Words aren't enough.

[CarlosHoney]

If there was a way to combine the blue frownie and the red Grrr face, that's what I'd do.

I'm trying to get things worked out with Carlo. We need to communicate better, and get our finances straight. I've been staying home, and I'm trying really hard at this. I asked him three different questions today.. Just things that I wanted him to answer because I wanted his input. One was how he felt about me breastfeeding.. Just wanted to know what he thought of it. I get the feeling that he gets jealous about it.. Like, it's taking away from his relationship with Elias? I don't know if I'm just crazy.. But I was just asking.

Another was about his job. He hates it. It doesn't make him happy.. So tonight we went to dinner and I brought it up.. Like, what he wanted to do. I don't want him working a job he hates.

The last one I asked before he went to sleep. I asked what he wanted me to do. If he wants me to get a part time job, etc. All three questions were things that I'm concerned about.. Each time he asked me why I was asking, then gave some vauge, half mumbled answer.. Why can't he talk to me? We need to be able to talk to one another!

I've mentioned several times about picking up extra work. I talked to him about babysitting a couple of kids during the day... and he thinks that it's a bad idea (I can't handle it) and says no.

I haven't been posting much lately.. I've been trying to keep up with the housework. I feel like I'm lagging behind on it. I'm feeling kind of depressed about the wedding.. Like I've thought and talked so much about it that there's nothing left to do. Here it is the 30th and he hasn't brought up anything related to what he needs. Yet another thing for me to do. Joy.

We're not in a great financial situation. Money that I wanted to spend on the wedding got spent on that Native American Church meeting.. Like hundreds of dollars. You're supposed to gift the officers for working through the ceremony, but he spent like, at least, $600 on the gifts. He could have gotten them all something a little less extravagant and spent $300, and used the money he didn't spend on his shoes and suit and tie and attendant gifts. I don't know what we're going to do. We're so broke right now.. I'm just stressed.

I'm doing everything I can to save money. Cliping coupons (I saved $30 at the grocery store that way) and not eating out but once a week, and I just am at the end of my rope. The couple that booked with me hasn't sent that retainer yet.. And I feel insecure that they're not going to book with me.

ETA: I'm just feeling fragile. Maybe this is a little bit of the Baby Blues setting in. I just feel empty in my chest, and I want to cry. I've been catching up on laundry all day, and working on getting the house clean and no matter how much I do, it feels like it isn't enough. I'm being streched too thin. All this stuff with my Mom, and Carlo is depressed about his job, and he seems more excited about the new Tool record coming out than he does about the wedding. We still haven't gotten our rings.

It's a month away, and I just feel slightly hopeless. The invitations should be at their destinations by Monday. I got so excited upon finding out that one of my BM's got her dress and shoes. I know that once we get closer it's going to get more exciting, I just don't feel it right now. I'm getting a touch of cold feet.

I think that today I reached a point. I was talking to my Aunt on the phone about everything with my Mother, my Brother, my Family.. and when I got off the phone Carlo told me that I'm talking too much about what happened with my Mom. I got really upset. I mean, yeah, so? He talks nonstop about this album that is comming out, and it is just a freaking album. He and his best friends are having a listening party (he requested the days off well over a month ago. Still hasn't gotten off for the wedding), and I'm not going. Let's just say, they're partaking in some colorful party favors, and a nursing mother really can't. We used to do those kids of things before Elias came along, but I don't feel comforable with that. He's so excited about it. The album leaked and I downloaded it and burned it on CD. I haven't listened to the whole thing yet (He's saving the first listen for the get together) and he keeps asking about it. Have you listened to it? What do you tihnk of it. OMG, is it awesome? Does he ask about the wedding?

