Could use some advice.

[rainbowtreat]

sorry in advance if this turns out to be long

Let me explain... My DH and I have a couple that we are great friends with. ( I will call the Fred and Ruth ) Ruth and I had grown close over the time we were planning our weddings. They got married 20 days before we did. We went to their wedding and they drove 7 hours to be at ours. We started hanging out more and more. The guys are like long lost brothers. They get along great and are like best friends. They have the same interests and can do nothing together all day. Now Ruth and I are some what close. She thinks we are closer then I think we are. We have alot of the same interest and we get along great but there are a few things that bugs me that I just let roll off my back and I go on. Things like... playing a board game, we have to go by the actual rules or atleast the way she has played before. If we are playing a game she doesn't understand or like she gets all upset and won't play it. Basicaly it is her way or no way most of the time. Not bad enough to get on our nerves we just know how she is. Over all she is a great person.

The big issue I have is the way she treats her husband. Now my biggest thins about this is that he needs to step up and stand up for himself. Besides that the problem I have with this is when it happens at my house. Let me give you examples....

If he starts to get on the computer she will ask him what are you doing, or don't even think about getting on that computer, or if he just sits in the computer chair she gets after him about not sitting with the rest of us.

We wil be watching something and if she has to get up for anything she will want it paused so she doesn't miss anything. Understandable. But if he gets up she doesn't want to pause it. She will say he will be fine I don't want to wait. ( it is all about her ) There have been times I would be putting the kids to bed and come down and they have started the show. I got pissy ( giving back to her ) and say thanks I didn't want to see it any way or thanks for waiting for me I want to see it to you know.

If he says something she doesn't like or agree with she gets after him and if he says something back she gets real pissy.


He gets upset and is all mad and she rolls her eyes and will say things like I hate you some times and stuff like that.

Just the other night they were over here and we were watching America's Got Talent. He was sitting next to her and she has her legs on him. He said something about not wanting to watch a bunch of guys dance. I joked with him saying maybe the rest of want to. He just smiled at me and said something silly. His wife spoke up and said real snotty like, no but when the ladies come on to dance your all for watching it or something like that. He treid telling her it didn't matter or that that was not called for. She was all mad and he tapped her legs just at that point to get up so she would move her legs. She said no your fine. He tried telling her quietly that he had to use the bathroom. She spoke up so we could all hear her and said no your fine just stay there. He actualy had to say then you explain to every one why it stinks in here. As if he realy wanted to say that to all of us. He had to push her legs off him so he could get up. She was all mad at him then.

The issue I have is that when they do this here it brings me down. I am the type of person that if I am around some one who is down in the dumps it brings me down. Also I don't want my kids around that. I don't want them seeing them bicker and hearing her sayign things like I hate him.

DH and I are not perfect. Yet we try to make sure if we have a disagreement we take it to another room away from every one and the kids. Or we will discuss it later. We try our hardest not to let the kids hear us. It doesn't always happen but we try. So no I don't want that negativaty around my kids. What are they going to do when their baby gets here.

There is alot more to this but I ahve rambled on long enough. I think you guys get what I am trying to say.

The advice I need is ..... How do I tell her it needs to stop here? She is the type of person who will take it personly and I can't help that. I am still her friend and I want her to know she can come to me about anything. ( her husband vents to mine all the time about her so I hear what is going on even at home and her running to her daddy all the time and how he looks like the bad guy to them ). I need this stop while they are at my house. We love having them over, we play game, watch moveis and shows and sing keroke (sp?). It is fun when they are not bickering and she gets all mad at him and then he gets upset. How do I bring it up and how do I say it without hurting the freindship or her feelings? I am a person who hates to hurt anyones feelings. I have always been that way. I just love making people happy. I just can't take it any more. I can't wait for them to leave so I can b!tch and complain and have a smoke and then be happy again.

WHAT DO I DO? Help pleace.

[Jenna5366]

Ok. This is what I would do in that situation (after suppressing the urge to slap her silly for treating her husband like a jerk). When she starts to act that way, say something. Pull her aside, say it in front of everyone, whatever. I would say something in a joking-type way in front of everyone; something like “Wow, how long have you guys been married? Sounds like an old bickering married couple” and then laugh it off. It might make her aware that she is acting that way, cause she might not even realize it. Or, to be more direct and to the point, if she acts that way and everyone gets moody, say “well, that ruined the fun night we were having”, turn off or stop whatever you guys were doing/watching and say “maybe we can continue this when everyone’s not so touchy.” If you don’t want to be as direct, pull her aside, and explain to her how you’ve noticed that she’s been a little bit on edge with “Fred” and want to know if there’s anything she wants to talk about. Like I said, she may not even realize she is acting that way towards him. Tell her that it bothers you when it seems like there’s something wrong and the two of them are miserable. If she asks what you’re talking about, give her some examples.

