And sometimes the best laid plans deviate

[caligal85]

So I can officially say that the past three days have been the worst ever. After the best visit ever with FH (the story is in my journal (http://forums.onewed.com/showthread.php?t=20799&page=16)), I was hit with a ton of bricks.

Two years ago, we found out my dad has hep C. That on top of hep B, diabetes, and a ton of complications has made life difficult. He and my mom just got back from Alaska and he's exhausted. He was on interferon therapy for six months, only half of the time he was supposed to be on it, because he reached a point where it was working anymore. His viral count is outrageous and so his doctor is putting him a similar therapy in February, where instead of once a week, he'll be giving himself a shot every day and having check ups every week. Oh and did I mention he won't be able to travel anywhere? For a year? Yeah a year. What happens in a little more than seven months? Yep my wedding.

I'm devastated. I can't imagine my wedding without my dad. Not only was he going to walk me down the aisle, but he was also going to officiate. It was the only thing in my entire wedding that I wasn't willing to compromise on. Dad was going to be there and dad was going to officiate, no ifs, ands or buts.

But that's not it. My dad has become extremely difficult to live with and has put my mom in an extremely hard living situation. So hard that she is considering leaving my father. Yeah, let's add that on there.

FH and I have talked about it and since my dad's health is deteriorating and since we're not sure how long my mom plans on staying here, we've moved the marriage up to May. I say marriage because we're doing away with the wedding. We'll be going to the court house to pick up the marriage license and then signing it in front of my dad. I'll probably wear my dress but that means I have to get on finding a seamstress.

I not only sad but I'm also so angry. I'm usually really able to go with the flow but I feel like this is too much. Not only am I upset about my dad, but I'm upset that Scott's family won't get to see him get married. We talked about doing another ceremony on our original date but I can't do it. I'm beyond stressed and don't want to walk down an aisle without my dad. FH was super supportive and suggested that we still do the reception, which I agreed with. It's just that, I was looking forward to having one normal rite of passage in my life. I was looking forward to showers and my bachelorette party and decorating the chapel and showing my best friends my home town. We're still having the reception but none of my friends will be there and my family probably won't show up because there's no wedding (they're uber-traditional like that), so it will just be people he knows. My girls still want to have a shower for me but I feel kind of ridiculous because there's no wedding to invite them to. I guess I might have a bachelorette party but my MOH's won't be able to come because they have work and school. I just feel robbed and all I want to do is crawl under my bed and not come out until January 2010.

[EarlyBird]

ya- i cried reading that!

okay.. so i know its probably past "suggestions" but why cant you have it where your dad is? is this totally not do-able?

on another note, be strong.. i know your dad may be difficult right now, but your obviously as much of a daddy's girl as you have always been (believe me, im the same way) It is NORMAL to be angry. i had to move my wedding when my dads business closed and after sad,i was mad.. irrational mad.. like mad at him for his business folding !! i see now how irrational i was, but at the time.. i really couldnt!

i wish you the best..

[gwenshack]

Sara,

I'm so sorry. I can just feel it in your writing how disappointed you are. You have every right to feel what you're feeling right now - you're giving up a lot of things you've always wanted, that you can't just do "some other time". You only get married once, you had it in your head how you wanted it to happen, and now you're getting shortchanged. And that's just such a shame.

Obviously you've thought it out and you've determined your priorities - you want your dad there, whether he's being difficult or not. I wish I had some easy answer of how you can have it both ways - but I don't - and that just sucks.

I really hope that the best is made of this situation and that you're marriage is celebrated in the manner you DESERVE. A big deal should be had, a reception, flowers, the whole nine. I'm glad your girls are wanting to see that this stuff happens for you - you've got some good friends behind you.

Vent here and let us listen. Hugs...:)

[caligal85]

We can't afford to have a wedding here. The deals we got in Michigan were because we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. Not so much here and with it being Cali, everything's ten times more expensive. We'll have kind of a wedding but it will be on a much much smaller scale, since the only family of his that will come will be his mom and maybe his grandparents. None of my family besides my parents will able to make it, either. Michigan was so convenient, and will be for the reception, I'm just sad that EVERYONE I love won't be able to be at my wedding. I wanted my niece Sophie to be my flower girl and my uncle to do a reading in spanish. I know my day will still be special and be the best day of my life. I'm just having trouble adjusting to a new set of ideas. *sigh*

[LovingLife]

I also got a little tery eyed reading this. I am so so sorry.

I am sure there isnt much that isnt going to make it better, but I just wanted you to know if you need to talk I am here to listen as well.

It does on the other hand sound like you have an amazing FH and some great friends! Having supportive people always helps.

((hugs and love!))

[WebLady]

I am so sorry about all of this :hug:

I would be a upset too, but even if you don't have a "real" wedding like you planned, you will still be end up married and when it comes down to it, that is what it was all about anyway right?! And your Dad will still be a part of it!

I think still having the reception is a great idea to still celebrate with your family and friends! This will give FH's family a chance to be a part of things too! You guys can still wear your "wedding" clothes and people will be able to see you look like a princess :)

Maybe even video the ceremony with your family so you can share it with everyone at the reception that way.

Your family should know about your Dad and the circumstances in the change in ceremony plans, so if they don't want to come to the reception to celebrate with you then poo on them! Put more energy into your friends and FH's family that will be there to support you guys no matter how you do it!

