out huge loans to have this. Everyone in my mother's New York Italian family except me has done this, and I loved going to their weddings, though I wouldn't want to be the one footing the bill! :bbeek:

For other women, including myself, we just want to get married. In a lot of our cases, there is a cultural stigma against long engagements that I personally think is unfair, but it still affects our wedding traditions. To us, the wedding is just a nice party to have if it can be afforded within that short engagement period. I could have gone down to the JOP in a cheap white cocktail dress with a bouquet from a street vendor the week after we got engaged and felt just as married and in love as I did having my island casual destination wedding, which was performed with the funds we had available. My family criticized me for having a wedding like this, and even one of my flower girls said she wanted a fancier wedding than mine, but they could go suck lemons for all I cared. I was a happy bride.

I'm sure there are many more schools of thought about weddings, and I'm posting about extremes here! But nobody's traditions are better or worse than anyone else's.

For me it definitely isn't about having a big princess day, and while I understand the desire to be married quickly I just couldn't organise any type of wedding in a shorter timeframe. Both sides of our families disagree with what we're doing, my side with having a wedding at all and FH's side for doing a tiny backyard lunch without alcohol. If it all gets too much we are just going to a JoP.

The questioning here was because what came across from Kay was "if you've been engaged for this long you have to get married now or don't bother", and while I understand many women's desires to be married sooner rather than later, it is a bit unfair to the rest of us trying to be financially repsonsible (because of our individual circumstances) to tell us that we have to get married now or never... I'm not convinced this is what Kay actually meant, thus why I was trying to clarify with her. Hopefully she can clear up this misunderstanding :)

[RosieAngel]

For me it definitely isn't about having a big princess day, and while I understand the desire to be married quickly I just couldn't organise any type of wedding in a shorter timeframe. Both sides of our families disagree with what we're doing, my side with having a wedding at all and FH's side for doing a tiny backyard lunch without alcohol. If it all gets too much we are just going to a JoP.

The questioning here was because what came across from Kay was "if you've been engaged for this long you have to get married now or don't bother", and while I understand many women's desires to be married sooner rather than later, it is a bit unfair to the rest of us trying to be financially repsonsible (because of our individual circumstances) to tell us that we have to get married now or never... I'm not convinced this is what Kay actually meant, thus why I was trying to clarify with her. Hopefully she can clear up this misunderstanding :)

I can understand that, now that you've explained! :D Sorry if it sounded like I thought anyone was going to attack. We're all friends here!

[ChristineLS]

The questioning here was because what came across from Kay was "if you've been engaged for this long you have to get married now or don't bother", and while I understand many women's desires to be married sooner rather than later, it is a bit unfair to the rest of us trying to be financially repsonsible (because of our individual circumstances) to tell us that we have to get married now or never... I'm not convinced this is what Kay actually meant, thus why I was trying to clarify with her. Hopefully she can clear up this misunderstanding :)

Exactly - I think it was a clarity issue more than anything else.

[Kay]

what came across from Kay was "if you've been engaged for this long you have to get married now or don't bother"

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I meant AT ALL and HOW anyone would derive that from my comment is preposterous to me?!! No. No. No.

I will explain further with my NEXT post here in a sec...

[Thalia_themuse]

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I meant AT ALL and HOW anyone would derive that from my comment is preposterous to me?!! No. No. No.

I will explain further with my NEXT post here in a sec...

As I also said, "I'm not convinced this is what Kay actually meant, thus why I was trying to clarify with her. Hopefully she can clear up this misunderstanding :)"

So clarification is all we wanted ^_^

[ChristineLS]

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT what I meant AT ALL and HOW anyone would derive that from my comment is preposterous to me?!! No. No. No.

I will explain further with my NEXT post here in a sec...

It's the internet, and miscommunication is common on it, especially without the context of voice inflections or the interruptions of, "Wait, what do you mean?" that occur in everyday speech. :)

[mrsg2b]

Am I the only one who is bothered by this comment?

