not what i bargained for

[hummingbird521]

maybe the title is not a good one. where do i begin. right now i would like to kick something or someone and go outside and scream till i am hoarse and can't talk anymore. as everyone knows we have been married for two whole weeks now and have lived together for over two months, dated for almost a year. :censored: :censored: that didn't make me feel any better. i am angry over the fact that while i love my husbands kids it seems that we have them more than mommy does. what i am upset about now is that last weekend was her weekend and we had them two of those nights. so since my teenage daughter is gone this weekend i asked for us not to have them for at least one night of it. planned on tonight. NO how stupid was I here. our weekend and we have them. no switching out, nothing. i asked this week could we and was told yes. but then the ex called and here the kids are. while not really planning anything (money tight) we were planning a quiet night at home by ourselves. we hardly have time without one of us having the kids here. i dont' care if we dont do a :censored: thing. and my husband absolutely does not want to argue. he says it is a waste of time. he does not get verbal, nor loud, nor express anything sometimes. i want to hit him right now for not letting me yell at him. i feel guilty if i do since he won't reciprocate. i tried explaining to him that for me it is like a date night. that i plan and anticipated it all day and then he tells the kids "don't cry of course you can come over here". they knew they were staying at moms. but did he tell mom, no :censored: way. when we dated we had every other weekend kid free. i know it was going to change. i can deal with that. but when it is our weekend to be kid free then stick to it. or say no when it is suposed to be the opposite. i love those kids, but we need some time. he says we have time. i have time with the postman, my dad and everyone. but not quality time. we have on average one night a week without kids. big deal, i drive two hours to work each day and work all day. i'm tired by then. i look forward to these weekend nights. no stress and not tired. anticipation here again. we discussed before moving in and getting married that we would make sure we got those weekends. i believe we might have had one since we moved in together. big deal. am i selfish???? i don't want to end up one of those couples whose kids come in between us. but jeez, give me a break here. he didn't have the kids this much before i moved in. why now??????????

[AllyM1]

Treasia, I feel for you hun, I really do. I don't have any children nor will I have step-children, so I really can't fathom what you are going through. The only thing that I would recommend would be to sit down and talk to him and tell him that when it is your weekend, it's your weekend the kids come. When it is mom's weekend, it's mom's weekend. Period. Let him know that there are times when there won't be any kids there and you would like that time for him and yourself-free of kids.

The only thing you can do is just STRESS that to him. Put your foot down. And I do not feel that you are being selfish.

This may not be the best advice, but it's what I would do in the situation.

[Jenn060306]

Wow, thyats sounds like its really tough for you. I'm sorry. Definatly you need to talk to him about having some more quiet time for the two of you. I completely understand not feeling like the middle of the week is good for quality time. Mark works 12 hour shifts and has 3 hours round trip commute to work. So weekends are our only time.
Perhaps when it's your weekends to have the kids make plans for them to go away on a sleep over for the night. It will give you two a little more quiet time in the evening then there is all day to have fun the next day.
Let him know how much you value this quiet time just for the two of you. Hopefully he will understand!

[WebLady]

Well we don't have kids, but I can definitely feel how stressing this can be to you. Like the other ladies said, just talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel. Tell him it is not just his kids, it is yours too. You need to have time alone together and the every other weekend thing is a great way to do it if you use it.

I can see switching out in an emergency or with a holiday or something but not just because.

Good luck, I hope you guys can work it out.

*hehe, when I want alone time, I just lock my 'kids' in their crates :bblol: My kids are dogs ;)

[CindySue]

