advise please!

[jeannicole]

ok this is going to sound a little complicated, but here goes!

My FH and I are trying to plan a gathering or luncheon if you will for just his parents and my parents ONLY. They have never met each other since my family lives here in Ohio and his lives in North Carolina. Since both of our parents are divorced & have since been remarried we wanted to invite them ALL. (That is 10 people total). Here is where it gets messy......My step mother does not get along with my biological mother AT ALL! My FH's mother does not get along with her now estranged husband (which is actually my FH's step father) nor does she want to see her ex husband (my FH's biological father) or his wife! When we were attempting to set the date for this "get together" we got nothing but negative feedback about ANY of the dates we had picked! There is always something going on! I understand that these are busy people with jobs and families of their own but I just can't help but think that since they know that there will be SOMEONE there that they just don't like, then that is an acceptable excuse to give us the run around! I mean if we can't even get JUST THE PARENTS to get together, why should we try and get the rest of the families involved? To top matters off.....my FH and I have made plans to relocate our family to North Carolina in June of 2007. We have also agreed that our wedding will take place down in North Carolina......My mother is the only one who gives us grief about this and it is EVERY time that I mention anything about the wedding (by the way she lives in Cincinnati Oh) Are we just creating a bigger problem by trying to get them all together, even though we know they don't like one another? What can we do? Any advice at all would be helpful! Thanks in advance!

Jean-Nicole & Chad

[Jenn060306]

I will try and help you as much as i can because My FH's parents are divorced and his mother really doesen't like her ex or his new spouse. For a long time they refused to go anywhere where the other would be. At one point my FSiL was having a party for her duaghters 2nd or 3rd birthday and my FH's mom wouldn't come until later after her ex had left the party. I was really crappy because everyone felt very uncomfortable.

In my opinion.... if they are really that addiment about not getting together with their ex's i think you and your FH should try to respect that. There are probaly still alot of hurt feelings and tension among the seperated couples.
But i do belive you and your FH should talk to your parents about the situation and explain how difficult they are making it for you guys. They may change their minds on not wanting to get together for the lunchon.
I would suggest that you set up a number of gatherings so your mother and her new spouse can meet your FH's mother and new spouse, then your FH's father and new spouse and so on. It will take alot more time. But you wouldn't be forcing your families into somthing they really don't feel good about. How would you feel if you were being pushed to have lunch with your ex and their new partner?

For the actual wedding you're parents will have to accept that their ex's will be there, but they don't have to sit at the same tables and they don't have to talk to eachother. They can sit with their family and/or friends. Or possibly if they hit it off with your FH's mother or father they can sit with them as well.
MY FH's Mother and her new husband will be sitting on the same side of the room as my parents and his father and his spouse will be sitting on the other side of the room with his family. Everyone is happy with that plan.

I'm sorry that you are having so much trouble with your parents. I wish you luck.

[CindySue]

I wish I knew what you say to help, but I have to agree with Jenn. You do need to talk to them.

[MOB Karen]

I agree with Jenn on this one. I think having them attend a gathering, where the primary participants don't even like each other, would be very awkward for all. The wedding will be different because they won't have to socialize with them as much there. I think it was a very nice plan but one that you should just let go. Good luck, Jean-Nicole! Let us know how everything turns out.

[WebLady]

I agree with Jenn on this one. I think having them attend a gathering, where the primary participants don't even like each other, would be very awkward for all. The wedding will be different because they won't have to socialize with them as much there. I think it was a very nice plan but one that you should just let go. Good luck, Jean-Nicole! Let us know how everything turns out.

I agree with Karen and Jenn ... it would be a sticky situation. My parents are not divorced but still didn't meet DH's Dad (MIL passed away) before we got married. Yeah I once thought it would have been nice if they could have met and been friends and what not but that is not the case. I was terrified that my mother would embarrass me in front of FIL at the wedding.

Besides all that, if they can't put their issues aside to celebrate with you then don't bother. Why add to your stress? Just my opinion there. Best wishes!

Welcome to the board by the way!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Here's my opinion, so take it for what its worth...a grain of salt?? You decide!

These people are SUPPOSED to be ADULTS! If they can't be civil for a couple of hours of their entire lives then forget it!! Like Brandi (weblady) said, you do not need the stress, its best to scrap the idea! Or lay down the law and tell them to grow up and be civil for just one afternoon! (sorry I am not usually this grumpy, but that's how I feel on this issue! :) )

[jeannicole]

After some new discoveries today, we have found out some more interesting details about MY family. We have since been talking about just going to the justice of the peace or maybe just eloping. I am deeply ashamed of MY family and do not wish to make it any more painful for myself or to add the tension of another family to the mix.

Thank you all for your support & advice. We appreciate all of the help we have received thus far.

[WebLady]

After some new discoveries today, we have found out some more interesting details about MY family. We have since been talking about just going to the justice of the peace or maybe just eloping. I am deeply ashamed of MY family and do not wish to make it any more painful for myself or to add the tension of another family to the mix.

Thank you all for your support & advice. We appreciate all of the help we have received thus far.[/SIZE]

Well good luck girl ... remember it is about you and your FH, not your family. If they can't be a loving and supportive part of your life, then they don't have to be big part of it. There are many of us that have issues with our families so you are not alone. Best wishes!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Jean Nicole

I'm sorry to hear that you are thinking about scraping the idea of having a wedding! I hope that whatever decisions you make, you make them for you! And just remember that your family members are not you and you did not make what bad decisions (or whatever it is) for them and you should not punish yourself for it!! Do what makes you happy!! Have you thought about a destination wedding in Hawaii? The Bahamas? Or Mexico? You can keep it the two of you but still have something special!! Good Luck Hun!!

Shawna

[MOB Karen]

Jean Nicole

I'm sorry to hear that you are thinking about scraping the idea of having a wedding! I hope that whatever decisions you make, you make them for you! And just remember that your family members are not you and you did not make what bad decisions (or whatever it is) for them and you should not punish yourself for it!! Do what makes you happy!! Have you thought about a destination wedding in Hawaii? The Bahamas? Or Mexico? You can keep it the two of you but still have something special!! Good Luck Hun!!

Shawna

That's a great idea, Shawna! Just get away from it all and enjoy each other!

[Kacie_bride]

It seems like you really want to have a wedding. I think you should consider a destination wedding where it is just the two of you and maybe a couple of really close friends. Sandals has a pretty good destination wedding package. You should check that out. If you have a tighter budget perhaps you could stay in the states and do something really nice here. You said you were planning on having the wedding in North Carolina, so you could have a beautiful beach ceremony with just a few people.