advice from people who don't have kids

[rainbowtreat]

This is my biggest pet pieve when it comes to advice about how to raise kids. This happens with my friend all the time. I have 3 kids ages 1, 7, and 9. I think I know how to raise a one year old seeing I have done it twice already and they have turned out just fine. Every child is different and you tend to have to do things a little different with each child because of this.

My son is 13 months old. We are finishing up what formula we have before taking away the bottle completely. He loves his bottles. He has a morning and evening rutine. I know what he wants when he gets acting a certain way. He wants hsi bottle. He will drink a full 8 oz. bottle as well as eat his meals and drink his cups of milk and juice.

Last night we were at our friends house when he was acting that way like he wanted his bottle. I mentioned something along the lines about how hard it is going to be to take the bottle away because of how he acts. My friends husband said then you let him fuss like that and he will get over it. I said something about I don't think he is getting enough to eat because he will still drink a full bottle and he said when he gets hungry enough he will eat more.

Please. I know he has nieces and nephews but don't sit there and tell me how to take my kids off the bottle. I ahve done it before ( twice ) and I will manage just fine with this one. He has never had to take a kid off a bottle ( his wife is due in Jan. with their first ) so how can he sit there and tell me how to do it.

Then my friend who is here from Australia was over there with us last night just told me that when I got up to go play with the baby because he was a bit fussy that my friend said that I should just make him go to bed. Oh realy? Wait till you have your baby and then we will see just how you intend to MAKE her go to bed. I know my child. He was just a little tired but if I ware him out first he will go to sleep easier and without a fight. Why should my 1 yr old have to scream and fight for you to put him to sleep when I know if you play with him for a few more mins. it will ware him down and he will fall right alseep when I put him down. Besides we were not at home so it is different for him.

I wish I would have heard her say that because now I am feeling so agravated it is crazy. I would have said something to her. She is a friend but until you have raised kids ( your own kids ) not just babysitting some one elses. Untill you have had your child day in and day out 24/7 and you know all their cries and fusses then don't tell me how to deal with mine.

Any one else have to deal with this? It just erks me so bad and not sure how to say something without causing problems.

[SerendipityCrafts]

As hard as it is ........ sit back, bite your tongue and take notes. You might want to frame those notes so that you can give them back to your friends when they have children!

You are right ... each child is different, each child needs and wants different things and there is NO ONE good way to parent. You do what you have to what's best for your child and yourself. You will make mistakes and you will learn from them.

The one thing you already KNOW that anyone with children is never a know it all when it comes to raising someone elses children LOL

[rainbowtreat]

Thanks Elizabeth. It feels good to hear something positive from a friend. I have been biting my tongue. This is not the first time something like this has heppened. I mean when they are here and Grady was crying and I went to get him they both said along with my husband mind you that I need to let him cry. You could see how it effected me I am sure. I let my husband have it after they left. I was in tears for feeling I was being attacked by every one on how to raise my child. BUt I didn't say anything to them. I have let it go. I am waiting for that moment when I can just sit back and laugh to myself because there will be a day that their baby girl is crying and throwing a fit and all they want to do is hold her to sooth her. It is easier when it is not your child. You don't have that connection. But when you child is crying and crying and they want you to hold them it breaks your heart. I can't wait to see them try to take the bottle away or even better to have another child and that one be so different when they thought they knew it all and they have to throw everything they have ever known and done right out the window.

[SerendipityCrafts]

even better to have another child and that one be so different when they thought they knew it all and they have to throw everything they have ever known and done right out the window.

I remember being a super smug mom when my SIL was raising my nephew. My daughter was a dream to take care of and her kid was a little hellion. I just assumed that SIL had to be doing something wrong and I stayed smug until my son was born LOL ...

Needless to say, my son wasn't at all like his sister and so I had to figure out how to care for him in a totally different way!

BTW - I once had a mom apologize to me. She told me years after the fact that she had tried to limit the time that her son spent with mine because she felt that my son was a bad influence (her son was younger). My son was devastated that he couldn't play with his little friend.

After her son grew up a bit and he was playing with other kids, another Mom told her that her son was a bad influence and so she was not letting the children play together any longer. Her son was devastated too ....

Kids are kids ....... most all of them grow up, grow out of "whatever it is at the moment" and become functioning productive members of society :)

[mitch]

FH has Four Daughters and He said that everytime He became a Dad people would say to Him. "Oh ANOTHER Daughter, Bet You Wish You Had A Son"
He would always reply. "No, She's His, She's Healthy And He's Proud"

The when the Grandson came along. It was a case of "Oh At Last, Bet You're Glad She Had A Boy" :bbeek:

Poor sod couldn't win either way.

