So upset...(sorry, it's long)

[emilycake]

Ok, I don't know where else to turn. I don;t know if this is the right place to put this. I guess it could be under wedding stress...but it's not really about the wedding...

Ok, so Jamie (fiance) chewed snuff when I first met him. I wasn't fine with it but I didn't tell him to stop. It's not my place to do that. I told him I wish he'd stop because I've seen the outcome firsthand...

Last June, my father's brother left work one day to be hospitalized on flu symtoms. He died 2 weeks later in ICU. He was only 42 years old. He chewed and smoked all his life. Now, Jamie doesn't smoke, and I'm thankful for that, but I was there in the room when my uncle died. It was the single worst experience of my life. His whole body was eaten up with cancer. He couldn't breathe and constantly coughed up blood. His left lung collapsed and he died a few hours later.

I have told Jamie this story and he promised me he wouldn't "BUY" any more snuff. He claimed he wasn't addicted to it. I asked him about it a few months ago and he said he had bummed some off some guys at work, but hadn't bought any. He then promised me he wouldn't do it anymore. Period.

Well, we were just folding clothes and I casually asked him about it again. He wouldn't answer me. He finally told me he'd still been getting it from his friends at work. He just doesn't get it. I've told him before that when he's lying in that hospital bed or when they cut his jaw off, I won't be there. I know that's kind of extreme, but it's the truth. And it's not just the snuff thing. I think what hurts me more is that he promised me this same thing time and time again, and he's broken every promise about it. He knows how much his promises mean to me and if he can't keep the promise, he shouldn't make it.

He just came in here and tried to talk to me...not being apologetic or anything. I just told him to leave me alone. I'm upset and I don't want to talk to him. It just hurts my feelings so much. I can't bear to think of Jamie in my uncle's position. I'm sitting in my computer room bawling my eyes out, and I NEVER cry. I just don;t know what to do.

Should I stop acting like Jamie is my teenage son, and just forget about it? Should I keep on about it? What should I say to him? I'm so confused and upset right now...

[gwenshack]

Hi -

I'm sorry you're so upset! It's hard to see someone do something that we all rationally know isn't good for us - but at the same time, we all do things that aren't good for us - be it drive fast, eat too much, drink too much, smoke, chew, watch MTV (sorry sometimes I have to make a joke to break tension...). I'm not justifying what he's doing, of course, but he's an adult and he has to make choices for himself. Sadly, we can't control what our loved ones do. We can worry about them, absolutely, and hope that nothing bad happens to them - we don't want to see them suffer and then suffer ourselves as a result. In order for him to quit chewing he has to WANT to quit chewing - for himself, not for you. I'm sure he rationally wishes he could just do it because you want him to, but that's not enough motivation. It has to come from within. He probably thinks a little here and there won't hurt. A lof of people rationalize habits that way. He probably thinks he's doing better because he doesn't BUY it anymore. He feels like he's trying.
My mom wanted to marry a non-smoker who went to church. My step-father (soon to be ex-step-father) was a smoker who didn't go to church. She asked him to change those behaviors and he did - for a while - but in the end he reverted back to old habits because he didn't stop doing these things for himself - he did for her.
You can't change him - he has to change himself. You can choose to support him in the decisions he makes, whether you like them or not, of you can choose to be with somebody who doesn't have those particular habits.

I certainly hope that Jamie lives a long and healthy life and I absolutely don't want you to be upset! Living in fear and worry must be horrible for you! I hope he'll realize what is good for him.

Best of luck to both of you!

[FFC]

I'm sorry to hear about your frustrations. I used to be in the same situation you're in, except it wasn't snuff, it was pot. My ex and I broke up several times, and every time I left him, he'd beg me back on his knees with tears running down his cheeks and promise and swear on his son's life that he'd never smoke again if it meant having me back. Needless to say, he's still my ex after 3 years of me being able to stand up for myself.

Now I have no idea if snuff is as addictive as pot, and I'm not saying that Jamie is going to end up being like my ex, but addictions are what lead to deception in a relationship. I think that communication is very very important in a relationship and if he's afraid that you're going to get mad if you find out he's still chewing, he's not going to want to talk to you, so he's just going to keep his secrets.