I need to wrap this up. I'm getting emotional.. He just hasn't done anything at all for the wedding. Nothing. Not even the music, and he's a musician. I just don't understand. Why doesn't he want to be part of this? He knows that it's important to me. He doesn't talk to me about anything that I ask about. He doesn't want to take me to the grocery store. We haven't bought our wedding rings yet and it's a month away!! I just feel a bit overwhelmed and hopeless. Maybe this is my pre-wedding meltdown.. I just need help! Those invitations sat, addressed, assembled, and everything for almost two weeks before he took me to the post office. Two weeks. I told him, too. I said "I'll bet if I don't remind you, they'll sit and sit for two weeks at least." Finally, I told him on Tuedsay that we had to go. He pushed it back to Wednesday. Then, on Wed I got Elias ready, got my addresses for the postcard and package exchanges, and everything. Well, then he took so long with his shoes that the post office was closing by the time we were leaving. So, Thursday we went, and I forgot the addresses, so my packages are going out tomorrow. I just am at my wits end that's all.

I do everything but earn the money in this house. What else does he want from me? I can't do this anymore. I just want him to take an interest in my life. Offer to watch Elias so that I can take a bath, or read a book, without me asking for it. I'm not sure what is going on with him. I'm just tired...

Well, that's that. Sorry for the long vent. I just needed an outlet. I haven't been around much, so now you know why. :(

[LaceyinPgh]

Ok, Carrie, I 'm going to say something that might not make me too popular. But I feel that someone needs to say it to you. I apologize in advance if it upsets you because you don't need that right now. I also apologize if it offends the other girls.

But, I really don't think that you and Carlo need to get married just yet. I have known you on this board for a while now. You have said a lot of things. I think that you and Carlo need to step back and seriously assess your relationship. It might not hurt to see if you can figure out a way to get some pre maritial counseling too. You need to work on communication. If you can't communicate with your partner you don't have anything there. I also think tha Carlo needs some help sorting out his priorities. Does he want to be dad and husband which is a 100% committment that forces him to give up a lot of work he does for his church, a lot of his music, his "recreational" activities with friends, ect? Or does he still want to do all of that? Unfortunately for the both of you, those two worlds don't melt together into one. Just because you guys have matching rings on your finger doesn't mean he is going to change in Ward Clever overnight.

Carrie, if I remember correctly, in the last year or so you have lost your brother, lost a relationship with your mother, started a good relationship with your dad, decided to get married, and had Elias. Those are all HUGE changes in a person's life. Some people will go years with a change that big. You have had five. Take a step back and look at your situation. I know that you love Carlo. But, you can't survive on love alone. A marriage of course needs love. But it also requires a lot of communication, respect, mutual toleration, understanding, and compromise. I don't doubt one bit that you love each other but what about the other parts to that equation?

I'm just saying that it might be best for you all to post pone the wedding for 6 months, get into some counseling, and figure some things out. Trust me, post poning a wedding is a hell of a lot easier and cheaper than getting out of a bad marraige. Just becaue Elias is here doesn't mean that you HAVE to get married right away.

By the way, are you still seeing your doctor about your post partum depression? If not, you might want to head back to get that looked at too.

I hope I didn't upset you anymore than you already are. That wasn't my attention. I just want you to stop and look at the situation. Remeber that no matter what I will support you. Only Carrie knows what is best for Carrie. I just want to make sure you see things from all angels first.

[Jenn060306]

Carrie, I am sorry to hear you are having so many troubles. It's a bit scarey knowing that you're getting married in just a couple weeks now. It's a huge commitment.

I think you need to find someone to watch Elias for and evening and you and Carlo's need to sit down and seriously talk about your relationship and what each of you want to get out of it. Also you need to discuss your priorities and what you want to get out of life. I believe that there needs to be a change in priorities for Carlos. Going to couples counciling will help you guys work out the difficulties you are facing.
As for post-poning the wedding.... If one of you isn't 100% positive that this is what you want to do you should. Marriage is for the rest of you life. It's not a decision that should be taken lightly. You need to do what is best for you.
Carrie you are such a wonderful person! You care so much for other's, i really don't want to see you get hurt. Take care of yourself. Elias needs you to be happy, healthy, and strong. Please talk to your Dr. about being depressed, and look into some counciling for you and Carlos.
Good Luck. We're here for you.

