A Bride is Hurting from her Families' lack of affection

[zwielight]

This is another "I didn't get wedding gifts from my guests!" thread.

I am the bride, but please try to hear from my POV... We were married May 10.

My husband and I envisioned a lavish dinner and outdoor ceremony for our closest family members to celebrate our wedding. An eight-course chef's tasting menu perhaps...

But the sheer number of people in his family (he has three siblings and they each have "significants" -- another thought for later) forced me to up my side of the list to include a few cousins and aunts. Then his family required that the siblings of the parents be invited as well. You get the picture.

With over 40 people on the potential guest list, we had to scale down our dream wedding to a modest three-course dinner. It was lovely and everyone enjoyed themselves.

On my side of the family, only the aunts and uncles were invited. At the last minute, the adult children were also included (as final numbers indicated there would be less on my side present... we wanted to keep the "sides" equal)

And we really didn't receive any gifts... we are a conservative Christian couple who did not live together before, so we were truly using the registries as an opportunity to build our households.

Invitations were sent directly to the adult children of my uncles and aunts as well as to the uncles and aunts. The children just assumed their parents would take care of it, I guess.

Who we did not receive gifts from:

--My mother's brother. Very close with them. He has two adult daughters who are almost like sisters to me. 4 people attended from this family.

--My father's sister. Close relationship. Two adult children. 3 people attended from this family.

--My husband's brother!! He insisted upon bringing his girlfriend with whom he is cohabiting and has no intention of marrying. I wanted to stipulate that only spouses or engaged significants were invited, but my husband refused, as this affected both one of his brothers and sisters who are shacking up.

--My husband's uncle. None of them came, but I think it would have been a kind gesture to at least send a card to welcome me to their family.



Thanks for making it this far with me.



I am sincerely hurt by my family members. It is less about the "stuff" than about the rudeness for not congratulating us or wishing us well. We did not receive cards from anyone who did not give a gift. It was a big day for us, and we chose to share it with a very select few people, who in return, did not make us feel special or give us the impression that they felt honored to share our special day with us.

Now, I have no desire, for example, to buy my husband's brother a Christmas present. When I am someday invited to my adult cousins' weddings, I have no desire to give them a gift.

I am deeply hurt, saddened, and disappointed.


Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[BarceloMayaPalaceBride]

I'm sorry :( It's disappointing when you feel let down by family members. Sadly, some people lack etiquette, and don't realize that if you attend a wedding, you really should bring a gift, or a card if money is an issue. Like you said, it's the thought that counts. I'm sure you're also very bummed because you would have bought a gift for all those people mentioned, who didn't get you one. I would keep your chin up, and try and take it with a grain of salt. Try and always be the better person, and always continue to show them you care. Maybe you need a good night out with the girls to celebrate your new marriage, and to get some stress of your chest!!! You deserve it!!! ;)

[WBandMe]

I do understand where you're coming from, and I'm very sorry you're hurt, but here are a couple things to consider. First, is not having everyone you care about more important than having some people you care about and a more lavish meal? Second, you guys did CHOOSE to up your side of the list based on his. I understand the want to have symmetry and whatever, but if it was that super important you still could have made cutbacks on your side. And last, technically guests have a year to send you a gift. I don't honestly think it's particularly likely, but there is still the chance some people just haven't done it. I'm sorry you feel so let down by your family, but really no one is required to give a gift at all, even if you are just building up your home. (I know, I know, that doesn't mean that it doesn't still suck.)

One last thing, Christian conservative you may be and that's fine, but that doesn't mean everyone must be. If ever you've indicated to his brother for example that you don't approve of his "shacking up" (which to him is a clearly important relationship) that might explain why at least one gift went missing. I noticed a lot of anger/judgment coming out in your post which is understandable, but it sounds like you're kind of blaming the guests for you guys not being able to have the 8 course dinner. Is it possible that your resentment could have been made known to some of them? That could be another reason no one jumped on the gift train. Just wondering.

[gwenshack]

I'm sorry you are disappointed and hurt, but presents aren't a sure thing - they're a lovely bonus. The real gift is being able to spend the rest of your life with the one that you love. The secondary gift is being able to share the moment you all made vows with the people you are closest to. Another gift is having so many people to invite, even if it put a damper on your food plans. Some people don't have anybody to invite.

You can buy the other stuff!

[zwielight]

Thanks for the super fast responses here. I know it's hard to really get advice from complete strangers who don't know the situation.

Regarding the shacking up, both of our families are very conservative, so these two children are thought of as the black sheep. I am certainly not the only one who didn't think it was appropriate to have, at such a small wedding, the family portraits filled with people that, in 5 years, will most likely not be there anymore. My husband shares this opinion but did not wish to cause an issue by asking them to come alone (this wasn't a dance wedding where you need a partner... again, just a small dinner)

I think the problem I am really having is that yes, it's great to have people to invite, and yes, the point is to share the special day with family and who cares if they give you a present. But... I am now second guessing relationships with them. Am I not important enough to shell out $20 for some placemats? They couldn't run to the gas station and get a "Congrats" card for $2? Why not?

