What do you expect from your bridal party?

[amisteratwisterandme]

I know this seems like an odd question, but reading other posts about the MOH and BP not doing there jobs got me wondering. With all the wedidngs I have been involved in (and there have been alot) the MOH usually does the bridal shower, with the help of the bridesmaids and family but they don't spend alot of time helping with anything else. If they do, it is because they want to and not because it is expected.

I have been a flower girl, bridemaid, Maid of Honor, server, florist, organizer, pretty much everything except best man. All of these weddings I have helped out where needed (hence the server) but not once did any of the brides say: Do this, Do that, she's not helping, I should have picked someone more reliable etc.

So what do you expect out of your bridal party and when you ask them to stand up with you do you make your expectations clear then or expect them to just know?

Just curious. I am going to have my sister stand up with us, and my only expecatation is that she finds an appropriate dress and is there on time, and truly supposrts our marraige, which is what I think someone who stands up with you should do.

[BarceloMayaPalaceBride]

Hmmm....Good question! I suppose it depends on the circumstances of the wedding and your personality. With my DW, I don't expect anything out of the wedding party except that they have a good time. On the other hand, when my best friend got married here in CO, I was her MOH and helped with a lot of little details. It's funny because she started getting a bit stressed out about last minute things and I looked at her and told her NOT TO WORRY and that I would take care of it all. There were a lot more people at her wedding, and she had more details to worry about. I've heard a lot of nightmare bridal party stories, but as long as you choose someone dependable I'm sure you have nothing to worry about!

[f77g4]

I think it all depends on the wedding and bridal party. Personally, since I am planning to do a lot of do it yourself projects to help cut costs, I would like if they were involved and to help so that I'm not doing whatever project by myself for 200 guests, etc. However, I do understand that they also have their own lives - husbands, kids, school,etc and if they can't that is fine. I just think it would be fun working on these types of projects with others rather then doing it by myself.

In the end I don't want to be bridezilla and I want everyone to have a good time.

[gwenshack]

Oooooh, good question!

I have been in every wedding I have ever been to, save for ONE, and I've been to a lot of weddings. I can say, honestly, that some brides have been very kick back and cool, not expecting much except for us to show up, and others have been full-on, kill me now, pain in the a&&, do everything I say because it's MY DAY bridezillas.

They are a little less fun to work for.

So, my expectations for my wedding party are the following:

1. Show up
2. Have a drink with me before the ceremony
3. Wear something black
4. Have a drink with me after the ceremony
5. Um, could you hang on to the ring I'm suppposed to give FH while I walk down the aisle? Cool, thanks.

Yep, that's it. No showers, no bachelorette parties, no added expectations, no added expenses. I just can't ask people to do that sort of stuff for me. I have a hard time thinking I'm that important to ask people, even my friends, to go out of their way.

[sandy03]

At the moment, all I really expect my bridesmaids to do is get fitted for their dress and tell me the size since I'm buying them. I am very frustrated with one of my bridesmaids because I have sent multiple messages and gave her 3 months to go try on the dress and she STILL hasn't done it (now one month past the deadline I gave her). I don't think I'm being too overly demanding and it does concern me a little that she can't do this one thing.

At this point I haven't asked them to do anything else yet, but I may ask them to help me address invitations closer to time. But at that point, it would be ASKING, not demanding or expecting.

I know my Maid of Honor is planning to give me a shower and bachelorette party, but that is what she chose to do. She actually got kind of upset when I asked if I could plan my own bachelorette party because it was something she really enjoys doing. We just talked about what we both wanted out of this whole bride/MOH relationship and it has been really helpful. I'm hoping to sit down with each of my girls a little closer to time and have similar conversations and hopefully that will make everyone's lives easier!

[Kay]

This is an interesting question.

Well, for starters, they will obviously ALL be happy for me. I'm not going to have people standing-up there "just because" or to fill space ~ that seems silly to me.

Secondly, and this is a little tricky, I expect each of them to buy/pay for their own dress. When I ask each of them, I will say, "You will have to buy a dress, is this okay?" I hate saying that but I want to I let them know up-front. I don't think it will be a monetary issue for any of them, however.

I don't expect anything else out of them. If I somehow get a shower, great. If I get a Bachelorette party, that's cool but I don't care for one.