[Teribridetobe]

Carrie,

I just want to say that I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. I am not good at giving advice.I can sure listen. It sounds like you are a gem. And trying your best. I'm sorry I can't offer any thing else to this. I hope that eveything works out for you.:hug:

[WhiskeyGirl]

Carrie

I'm also very sorry that you are going through all this. And Lacey, I agree with you.

Carrie, there are some of us who have known you for quite a while and we know what a wonderful person you are. However, its like Lacey said, so much has happened in your life, big events, perhaps you should let them sink in a little more before making the trip down the aisle. Couples counselling would probably benefit you. It would also help Carlo to get his priorities straight! I'm sorry but he should NEVER have spent all that money on a church, when there are other things like food and stuff for the baby! I remember you were saying a while back how he split on you and went to some church thing and left you and Elias with no food!! That isn't right!! As a father his priorities should be for his son and his Fiance first, then food and other necessities, then FINALLY the church! You need to dial him in (like Dr Phil would say! :wink:) and see if he wants what you want for the long haul!! I hope everything works out for you, you deserve much happiness Hun! And remember, don't feel pressure to get married because the invites are in the mail, you HAVE to make sure that this is the right thing you are doing!! Take care.

Shawna

[CarlosHoney]

Thank you for the kind words, hugs, and support. We do need to evaluate things. I think we're going to do this today, while Carlo is off work. We are going to get counseling, and I made an appointment with my psycholigist.. So, yes. My depression is going to be addressed.

Lacey, I caught a couple of typos... You were tying pretty furiously, eh? ;)

Elias has been really grumpy from the teething, and woke up every 2 hours last night. So I was feeling very cranky this morning.. He's squirming in my lap right now, cooing and babbling.. Being generally cute. I'm babbling too, I guess.

I think that it's just hard. Knowing that I've wanted this kind of commitment for a long time, and when it's staring me in the face, some of that sureness goes away and I'm not very brave. I really just want to know that I'm doing the right thing. I just want everything to be okay. Deep down, I want my brother back. There's a hole that he left that I'm just coming to terms with, and I think that everything in my life that has happened is combining into some strange beast.

Carlo hates his job, so that contributes to the problem. The thing that he doesn't act on is that he's a musician! He's a good one too.. And he could play at bars and clubs a few nights a week and we would be in great financial shape. I really wouldn't need any extra income.

Thanks again for listening. I'm going to set things up for a nap-time discussion later. Elias goes down for a nap around 4 ususally, so while he's napping we're going to talk. He's going to tell me how he feels and wht he really wants, and I'm going to listen.

[Kacie_bride]

I agree with Lacey and Shawna. Have you ever heard the song Shoes Don't Stretch and Men Don't Change? Well most of the time it's true. I have two friends right now that are going through awful divorces. They had some of these same problems with their husbands before they were married and now both of them are going through nasty divorces. I'm not saying that you should walk away totally. I just think you guys need to seek some help from a professional. I think you should do as Lacey said and postpone it for awhile. Maybe not even set a date yet until you can sorts these things out and make sure it is what you want. Good luck and we love you Carrie.

[MOB Karen]

Good luck, Carrie, and we're here for you either way you decide to go.

[WebLady]

Carrie I am sorry you are going through all this ... I know you must be overcome with all sorts of emotions :hug:

I agree with Lacey and Shawna ... remember, even if you decide to postpone the wedding doesn't mean that you don't love each other and that you won't ever get married. It is better to take the time to get over these issues you guys are having now and work on it before it becomes a bigger problem after you are married.

If I was you I would right out all my feelings down on paper and make sure you hit on everything that is bothering you ... this works for me because sometimes in the 'heat' on a discussion, I forget something.

Anyway, I see that you are going to try to talk to Carlo about things tonight ... so I hope you guys can work it out.

Best wishes :hug:

[brewsells]

:hug:Carrie, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I wasn't here yesterday, so I wasnt' able to give you my input.. I agree with what all the ladies had to say. Communication is THE MOST important thing in a relationship. I, myself, had to learn that. And it had to be brought to my attention that I was not doing so. Perhaps Carlo doesn't quite understand that he isn't communicating as you need him to..

And it sounds like you sat down to talk to Carlo yesterday.. How did things go? I wish you the best of luck with this all. It can't be an easy thing for you.

