Cold feet?

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

So, maybe you lovely brides can help me..


Me and my fiance have been engaged about a year and a half. We were really really good together for about the first year, and somethings went on in our relatinship, and i lost alot of trust with him. Since then, my trust issues have started alot of fights, and I mean really really ugly fights. But, recently, things have been changing, and we fight less, and he is really being sweet lately. But the problem is, my excitement ( and to be honest- alot of my feelings towards him) are gone. It seems almost like he...annoys me now. Or is more like a friend.
But i know you all will say " Maybe you should reconsider the marriage", but i know I love him, and I know I want to marry him..I just don't know what to do to get all the feelings back?


Sorry if this was long. :cloppy:

[Chele&Chris]

your post is a little confussing.. in one sentence you say a lot of your feelings are gone and in the next you say you know you love him? So are you trying to say you love him but you're not "in love" with him any more? If that is what you are trying to say then you are right in saying that I think you should think long and hard before you go into a commitment of marriage. Marriage is a serious step and you should be completely sure that is what you want to do and that he is the person you want to do it with. First and for most I do think you need to tell him what you are feeling "I feel like you're more of a friend to me than, the man of my dreams" "I need some 'alone' time to think about things" good luck with whatever you decide to do :)

[gwenshack]

So, maybe you lovely brides can help me..


Me and my fiance have been engaged about a year and a half. We were really really good together for about the first year, and somethings went on in our relatinship, and i lost alot of trust with him. Since then, my trust issues have started alot of fights, and I mean really really ugly fights. But, recently, things have been changing, and we fight less, and he is really being sweet lately. But the problem is, my excitement ( and to be honest- alot of my feelings towards him) are gone. It seems almost like he...annoys me now. Or is more like a friend.
But i know you all will say " Maybe you should reconsider the marriage", but i know I love him, and I know I want to marry him..I just don't know what to do to get all the feelings back?


Sorry if this was long. :cloppy:

Not long at all! I appreciate your dilemma and, you're right, I was going to say "Maybe you should reconsider the marriage..." - since that's not what you're looking for (LOL!), I'll give you my other surefire answer - you should see a counselor and resolve these issues before you say I do. Is your fiance aware that you're having these feelings - that he annoys you? - can you have that conversation and get it out and try to make it work? Would he be willing to go to premarital counseling with you?

I certainly hope you get the feelings back and that you can be confident in your decision.
Best of luck!

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks for the responses!

Well, I mean, I know I love him, were good together. But I's starting not to feel so.." in love". Like, all the little things he used to do that i thought was really cute is really starting to bother me!

Also, the church we are getting married at actually required pre-marital counseling, so we have done that already. Which actually, to be honest, made some things worse. Like, made us sort of mad at what the other person would say. But, we worked through those things.

I just feel all confused and sad because, it's my wedding and i should totally be excited. :sob:

[WebLady]

If you are in doubt, don't get married.

Counseling is suppose to bring out stuff that many couples don't think about; better for it to come out now than for you to get married and be miserable and have to get divorced.

If you think it is worth saving I'd push back the wedding and work out your emotions and maybe continue with more couples counseling.

All the best :flower:

[BarceloMayaPalaceBride]

There's a big difference between loving someone and being "in love with them. In your future husband, you DEFINETELY need to love him AND be in love or else it's going to be a LONG LONG road ahead of you. Just follow your heart, and remember to not stay with him just because you are comfortable with him. I definetely think some soul searching would be a good idea. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement, or calling off the wedding if you know he's not the right one for you. Just be fair to yourself and fair to your man. You will make the right decision.

[WebLady]

... See, I know I LOVE him. It's just maybe because it's such a huge step and I'm still really young. Or sometimes I think that I have high expectations, and I get disappointed easily when he doesn't always meet them?

I don't know, I know I love him and I wouldn't leave him but I feel like I should feel more excited about things.Well sounds like you have some thinking to do. Figure out what is making you question things. Lots of people get stressed and sometimes loose interest in planning a big wedding, but that shouldn't make you second guess your commitment.

[animal.crackers]

Not to be rude, but... how old are you? If you are having second thoughts about taking such a big step or questioning your feelings for him, I would definitely recommend not getting married anytime soon...

Maybe you can just put a halt on the wedding process and keep working on your relationship for awhile and see how it goes?

