Stressed

[ikkin510]

As some of you may remember from a post a while ago, a big wedding isn't what I wanted. I wanted a destination wedding, just myself and my Fh, our parents and our closest friends. But both of our parents were very clear that they wanted a wedding and since my parents are paying for everything, we went with it. FH always wanted a church wedding too, so we figured we would go for something small. Well, I've about had it. I'm tired of planning something I don't really want! I'm tired of fighting with people because they don't like things, or what things done a different way. Every time I say something to my mother she just ignores me and keeps pushing the same issues that I don't want to talk about, or agree with. She says if I hate this so much she will plan it. I though the wedding was suppose to be what the bride and groom wanted! I guess not. There isn't much that is what we want. I talked to Steve about this this weekend. He is just as stressed as I am. He no longer wants this whole thing and would also like to just do the destination thing. But we have invested so much time and money into the church wedding, that it feels like it's too late to change what we want. So now I just feel like we are planning for something we don't want and we can't even put our hearts into the planning. We want to get married, but would have liked to have done it OUR way. I tried to talk to calmly talk to my mom about this. Explain how it was upsetting me and how I wish we could have done it our way. Well she wouldn't hear it. She kept changing the subject to wedding stuff that I don't want to hear about! Then when I would try to change the topic back she flipped out. Told me I am acting selfish and that I need to "get over it and come back to reality".
Sorry this is so long, but I had to vent. I guess my question is, are we being selfish because we would have rather done this another way? I thought a wedding was something we had a right to be "selfish" about. We both feel like we are doing this for everyone but ourselves. Is there anyway that we can cheer ourselves up to being happier with the church wedding we have already invested so much into? I feel like the whole thing has been half-hearted in the planning since it wasn't want we originaly wanted. In turn, we are not loving a lot of what we have and are going with. Anyone have any words of wisdom? Thanks Girls.

[Kacie_bride]

I am going to give two points of view to you. First of all, I am in the same situation where my parents are paying for everything. I am under the impression that since they are funding the whole thing the ultimate say is their's. My mom pretty much lets me decide most things I want, but in the end she can always put her foot down or I can foot the bill myself.

However, I understand how frustrated it may be to have nothing go your way. Perhaps you should let things cool off and then approach your mother again. I had a cousin a few years back who was in your situation and her and her now husband left the state and got married without her family there. That would be a very hard decision, but it was the only way she could get what she wanted. I don't really suggest that. My first suggestion would be to calm down and then talk with your mother.

[LaceyinPgh]

Welcome to the big wedding club. The bad thing is that you parents are footing the bill and you are letting them use that as power. You need to sit your mom down and explain to her that this is your wedding and you want it your way. If she doesn't like that, then she needs to take her money back and you and Steve will use the money that you have to plan the wedding that you want. Steve can easily still have a church wedding as part of a destination deal. You either keep letting mom have her way and make you miserable or put that foot down.

My advice to all brides, if people want to offer you money specify that no strings will be attached. If the strings are there, than don't accept it and work with what you can come up with. Also, don't talk about your wedding with ANYONE whose opinion you don't want. Remember, talking about flowers invites comments on everything else too.

[AngelinLove]

I think that this is your wedding. This is your day...the day that you are supposed to remember for all time and share with you kids and grandkids, etc. I understand how hard it can be to put your foot down and get what you want, since you are not financing this whole thing, but I personally would just tell your parents how it is. I mean just tell your mom that there are certain things that you will not settle on...and those that you will. Explain to her that this is your wedding, not hers, and that she already got to have a wedding. Tell her that you love her, appreciate all that she has done and love that she is interested and has opinions, but that in the end you are the bride. If she still refuses to allow you to make choices and decisions, then I would tell her that she has two options...either let you have your wedding, not hers, or accept the fact that you and FH will take whatever you can afford and go away and have the private wedding that you wnated in the first place. Sorry if this seems rude or anything...it's just my opinion...take it for what you feel it is worth. I wish you luck and hope that it all works out for you!!!