The only person I EXPECT lots n' lots n' lots from (besides myself) is my MOH i.e. my wonderful sister! HA This is sort of a joke but seriously, the girl can do wonders with decorations, has a great creative mind, and will be a SUPER BIG help decorating and pulling together final details. My only point of sadness is that she is in Seattle, Washington and I am in Missouri. So, I will also expect her to come to Missouri (with her son and husband) for my wedding. We have discussed this already and she is planning to come in for an entire week (yay!) so she is fully aware of my GREAT EXPECTATIONS for her! :winktongue: ha

The other girls... show-up, be on time, smile... other than that... I just want happiness for us...

[Kay]

I wanna say something else...

I was recently a BM in a wedding and I was expected to do A LOT of things I did not want to do and did not even want to be in the wedding, to be honest. I thought it was ridiculous that the bride expected so much out of all of us when we barely knew her.


*She called and asked me to be a BM, I accepted, and then I hung-up the phone and looked at my FF and said "I barely know her!" (I had only met her twice before this phone call) Unfortunately, she is my FSIL (she married my FF brother) so I felt obligated to be in the wedding and he wanted me in his brother's wedding. I had to buy my own dress, shoes, hair ribbon, plus travel 5 hours, miss 3 days of work, etc... for someone I barely know.

*The FBIL asked ME to throw her a bridal shower ~ 5 hours from where she lives and where she has NO friends, contacts, etc. When I mentioned this to his parents, they threw a fit and said it was very inappropriate ~ so they ended-up throwing them an engagement party to appease her.

*I was the only BM in our hometown and I was EXPECTED/ASKED to throw her a Bachelorette Party which I spent well over $125 on ~ and she even brought her MOH and another friend from out-of-town to this party ~ and neither of them offered to help with one dime or do anything for this party. They didn't even bring her gifts.

*We had to go out of town for 3 days for this wedding and she EXPECTED (pretty much demanded) that we show-up to help setup the wedding, do this, do that, etc. It was 3 days out of town that where we at least wanted to enjoy ourselves but instead, we were told we needed to be "here" at this time or "there" at that time ~ all a big mess.

Frankly... I should have said I didn't want to be in the wedding from day one but FF wanted me to be in his brother's wedding (he doesn't like her either) so I stuck it out for him... but ladies, whatever you do... don't EXPECT things from people. If you don't have REALLY GOOD friends that are honestly going to WANT to help, do it yourself.

[f77g4]

Exactly - I don't really want to expect them to do anything but I would definately like to think that they would help and want to.

[mitch]

So, my expectations for my wedding party are the following:

1. Show up
2. Have a drink with me before the ceremony
3. Wear something black
4. Have a drink with me after the ceremony
5. Um, could you hang on to the ring I'm suppposed to give FH while I walk down the aisle? Cool, thanks.

Yep, that's it. No showers, no bachelorette parties, no added expectations, no added expenses. I just can't ask people to do that sort of stuff for me. I have a hard time thinking I'm that important to ask people, even my friends, to go out of their way.

That sounds like Our Wedding.

Although i didn't ask Our Guests to wear certain colours. But they did all end up in Black, White, Grey or Red. With the exception of a couple of Kids. Although i was the only One in total Red. :D

I had no Hen Night, No Bridal Shower (The UK don't do them)
Our Male witness had the real rings and Our Grandson carried Two other rings i wear on a cushion. He did throw it LOL.

No worries, No stress, no drama and no added expense.

A couple of "I Do's" and a party. Was a brilliant day.

[f77g4]

That sounds like Our Wedding.

Although i didn't ask Our Guests to wear certain colours. But they did all end up in Black, White, Grey or Red. With the exception of a couple of Kids. Although i was the only One in total Red. :D

I had no Hen Night, No Bridal Shower (The UK don't do them)
Our Male witness had the real rings and Our Grandson carried Two other rings i wear on a cushion. He did throw it LOL.

No worries, No stress, no drama and no added expense.

A couple of "I Do's" and a party. Was a brilliant day.

I think the color for guests to wear referred just to her bridal party - like her attendants.

[mitch]

I think the color for guests to wear referred just to her bridal party - like her attendants.