Im not sure I can be of much help, because Im in your husbands shoes. Brian has 1 daughter that lives in Virginia and he gets to see twice a year if hes lucky. When she lived closer he got her every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend, plus any other time his ex would let him. I honor him and have much respect for him for loving his child so much, my children arent that lucky. I have 4 and NEVER seem to get a break. I never have a weekend off. I may be minus a couple of kids, but VERY seldom do Brian and I have an entire weekend to ourselves. Does that stress Brian out? Of course it does. Has he complained about it? You bet. How does that make me feel? VERY DEFENSIVE!!! And this has caused a few arguments between us. It has seemed like it was a Him or Them thing and as much as I love my husband, it would be them!!
While I undrstand that we do need time together as a couple, he had known how things were for me since the beginning. What we had to do is reach a compromise that works for both of us.
What we have done is find ways to make time for ourselves even if kids are there. We sit outside on the porch, we crawl up in the bed and watch movies. Lots of little stuff, and we do it OFTEN. You say your daughter is a teenager. Is she old enough to babysit while yall go for a walk, or out to eat or something? She could earn a little money helping you out.
Do I think you sound selfish? A little bit although I dont blame you. I wish I had more time for myself let alone my husband. It just sounds like you want it "THIS" way and unless it happens that way you arent going to be happy. Life happens and sometimes you have to make do with what you got. You do need to talk to your husband about this, but you also need to be open-minded to other possibilities you have for alone time. (I have a WHOLE list of the neatest things, I would just need to know what youre working with.)
I would be careful though as to how you talk to your husband about this. If he thinks youre making him decide between you or them, its going to REALLY mess up your marriage. With a little planning, it doesnt have to turn out that way.
Im sure Im going to get blasted for this, but this is my view on this situation.

[WhiskeyGirl]

I agree very much with what Cindy says. Sometimes we just need to roll with the punches. It's easy to give the kids some money and send them for some candy. (don't know if you can do that for sure or not but still.) Or go to the movie store, pick a few kids movies and pick a few adults ONLY movies. I remember you saying that you have a lot of tvs in your house! Use them! Tell the kids not to bother you unless someone is bleeding, sick or dying! Sometimes you have to set some boundries and go from that. I also understand where Cindy is coming from about being defensive about the kids, they are his kids and you should tread lightly IMO. Talk, remember to talk, don't yell, don't scream, talk! That is the only way you're going to get any where! You DO need to talk about why the ex never seems to take her kids and maybe letting her know that if she doesn't take them then you both may need to move forward to soul custody with no visitation, because you seem to already have it! I wish you much luck, but remember, those kids have been around longer then you have, don't make your DH play choosies!!

[WebLady]

Well like I said before, I don't have kids ... Cindy and Shawna's posts make alot of sense.

No one should have to choose between the kids and your spouse ... you just have to make time for both. When you choose to have children (and marry someone with children) you chose this life, whether consciously or not. The kids are going to be a part of your life until they are at least 18 ;) so you just have to make it work.

You really need to talk this through with your husband and come to an arrangement that works for everyone.

Best wishes and good luck!

[AngelinLove]

I agree with Cindy and Shawna..so I won't repeat! All I will say is that I don't have children nor does Joel, but I understand where this situation might have a drastic effct on your marriage if not handled the right way.

[LaceyinPgh]

This is just a bad situation for everyone. I feel for you because you had an understanding that things would stay the same after you were married. You would still have private time alone with your husband. I feel for your husband because he really is stuck between you and his kids. He very well can't say, no the kids can't stay here this weekend if their mother isn't going ot be around to take care of them, you know? I really feel for the kids because it isn't their fault.

I guess this is just one of the pitfalls of marrying someone with kids. You can't make his personality more foreceful. You just can't change someone that way. You can't make him pick between you and his kids because I think I know who would pick in that situation. You can't just abandon those poor kids at their mother's house if she isn't going to be around. But, if you had biological children together you wouldn't get every other weekend kid free, would you?

[CindySue]

Im not trying to ruffle feathers by saying what I did, because this actually a very touchy subject. BUT believe it or not there are several alternatives to the situation. While alone time is great and we do try some when we can, Brian and I have some of our most special of moments when we werent quite alone.
There have been times we were tired and really didnt want to put the effort into having some quality time, but we made ourselves do it. And never regretted it!
Good Luck!

[WhiskeyGirl]

This is just a bad situation for everyone. I feel for you because you had an understanding that things would stay the same after you were married. You would still have private time alone with your husband. I feel for your husband because he really is stuck between you and his kids. He very well can't say, no the kids can't stay here this weekend if their mother isn't going ot be around to take care of them, you know? I really feel for the kids because it isn't their fault.

I guess this is just one of the pitfalls of marrying someone with kids. You can't make his personality more foreceful. You just can't change someone that way. You can't make him pick between you and his kids because I think I know who would pick in that situation. You can't just abandon those poor kids at their mother's house if she isn't going to be around. But, if you had biological children together you wouldn't get every other weekend kid free, would you?