I hope this helps. I know it’s all easier said than done, but I hope she opens her eyes and realizes that the way she is acting is not cool.

[Lang2b]

What a b*tch.....he doesn't deserve that maybe tell him he should find someone else....just kidding. No i would get snotty back at her so she knows how it feels to be treated that way in front of people. When she says something to him in front of you say something to her about it......or turn it around. I'd let her know how it feels. Otherwise I agree take her aside and let her know. But I still think she sounds mean and deserves to get a taste of it for herself.

[amisteratwisterandme]

The VERY last thing I would do is call her out in front of everyone else. I have a friend like this and it seems that she treats him that way in front of people to make herself look better.

I think I would ask her for lunch/coffee and just tell her straight out that you don't want to hurt her feelings, but this is what you have noticed and it is not acceptable in your house. I would even go so far as to say that I don't know if you are aware of how this is coming out, but this is how it sounds. Then tell her that you and DH have established boundaries in your house, and respect is a priority especially with children around. Then I would I would say that I hope as my friend that if I was embarassing my DH that you would come to me and let me know.

She may be angry at you, and she may be hurt and embarrassed, but as long as you handle the talk appropriatly, (meaning you don't make it sound accusatory) you can't hold yourself responsible for her feelings. I tend to do that alot myself...

[WebLady]

I agree that this person sounds like a bit of a b!tch, but it is not your place to say anything about how she and her husband live. However, if they aurgue in front of you and/or show any disrespect to you guys or your home, you have every right to put her in her place.

Has your husband said anything to them about this? As the "man" of the house, he should be there to stand up for your home and family just as much as you.

Next time they get in a tiff, I would say something like "I don't know how you guys treat each other at home, but could you at least pretend to be happy when you are out!" Bring up the kids too, tell them they can do what they want it their house and around their kid, but you will not accept such behavior in your home and around your children. Or maybe make a joke like "So, I guess the honeymoon is over huh?" and try to change the subject and maybe they will get the hint.

As far as her being snarky when playing games or watching movies; I would do things MY WAY in MY HOUSE and I wouldn't have any problem telling someone this. If she doesn't want to play nice then she doesn't have to play. If she can't respect you and everyone else then maybe you don't need to hang out together as much. I don't know ... aside from the way she apparently treats her husband, I would really get tired of the "all about me" attitude in other areas too.

If she gets all pissy and tries to turn it around on you guys then maybe she is not worth being a friend with.

:goodluck:

[rainbowtreat]

Thank you for your advice. I may have found a way out. After writing this up I sent her an e-mail at work ( that is how we talk during the day ) and asked how she was doing? She came back with saying she was sorry for the other night and that her and "Fred" had a nice night last night and had a long talk and she hopes things will get better. But she had started it with "I't been one thing after another with "Fred" and I am getting sick of it." I wrote her back and told her that I noticed it the last couple of times they were here and how it brings me down and if it brings me down then I know it affects the kids. I also told her how much we love them and hope things get better for them. I will have to wait and see where that goes.

She says she is getting sick of his stuff and yet from him my DH hears how much every expects him to be. ( every one meaning her parents and her ).

He is 4 years younger then her. If he plays a video game for mroe then 20 mins. she starts in on him saying she will throw it away if he plays it again when there is stuff to be done around the house. We will be at their house and he will go show my husband something and she yells out from the other room don't get on that computer. He can't do anything and she b!tches at him. She says he needs to grow up and be mature. There is so much to it but I can only touch on what I see goes on here at my house and I don't have to deal with it. He is a good guy. A hard worker. He can't wait to come over here to get a break from it all. She goes out to dinner 2 or 3 times a month with friends yet he can't spend any money at lunch time at work.

I just don't know what else to do. She is controlling him and he has let it happen for a couple of years now and now it is getting worse and he is jsut starting to stand up for himself. I told DH to tell "Fred" to set up an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell her he expects her to be there. Not ask her opion or talk to her about it. Just that he is going and she is expected to show up.

[rainbowtreat]

So nothing new from that subject. We will just see how things go.

Now I have something else to talk to her about.