[gwenshack]

Not to be rude, but... how old are you? If you are having second thoughts about taking such a big step or questioning your feelings for him, I would definitely recommend not getting married anytime soon...

Maybe you can just put a halt on the wedding process and keep working on your relationship for awhile and see how it goes?

I wondered this too - you said you were really young...:) Have you discussed this with your parents? I know my mom would be really open to talking to me if I was having doubts. Just a thought...:)

[Whitewater]

In addition to what everybody else has said, there's one thing that a lot of people forget, and that is that love goes through stages. As your relationship grows, it's not going to stay the same. You've got the initial passionate romance stage, the 'do I stay or do I go' stage, the settling down stage, and so on.

A lot of young folks or people who haven't had a lot of long term relationships tend to get blindsided by the passion and assume that how that feels is how love is supposed to be. Then they freak out and get really scared when the passion goes away, because they assume that this means that their relationship is ending -- when it's not, not all the time.

There's a reason why they say that love takes work. It's because you can't count on the passion. Passion is a fleeting thing. It's what attracts you originally, but what do you have when it finds somebody else? Have you slipped into a deeper, more honest love that's about more than merely 4 legs in a bed? Or are you discovering that there's nothing else to your relationship but the passion, and when it leaves you, your relationship goes too?

You need to figure out where you are. Real love deepens, matures, becomes about more than just sex, and goes beyond plain passion. You SHOULD be friends with your partner -- best friends. There needs to be more than sex holding you together, and you'll know whether or not you have that, or even the potential for that. Love is going to Home Depot to buy a toilet seat together, cleaning up dog puke on your couch, knowing that you can be sick with the flu and your red nose and runny eyes will melt his heart anyway, and taking joy in the little things of building a life together. Love is a decision as well as a feeling. But love and passion are two very different beasts.

But your instincts will tell you where you are. Are you just moving into a deeper/different stage of love? Or is something telling you that this is all there is . . . and you aren't happy with what you've got?

A qualified counselor will help you sort out your feelings. Your relationship isn't doomed. If you're moving into another stage, well, you need to know that. And if you really are growing apart, well, you need to know that too, before you make the solemn commitment of marriage.

HTH,

Whitewater

[SN2BMRIED]

I have to agree with what the ladies above have all basically said. You know in your gut what you need to do- follow it. Listen to that little voice in your head- it is rarely wrong.
When I was 18 I got involved with an older guy. It ended up being very routine and "comfortable". We were friends. I figured that that was how it was supposed to be. I spent 7 years going back in forth in my head about whether or not he was the one I would end up with in the end because I merely loved him. My gut and my heart both knew he wasn't it. I listened to my little voice, and as hard as it was (and it WILL be should you go that route) I wouldn't change my decision because in the end I found the one man who is perfect for me.
NEVER SETTLE TO SETTLE!
Now- to touch on your "trust issues"- it sounds to me like he cheated, correct? I may be over stepping here, but I am a firm believer in two things reguarding this... 1) If you truley are in love with someone you DON'T EVER sleep with or seriously consider sleeping with someone else. 2) The age old- Once a cheater, Always a cheater. I don't personally buy into any of the excuses people use to "explain" themselves with that. There is no excusing it. Sorry- just my opinion.

You are going to be the only one who can make the decision on whether you stay or go, because you are the only one who knows whether you are truley in love with this man. I just hope you do not marry someone you are not completely and totally sure you can spend the rest of your life with and be happy. The divorce rate in this country is already to high. I don't mean to sound harsh at all, you seem like a sweet girl, just hate to see you broken hearted in the end.

~Amber

[amisteratwisterandme]

I agree with the other too.

I know this ig going to sound strange, but I personally believe that once you start letting your mind wander, it is dangerous territory. To be in love all the time, even when they are annoying you, is to live it and breathe it at all times.

I definately get annoyed at FH at times and there are those few minutes where strangling him sounds like the best course of action, but I never let those feelings overtake me.

[BarceloMayaPalaceBride]

In addition to what everybody else has said, there's one thing that a lot of people forget, and that is that love goes through stages. As your relationship grows, it's not going to stay the same. You've got the initial passionate romance stage, the 'do I stay or do I go' stage, the settling down stage, and so on.