Yeah i sussed that one out. But i was on about My Wedding. Where i had no "Bridal Party"

EVERYONE was one :rofl:

[f77g4]

Yeah i sussed that one out. But i was on about My Wedding. Where i had no "Bridal Party"

EVERYONE was one :rofl:

Ahh ok! Gotta...that is cool how your guests all wore your colors.

[gwenshack]

I think the color for guests to wear referred just to her bridal party - like her attendants.


Yep. :) Thanks for clarifying it for me! :)

[futurefuchsy]

I think that if you are doing a DIY wedding then you shouldnt expect your BP to help, If they dont want to. Some peoplt want to help,are good at it.others arent and you cant make them be martha . I have talked to my BM about this and they understand that Im not pressuring them to do things because I have been inthat situation, now I barley talk to that girl, she was such a bridezilla. If you ask someone to be in the weddingand they accept, there are things that are natually Involved, ie dress, if you are paying for that that is great,but most people dont. I really dont want a huge shower but my FMIL is insisting, so she is throwing it wiht the help of my family and other two Bm.

[Scrwballsgrl]

The only thing I really "expect" of them (I'm only having my two sisters & my cousin) is for them to be there for the wedding. Participate and enjoy any showers that might get thrown for me:) And be on time for whatever functions or get togethers we might have in regards to the wedding; ie. hair appointments, rehearsals etc. As long as we're all considerate of one another & everyone has a good time thats all I could ask:grinhappy:

[neebelung]

So what do you expect out of your bridal party and when you ask them to stand up with you do you make your expectations clear then or expect them to just know?


I expected NOTHING. Literally NOTHING.

Seriously, for the first few months we were engaged, I insisted I didn't WANT a wedding party, for the sole reason of I didn't want any of our friends to have "jobs" associated with our big day. I wanted them to be able to just come out, enjy the day and celebrate with us. I didn't want anyone to feel like they had duties they had to accomplish.

When we did finally decide to have just a MoH and BM, it was still just out of friendship and because they're important to us, not because I wanted them to DO stuff for us.

[kimekia5519]

Some (not all) of my bridesmaids have literally been begging to help me, so I've assigned them to some small tasks like helping prepare the bathroom baskets, and I will have them help with the programs. Outside of that, I just expect them to pay for their dresses and shoes...show up on time and have fun.

[Kay]

Okay, so I am going to "Change" or expand upon this thread, please.. :bbredface:

It is okay to ask your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, right??

I know that it will not be a financial burden on any of them however, I just feel so "awkward" in doing that ~ but I plan to ask them to do so upfront.

Any ideas or suggestions along this line? I do know etiquette says they pay for their dress (and I've paid for MANY in my time ~ I've been a bm soooo many times)... so, I'm just looking for suggestions/ideas and more than anything, reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. :bbeek:

[caligal85]

Some (not all) of my bridesmaids have literally been begging to help me, so I've assigned them to some small tasks like helping prepare the bathroom baskets, and I will have them help with the programs. Outside of that, I just expect them to pay for their dresses and shoes...show up on time and have fun.

My girls are that way too! I only have two, my two best friends in the whole world and they're so great but I don't know what to ask them to do. I know they want to throw me a shower and bachelorette party but they are three and 5 hours away. I am trying to take care of as many of their expenses that I can since I'm asking them to fly 3,000 miles. Basically, on the day of my wedding, I just want them to be available for emotional support and any thing else I might need.

[WBandMe]

We're just having a MOH and BM. When I asked my cousin to stand up with me, I told her right then all I need her to do is show up that day in the right color dress. I don't expect them to do showers or parties for us, or to help us make programs or whatever all we're doing. It's not their job. We do have our BM doing DJ duties at the reception... he's a DJ at a local radio station and we basically need someone to intro us and pop a CD in. I feel kind of like we're imposing but he and FH both say it's fine.

[EarlyBird]

Um i dont EXPECT anything except them getting their dress on time and showing up. HOwever, i hope that the ones that enjoy crafts etc will help our with the diy and have fun doing so. I also hope they will take part in all the fun parties we have planned, esp the one in their honor.. not to help out, but to be a part of, have a drink and have fun..

oh wait i DO expect them to stop me from passing out the day of the wedding