Now We are getting "Ooh, When Are You Two Going To Have A Baby"

I'm like, Get Outta Here. I can't have kids. I asked to be Sterlized. I don't want My own. I have Four Girls and a Grandson who i adore and would walk through fire for. Why add to the numbers.

Geeeze, people wish your life away. :snide:

[WebLady]

I only skimmed the thread here, so if I missed the point then I apologize in advance ...

I get comments like "you wouldn't understand" or "well you don't have kids" from my sister and my mom a lot when I comment on something about my niece (or even other random kids we may see). It really bugs me, especially when I do things differently when I deal with her (my niece) or when she is with me and get better behavior from her. But I don't deal with her on a daily basis so I don't know what they do or don't do or why she is different with me.

Sure I don't have kids and I don't want to and there are some things that you just have to learn through the experience. Parents are the ones that have to be responsible for raising their kids right, but parents should realize that their kids behavior often affects other people. So that may be where the "advice" comes into play; I would think for the most part these people are just trying to be helpful. So I would just say to let the comments go and do what you feel is best. Maybe "we" (people with no kids) are just trying to understand why things are done or not done in certain situations.

While I would never go as far as to tell anyone how they should raise their kids, but I have spoken up in certain situations when it affects me. I don't think it is fair to say that someone with no children cannot have some potentially useful thoughts or advice simply because they have not "been there".

I think it is just like any other advice, asked for or not, just take it with a smile and do what you feel is best for your situation. It only becomes a problem when people continue to butt in and push and won't leave you alone.

Isn't it just as bad though from like your mom and such when they say things like "Well, I did "whatever" and I you turned out fine" My mom is bad about the "Well I raised 4 kids" thing and it really bugs my sister.

Anyway, I wish all the parents all the best!

[Ninedays9]

Sorry you are irritated. I think Brandi made a lot of good points. Sometimes it's best to let comments go and continue doing what you've been doing because it's right for you. Perhaps they will learn when/if they do have kids.

As someone without kids, I know it can be somewhat easy to judge parents on how they're raising their kid(s). Makes me think of all the dirty looks kids can get in restaurants when they're being loud. I try not to judge though because I know I'm going to have quite the time raising my own kids. Sometimes when my fiance's neice throws a tantrum, and his brother is dealing with it, I'll get my fiance's attention and say, "No babies!" and he'll say, "Yes!" We're both kidding.... I think.

[neebelung]

Please. I know he has nieces and nephews but don't sit there and tell me how to take my kids off the bottle. I ahve done it before ( twice ) and I will manage just fine with this one. He has never had to take a kid off a bottle ( his wife is due in Jan. with their first ) so how can he sit there and tell me how to do it.

Then my friend who is here from Australia was over there with us last night just told me that when I got up to go play with the baby because he was a bit fussy that my friend said that I should just make him go to bed. Oh realy? Wait till you have your baby and then we will see just how you intend to MAKE her go to bed. I know my child.

I wish I would have heard her say that because now I am feeling so agravated it is crazy. I would have said something to her. She is a friend but until you have raised kids ( your own kids ) not just babysitting some one elses. Untill you have had your child day in and day out 24/7 and you know all their cries and fusses then don't tell me how to deal with mine.

Any one else have to deal with this? It just erks me so bad and not sure how to say something without causing problems.
Why not take it with a grain of salt and realize that

1.) These people are your friends/loved ones, so they mean well
and
2.) just because people don't have children of their own doesn't mean they live under a rock and know nothing about it

Ya know what's more annoying than people without children giving advice on parenting? Parents who act like they're the ONLY ones who've ever raised a child. :snide:


And before you ask, nope, I don't have kids (however, I also don't give parenting advice :rofl: ).

[Jenna5366]

Oh man. I get the advice from well meaning friends that makes me want to bash their heads in ALL THE TIME. I have a 6 year old, and people with AND without kids are constantly telling me that I’m too hard on him, not hard enough, doing this wrong, blah blah blah. I just stick to my guns and tell them that this is what I do, and it works. For some reason, though, it bugs me even more when it’s from other parents… like “Well, I do such-and-such with little Suzie, and it works great; you should be doing such-and-such instead” … drives me BATTY and makes me want to say “Oh is that why little Suzie acts the way she does?” :D Like you said, every kid is different, and no one – parents or not parents – should tell another adult how to raise their child.