No you're definitely NOT the only one who was bothered by this comment... I just didn't address it because I'm not about to bother with conflict with someone I don't even know when I have enough drama with people I have to see every day lol!
I think that the opinion she was expressing was, "If you can't afford a big wedding now what's the point of putting it off?" As if to imply that what I can't afford now I won't be able to afford later. Which is a notion I disagree with completely. It's called saving.
To some people they're able to say they can do without the big white dress. I've done a lot of soul searching and come to the conclusion that I don't want to do without it. Call me superficial. At least I'm making the responsible decision to not go into financial ruin to make it happen sooner than later.
And as for whether or not I solicited an honest opinion-- I did-- but I was asking about my sister's behavior and asking for an outsider's opinion about whether or not I was justified to be upset by her behavior (and also what to do about it!)... Wasn't really asking about if I should have a big wedding or not...
THAT said, if that's not what you meant I'd be very glad to hear a clarification of otherwise!

[mrsg2b]

Here's an update:
She told my other sister (of course instead of me bc she's "not talking" to me right now since she's too upset) that this weekend she and her boyfriend will discuss a date & pick one...
Frankly I don't care what she picks at this point & have resolved that I will get married when it works for ME! And at this point it looks like spring 2010 works perfectly.
It's astounding to me how many people seem to have dealt with something similar in their wedding planning process. It's crazy how quickly family and friends can forget who the wedding is really about! Definitely makes me envious of only children.
The other thought I kept having last night was that if this continues to be a thorn in my side, my FH and I will just hop a plane with our two best friends to somewhere exotic like Fiji & get married/honeymoon. Even if we pay for our friends to come it will be FAR less stress & a ton less money lol... Just a fantasy at this point though...

[mrsg2b]

I should also add to my post that text messaging and the inability to use inflection enough to properly express myself has gotten me in trouble so much in my past that I've learned never to have a text argument ever lol!

[Thalia_themuse]

Here's an update:
She told my other sister (of course instead of me bc she's "not talking" to me right now since she's too upset) that this weekend she and her boyfriend will discuss a date & pick one...
Frankly I don't care what she picks at this point & have resolved that I will get married when it works for ME! And at this point it looks like spring 2010 works perfectly.
It's astounding to me how many people seem to have dealt with something similar in their wedding planning process. It's crazy how quickly family and friends can forget who the wedding is really about! Definitely makes me envious of only children.
The other thought I kept having last night was that if this continues to be a thorn in my side, my FH and I will just hop a plane with our two best friends to somewhere exotic like Fiji & get married/honeymoon. Even if we pay for our friends to come it will be FAR less stress & a ton less money lol... Just a fantasy at this point though...

Yeah I think it is definintely a good idea to have a back up plan, we have one too! :D

If they are discussing it and picking a date, does that mean they are actually getting engaged...? To avert some of the coming stress at least, you might want to be vocal to your family about when you're moving it to before the weekend... it won't stop what's coming but it might have people more on your side than they would be otherwise. When in spring are you thinking? I think March/April/May are your spring months?

[ChristineLS]

I should also add to my post that text messaging and the inability to use inflection enough to properly express myself has gotten me in trouble so much in my past that I've learned never to have a text argument ever lol!

For real! That's what I use smilies excessively.

RE: other post... I think you're right to plan your wedding independently of hers. It seems that your sister took your attempt to be considerate as her right to have you defer... which isn't correct to me. Good luck though, I sense that the family drama may not be completely over for you... :whyme:

[mrsg2b]

Believe it or not, nope they're still NOT getting engaged to anyone's knowledge (again we're going by the fact that he hasn't asked my father for her hand which is a MUST in my family) this weekend... Guess they're just going to have a hypothetical discussion? I don't get the logic in any of this it's all really childish to me. She should IMHO just wait til she gets engaged to worry about any of this, but what do I know. Maybe it makes her feel special.
I told my oldest sister all about it days ago & she even went running to her yesterday to complain about me lol.... My oldest sister has inevitably shared this "news" w my Mom so I have no doubt everyone is "in the know" about what's going on. As far as people being on my "side" I'm pretty sure everyone will try to remain very neutral so as not to fan the flames of conflict... Which only makes me angrier bc it seems so obvious to me that she's wrong lol! Truthfully we're all adults and as much as approval is nice I'm doing what works for us, no doubt.
I agree & plan to tell my Mom at least. My hope is for April or May... I think March will still be pretty cold &/or slushy with the snow and all...

[mrsg2b]

For real! That's what I use smilies excessively.