This is starting to affect the way I view my relationships with them. Yes it's easy to say "take the high road" but I don't know if I want to...?

Please don't judge me, I'm asking for insight here. Yes I sound angry and resentful -- I am!

And that's why I'm posting on an anonymous forum. To get some advice.

[WebLady]

I am sorry you are hurt and upset by this ... since you posted in the etiquette forum, it is not "required" for wedding guests to send gifts. Sure it is common and often expected, but typically it is the bridal shower where people should give gifts.

Also; it is often considered inappropriate to bring a gift to the wedding. Some say you can send the couple a gift up to 6 months after the wedding.

There could be any number of reasons these people didn't give a gift (or maybe they sent it in the mail and it is lost?), but I really would try not to let it get to you that much. Sure I might be a little hurt, but I would get over it. What good will it do to dwell over it?

All the best :)

[neebelung]

Please don't judge me, I'm asking for insight here. Yes I sound angry and resentful -- I am!


Not judging you, but going to be honest with you here: you're sounding a wee bit like a spoiled child who didn't get the pony they wished for on their birthday. As stated above, gifts aren't gauranteed - they're just what they say they are -- a GIFT.

Sure, etiquette says they're the proper thing to do, but etiquette also advises against being ungrateful, which is what you're kind of being.. rather than just being thankful that you were surrounded by family and loved ones on your big day, you're keeping score on who gave (or didn't give) what!

And that's why I'm posting on an anonymous forum. To get some advice.

Advice? Get over it. Seriously. Sorry to be harsh, but you asked for advice, and that's the best I can give you. Move on, and enjoy your newlywed life with your husband.

And whatever you do, don't let this affect your relationships with these people -- you have only just begun your new life with your husband, and this is only the first of MANY challenges and hurdles you'll encounter. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is. If you decide to not buy presents for these people for Christmas, etc... just out of spite, then you're no better than they are (and spite is not a Christian value last I checked)....

Instead, as a good Christian, why don't you count your blessings, and appreciate all of the wonderful things that you DO have in your life (like your health, your relationship with your husband and with God, and your families) rather than worrying about the "stuff."

Good luck, and congratulations on your marriage.

[amisteratwisterandme]

I have spent most of my life being forgotten for special occassions. Up until last year, the last gift I received from my father was a cabbage doll when I was 14! (Yep, he thought 14 a doll was an age appropriate gift for a 14 year old) I am now 35, and he has called me for the last two years on my birthday. Before that, Nada. My mom forgot my birthdays from the age of 14 to 17, and would apologize and that was about it. And Christmas? Mom was a single parent, and I would go shopping for her to pick out there gifts. By the time it rolled around to me, the money was all gone. There was one year where my brother got a nintendo, and I recieved a box of chocolate covered cherries and a package of underwear. So I think I can honestly say that I understand how it feels to be slighted.

However, I also know that my mom and dad did the best they could with the available tools they had. Did it hurt me? Absolutley, but it was never the basis of our relationship.

I then spent a good deal of my adult life buying my way into relationships. I even went so far that I had a "goody box" in my house so that when any kids came over, I had a present for them. I thought I had to prove their value in my life. I got over that really quickly, and have since learned that what they actually value, is time with me. My 3 year old neice loves for me to come over and play, without bringing her a surprise.

Don't value people on what they give to you. Value people for the kindness and goodness in their heart.

One other thing, as a christian I would like to remind you to let God be the judge of others' and their choices. You don't have to approve of anyone's life style, but it is not for you to judge. You have the right to let them know how you feel about their decisions, but you don't have the right to treat them as less then yourself based on their choices. It is between them and their God.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think there is anything worse than feeling insignificant to those that you are closest to. In some ways, isn't that what your BIL and SIL feel? Because they aren't accepted for who they are?

[zwielight]

I'm not sure where people are getting the idea that I am rude to my husband's brother and sister. I have never said anything to them regarding their significants, I only told my husband that I didn't feel like I was being true to myself morally by inviting people that were not family to my wedding. My husband and I chose not to invite very, very dear friends to our wedding (due to cost mostly) for the sake of "it's family only," and I still would have rather had two of my husband and my friends in place of the possibly random significants that may not be "in the family" for very long. People are reading more into this. My husband initially approached his brother and sister with the "family only" label, and they both saw where the conversation was going, and requested their significants be invited. My husband obliged. I was not there. End of story.

Again it is hard to paint an accurate picture in just a few sentences to complete strangers.

To those posters who have called me spoiled and childish, may I reiterate that it is not about the stuff? It's about the feeling, the feeling of not being important enough to be recognized. To anyone who would say showing up at a wedding is proof that they care, I'm not so sure. Who would say no to a free lavish dinner at an upscale restaurant?

I never claimed to be a perfect Christian, and I feel uncomfortable with those who hold religion over my head.

I think people can be quite cruel when they type things anonymously. I have a sad feeling that I cannot shake, and I suppose it was my mistake to look to random third parties to try and help me with it.

Maybe it's best to close the discussion, as I was just trying to get some opinions. To those with an open mind who truly wished to help in their responses, I thank you.