[neebelung]

Oh man. I get the advice from well meaning friends that makes me want to bash their heads in ALL THE TIME. I have a 6 year old, and people with AND without kids are constantly telling me that I’m too hard on him, not hard enough, doing this wrong, blah blah blah. I just stick to my guns and tell them that this is what I do, and it works. For some reason, though, it bugs me even more when it’s from other parents… like “Well, I do such-and-such with little Suzie, and it works great; you should be doing such-and-such instead” … drives me BATTY and makes me want to say “Oh is that why little Suzie acts the way she does?” :D Like you said, every kid is different, and no one – parents or not parents – should tell another adult how to raise their child.

Now that's different, and EEEEK, I can see where that would get under your skin. Making a suggestion is one thing; TELLING someone "No, you're doing it wrong, do this...." is quite another (and maybe deserving of a smack upside the head :rofl: )

[Jenna5366]

I only skimmed the thread here, so if I missed the point then I apologize in advance ...

I get comments like "you wouldn't understand" or "well you don't have kids" from my sister and my mom a lot when I comment on something about my niece (or even other random kids we may see). It really bugs me, especially when I do things differently when I deal with her (my niece) or when she is with me and get better behavior from her. But I don't deal with her on a daily basis so I don't know what they do or don't do or why she is different with me.

Sure I don't have kids and I don't want to and there are some things that you just have to learn through the experience. Parents are the ones that have to be responsible for raising their kids right, but parents should realize that their kids behavior often affects other people. So that may be where the "advice" comes into play; I would think for the most part these people are just trying to be helpful. So I would just say to let the comments go and do what you feel is best. Maybe "we" (people with no kids) are just trying to understand why things are done or not done in certain situations.

While I would never go as far as to tell anyone how they should raise their kids, but I have spoken up in certain situations when it affects me. I don't think it is fair to say that someone with no children cannot have some potentially useful thoughts or advice simply because they have not "been there".

I think it is just like any other advice, asked for or not, just take it with a smile and do what you feel is best for your situation. It only becomes a problem when people continue to butt in and push and won't leave you alone.

Isn't it just as bad though from like your mom and such when they say things like "Well, I did "whatever" and I you turned out fine" My mom is bad about the "Well I raised 4 kids" thing and it really bugs my sister.

Anyway, I wish all the parents all the best!

I TOTALLY get what you're saying. However, I bet you give advice in a helpful "hey, if that doesn't work, why don't you try this" kind of way. Not in a "this is the only way you will get him/her to listen" kind of way. I don't know about the original poster, but my post was about those kind of people - parents or not - that make you feel inferior, and that what you're doing is just plain wrong, and you're dumb to ever think it would work. :)

But, yeah, I totally get what you're saying. There is a difference; at least, in my opinion there is. :) Advice is welcome - unconstructive criticism isn't.

[rainbowtreat]

The advice is not things like he is 7 he should be able to tie his shoe or you should not let your kids run around the restraunt ( mine don't, they behave when we are out ). I have been with a friend who's kid would get up and run around and she wouldn't do anything but it is not my place to say anything.

The advice I am getting is just let him fuss it out for a few days he will be fine without a bottle. Or her saying she should just make him go to bed. He is my child I know his tired cry from his hungry cry or if he is just plain fussy. I deal with my son at bed time the way my husband and I have choise to. Them telling me to just let my baby cry when he is being fussy, no he is my baby and if I want to pick him up and sooth him I will. He is over all a good kid. He doesn't bite or hit, he is a happy baby. I know when he is tired or just fussy. So what I do is no ones concern.

As for adive from people with out kids I never intended to say that you all don't have good advice. I was just menaing in the little things I have dealt with when it comes to my child. They way they act and the things they say are as if their child will be perfect. These things are not always said when we are at their house either. Alot is said here at my house. If they don't like how I am dealing with my baby then they either need to hush up and keep it to themselves or leave. I love these people dearly but I have a hard time taking some of what they say when they have never been though it at all yet. ( one is on the way in a few months ).

With all that said she has asked me questions and such on little things like what bottles to use and stuff like that. Things like not heating a bottle in the microwave. She said I have seen how you have done things with Grady and he is fine. I told her that when I take care of her baby that I will do things they way she wants done. If she doesn't want her bottle heated in the microwave then I won't. We will see where things go. I do know as a first time parent you want every thing to be perfect but all that goes out the window once you get settled into a routine with the baby.

I guess I was just agravated because of them telling me things like how to take him off the bottle. Advice like that would need to come from some one who has been there.

