I need your opinions.

[sue czamara]

Here is the situation. Bride is in her forties,(first marriage), Groom is in his sixties, (second marriage)/ The couple has a house and have been living together for eighteen years. The couple thinks the mother of the bride should pay for part or all of the reception. Please reply.

[Whitewater]

So -- why are you involved in this? Are you the bride? One of the parents? A concerned friend?

What do YOU think is appropriate? Personally I would assume that two mature individuals who have their own home and so on should be able to afford their own reception. If they can't, then perhaps they ought to rein in their expectations just a tad.

However, if the parents want to give this couple a financial gift, seeing as how the bride is a first-timer and all, there's nothing that says they can't. BUT a gift is just that, a gift, and it would be in poor taste for the engaged couple to *expect* financial assistance, given that they've made their own lives and presumably (given their ages) have their own financial assets.


Whitewater

[SerendipityCrafts]

Nope - my personal feeling is that they are on their own. All Mother has to do is show up (if she feels like it) :)

[gwenshack]

Yeah, I'm with Elizabeth. They should pay on their own.
I think once a couple has been together for 18 years they should probably pay for their own wedding. I also think that somebody in his 60s shouldn't want his FMIL to pay for his wedding. That just seems weird to me, not to pass any judgments!

[WebLady]

The standard etiquette is that the brides family pays for the majority of the wedding. However, this comes from a time when the bride lived with and was fully supported by her parents until she was married.

These days while it is still fairly common for the parents to help out when they can, it is generally with younger couples and first time brides.

Me; I would not personally expect the parents to do much in this case. If they are financially able and want to help out, then great! But I would not ask or expect anything of them.

All the best :grinhappy:

[SerendipityCrafts]

I also think that somebody in his 60s shouldn't want his FMIL to pay for his wedding.

I don't get it. Considering their circumstances and their age, I have to wonder how they could be comfortable taking money from Mom/FMIL.

[sandy03]

I wouldn't expect any help. If the mother has offered to help contribute to her daughter's special day then it can be figured into the budget, but I don't think it's the couple's place to expect that if it hasn't been offered.

[Katie-ryn]

Seeing as I don't even like the idea of bride's parents having to pay for the wedding in any situation I'm gonna be a bit biased.... but... If you're living on your own (or with your future spouse), especially for 18 years, be an adult and pay for it yourself. By living on your own for 18 years you've shown you care independent, and you have probably (should have) had a job, so you should have saved some of that money.

The parents in this situation are probably retired, if not close to it. If they're retired they're probably on fixed income. How could anyone hold out their hand to their elderly parents without blinking an eye? Seriously!? This has to be a troll post, because I don't know anyone so cold hearted.

My mom is in her 40's and her BF is in his either 50's or 60's I don't remember. My mom has never been married, he has. I could not imagine in a million years my mom or my mom's BF EVER looking for money from my elderly grandparents.

[EarlyBird]

while i see both sides of the coin here i have to agree that as the MALE i wouldnt feel comfortable. its his second wedding and he has obviously done a good job to provide for him and his future wife until now. However, as the other side, i know even if i was in my 50s- if it was my first wedding my parents would insist on paying for the wedding. i mean i am in my 20s but in the same situations, fully self suported and own a home etc, my parents are paying for it b;c they want to. It really is up to the individual but for it to ever be EXPECTED is unreasonable and selfish!

[ally20o7]

It really is up to the individual but for it to ever be EXPECTED is unreasonable and selfish!

Agreed.

Just reiterating what everyone else has said. Things should never be assumed, it makes an a$$ out of you and me.

[RosieAngel]

While my father offered me wedding money before I was even engaged (FYI - I was 24 and living with my husband for 4.5 years), I never expected it. It did make me feel happy and loved, though, so if you are a parent who can afford to contribute and wants to, I'd recommend giving something.

If Dad hadn't offered, I would have bought a white cocktail dress at Nordstrom, gotten my hair and nails done, gone down to the courthouse with my husband, gone out to dinner with the parents and our best friends as a "reception", and maybe gone on a road trip down to Moro Bay as a honeymoon.