A lot of young folks or people who haven't had a lot of long term relationships tend to get blindsided by the passion and assume that how that feels is how love is supposed to be. Then they freak out and get really scared when the passion goes away, because they assume that this means that their relationship is ending -- when it's not, not all the time.

There's a reason why they say that love takes work. It's because you can't count on the passion. Passion is a fleeting thing. It's what attracts you originally, but what do you have when it finds somebody else? Have you slipped into a deeper, more honest love that's about more than merely 4 legs in a bed? Or are you discovering that there's nothing else to your relationship but the passion, and when it leaves you, your relationship goes too?

You need to figure out where you are. Real love deepens, matures, becomes about more than just sex, and goes beyond plain passion. You SHOULD be friends with your partner -- best friends. There needs to be more than sex holding you together, and you'll know whether or not you have that, or even the potential for that. Love is going to Home Depot to buy a toilet seat together, cleaning up dog puke on your couch, knowing that you can be sick with the flu and your red nose and runny eyes will melt his heart anyway, and taking joy in the little things of building a life together. Love is a decision as well as a feeling. But love and passion are two very different beasts.

But your instincts will tell you where you are. Are you just moving into a deeper/different stage of love? Or is something telling you that this is all there is . . . and you aren't happy with what you've got?

A qualified counselor will help you sort out your feelings. Your relationship isn't doomed. If you're moving into another stage, well, you need to know that. And if you really are growing apart, well, you need to know that too, before you make the solemn commitment of marriage.

HTH,

Whitewater

You have some very good points and I couldn't agree more about the different stages of love. :)

[savepaws]

Whitewater said exactly what I was thinking but said it much more better than I ever could.

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thank you ladies! You're responses have really got me thinking, and really helped me. Especially the "stages" of love really helped.

To answer some questions.
Yeah, i am really young, I'm almost 19. ( I know- everyone says it's too young.)

And the trust thing, no he has not cheated on me. He used to lie alot though about things in the beginning, but he no longer lies, he said he learned from his mistakes and is doing all he can to fix them.

thanks so much!

[WebLady]

Well 19 is young and not saying that is necessarily too young to get married. The age thing really varies from person to person. But, from what you have told us it sounds to me like maybe you are not ready to get married.

I would really sit down and do some thinking; marriage is suppose to be a life long commitment; together through it all, for the rest of your lives. Sometimes people don't really think about it like that; sometimes just loving someone is not enough.

All the best to you!

[Whitewater]

I do think that 18, almost 19 is too young for anybody to get married, even the most stable, mature teenager on the entire planet. And the reason I think this is because marriage is SUCH a huge commitment -- but at that age, a teenager needs to start becoming their own person, and not have huge commitments hanging around their necks.

They really don't need the added issues of trying to be something for somebody else when they hardly know who they themselves are. A marriage, any marriage, cannot succeed if the individuals involved don't know who they are *before* they enter into it. How can you join another person when you have no idea about your own self? It's insanity. You can't give yourself to somebody else if you don't know you have a self to begin with.

What else do you want to do with your life? Join the Peace Corps and see the world? Go to college? Start your own business? Get a job so that you can save enough money to move to another state? Travel? Politics?

What if you want a career that's so consuming that there won't be room for love? Like, film, theatre, art, business, the military, police work or sales?

What do you want from your life? Aside from the secure little bubble of always having somebody to take care of you, which is nice -- but take it from me -- absolutely not necessary, and even limiting in its own way. No matter what society tells us. You do not need a mate to be a whole individual. You are already everything you need for yourself. You just need to grow into all of it.

I will always recommend to anybody under the age of 20 to put your marriage on hold for a little while. Go experience life. Grow into the person you truly are meant to become. When you do eventually get married -- and if your relationship is good for you, it will grow and change right along with you -- you'll be able to bring a lot more to the table, because you won't have given up your life and your own sense of self for the security of legally 'belonging' to another person.

If you're supposed to be in that relationship, it will wait. Marriage doesn't have to happen immediately. You have plenty of time for that. Go discover the world around you first. Explore what life has to offer.

Maybe you want to be a scuba-diving instructor. Or a genetic scientist. Or a bank teller. Or a teacher. Or a policeman. Who knows? Do you? Go and find out! Marriage won't make those things impossible, but it WILL make it much harder. Think about it. Do you want to get married and then spend the rest of your life wondering what else you could have done with your life? Allow yourself the grace to never ever have to ask that question.