[WhiskeyGirl]

I agree Angel! Nikki your mom has already had her wedding, she should now let you have yours. My FIL footed the bill for our wedding, he would tell us what to do and we'd do our own thing. The nice thing was that he always wrote the cheques. Well actually we got lucky, MIL wrote the cheques, FIL just griped. But when it came down to it, FIL was happy with what we had planned! The thing here is Nikki, if your mom won't listen to you then you have to put your foot down. Tell her if she doesn't like the way you want to do things then you are going to go and get married and not HAVE any of them! This is the time you really need to put your foot down, you don't need extra stress, if you want a small wedding, you have a small wedding. I'm sorry your mother is putting you through this but remember that this is yours and Steve's wedding and no one elses. Together the two of you will have to make the decision of what is most important, going along with what everyone else wants or striking out on your own and telling others how its going to be. Together no one should go against you. If your mom won't listen to just you, maybe she will listen better when there are two voices telling her to stuff her big fancy wedding some place!! Good luck Honey, don't let your mom get away with it. Your supposed to do this to make the TWO of YOU happy and no one else! If others end up being happy that's just a bonus!! :)

[Jenn060306]

Hey Nikki,
I had felt the same way at times when planning my wedding. My parents were footing 90% of the bill and i got alot of comments at times about there being no possible way we could do it that way. I.e. We had to have a sit down dinner because there is no way my grandmother or i would be going to get our own food. Or we were told it would be rude to ask our guests to pay for their drinks. It was absolutely infurriating at times. I felt like nobody really cared to hear what i had to say about what happened at MY wedding.

I had to talk to my mom on a couple of occassions about what Mark and i REALLY wanted. I told her a couple of times that i felt like i had no control over what was happening any more. Definatly i have to agree with the other girls in suggesting you talk to you're mother, try to remain calm and hear out her reasoning. She may be more likely to hear you out.
You may have to talk with her again later but try. And when she changes the subject bring it back to what you want to be talking about. And simply say that you are allowed to be selfish when she tries telling you that that's how you are being.
You will remember your wedding day for the rest of your life. Make sure it really is what YOU want. It makes all the difference.

Best of Wishes talking to your mom. Let us know how things go.

[ikkin510]

Thanks for all the feedback ladies. Steve and I are going to sit down again today and figure out what we can and want to change and what will be left the same. My parents are leaving for Canada tomorrow, so that will give my mom some time to "cool down" and me some time to think about how to approach her on the subject without another war breaking out. I am happy that my parents are willing to give us the money to do this, but like you ladies said, I'm getting to the point that if that money is going to cause so much stress, then I'm going to to tell her where she can put it! (in a nice way of course....lol) I was also thinking last night that maybe while Steve and I are on our honeymoon, we will have our own wedding. Just the two of us and an officiant on the "beach" at out hotel. It will be a lot less formal and this way, we are still getting what we want. I will have to bring that up to Steve and see what he thinks. Thanks again for reminding us to do what we want and letting me know that I'm allowed to be selfish!

[MOB Karen]

I agree that you should get exactly what you want for your wedding, Nikki! Even though I'm paying for most of Amber's wedding, she calls the shots and gets to have it her way. I wouldn't want it any other way. Good luck with having the wedding of YOUR dreams!

[CindySue]

I feel for you Nikki, I really do. Brian wanted me to plan a wedding, and like you, I wanted a destination wedding. He told me no. I was never one of those girls that plans her dream wedding when shes still in elementary school. (No offense anybody!) I never cared about stuff like that. I had a major meltdown the night before and told Brian that he was making me do something I didnt want to do, he was trying to turn me into something I wasnt. (Ok, I wasnt fighting fair, but I seriously think I had a nervous breakdown that night!) He of course got upset, but he said that I should have told him. Not the "I really dont want to do this" telling him I had done, but really sit him down and explain this to him. :bbeek: Well, it was a little late for that.
What Im saying is that, the girls are right. You need to explain things to your mom. Have a plan with Steve so that if she says shes pulling the plug on the funds (or you tell her to stick it! :) ), you have something else ready. Having a back up plan will help you be able to stand your ground better.
Good Luck girl!!!

[shawnsgirl]

Well, since I may be a little late here I read through all the replies. I agree 100% with all these lovely ladies! Talking it out is your best option!

I hope everything gets better soon for you take care!