Good point Lacey!!! :)

[hummingbird521]

I understand where everyone is coming from as well. But let me explain some more things to you. We have worked out a very good routine with the kids's schedule about where and what nights they are at which parents house. It works well most of the time. The last weekend it was our weekend without and they were to be at their mothers, the mother called on friday night and asked if they could come over. my husband said yes (of course). i assumed they had a special night planned and quite honestly was no big deal. then when this weekend rolled around i had been told earlier in the week that we would not have them this friday night and could do something. we had them again. the reason being that i found out was that "mommy had a bad day and didn't feel well". did anyone ask if my husband had a bad day? or if i had a bad day? or if her new husband could watch them and they still be at their moms? no this was not done. nor did my husband (come to find out) ever ask for the nights to be switched around. :censored:

we do take advantage of every opportunity we have for quality time. but it seems if it is not a trip out of town we don't get more than maybe one hour if lucky. i do not blame the kids. as i said i love the kids. as for our renting them movies or sending out for candy. forget it. if they are here, they expect daddy's undivided attention the entire time. if they were watching a movie and we went into other room (as we have done before) they continuously knock and want to come in. my daughter is their babysitter this summer. i don't want to have to ask her to watch them on weekends as well. for any amount of time.

the part i guess that bothers me so much is that my husband used to make plans for us to have this time alone when dating. and now that i moved in and we got married he doesn't bother or plan on us having time alone. till i moved in he must have taken a stand with the kids and the ex or he would never have been at my house every other weekend like he was. he did not miss one weekend for any reason. but like i said since i moved in it is almost as if he thinks we don't need it anymore. he seems to think (i have heard him on the phone) that if we aren't going out anywhere that we aren't "doing" anything but hanging out. and the kids won't bother our "hanging out" time. it is the principle of it. before marriage i had time. now that married he doesn't give us any time. we discussed this at great length before marriage. discussed that just because we get married we still have date night (whether we hang out at home) or we have our quality time on weekends. we discussed that this is one reason his marriage ended. they never had time. then the other day he actually said to me "WE HAVE MORE TIME TOGETHER THAN MY EX AND I HAD". this did not set well with me. i am not his ex, nor do i want what she had. nor do i want to be compared with her.

now, we did talk about this. and once more i was promised we would try to make more time. i think i got him to see that even if we are "hanging out" at home we would be hanging out with only each other and adult conversation.

[CindySue]

You say you dont blame the kids, but do they hear you complaining about them being there? How much were you around them before you moved in? If your hubby mostly came around when the kids were gone, then this is all still new to them too. If they are coming around more since you moved in, could it be that maybe they like being around YOU? What if your husband started saying your daughter was around too much? How would that make you feel? If you husband thinks the divorce was hard on the kids, I can see him wanting to make things easier. If them coming over more shows them that Daddys not being taken away from them, then I dont see what the problem is providing they havent overheard anything they shouldnt have. That would definitely make them clingy. Seems like nobody has considered there might be a "reason" they are coming around more besides to ruin your plans. Might be worth checking into.
I really think you and your husband need to have a serious talk. From your reply, it sounds like you may be pushing him into a corner and Im afraid the end result is not going to be nice.
I wish you all the luck in the world, I understand how you feel, I know exactly how your husband feels and I feel for the kids.
Im not trying to be ugly......I just have the other parents view on this.

[AngelinLove]

Again, I agree with Cindy. I think that you need to look at this from all angles...your, his, and the children's. When you married him, you also married his children. You are all one family now...and everyone's feelings need to be considered. What would happen if he ended up with the children full-time? What would you two do then to get alone time. I mean, even if you dod not want to utilize your daughter for a babysitter, there must be some other options. This is a situation that really must be handled delicately.