All the best to you :flower:

[tha_mrs]

I am so sorry about your dad and everything that surrounds this illness. I cried as I read how everything just seem to come apart at the seams for you. But, here is when you and FH will show the stregnth of your love. I heard someone say it's so easy when everything's going right, but you'll know it's a great relationship in the things that are tough. It's how you work through those.

I think that web lady had a wonderful idea. Do you have to have a reception immediately? Can you have a dinner there after you're married, and have a reception at the place where you were going to before? I've heard of couples getting married and having a reception later on. You'd plan for it just as it was the day of your ceremony.Like web lady said they can play the video and once it's over someone can announce you entrance and then you walk in, in your wedding apparel.

[Chele&Chris]

I too started to tear up reading this.. Sorry to hear about your dad. It is good that you can still have your dad as a part of your offical "marriage" though. Maybe since you're still having your reception you could have someone renew your vows that day, that way his family and everyone else can still be a part of it too and it might feel a "little" more like the wedding you dreamed of?

[RosieAngel]

I cried reading this too. I'm so sorry about your Dad, and the fact that you won't be able to have the wedding you wanted. I totally understand the mourning process involved with giving up a dream wedding. It hurts, just like losing a loved one.

But just so you know, I've been to courthouse weddings (one for a similar reason as yours - only bride's dad was dying), and they are every bit as special as those in churches. All of the feelings will still there! They do hold short ceremonies there, but if you really want your Dad to say something ceremony-like, I'm sure you can!

How many alterations does the dress need? It's a short one, right?

My unsolicited advice:

1. Cry. HARD. Get it all out, make your family and friends feel miserable for you and give you hugs, and you will feel better about it.

2. Let your friends throw you the shower and the bachelorette party, even if there is no wedding. This is their way of showing their love and support for you, and feeling that love and support will help you feel better in these difficult times. Trust me on this.

Again, I'm really sorry. We will be here for you! :hug:

[amisteratwisterandme]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I don't see why you still can't have your wedding both places. I know you couldn't have your dad there, but maybe you and FH could walk in together, symbolizing this new journey the two of you are entering together?

Just a thought: My friend's dad has the same thing, and when he is doing treatments he turns into an entirely different person. Just a total a$$. My understanding is that the pain is just so darn intense. Maybe you can look into a pain management company for him?

I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers!

[f77g4]

Aww Sara (aka my date buddy) my heart is breaking for you right now hun. I'm sooooo sorry to hear about your dad - I hope he can be feeling better.

And as far as his mood and your mom threatening to leave him - she loves him, and she's just struggling with this herself too, and I think that their love will prevail. My mom had thyroid cancer years ago and had her thyroid removed so her hormones are always out of wack even with meds and at the beginning it was really hard on my dad and he was always threatening to leave but he never did and he never will - he lovers her too much but it was just such a change in her personality. I'm sure yours will work it out too.

I really like Brandi's idea of videotaping the wedding and playing it at the reception. Or what about hooking up a webcam at the court house for family that couldn't be there?

I'm so sorry that you feel like you are getting robbed because of all of this - it just doesnt seem fair does it? I mean most little girls dream of their weddings.

I also like the idea of renewing the vows at the reception later.

If you need to talk or vent - feel free to PM me. We are all here for you!

[caligal85]

Oh ladies. Thank you so much for your support. I've been kind of a mess all day today. We were just watching Hancock and I started tearing up. I go between sad and angry and just plain depressed. I appreciate so much how thoughtful you've all been.

We will be still having our reception in Michigan on our proposed date. I'll probably wear my dress again but I don't want to do another ceremony. I don't think I could do it without being an emotional mess and that's not at all what I want. As far as not having our families at the wedding in May, it's mainly because all our families live back east and they can't afford to travel out here. They would be here if they could, at least I think they would.

I'm just so emotionally drained. I went from having renewed energy to plan the wedding to totally wiped out. My dad really wanted me to come home this weekend but I can barely get up in the morning, let alone put on a happy face for an entire weekend. I think I just need a break. I'm probably not going to be on for a little while so I can recharge my batteries. I appreciate you ladies so much but just need a little distance from all things wedding for a bit. I love you guys and thank you again for your support.

[amisteratwisterandme]

Will miss you!

Take the time to recharge yourself, and we will all be waiting here for you!!

[gwenshack]

We :heart: Sara!

[tha_mrs]

Okay. Take as much time as you need, I am sure the ladies of OW will be here when you return. Sometimes it takes taking a step back, getting a deep breath, and returning refreshed.

[acidcookie]

Best of luck in figuring things out. I understand needing some time away! We'll welcome you back when you're ready!

[Docsgirl]

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry! I hope you can find a solution that will make you happy and feel on top of the world on your big day. Take all the time you need and we'll be here for you whenever you need support!

[ChristineLS]

I wish you only the best in getting everything figured out, and hope only the best happens for you.

[Moon.Dust.]

I'm so sorry I only found this thread today!!

all I have are tons of hugs and my support. I'm so sorry!!

[Nekochanpurr]

I'm so sorry!! :( Things will get better! You will end up with a husband in the end. *^^* I still look forward to hearing about your wedding. You'll be beautiful.