My Aunt

[Jenn060306]

Ok, i'm sorry, sometimes i feel like i whine alot on here, i really appreciate everyones support and help. But this one i have been thinking about for a while now and i'm not sure what to do, or if there is anything i can do.

So, My mom's older sister is mad at my mom and i guess my dad too. We're not completely sure why, but we have a feeling it is because of a conversation she had with my dad over a month ago now. Her and my mom met for lunch one afternoon and my aunt decided my mom needed to get her hair done BADLY. She hadn't coloured it for a while so her highlights where looking more white and grey then blonde. So she insisted she take my mom to her hair stylist. They went and my mom got her hair done. Looks amazing, but almost exactly like her sisters which is totally fine! My dad sees this and loves it and also thinks she looks exactly like her sister.
Anyways. I guess the next day the phone was off the hook all day, and my aunt was trying to call. And my mom's cell phone wasn't on so she had no clue. The battery in the phone finally dies so it is no longer off the hook no problem. So finally my aunt is able to get through. My dad talks to her since my mom is out with me, and they talk about her storing some stuff in my parents garage until they have a garage sale in the summer. He says it's fine, but wasn't overly exsited about it. She also asks what he thinks of my mom's hair, so he tells her that he thinks she looks just like her. It's NOT a bad thing. So whatever they get off the phone and he says he'll tell my mom that she called. My mom and i get home he mentions it but she didn't have time to call her back that moment for some reason. She had to run out and get somthing i think. So i'm at their house and my aunt calls back. She asks for my mom and i tell her she's gone out. My aunt very snippidly asks if she'll be back anytime soon so i tell her yes. And she then hangs up on me. I was really kinda pissed off because i had wanted to talk to her myself. So finally when my mom gets back i tell her to call her sister cause she sounds really pissed off. So my mom calls and her sister, and her sister cancles the plans they had to go out with my dad and uncle as well before my parents go on their holidays. My mom asks her sister if she's mad at her and if everything is ok. I assume she still was being short with her respondses and sounding mad. I guess she tells my mom that everything is fine and then hangs up or says she has to go or somthing. But it left my mom in tears. She was soooo upset because she had no clue what she had done wrong. And she was upset because she was leaving to go away for 2 weeks and her sister was mad at her. My dad and i suggest she try calling her back later that evening after dinner. She did, and has been calling and leaving messages and sending e-mails for over a month now and her sister will not respond to her. She doesen't know for sure why her sister is so mad at her. The best any of us can figure out is that she's upset about my dad's comment that my mom's hair now looks just like her sisters.

It's stupid. And its completely destroying my mom. She is sooo upset and so hurt, she's not sleeping at night because she's worrying about her sister and what she's done. She feels like she's loosing her family and it's really upsetting her. Both my mom's parents have passed away and her brother lives in Northern Ontario so they don't see eachother often. But my aunt lives in Toronto so it's a 30 min drive for my mom to go visit. Anyways, my Aunt has alot of trouble with depression etc. my uncle travels alot of work so she is home on her own alot which probaly is a big contributing factor. My mom worries alot about her. She's worried that my aunt might kill herself one day because she goes through bouts where she is so depressed.

I've been worrying about my mom alot lately because i can see how much it is hurting her. Her sister is all she feels like she's really got left as family. She doesen't want to loose her. I'm really struggling because i feel like my aunt is being so immature and selfish. I can't stand to see my mom so upset. Today she nearly started to cry in the car when we were talking about it. She upset because she thinks her sister won't come to the wedding. That idea upsets me too because i know i didn't do anything wrong.

I'm so fustrated because i feel like there is nothing i can do to make this situation better. I can't exactly call my aunt and tell her to smarten up and talk to her sister. I'd love to... but can't. I don't know what to say to my mom. I feel like nothing i say or do will make her feel better. And i worry so much about her because she's becoming more and more depressed herself about it. She can't just cut her sister out. I'm worried about what will happen if my aunt won't come to the wedding. I know it will really hurt my mom's feelings. I am her only child and she really wants her sister to be there with her because my wedding day is very special to her.
ARGH I don't know what to do! I don't know that i can do anything! I'm sorry about my rambling and that this is so long. i just need to get this out there. I am so stumped, and i'm really upset about my mom being so hurt. I am really worrying about her, she's not been feeling well alot more since this whole thiing happend over a month ago. And i'm worried that it will get much worse before it gets any better.