I've learned, with my husband Matt, that even though something upsets me, it's important to talk to him equally. I tell him if something bothers me and we discuss it. Getting upset with him gets us nowhere but down the deception path.

Now I'm not saying that you two are fighting or deceiving each other, I'm just telling you from my experience how relationships work with addictions. Usually the addiction wins (in my family anyway). I am praying for you and Jamie and hope that you two can work something out together so that you can both be happy.

[emilycake]

We sat down and talked about it last night when he noticed I wasn't in bed and came looking for me on the couch. Like I said before, it's a bigger deal to me that he promised me twice and went against it. He did most of the talking. He told me that he knows it's bad for him and he wants to stop. I told him that it's a decision he has to make himself, and not to tell me that he's going to do things he does not intend to do. Because that's what hurts so much. At this point, he's almost to tears. He asked me what I wanted to do...I said it's not what I want, it's what he wants.

I can't change him and I don't want to change him. I don't want to come off as controlling or anything like that. I love him with all my heart, and I just want to help him. We've always had a super truthful relationship. Whenever something bothers us, we talk about it. And that contributes to the hurt feeling. I'm hurt that he kept it from me, and he was scared to tell me. I DID get upset, and I guess that's why he didn't want to tell me.

The conversation went on for about 30 minutes, and we didn't yell or get mad or anything...we never do when we talk. I like to think we have a very functional relationship. We're best friends, we talk about everything. It ended with him telling me he's stop, and I told him not to tell me that again. He said he was not taking it back and was really going to do it this time. He hugged and kissed me and got me to come to bed.

I guess only time will tell.

[FFC]

I'm rootin' for both of you!! Let's hope he can quit.

[MrsDM]

Justina is right. Addiction always wins.

I see both sides of the situation here. I personally don't smoke, but all the women in my family do. So I see how addictive behavior is and I see how it can be on family members and loved ones around the addicted person.

I think based on the recent death of your uncle, and the promises that Jamie will quit, you have everyright to be hurt and upset by Jamie's dishonesty to you. I think he needs to realize that you want him to quit because you are scared for him and don't want him to end up like your uncle.

The only thing that I wanted to point out is, when you have an addiction, its hard to quit, espcially at work with peer pressure. But, I think that if he stays strong and realizes that he has a great woman behind him who deeply cares about him, he can do it.

I'm glad you two were able to talk about things yesterday. I hope the best for the two of you.

[Kfancii]

My DH has dipped snuff forever but has managed to successfully quit about 3 months ago when he had to go in for surgery. I didn't ask him to quit, he chose to on his own and I honestly believe that is the only way that he has been able to stay off of it.

Snuff is just as addictive as cigarettes, or any other vices that people might have. For my DH, it helped to calm him because the nicotine is a depressant. He misses that calming feeling more than anything these days as he is programed to worry about everything. (He gets this from his Mother).

Anyway- I know how you are feeling after watching your Uncle suffer from cancer as I watched my Grandpa die of lung cancer too and it isn't a pretty sight. I hope that you and Jamie can come to an agreement and feel better about this situation. As much as you care, he is an adult and you can't change him. You just have to decide if you are willing to live with him as he is. Good luck!

[WebLady]

Sorry you are dealing with this; as others have said, it sounds like an addiction, even if he doesn't think it is. I know I wouldn't want to live with someone tied to any sort of addition because addiction consumes your life and greatly affects your relationships.

Sounds like he may need help in order to quit; maybe talk to a Dr. But he has to want to quit, for himself and for you!

If it upsets you so much I would try to talk to him again and tell him how you feel and how you want him to get help and quit; for himself, his health and your future together.

If he doesn't then it is up to you if you are willing to live with the situation the way it is.

All the best :hug:

EDIT: I didn't see your other reply until after I posted; hope he quits for good this time and all is well!

[mj512]

I hope it works out so that he can finally quit. I agree with the others that HE himself has to truly want to quit for it to happen. My mom tried for years to try to quit smoking. She finally just decided for herself one day that she didn't want to anymore, and she never smoked again.

[emilycake]

Thank you all so much for all the support. I feel like I have calmed down a lot and tonight we're going to talk about it again. When I'm upset, I don't say much...and that happened last night. We'll try it again tonight and try to come up with a solution instead of empty promises.