[CindySue]

Carrie, Im sorry you are going through and like Lacey said "only Carrie knows whats best for Carrie".
About you working abd breast feeding, Men have mix feelings about this. My ex did too. He did want to feed the baby so I started pumping milk so he could. Aout you working, he may WANT you to do one thing, but NEEDS you to do something else and doesnt know how to handle the situation.
Good Luck Girl!

[CarlosHoney]

Well, we talked. It started as a fight (the first fight we've had in a long while) when he reminded me that I'm not bringing in any income. A lot of things were said, and in the end, we sat down and talked everything through. About breastfeeding, he's fine with it. Better for baby, better for me, and way way way better for our budget. ;)

He's depressed about our financial situation. That's what I found out that he hadn't really shared with me. He doesn't want me to go back to work, because he knows that I want to be here with Elias. We're going to talk more about what we can do for extra income. I think I am going to see if there are any kiddos I can watch while parents are working.

I told him that it seemed like he didn't want to get married right now.. That I gave him a short list of things he needed to do, and he didn't do any of them. I also told him that if he's afraid of Divorce, well, getting married when you don't want to is a sure way to do just that. He said that he does, and he agreed that counseling is a very good idea. His sister is getting divorced right now, and it's tearing her family apart.

I am going to stay with my Dad and brother for a week. I think that it will help give us some 'cool down' time, and we can think things through. I think that if I'm not here, and Elias isn't here, if/when he misses us, he'll understand what life would be if I wasn't around. I think that might be what we need to some extent.

I feel a lot better about everything, though. We actually talked. And, later on that evening, we talked again about things. I told him that he needs to start hearing me. Listening to what I say, and understanding that I wouldn't waste my breath if it wasn't important. He needs to start trusting me when I say that we need to go to the grocery store.. Because I actually told him on Saturday that we needed to go grocery shopping and he asked me if I was sure that we needed to go.. and then said that he thought we had more stuff. Well, that's not going to happen anymore.. We're setting aside money and going every Sunday. We went last Sunday, we went last night, and we're going next sunday, too.

My flight is going to be on Monday. I have a week to get things taken care of here, and then I'll be back the Monday after. This is something that I really really feel might help. I think that being somewhere else, I can relax and my Dad and Step-Mom will help me more with the baby (another issue that we addressed in our talk--he needs to be helping more) and I can sit back and rest. I want to spend time with my Brother, too. Plus, my Grandpa Ruth and Papa Jim probably can't make it down for the wedding, so I want to go see them. I want them to meet Elias.

Thank you ladies for your responses. I'm optomisitc that things are going to change, if only a little at a time. The wedding is still on, for now, but we're going to talk things over for the next couple of weeks, and see where we stand.

[MOB Karen]

Sounds great, Carrie. I wish you the best. Have a great time with your father and brother, where do they live?

[Kacie_bride]

Good luck Carrie. Have a good time with your family.

[brewsells]

Sounds like things went well for you Carrie. I'm glad you sat down and talked to him. I agree that some time apart will help. Every couple needs time apart now and then. Some more than others. Have a good time with your family and have a safe trip.. I will be thinking about you while you are gone.

[kheath10]

I haven't been a member long, but the girls here are great and I just want to say I'm sorry and I hope it all works out I have been haveing problems of my own but not really with the new hubby but seems like you need to put your foot down and get some closure like what are his plans I know your plans and they sound great but what does he thinK? well I wish you so much much luck. take care;)

[CarlosHoney]

My dad and little bro live in Hot Springs. The good new is, I'll be able to visit my wedding dress! ;) I'll post a pic while I'm there.

[MOB Karen]

My dad and little bro live in Hot Springs. The good new is, I'll be able to visit my wedding dress! ;) I'll post a pic while I'm there.

Ok, I totally am having a brain fart. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/fragend/confused-smiley-008.gif Where is Hot Springs? Yay!!! I can't wait till I see your wedding dress!!http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-033.gif

[ikkin510]

Carrie, I'm glad you finally got to sit down and have a serious talk with Carlos. Hopefully things start getting better for the two of you.
Have a good time visiting with your dad and brother. The relaxing time will be great just before the wedding. Have fun, and again, I hope everything works out for you!