She is pregnant with her first baby due in Jan. She told me she went shopping around with her step-mom and step-sister. She was looking at cribs and most places she went they no longer have floor modles set up. I asked her if she went to Toy-R-Us in the city they went to that is about 30 mins. away. She said no that she didn't think they have baby stuff. I had told her they do. The whole back corner is set up for just babies. Well I mentioned it to her at one other point as well. She called last night to say that they were going to stay home instead of coming over like planned. She had a long day and they just wanted to stay in. No problem I understand. Have been there myself. Then she told me she was going shopping to Manchest ( almsot an hour away ) to Toys-R-Us beacuse they just remodled and have a big section for baby stuff. I asked her again if she had gone to the other one. She said some one told her they don't have floor modles so she has no gone. I told her I was there as early as last month. I have told you before they have every thing set out so you can see it just like what you want. She just said oh. This had made me feel like my word just doesn't matter. As if she has not botherd to listen to me at all. I know it is a stupid thing but it made me feel that way and it is eating at me. Her husband is here today with my husband as she is gone all day with another friend. I asked him why she is that way and he told me that he doesn't even know how she thinks and he is her husband. He told me to talk to her when she gets here that she will most likely come over when she gets home as they have nothing planned tonight. This is the first time she has ever made me feel this way. And it will eat at me so I have to say something to her. Her husband said he has had some talks with her because her mother who lives in Texas is always sending her stuff for the baby. All good and well but he told her that she needs to tell her mom to stop until after her baby shower. She is not giving any one else a chance to get anything. Her mom bought a precious moments quilt she fond on E-Bay. Well his mother MADE one for her yet has not had the chance to give it to her. She was most likely waiting for the baby shower. She didn't understand why he was getting so mad. It is again all about what she wants. I understand her mom is wanting to do this. It is her first grandchild and she is not here to take part. But as her husband said there will be nothing left for any one to get her for her shower is she doesn't tell her mom to slow down. She has a dad and step mom here and all of her husbands family and her friends. She is going to have one huge baby shower. He is trying to make her think of every one else for a moment and it just is not working. I just want to go away from it all. I hate drama and I left a friend behind a few years ago because of all the drama she was causing. I can't have this again. God help me she has this kid and gets back to her old self. ( I don't see that happening though )

[amisteratwisterandme]

Sounds to me that maybe she is just plain wearing thin on you. All of it sounds (and I'm sorry) but really silly and petty and very high school-ish. Does it really matter is she chose not to go to Toys R Us? She caused herself more time and hassle, not you.

I also feel like maybe you shouldn't talk to her husband about her like that, kind of seems to me that maybe it is an invasion of their marraige. How would you feel if someone who you thought was your friend went and talked to your husband about negative stuff to do with you? Whether he agrees or disagrees, is it respectful to you if your husband takes part in any of that conversation?

I understand that he comes to you for advice, but it's not really your place to talk **** about his partner.

I don't mean to sound bad. I am sorry, but in the big picture of life, this just seems so silly.

[rainbowtreat]

Sounds to me that maybe she is just plain wearing thin on you. All of it sounds (and I'm sorry) but really silly and petty and very high school-ish. Does it really matter is she chose not to go to Toys R Us? She caused herself more time and hassle, not you.

I also feel like maybe you shouldn't talk to her husband about her like that, kind of seems to me that maybe it is an invasion of their marraige. How would you feel if someone who you thought was your friend went and talked to your husband about negative stuff to do with you? Whether he agrees or disagrees, is it respectful to you if your husband takes part in any of that conversation?

I understand that he comes to you for advice, but it's not really your place to talk **** about his partner.

I don't mean to sound bad. I am sorry, but in the big picture of life, this just seems so silly.


I had said that from the get go that it seemed very silly to me. And i didn't talk bad or negative to him I asked his advice on it as he knows her better then any one or so he should. And because I talked to him he asked her if she was mad at me. Her and I had a long talk and there were alot of things that she herself had to get out.

Yes it did seem silly and it was not the fact that she didn't go to that store it was the fact that my word felt like it was nothing. If this has never happened to you then you don't know what I mean. You tell some one about something and they pass you off but some one else will say something and they are like oh yeah your right. It makes you feel they don't listen to you or they just don't care. It was petty but it still hurt.

I cut out a friend over 3 years ago now for aome high school drama **** that I just did not want in my life. This was nothing like that. It was a matter of feeling some things and not having the chance to talk to her yet.

Once we talked and got every thing out we saw where each other was coming from. She was having a hard time with alot of things and had to spend some time to think things though on her own.