RE: other post... I think you're right to plan your wedding independently of hers. It seems that your sister took your attempt to be considerate as her right to have you defer... which isn't correct to me. Good luck though, I sense that the family drama may not be completely over for you... :whyme:

Exactly!!! She took my being considerate as her right to start calling the shots and laying claim to the entire year! Unfortunately I know for a fact that the family drama is far from over... :icon_barbar:

[WebLady]

It is so crazy to me that family drama starts over things like this. You both should be happy for each other and just plan your weddings when works best for you both. As long as it is not in the same week, or maybe the same month ... especially if the parents aren't paying ... then I wouldn't think your family should have any say at all as to when you plan to wed.

Good luck with everything :flower:

[Thalia_themuse]

Believe it or not, nope they're still NOT getting engaged to anyone's knowledge (again we're going by the fact that he hasn't asked my father for her hand which is a MUST in my family) this weekend... Guess they're just going to have a hypothetical discussion? I don't get the logic in any of this it's all really childish to me. She should IMHO just wait til she gets engaged to worry about any of this, but what do I know. Maybe it makes her feel special.
I told my oldest sister all about it days ago & she even went running to her yesterday to complain about me lol.... My oldest sister has inevitably shared this "news" w my Mom so I have no doubt everyone is "in the know" about what's going on. As far as people being on my "side" I'm pretty sure everyone will try to remain very neutral so as not to fan the flames of conflict... Which only makes me angrier bc it seems so obvious to me that she's wrong lol! Truthfully we're all adults and as much as approval is nice I'm doing what works for us, no doubt.
I agree & plan to tell my Mom at least. My hope is for April or May... I think March will still be pretty cold &/or slushy with the snow and all...

I'm from the southern hemisphere so I don't get your seasons sorry, but April or May I'm sure would be nice!

Well, as I and many other ladies on here have done/are doing, planning certain aspects of a wedding before a formal engagement is generally fun and harmless. Several of us on here have said how helpful it was in the long run, and I think it's extra helpful when someone is having a short engagement. However, I don't think someone that is pre-engaged can be telling someone already engaged to move their wedding for them. And I think it's ridiculous for anyone - engaged or not - to block off an entire year for her to feel special. Ludicrous!

But I think most advice is unanimous here: sort yourself out and she can do the same. you're having 2 separate weddings so you can plan them separately. If she needs a year to feel special she can move hers back a year. But with all the drama and with other people's horror stories, I would suggest that you be tight-lipped about your planning details with your family or you may end up with a 'copy-cat' wedding before yours... just something to watch out for!

[mrsg2b]

It is so crazy to me that family drama starts over things like this. You both should be happy for each other and just plan your weddings when works best for you both. As long as it is not in the same week, or maybe the same month ... especially if the parents aren't paying ... then I wouldn't think your family should have any say at all as to when you plan to wed.

Good luck with everything :flower:

My sentiments exactly... We would definitely not be placing any financial strain on anyone by having them close together. It hurts that my own sister can't look beyond herself for a few seconds long enough to realize she should be happy for me and that there's enough 2010 to go around for the both of us! It makes me angry that she doesn't seem to care that in this process my 2009 wedding "dreams" are getting crushed for financial reasons. It doesn't matter to her how it makes me feel to have NO CHOICE but to put it off... I'm sad & wish I could do 2009 :(

[wannabeNurse2]

Wow, your sister is really immature! I say get married whenever you can afford to! But I'm biased. My sister is getting married in May. I'm getting married in August. We are each other's MOHs. It's been awesome planning the weddings together!

[mrsg2b]

I'm from the southern hemisphere so I don't get your seasons sorry, but April or May I'm sure would be nice!

Well, as I and many other ladies on here have done/are doing, planning certain aspects of a wedding before a formal engagement is generally fun and harmless. Several of us on here have said how helpful it was in the long run, and I think it's extra helpful when someone is having a short engagement. However, I don't think someone that is pre-engaged can be telling someone already engaged to move their wedding for them. And I think it's ridiculous for anyone - engaged or not - to block off an entire year for her to feel special. Ludicrous!

But I think most advice is unanimous here: sort yourself out and she can do the same. you're having 2 separate weddings so you can plan them separately. If she needs a year to feel special she can move hers back a year. But with all the drama and with other people's horror stories, I would suggest that you be tight-lipped about your planning details with your family or you may end up with a 'copy-cat' wedding before yours... just something to watch out for!