[WebLady]

Glad you guys talked things out ... have a good time on your trip and be safe. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope everything works out for you.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Carrie

Its good to hear that you are getting somewhere! take care and have a safe trip Hun!!

[CarlosHoney]

Well, my trip got pushed back. We're having a yard sale (like, 3 or 4 people together) and the only time eveyone is avalable is the 13th. So, I'm going up on the 16th, probably flying home the Thursday before the weekend before the wedding. So, like, the 26th?

Things with Carlo are good. I threatened to go to my Dad's as a "We need to seperate for a while" thing.. And since I'm actually doing it.. Wow. He's flipped it all around. He's actually talking to me. It's great!:bbmrgreen:

Today I got to the *real* root of it all, too. He thinks that what I do isn't as hard because I get joy out of it. I get to see Elias smile at me when I'm changing a diaper.. And I get to snuggle with him until he falls asleep. I didn't even know that this was his thought behind everything. I feel a little better, but then again... Wow. He's just so mushy sometimes.:p

I've got a ton to accomplish for the wedding. Yikes! Here we go!

[Hayz]

I'm glad you guys are talking better now and the break with you dad sounds good to and it will give Carlo a chance to miss you guys.


Today I got to the *real* root of it all, too. He thinks that what I do isn't as hard because I get joy out of it. I get to see Elias smile at me when I'm changing a diaper.. And I get to snuggle with him until he falls asleep. I didn't even know that this was his thought behind everything. I feel a little better, but then again... Wow. He's just so mushy sometimes.:p



I was wondering have you ever gone out for a whole day with friends and left Carlo at home to look after Elias? If you haven't maybe it might be a good idea if you did. That way he will realise that yes there are the good things like smiles and snuggles but he will also be able to see that its not just all fun and games. Give him a list of the average things you do in a day like laundry, housework, getting tea ready etc that he has to do while looking after Elias. At least this way Carlo will get a taste of your average day and will hopefully be able to appriciate you and what you do more.

Good luck with things and with the rest of your wedding plans and I hope you have a really good week away.

[MOB Karen]

I was wondering have you ever gone out for a whole day with friends and left Carlo at home to look after Elias?
Excellent idea, Hayley!!!

Give him a list of the average things you do in a day like laundry, housework, getting tea ready etc that he has to do while looking after Elias.
That's so European! I love it!!!

[brewsells]

Excellent idea, Hayley!!!


That's so European! I love it!!!

LOL! I was going to say the same thing!
I think that's a great idea, Carrie. Men never do seem to quite understand that being an at home mom isn't all fun and games..

[bnd94]

Yeah Carrie he would probably be surprised to see that you probably do more work in a day than he does. :bblol:

Happy to hear that you two are working things out. Communication is one of the most important things in a successfull relationship. ;)

[CarlosHoney]

Wow! That is a GREAT idea!!! I might have to do that. He's stayed with the baby solo a few times, but not for more than a couple of hours. I'll have to try that. Really Great Idea!

[WhiskeyGirl]

I've heard that being a stay at home mom is as much work as three full time jobs!! YIKES!! lol

[CindySue]

Wow! That is a GREAT idea!!! I might have to do that. He's stayed with the baby solo a few times, but not for more than a couple of hours. I'll have to try that. Really Great Idea!
It is a good idea, but always backfired on me. The babies would be fussy and cranky all day and I would just HAVE to take a break. Id leave them with daddy so I could go do a few things and the kids would be perfect angels!

[rainbowtreat]

I loved it when I was home with my kids. I am hoping that it will work out thta after the wedding I can stay home again, my kid will be in school in the fall, but they can com ehome after and not to daycare.

Carrie I have been off here for a while but i read over everything. I am glad you 2 are finding ways to make thigns work. Good luck with every thing. Keep us posted.

I noticed the new pics of your hamsome boy your posted. He is growing so fast. He is so cute. You are one lucky mommy.