As for talking to her husband. We are all like brothers and sisters instead of friends. I can talk to him and if I was to say anything bad about her he would defend her btu I said nothing bad. I was just trying to see if there was a reason behind it and there was more going on then I knew.

As for the big picture of life, these people are my life. I was having a momnet ( for about 3 or 4 days ) myself and she was going though stuff so our paths were not crossing right. Things got mixed up.

I was merely expressing myself and asking how to fix this problem. If she wanted to know how to aproach me about a subject or was worried about me in some why they it is not a huge deal she asks my husband opion about it. I was not bashing her in any way to her husband. I would never do that.

[amisteratwisterandme]

I swear I didn't mean to offend you. I totally understand where you are coming from. I have had every situation possible while dealig with friends. My best friend of 17 years does this kind of stuff to me all the time.

I wasn't trying to defend her. Actually more like if she wears that thin on you, maybe you need a break from her. I have learned through the years that I have to do that myself. I have a very close friend who is very similar with the whole, me me me thing. Example: My brother had passed away and she went with me to break the news to my grandmother. When I told my gram, she literally fell to the floor. My friends first words as I am pulling my gram off the floor? "Did he know I was pregnant?" Seriously, WTF? :irked:

I have learned that based on her past, she's just like that. Does it make it okay? Absolutley not! But, I don't have to buy into it. I let her bother me and it takes time and attention away from what's important in my life. Does that make sense? I know that her heart is in the right place. She just grew up being last place in everyone's life and is trying to compensate for it now. She is definately getting better over time, and I hope that some day she can get past it, but I just choose not to "play" when she is in that mode.

I still think that any relationship worth having has to have communication. If it bothers you this much, you need to tell her. Now after saying that, I have confronted my best friend over something that really hurt me, and she wouldn't talk to me for over 2 months. When she finally did start talking to me, it was because I kind of forced the issue. I apologized that she took my words in a bad way, that I was only trying to express how I felt, and for that I was sorry. It took a long time to make it better, because she thought I should be sorry for starting the conversation in the first place. BUT, I refused to be sorry for sharing how I felt with her, because that is just part of what relationships in any form are about. In order to grow, you have to be able to be honest with the other person.

Again, I am sorry if I upset you! :sorry:

[rainbowtreat]

It did upset me some. But I got over it. The thing is her and I have never been on the outs like this. And as I said we talked and saw a few things that needed to be addressed. We still love each other very much. We got out the things we needed to and realized that we don't have enough time just her and I. We are always with our husbands and/or the kids. So we are going to make a point to have atleast 1 or 2 days a month for just her and I so we can always get things out and not get to this point again.

I was like your friend growing up. I was the one left out. In my family and every thing. I was not popular and made myself into something I wasn't for my ex husband. I grew up. I have my own life and I don't let any one push me around. I don't ecpect every thing to be about me me me. I am always looking out for others. Always making every one happy before me. I cherish the friends that I have. I have 4 that I can call on any time of day and they would be here. This one friend just happens to be the one I see more often. About 2 or 3 times a week.

[RozMitchell]

You know, sometimes, we just "outgrow" friends. From what I can gather from your posts, it sounds like you and your husband already have a child or two, and she is just now pregnant with her first.

When I first got married, I noticed a huge change in the number of really "close friends" I had. I noticed yet another change when our children were born. We hung out with people who "got us". People who knew that at the end of the day, if the kid has puked 20 times down your shirt, you're not going out tonight.

It really sounds to me like you guys are in different places in your life. She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. And a lot of women do seemingly grow up after that first baby. It's a big change. You might feel a deeper connection with her once she has some kids of her own. For right now though, my advice is to just let the relationship drift where it will go. If you feel the slightest apprehension about inviting them over, or hanging out with them, then don't. Just stop taking the friendship so seriously, and she'll either get the drift, or the friendship will just dissolve. Either way, you get what you need.

Roz

[rainbowtreat]

Well we have talked and nothing had changed. She had some things to figure out on her own before her and I could talk. Every thing is fine. They mean alot to us. They are more family then friends. Cutting them out with not only hurt us but hurt our kids as well. They take the kids to church with them and the kids just love them.

I would never dream of cutting them out of our lives. They mean to much to us. I also just found out that they want my husband and I to be their childs Godparents. That is huge. We don't go to church. They have many family members that would love that honor. But they chose us. That just shows right there how much they think of us.

Every one has bad days and her and I had them at the same time and things just got mixed up is all. Every thing is just fine with us all. Her and her husband seem to be doing better also. That makes it better all around.