I understand what you mean about "pre-engagement" plans... And I'm definitely not criticizing anyone for so doing. My FH and I did the same, talking about certain aspects of our future together and I agree that it was totally harmless. That said, as you pointed out, I would have never used those discussions pre-engagement as a basis for someone else to plan their nuptials around!
You make an interesting point about her sneaking in a wedding before mine... I actually thought about that briefly lol... Funny enough it wouldn't bother me at all if that's what she needs to do to feel vindicated. It wouldn't ruin my wedding at all the way I see it. No matter what my wedding is going to be fantastic to me bc I'm marrying the man of my dreams :)!
Guess that's the difference btw me and her...

[mrsg2b]

Wow, your sister is really immature! I say get married whenever you can afford to! But I'm biased. My sister is getting married in May. I'm getting married in August. We are each other's MOHs. It's been awesome planning the weddings together!

That's what I would have liked to do! Seems ideal to me-- we could avoid pitfalls and find deals together. We actually are close which is what makes her behavior all the more irritating. She and my older sister would have been my double MOH's but at this rate I'm not 100% sure... I'm so shocked & baffled by her...

[Thalia_themuse]

That's what I would have liked to do! Seems ideal to me-- we could avoid pitfalls and find deals together. We actually are close which is what makes her behavior all the more irritating. She and my older sister would have been my double MOH's but at this rate I'm not 100% sure... I'm so shocked & baffled by her...

A friend's sister and mother are both having weddings within a week of each other and having the same colour scheme and using the same decorations! I would much rather that sort of arrangement. At least you have the right attitude about marriage, and in the end I think you will be happier just marrying your FH than she will be with her wedding year :bbrolleyes:

[mrsg2b]

I understand what you mean about "pre-engagement" plans... And I'm definitely not criticizing anyone for so doing. My FH and I did the same, talking about certain aspects of our future together and I agree that it was totally harmless. That said, as you pointed out, I would have never used those discussions pre-engagement as a basis for someone else to plan their nuptials around!
You make an interesting point about her sneaking in a wedding before mine... I actually thought about that briefly lol... Funny enough it wouldn't bother me at all if that's what she needs to do to feel vindicated. It wouldn't ruin my wedding at all the way I see it. No matter what my wedding is going to be fantastic to me bc I'm marrying the man of my dreams :)!
Guess that's the difference btw me and her...

Thanks Thalia... While I DO want the traditional wedding & big white dress I am far from losing sight of what matters most :) A lot of people assume you can't have a big wedding & maintain perspective. Clearly we're both evidence to the contrary!

[Kay]

I am sorry I have not had a chance to respond to any of my earlier comments on this thread!! I am writing this post without having ready anything anyone has wrote (which is about 2 pages apparently) ~ I was LITERALLY in the middle of trying to explain myself and apologize to anyone whom I may have hurt feelings and in the middle of my writing, my future mother-in-law came in the room with some very, very bad and upsetting news and the entire family is very upset and it is 12:45am here now and I don't have time to explain HOWEVER..

I simply meant to be honest and say that if you drag out a wedding, it gets more and more and more expensive (in my OPINION only) and if someone else mentioned something about long engagements being bad stigmas and in my smallllllll town they are ~ I am getting HUGE grief from locals cuz I am trying to rent chairs, rent a park, reserve cakes, and etc for a wedding ~ in SEPTEMBER ~ which is ONLY 7 months ~ but apparently seems like 7 years to the people around here and it is about to seem like that to me.

I would write much, much more but tonight as been VERY stressful as we are VERY worried about my future brother-in-law and I can't say much more besides I ABSOLUTELY meant to be honest but NOT to hurt her feelings in any way. I'm not sure what anyone thought I meant that was offending??? Sorry if I offended anyone at all. Typing/Internet communication is for the birds at times.

[Thalia_themuse]

I ABSOLUTELY meant to be honest but NOT to hurt her feelings in any way. I'm not sure what anyone thought I meant that was offending??? Sorry if I offended anyone at all. Typing/Internet communication is for the birds at times.

I'm sorry that you've had a horrible evening and I hope everyone is ok...

As said, internet communication is very easy to misunderstand without expression and interjection.

Ok, to clarify why we were confused, your original post said:

Originally Posted by Kay
For starters, if you can't afford a big wedding and you've already been engaged this long then WHY are you putting it off even longer?? Putting it off longer means the couple can save more money, and if none of the planning details are changed I don’t understand how putting it off makes it more expensive…?
In the situation of the OP, pushing the wedding back further seems to make the most financial sense.