[LaceyinPgh]

I'm sorry your mom is going through this. But you can't control other people's thoughts or actions. That is all there is to it. So there is no point in not sleeping and crying over it. I know how upset your mom is, believe me. Right now my mother's entire family isn't speaking to she or I because I won't allow children at my reception. They are all threatening to not come to my wedding unless I allow my cousin to bring her two kids. My poor mother is so upset she can barely haul herself around the house. But, like I told her, they are only people. And, people show their true colors sometimes. You can't control how they act or feel. Frankly, we have freinds and family coming in from around the world to share my wedding day with us. Those are the people who actually care, not the ones who are throwing a temper tantrum over osme little mundane stupid thing like guest lists or hair styles. Your mother is probably like mine, she has you and a bunch of friends and extended family that will be there to share your wedding day. Those are the poeple that matter. If someone wants to get so p.o.'d over something so ridiculous then she nor you want them there anyway.

[Jenn060306]

I'm sorry your mom is going through this. But you can't control other people's thoughts or actions. That is all there is to it. So there is no point in not sleeping and crying over it. I know how upset your mom is, believe me. Right now my mother's entire family isn't speaking to she or I because I won't allow children at my reception. They are all threatening to not come to my wedding unless I allow my cousin to bring her two kids. My poor mother is so upset she can barely haul herself around the house. But, like I told her, they are only people. And, people show their true colors sometimes. You can't control how they act or feel. Frankly, we have freinds and family coming in from around the world to share my wedding day with us. Those are the people who actually care, not the ones who are throwing a temper tantrum over osme little mundane stupid thing like guest lists or hair styles. Your mother is probably like mine, she has you and a bunch of friends and extended family that will be there to share your wedding day. Those are the poeple that matter. If someone wants to get so p.o.'d over something so ridiculous then she nor you want them there anyway.

Your right, i didn't really think about wanting her there if she doesen't care enough to be there. I don't really want someone there who feels that way. My mom has some amazing friends who are so exsited about the wedding. I hope she can share her happiness with them if her sister chooses not to attend.
I think the hardest thing is seeing my mom so sad, i don't know what to do to make her feel better. I can get it off her mind for a while and she'll be really happy. But i know it will come back to bother her later.

[LaceyinPgh]

Your right, i didn't really think about wanting her there if she doesen't care enough to be there. I don't really want someone there who feels that way. My mom has some amazing friends who are so exsited about the wedding. I hope she can share her happiness with them if her sister chooses not to attend.
I think the hardest thing is seeing my mom so sad, i don't know what to do to make her feel better. I can get it off her mind for a while and she'll be really happy. But i know it will come back to bother her later.

It upsets me too to see my mom so upset over the poeple that have the nerve to call themselves family. That is why I am so mad over this whole thing. I don't care if someone doesn't show at my wedding. I care that they are purposefully hurting my mom in some little weird game of control. Frankly, Sean and I decided that anyone who doesn't come to our wedding because of this little fued won't be a part of our lives anymore from that point on.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Jenn

I'm sorry about this whole thing too! But I agree with Lacey! However I think that your aunt should seek medication and councelling. (Just my opinion though!!) If your mom is really as worried as you say she is, TO is only a 30 minute drive...call your mom and tell her you are picking her up, then go and get her and take her to your Aunt's door! Don't call your aunt and tell her you are coming, just show up and have them hash this cr@p out!! Because that is what this is, ********!! A freakin hair style?? Come on!!! This sounds like my mom's sister!! (notice I didn't call her my aunt!!!) Guess what happened to her?? I cut her COMPLETELY out of my life!! I have a world around me that doesn't include her negativity and I don't walk on egg shells or watch what I am saying to her because frankly I don't give a **** anymore! I don't have to deal with her craziness, and believe me I breath a lot easier and sleep so much better at night!! This solution may not be for you and therefor if it's hurting you and your mom, you NEED to get to the bottom of this!! So get in your car and go to TO and have them solve this big misunderstanding.

Shawna

PS What Lacey said is all true as well and I totally AGREE with her!!

[Jenn060306]

Jenn

I'm sorry about this whole thing too! But I agree with Lacey! However I think that your aunt should seek medication and councelling. (Just my opinion though!!) If your mom is really as worried as you say she is, TO is only a 30 minute drive...call your mom and tell her you are picking her up, then go and get her and take her to your Aunt's door! Don't call your aunt and tell her you are coming, just show up and have them hash this cr@p out!! Because that is what this is, ********!! A freakin hair style?? Come on!!! This sounds like my mom's sister!! (notice I didn't call her my aunt!!!) Guess what happened to her?? I cut her COMPLETELY out of my life!! I have a world around me that doesn't include her negativity and I don't walk on egg shells or watch what I am saying to her because frankly I don't give a **** anymore! I don't have to deal with her craziness, and believe me I breath a lot easier and sleep so much better at night!! This solution may not be for you and therefor if it's hurting you and your mom, you NEED to get to the bottom of this!! So get in your car and go to TO and have them solve this big misunderstanding.