Love, if it's really love, is worth waiting for. Don't rush it.


Whitewater

[gwenshack]

I agree with Whitewater.

I'm 31. When I was 18 I had all these ideas of who I was, what the world was going to be like, and what my place in it was going to be. Since 18 I have had so many different experiences, lots of heartbreak, lots of happy times, and seen so many things that I never anticipated. I also grew and changed and my entire mindset has gone in another direction. (Well, several directions along the way...!)
The bottom line is, some of the people who were in my life when I was 18 are no longer in my life- people grow apart, and I'm not just talking about loves, but friends too! People change and sometimes they grow strong and grow closer together, and sometimes they drift apart and different goals and directions create a change in relationship.
I would hate to see the normal ebbs and flow of life, that hurt enough as is, also lead to divorce.

Am I saying that your FH isn't "the one"? Nope. I'm just saying that the rush isn't necessary. Give it time, enjoy your life, see things, do things, and if you and the guy you're with grow together - awesome! If not, it won't be half as hard on you in the long run.

Good luck and all the best wishes. :)

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Thanks guys, you have me really thinking.

Everything you're saying is true. Sometimes I think I'm too young and have alot more to do with my life, and sometimes i feel pretty set in my decision.
One huge factor is everything is paid for..and it's so close.

It's just so stressful now that it's so close, i don't know. I'm scared because I can see how much we have grown and changed in the two years we have been together.. what will the next 2, or 10, or 60 years be like?:whyme:

[ChristineLS]

Seriously, on the age thing. I'm also very young, about a month-ish shy of 23. When I was 19, I thought I found the perfect guy for me, what I wanted to do, how I was going to do it, etc. Looking back, I was in a great place for the age, but everything changed. My future occupation, realized that the guy I was with and I did not have a common enough vision of the future (as well as a lack of philosophical commonalities) to make a long term relationship work, and there were a few things to do first. My current fiance and I have been together 3 years and our wedding will be the one year anniversary of living together. In that three years I've learned a new language, finished an undergraduate degree, traveled, had five different jobs (some held at the same time, ack), met more people than I could ever remember, learned and grew in ways the 18 year old version of my self never would have seen.

Do you have any religious reasons for getting married young? I don't ask that as a point of critique, just hear me out: if you don't, I'd consider cohabiting for awhile (if that is something you are morally OK with. Not everyone is, and you know, I totally respect that). Listen to your gut. Is this something that's cold feet or do you sense a problem. Loosing a paid for wedding is still cheaper than a divorce, if you sense you need that.

It is a lot of pressure, the commitment is huge, of course. If your gut is saying go, and your mind is giving you good reasons beyond "I love him" (which is the tacit reason, of course :) ) Go for it.

Good luck with whatever you decide is best! I wish you well :D

[DanDanNoodleBowl]

Seriously, on the age thing. I'm also very young, about a month-ish shy of 23. When I was 19, I thought I found the perfect guy for me, what I wanted to do, how I was going to do it, etc. Looking back, I was in a great place for the age, but everything changed. My future occupation, realized that the guy I was with and I did not have a common enough vision of the future (as well as a lack of philosophical commonalities) to make a long term relationship work, and there were a few things to do first. My current fiance and I have been together 3 years and our wedding will be the one year anniversary of living together. In that three years I've learned a new language, finished an undergraduate degree, traveled, had five different jobs (some held at the same time, ack), met more people than I could ever remember, learned and grew in ways the 18 year old version of my self never would have seen.

Do you have any religious reasons for getting married young? I don't ask that as a point of critique, just hear me out: if you don't, I'd consider cohabiting for awhile (if that is something you are morally OK with. Not everyone is, and you know, I totally respect that). Listen to your gut. Is this something that's cold feet or do you sense a problem. Loosing a paid for wedding is still cheaper than a divorce, if you sense you need that.

It is a lot of pressure, the commitment is huge, of course. If your gut is saying go, and your mind is giving you good reasons beyond "I love him" (which is the tacit reason, of course :) ) Go for it.

Good luck with whatever you decide is best! I wish you well :D

Thank you for that, it also has me thinking :)

As for living together, I would be okay with that, but my parents are very religious and would have a major problem with it and probably not talk to me. Seriously. But I would like to live togther, but with that in the way, we couldnt.