My original comment was:
I'm afraid I don't quite understand this comment... Kay, what do you mean by this? That if she can't afford a wedding she shouldn't have one? I'm afraid I don't follow... one of the reasons I have a longer engagement is so that we don't have to fork out all the money at once... thus pushing the wedding back makes sense. I think I missed your meaning here?

NB: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I am genuinely confused :bbredface:

So no one was as angry as you seem to think..?

Either way we all figured it was a miscommunication. Several of the other ladies that commented and myself are all having long/longer engagements so we can happily tell you it isn’t as bad as some people make out :)

[MayBride599]

I agree that you should have your wedding whenever you want. I had to push off my wedding 6 months for financial reasons it has helped so much. If it doesnt bug you to have the weddings be in the same year that plan it for 2010. If it bugs your sister, then she can change her date. I agree its ridiculous for her to say you cant have yours in the whole year of 2010.

As for your sister not being engaged yet: I was the same way as her. I started planning my wedding long ago when Chris and I first started talking about marriage. I had a date picked out and everything. Well Chris decided he wasnt as ready as he thought he was (hurt me very much but thats in the past). He actually didnt propose until after the date I had originally picked out. My whole point is... your sister and her boyfriend might know that they will one day get married. But they might not know the exact date. So I dont think you should feel bad or plan your wedding around theirs. Im a perfect example of how things can end up.

[Kay]

I'm back. Again. I read every post. For starters, I am sorry for my hasty words. I was thinking about MYSELF because we were going to have a May wedding.. and it would have only cost XX dollars... but now we are having a September wedding (cuz he waited until 1/23 to propose) ... and it is costing many more X dollars than before... so, for me, the longer it gets dragged out, the more it is costing.. I went to a bridal fair and found a five-piece string quarter/ensemble for $500 that I now think I HAVE TO have ~ and I soooo cannot afford that... but, I have until September... so, I may be able to squeeze it in... if my wedding was in May, I would pout it away and realize the bucks aren't there. Unfortunately, my words sounded incredibly rude and I did not mean them to so I do apologize to all of you that have long engagements ~ and obviously, a long engagement is a relative term in that for some long means 2 years and for others long means 7 months.

So, everytime I see someone write on here I feel horrible and like I hijacked this post. I do soooo apologize. I did NOT mean to step on ANY toes AT ALL. I am very sorry and I really mean that. I hope I am forgiven.

And, I feel just horrible now so I won't say anything ugly about your sister ~ just that I think EVERYONE should get married when they want. Period. It is YOUR wedding.

[gwenshack]

I'm back. Again. I read every post. For starters, I am sorry for my hasty words. I was thinking about MYSELF because we were going to have a May wedding.. and it would have only cost XX dollars... but now we are having a September wedding (cuz he waited until 1/23 to propose) ... and it is costing many more X dollars than before... so, for me, the longer it gets dragged out, the more it is costing.. I went to a bridal fair and found a five-piece string quarter/ensemble for $500 that I now think I HAVE TO have ~ and I soooo cannot afford that... but, I have until September... so, I may be able to squeeze it in... if my wedding was in May, I would pout it away and realize the bucks aren't there. Unfortunately, my words sounded incredibly rude and I did not mean them to so I do apologize to all of you that have long engagements ~ and obviously, a long engagement is a relative term in that for some long means 2 years and for others long means 7 months.

So, everytime I see someone write on here I feel horrible and like I hijacked this post. I do soooo apologize. I did NOT mean to step on ANY toes AT ALL. I am very sorry and I really mean that. I hope I am forgiven.

And, I feel just horrible now so I won't say anything ugly about your sister ~ just that I think EVERYONE should get married when they want. Period. It is YOUR wedding.

We :heart: Kay...

[ChibiAiChan]

not to be a hijacker of a post......
.........but about cost.......
my wedding: http://s28.photobucket.com/albums/c204/ChibiAiChan/Dani%20Sean%20Wedding/ceremony/

my cost: about $2000

I had a $99 davids bridal dress
2 costco cakes for my wedding cake
and no photographer or dj

it's what worked for us but if I can help people save, I will! =)

[Thalia_themuse]

Kay - thanks for taking the time to clear everything up for us. I didn't think you had meant any offense which is why I asked for some clarification. I have no issue with you, but I'm glad you cleared everything up. I hope everyone is ok there :hug:

Chibi - your wedding looked beautiful, as did you! Can I just say, your hair looked amazing! Plus Neko looked lovely in blue, too!