Elizabeth I loved what you said about taking notes and framing them for when they get to that point with their child.

I will be ok. I never question parents or try to say you should do this unless they ask. Only because I have been there myself.

Just recently we were in Wal-Mart in Maine and Grady was walking around as we were cashing out. My daughter was walking behind him to keep an eye on him. She tripped and fell and knocked him over. It was a accident. He bumped his nose and was not happy. I picked him up and was soothing him. He was screaming and I had to wait to finish up so we could leave. Every one around us was looking at me like I had just beat him. You could see the look on their faces. Some shaking their heads. So I guess in some peoples minds no one is ever a good enough parent.

I have no problem taking advice from any one, parents or not. I enver said that some one without kids knows nothing about this. I would not say something like that. That is not me. I think this is more of knowing how she is. If any one tried to tell her once she has her baby how she should do something ( in the way as others have said, do it this way it is better, not how about you try this out and see if it works kind of way ) she would bite their heads off and tell them she didn't need their advice. I know this becuase of they way she is in other parts of her life. It is just they way she is. I tend to shut up and complain about it later to my husband.

I will take advice don't get me wrong. I just got rubbed the wrong way they way they have done it. That is all.

Thank you all for your responses. I just realy needed to vent.

[Jenna5366]

I will take advice don't get me wrong. I just got rubbed the wrong way they way they have done it. That is all.


I think that's it right there. Advice is fine, but please watch how you give it. Does that make sense?? :grinhappy:

[rainbowtreat]

I think that's it right there. Advice is fine, but please watch how you give it. Does that make sense?? :grinhappy:


That is it. I am glad you udnerstand what I was trying to say. I tend to babble lol.

[mitch]

I think that's it right there. Advice is fine, but please watch how you give it. Does that make sense?? :grinhappy:

That makes perfect sense and can be used in everything in life.

It's similar to the difference between being "Told" and being "Asked".
At work if My Boss "Told" Me to clean a Toilet with a toothbrush, i wouldn't.
If She "Asked" Me then i probably would.

[SunnyAB]

I'm an Auntie only and at times it is - or was a bit difficult holding my tongue, they are mostly all grown up now - but I usually won't or don't offer advice unless I am asked - and even at that, I offer it in the way of a suggestion, not really advice (if that makes sense to anyone else). :D I have four separate 'bunches' of kidlets and each group was raised differently - but they all seem to be doing quite well - knock on wood, so as mentioned, there are many, many 'right' ways! But then again, it just may be because of the WONDERFUL influence of their favorite Aunt! :D

Seriously though rainbowtreat, for those that think they know it all and only THEIR way is the best/right way - just ignore them and their opinions, because remember (and sorry in advance - this is crude, but pretty spot on :D) "Opinions are like a**holes. Everybody's got one and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks."

Good luck to you though!!

[SerendipityCrafts]

That is it. I am glad you udnerstand what I was trying to say. I tend to babble lol.

I advise you to ignore em LOL

[WebLady]

I think that's it right there. Advice is fine, but please watch how you give it. Does that make sense?? :grinhappy:
Oh yeah, I totally get that! I try to offer suggestions in a helpful way and would never purposely make someone feel less of a parent.

But I have been known to say things to my sister about my niece when she is being bad like "does she do that all the time" or "are you just gonna let her do that?"
One time she was being loud and jumping around in the booth at a restaurant and I finally told her to sit down and behave since my sister didn't :p Then she said something to her; why she didn't do anything about it then I will never know. She has never said anything to me about the things I've said, so I guess she doesn't take it badly. But my sister and I are fairly close and I know she is a good mother.

I would never say anything to anyone I didn't feel close to, but if I was out with a friend and their kid was acting up and they weren't doing anything about it, I'd probably say something (depending on how bad the kid was being and how well I knew the person of course) ... not sure what I'd say exactly though. But I can't stand to be around an ill mannered or ill-behaved child. Depending on the friend and how bad the kid was I may not say anything, but just not go out with them anymore.

[ChibiAiChan]

I do not have kids.... yet, but I do work at a child care with 2 year olds. I know it is different, because I am not their parent, but if a parent is having trouble I do offer advice. They also ask me as well =) I certainly would not say I know all there is to know... but I do know the kids I work with pretty well since I spends roughly 29 hours a week with them (I only work part time, most are there way before I even enter the door).
I would never push advice though... again, I know these kids (most since birth) and their parents. I just happen to sometimes have a few tricks up my sleeves.