I loved my little wedding and thought it was the best ever, but I know that it would have been just as special if we had done something simpler!

[fireprincess2009]

I'm 35, FH is 36. We've been together for 10 yrs and built a home together. I do not expect anyone but us to pay for our wedding. My parents offered repeatedly and I told them if they want to give us a monatary gift, we'd graciously accept but I feel that at our age, and theirs, the responsibility of paying for our wedding rests squarely on our shoulders.

[Ties-necktie]

Nope - my personal feeling is that they are on their own. All Mother has to do is show up (if she feels like it) :)

Completely agreed! If she had gotten married 20 years ago then my opinion would be a little different. I think after 40 years, it is time to give back to the parents. How old is the mother? In her 60s?

[burnsgirl001]

i'm 21 years old and am a first time (and only time lol) bride. when my FH and i got engaged, we talked to my parents about what we wanted, etc. etc. i made it clear to them that we fully expected to pay for the wedding ourselves.
my parents decided to give us a monetary gift--it was our choice what we did with it. we are choosing to put it towards our wedding. we are very appreciative.
personally, i dont think that you should expect someone else to pay for your wedding, no matter what your age or circumstances.
but thats just me.
anyways, good luck to the couple.

[SarahPearl]

At their age, they shouldn't be relying on their parents for financial aid. Especially since they already own a home.

In my culture, the groom is suppose to pay for the wedding (seeing that he is taking away the daughter from her family). I guess that's suuuuper old fashioned. lol.
Needless to say, American tradition calls for the bride's parents paying for the wedding, and so that's what my parents are going to do.
For sure if I wasn't living with them and I was out on my own, then I woudn't expect one cent from them.

[RosieAngel]

In my culture, the groom is suppose to pay for the wedding (seeing that he is taking away the daughter from her family). I guess that's suuuuper old fashioned. lol.

A little OT, but what culture are you? I've never heard of this, being an American girl, but it makes more sense to me than our way of doing things!

[SarahPearl]

A little OT, but what culture are you? I've never heard of this, being an American girl, but it makes more sense to me than our way of doing things!

Lol..I'm half dominican/half filipina..FH is full filipino..
I claim more of my asian side then my latina side..:grinhappy:

In the filipino culture they typically still follow a sort of "dowry" system..lol.
His parent's are 2nd generation filipinos sooooo paying for the wedding was not an option for them..which I totally understand.

But all my cousins from the Philippines ask me why we're paying for the weddin..lol..it's pretty interesting when I explain it to them..

The difference in cultures is pretty cool though..:grinhappy:

[Thalia_themuse]

A friend of mine is Spanish and they follow a similar tradition - the groom pays for the wedding, and all the bride has to pay for is her dress.

Back on topic: I don't quite understand why they are expecting the MoB to pay... I don't think an expectation really helps in any circumstance like this. The MoB is no doubt in her sixties or older? Seeing as that is approaching retirement I would think it is a bit rough to expect her to pay for things. If either set of parents wishes to gift the couple with money then fine, but I don't think they should be expecting it.

[girlggc]

I think that's nice if the mob wants to pay, but I think it's wrong to expect or demand it.

[Kay]

FF & I are both in our mid-30s. Never been married. No kids. Not living together and will not do so. We both are "starting life late" ~ graduated from college (both of us) in the last 4 years, he's only been on his job 3 years & I just started my job. This will be our one-and-only fairytale wedding and we DO expect my parents to offer to pay (at least for the reception) and his parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Our ages matter NONE to us because we are young at heart and have waited a long time for this.

However... we both have a financial plan to have WELL OVER $20K in our savings in UNDER 4 years... with plenty of room to spare... and would never dream of living together 18 years and THEN expect someone to pay for our wedding. To each his own but this seems QUITE odd to me...

[bluejay]

We are paying for our own wedding ceremony/reception. We've been together for 19 yrs and also own a home together. I might(if I can budget it) buy my mom a nice outfit to wear. My mother, though, wants shrimp at the reception and I really don't have it budgeted for that extra, so if she desires the shrimp she can pay for that. All I want is for her to come looking beautiful and light the unity candle and just be with me for my(hopefully) perfect day!