My family is going to make me go insane

[lillypad]

Ok so my parents have been divorced around 5 years. My mother is, as of now, paying for the entire wedding. We have been having some issues with our guest list fitting with our budget and venue size and since my mother's side of the family is considerably smaller than my father's side she emailed him the current guest list (just my side not my FH's...that is still its own mess) and asked if anyone could just receive and announcement or if he was able to help me pay for a part of the wedding which would allow a few more guests. I received a copy of the email when it was sent and that was all it said, short simple and nothing rude. My father emails me back saying there is just no way he can speak with my mother and if I want them to communicate about it I need to be the one relaying the information back and fourth. Rather than offering to help pay for something or saying certain people won't attend or could receive announcements he ADDS people to the list, people I have no clue who they are and I can tell you right now are not going on the list. What am I supposed to do here? My father wants to do all the the father-daughter wedding stuff like walking me down the isle, first dance, and whatever else they do...but he won't even talk to my mother over an e-mail. I know he is family and taking sides isn't the right thing to do but my mother is the one who has been there for me most of my life and if he can't talk with her now and I not sure he needs to even be at the wedding. I think I have mentioned before what he pulled at my sisters wedding (they now no longer speak) and I am afraid to have him at mine. I know there is no one here who can tell me what to do but I am just drawing a blank. The way he is acting is starting to freak out my FH and he isn't sure he feels comfortable with my father attending.

[Thalia_themuse]

Ok so my parents have been divorced around 5 years. My mother is, as of now, paying for the entire wedding. We have been having some issues with our guest list fitting with our budget and venue size and since my mother's side of the family is considerably smaller than my father's side she emailed him the current guest list (just my side not my FH's...that is still its own mess) and asked if anyone could just receive and announcement or if he was able to help me pay for a part of the wedding which would allow a few more guests. I received a copy of the email when it was sent and that was all it said, short simple and nothing rude. My father emails me back saying there is just no way he can speak with my mother and if I want them to communicate about it I need to be the one relaying the information back and fourth. Rather than offering to help pay for something or saying certain people won't attend or could receive announcements he ADDS people to the list, people I have no clue who they are and I can tell you right now are not going on the list. What am I supposed to do here? My father wants to do all the the father-daughter wedding stuff like walking me down the isle, first dance, and whatever else they do...but he won't even talk to my mother over an e-mail. I know he is family and taking sides isn't the right thing to do but my mother is the one who has been there for me most of my life and if he can't talk with her now and I not sure he needs to even be at the wedding. I think I have mentioned before what he pulled at my sisters wedding (they now no longer speak) and I am afraid to have him at mine. I know there is no one here who can tell me what to do but I am just drawing a blank. The way he is acting is starting to freak out my FH and he isn't sure he feels comfortable with my father attending.


Awww honey.... :( I'm sorry things have gone that way, that's awful!!

Just to clarify - he pulled *out* of your sister's wedding...? That was very cr*ppy of him. If it were me (but you are probably nicer than me with more patience) I would say the following:

Dad, I was really trying to include you and your side of the family at my wedding because family is very important to me. However, if you are going to refuse to have any form of communication with those of us organising the event, then I am afraid there may not be a place for you here. At this stage, Mum is paying for everything and trying her very hardest to help me organise everything - she emailed you courteously, why can you not return that very simple gesture? She asked if there was anyone on your side of the guest list that we could cut or if you would be able to help pay for part of the wedding - you responded to neither point, and you in fact added people to my list that I do not know.
I love you Dad, but with all of this going on, and after what happened at (sister's) wedding - I am not sure what to do here. If you refuse to speak to Mum, then how will that work at the wedding? This is a very stressful time for me and (FH), but we are planning an amazing life together and we really hoped that your happiness for us would override any other pre-held issues.



....or something to that effect. There are family members I won't be inviting to my wedding, and my dad is sure-as-heck not walking with me, nor will there be any father-daughter dance. My dad is not interested in weddings at all, will have nothing to do with the planning and may not come. I hope he will be there, but I won't be heartbroken if he isn't. Just to clarify - my parents aren't divorced or anything, it's just how he is... :bbrolleyes:
I would seriously try to sort this out with him sooner rather than later. If he is unwilling to cooperate or be courteous, and if he is making you and your FH uncomfortable then I don't see why you should have to invite him. Your wedding is about the 2 of you, and if you guys spend your day worrying about him how much fun are you going to have..? Plus he doesn't have a good track record with his daughter's weddings....

Good luck!!

[Amanda&Jason]

I am very sorry to hear of your dad difficulties. :(

I have a similar issue going on with my father. It is not that he won't speak to my mother or anything, he just wants to play the father role(walking down the aisle, dance ect..) and he has really been anything but through my whole life. This does not sit well with me because I feel that allowing that would be disrespectful to my mother. I have finally come to the relization that I am an adult and I am just gonna tell him how it will be. If he does not like it then he doesn't have to come. It will not really be anybody's loss.

I agree with the girls above, just tell him how it is gonna go. Be respectful about it and I think you'll have not regrets. Good Luck!!!

[gwenshack]

My parents don't speak either. I don't speak to my dad, so that works brilliantly for me, but for my 3 other siblings it creates a lot of conflict and heartache. The poor kids are constantly stuck in the middle of arguments and hard feelings.

I would tell your father how you feel - explain to him that this is supposed to be a happy time of celebration and that you want both of your parents to be a part of the action. Tell him that there's enough stress that goes along with a wedding without having to worry about being the middle man for two adults who should be mature enough to politely exchange e-mails in regard to the wedding of the daughter they created together. Explain to him that without financial help from him you will be unable to accomodate the added guests. Tell him that you want him to partake in all the paternal wedding roles but that he needs to be respectful of your mother - disrespecting her is disrespecting you.

Sorry you're dealing with this - I know my mother is dreading the day my other 3 siblings get married for the reasons you've described. (Obviously she'd be THRILLED her kids are getting married though!!!!)

Good luck!
:) Gwen

[Nekochanpurr]

I know how you feel.. To the point where i don't talk to my dad anymore. I'm sorry you gotta go through this. :( i wish parents would act like adults.. At least your mom is trying to do whats right.

[gneiss_girl]

I think you need to give your dad an ultimatum. His behavior is worse than that of a high-school drama queen. Rather than work out his problems with your mom (who seems incredibly mature), he's sticking you in between them, which is the last thing you need. And if he refuses to help financially and/or emotionally, or at least PRETEND to cooperate, then maybe he doesn't even need to be at the wedding. That's just my two cents...best of luck with this!

[caligal85]

My goodness! He added people to the list?! That's extremely uncouth. It's interesting that he feels he has some say with being involved after years of not being there for you. You might need to let him know that his presence at your wedding is an honor and not something you're required to have.

[lillypad]

Later this week and my and my FH (I need the moral support) are meeting up with my father for lunch. Guess we will see how this goes...cross your fingers for me.

[Thalia_themuse]

Later this week and my and my FH (I need the moral support) are meeting up with my father for lunch. Guess we will see how this goes...cross your fingers for me.

Good luck hon!! Wise decision to take your FH, methinks. Just remember the most important thing is that you and your FH are happy and comfortable.

*fingers crossed*