[WhiskeyGirl]

I agree Cindy! This is a very impressionable time in these children's lives. they have been through a lot...divorce...remarriage. Perhaps Cindy is right, maybe the kids want to be around because they truely enjoy being around you and your DH! With that being said, there is no reason why there can't be boundries set up. And rules can be placed!! Children need rules and guidlines otherwise they do not become productive members of society. I have to say this again, you must realize that you are both coming at each other with completely different thinking. Yes, what you discussed before may not be holding true, things change unfortunately! Take for instance, when my DH and I married he told me we wouldn't be moving out of the house we built....four months later I was packing boxes and heading 6 and a half hours north! Now next spring, I'll be packing again and moving again. I know this isn't the same as children, but the point is that sometimes we must roll with the punches. Maybe his kids have never been taught to entertain themselves, maybe his kids cling to his dad because of the divorce!! They are children, you cannot blame them for wanting to be with their dad! Just remember that you are just now inserting yourself into the equation, and you've only been there for a short time! Perhaps the kids feel you are stealing their dad away...who knows??!! Only the kids and the two of you can work something out!! You've got to give it time and not expect things to change over night!! Good luck, I hope you can come to an understanding that makes EVERYONE happy! Just remember that the kids have been through some major life changing events and though they may not be huge to us adults, they can be monumental and HUGE to them!!!

[brewsells]

As I am not a step-parent, it will be hard for me to completely understand, but not impossible. I have 2 children from previous relationships. When my FH came into the relationship he told me flat out he didn't want to be a daddy. Which, I did understand. Didn't like, but understood. He was young and didn't want to be tied down. It was the understanding in the beginning that the relationship was nothing long term. But, as time went on, he and my son grew closer. (My daughter lives in Idaho, so she is not always there). And eventually, as we got serious, he told me he had loved my son long before he loved me. Which, really meant alot to me. (though it may sound strange). And now my FH and I are in the process of him adopting my son, since his real father is not around. I guess what I am trying to say is, if you chose to be in a relationship with a man who had children from a previous marriage, then you accepted them into your life. Or you should have. I understand that you want to spend some alone time with your husband. Do you know how rare it is that we get alone time. Very rare. Maybe 1 night every two months. But we have found things that we all enjoy doing together. We go fishing, camping, to movies, to the arcade, etc... This is just something you are going to have to learn to accept and find ways to make it work. There is always a glass of wine when the kids go to bed. It's not impossible. I am just afraid you will end up losing your husband because of "jealousy". JMO.

[Kacie_bride]

I really don't have good insight to this because I am not a parent or a step-parent. I grew up with both of my parents. The only thing I have to add kinda goes with what Lacey said. I don't really remember my parents having every other weekend to themselves when my brother and I were growing up. In fact I don't really even remember us not being with them every night except once in a blue moon.

As Cindy said, if you force someone to choose between you and their children it is going to get ugly. I don't want to offend you, but even though I don't have kids, I know if it were me I would choose my children over a man. My mother would have chosen me over any man. You guys have to find a happy medium or it will probably end up badily.

[StaceyMc]

Brewsells - I said "Awww" outloud when you wrote that your FH loved your son long before you - that's just the sweetest thing.

Treasia - I have to say, I feel bad for the kids if Mommy gets rid of them when she has a bad day - I'm sure she tells them that. That has to make them feel horrible. I'm not going to be a stepmom when I get married, however, I've dated guys with kids and they always came first. There were weekends that we would go out and the kids would come too. There were Saturdays when the guy would come over to my place and the kids would be there too. I had to accept the kids if I wanted to date their father, simple as that.

I hope that you're able to get this worked out with your husband without hurt feelings.

[CindySue]

Treasia, I hope you dont think anyone in here was blasting you, because we were not. Thats one of the great things about this board, so many different ladies with so many different opinions.
I understand you feel like your getting screwed on this marriage thing with having to deal with your step-kids all the time. Its the summer there isnt it? Do they have a more relaxed visitation schedule during the summer? When my ex was in the picture, summer visitation was different. The kids went when they wanted because they didnt get to go that much during the school year.
I guess because my kids have been through so much **** with my ex and a previous BF, Im very protective of them. It sounds like your husband is protective over his kids too. Thats a good thing because there are so many parents that just dont care. They use their kids to hurt the other parent, without once thinking of how this is affecting the kids.
Blended families are sooo tough. I really hope things work out for you.

[Kacie_bride]

Yes I hope you know we are not blasting you as Cindy said. We really do hope all works out for the best for you and your family.

[brewsells]

Yes I hope you know we are not blasting you as Cindy said. We really do hope all works out for the best for you and your family.

I agree as well.

[hummingbird521]

I do not feel as if i am being blasted on!!! sometimes it takes another persons point of view and side to put everything into perspective. thanks everyone for doing so for me. but i would like it said "i am not jealous of the kids". I guess in my own niave way i thought that things would stay the same as before in some ways. and obviously i was wrong. i don't admit that often :o but have now. i just wonder why my husband doesn't take as much time for alone time as he done before while we were dating. but i guess that is something for me to ask him. I also want everyone to know that NO i didn't spend a lot of time before marriage with the children. we had decided upon first dating that we would spend the majority of our time getting to know one another first. This would still not have changed my outlook on the marriage at all. i love him no matter what! in fact the way he feels towards his kids is one of the reasons i fell in love with him. and i also want to say that nothing has been or will be said in front of those kids or mine. i would never do this. i as said, do not blame the kids. i blame myself for thinking things would stay the same. i love our family times together and always will. the kids have never really had a set schedule as to who's house or what nights or days. only that it is every other weekend at them. the kids have always been allowed to decide whose house they stay at. they have never been told only gave the decision of "who would you like to stay with today"? and i know (since the kids have told me) they choose our house more because they love it here. and this makes me proud that we have all blended so nicely together. i just feel like that there are times when my husband needs to tell his ex that "sorry you have had a bad day, but this is life, they are your children as well". she is never mean or neglectful of them. my husband has just never learned how to tell anyone NO. no matter who it is.

so as i said, thanks for putting me in my place and reminding me that i married not only him, but the kids as well. i wake each morning knowing i have been blessed.

[Kacie_bride]

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!! Hug those kids for me!

[CindySue]

Im glad we were able to help........Ive learned a lot from the girls in here. They have definitely help me see things in a different light on MANY occassions.
I was discussing this with my husband and he said that your husband might be seeing it as now youre married and together every day, you dont need alone time. When I questioned him about that, he also said that guys see things different than we do. While a lot of woman want "quality/alone" time with their husbands, a lot of men are happy just knowing their honey is there in the house with them. Which I guess makes sense when you look at it that way. He also said that some men (and this may not be youre husband) will "wine and dine" a woman before marriage and then "forget" that their wives might still want that sometimes. He said this is where you "remind" him!;)
Good Luck!!!!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Lol...I think Brian is sooooo right! When Matt and I started dating he would blow off his friends and leave his work on the farm early just so he could be with me.(leaving work early caused a lot of problems! but that's a whole different story!!!) He also used to bring flowers and presents, his goal in life was to win me over....when he did, things did change. Fortunately enough, Matt has been pretty good with spoiling me on a regular basis (:wink:) and I understand that now we're married, to him its kinda like he's reached his goal in a way! lol

I'm also glad that our opinions didn't sour you in any way. And I'm glad that you can come to an understanding with your hubby!! Good luck Honey!!:)

[Twigler]

This may be an idea that someone has already mentioned, but I saw that you said earlier that your teenager babysat the kids during the summer. Would you ever consider having someone else babysit them for a couple of hours while the two of you went out for dinner or a movie? Have the babysitter take the kids out to a movie or ice cream so that the two of you can have some alone time. Does your town have a local pool? What about getting something that the kids can enjoy on their own...like a trampoline (sp??) or something like that. That way, you can still have the kids on the weekend, but maybe get some alone time inside the house and not have to worry about the kids.

As far as the marrage thing...I know just how you feel. My fiance and I have been dating for over four years and living together for almost one year. He used to always do the sweetest things (like give me flowers) and act so sweet to me when we first started dating. Now, he isn't as sweet of a man as he used to be because he is comfortable with the way we are together now and he doesn't feel like he has to really "try" anymore. It sucks somewhat, but I love him so much and I cherish each small sweet thing now that it doesn't really bother me...but I still do miss some of the earlier times when we first started dating.

I think though in your case that you are more upset about the principal of the idea as opposed to actually having the kids. All I can really say is good luck and just stay strong! Remember why you love your husband and shrug off the rest (easier said than done, but worth the struggle!).

[stepmominaz]

Hi. I am new as of today on the forum and read your post. Wow, do we have a lot in common with the step kids! I've struggled with his kids for three years and now his oldest is getting married and is pretending to be nice, just to get us to pay for her wedding. I'm at my wits end with them. We have 6 all together. 3 boys, 3 girls my kids were raised completely different and I'm embarrassed to say that his kids have come between us. Wondered if you have made any progress with your step kids since your marriage?