Shawna

PS What Lacey said is all true as well and I totally AGREE with her!!

Thanks. I agree.... i think it's complete ****. I feel bad that my mom is being hurt so much. She did decide that this week she would drop in one afternoon on her. And try to figure out what is going on.
As far as i know my aunt is seeing a counciler and taking some medication to help her. But on occassion things go wrong and she's had to start from scratch again.
I know i will definatly be thinking twice about bending to make the plans that work best for my aunt and i think my mom will be the same way.

[WhiskeyGirl]

Thanks. I agree.... i think it's complete ****. I feel bad that my mom is being hurt so much. She did decide that this week she would drop in one afternoon on her. And try to figure out what is going on.
As far as i know my aunt is seeing a counciler and taking some medication to help her. But on occassion things go wrong and she's had to start from scratch again.
I know i will definatly be thinking twice about bending to make the plans that work best for my aunt and i think my mom will be the same way.

Good for you! Those people will ALWAYS cause problems and stir up the pot because that is what they know best. It is best not to conform and cater to them and do your own thing on your own terms!! DOn't let her get to you because thats what she wants!! She most likely wants others to feel bad because she doesn't feel so sh!t hot herself! ya know what I mean?!! take care

[tha_mrs]

Jen, sorry to hear about all of this. But it might not have been the hair style after all. My mom suffers from depression also. Have you all thought about the fact that she took your mom to get her hair done and then your mom turns around and never answers ANY of her calls? (I am not saying on purpose) But maybe your aunt was hurt because she felt abandoned by your mom? Hey it sounds weird but I bet it is just that. I agree with CanadianBride, take her to your aunt so they can talk.

[Jenn060306]

Jen, sorry to hear about all of this. But it might not have been the hair style after all. My mom suffers from depression also. Have you all thought about the fact that she took your mom to get her hair done and then your mom turns around and never answers ANY of her calls? (I am not saying on purpose) But maybe your aunt was hurt because she felt abandoned by your mom? Hey it sounds weird but I bet it is just that. I agree with CanadianBride, take her to your aunt so they can talk.

My mom is very good about returning her calls. The phone being off the hook is beyond her control and she was very busy with work and doing wedding things with me. It had been a day since they had seen eachother.
I really think that she needs to tell my mom what the problem is in order for her to fix it. My Aunt not returning my mom's calls is not the answer to any problems they may have.

[tha_mrs]

okay. It was just a suggestion. My mom suffers from depression and things that we see that are very small often seem extreme to her. sorry if my previous post didn't sound right. I wasn't saying it was your mom's fault or anything...I was just saying that maybe your aunt dosen't realize the phone was off the hook or dead or whatever and just took it like my mom would have and got upset. I'm sorry.

[Jenn060306]

okay. It was just a suggestion. My mom suffers from depression and things that we see that are very small often seem extreme to her. sorry if my previous post didn't sound right. I wasn't saying it was your mom's fault or anything...I was just saying that maybe your aunt dosen't realize the phone was off the hook or dead or whatever and just took it like my mom would have and got upset. I'm sorry.

Ohhh no, don't be sorry. Sorry if i sounded grumpy in my responds. I just get fustrated because i see how depressed my mom is becoming. My dad told my Aunt that the phone must have been off the hook when he spoke to her a month ago.
I understand that the small things can seem like they are huge when you have trouble with depression. I have had that happen to myself before.
I just can't imagine that it is making the situation for my aunt and her depression any better either.

[tha_mrs]

I totally agree.

[Jenn060306]

Ok..... Now i just want to cry.

Today has been the day from hell.... I slept in so i was late for class, i wasn't able to get my project done before the end of class. I figured i would be able to get it in by the end of the day though. But after i got it printed i found out the sizes were all wrong and nothing actually matched up. So i have to re-do it all so it actually does match up and work.
I was so pissed off and annoyed about it i figured i needed to walk away and take a break before it just got worse. I thought i would call my mom and talk to her. I then found out my Uncle RSVP'd yes to the wedding but not my Aunt.
I just cried... I want to cry even more. I am so mad/hurt/upset I didn't do anything wrong. I am not even involved in the problem. I have no clue what's even really going on, except my aunt won't return any of my moms calls. It was really important to me that my family be there with me on my wedding day. It's one of the biggest most important things i will do in my life. And because she's not happy with my mother she is not coming. I can't even imagine how i will not be sad when i see my uncle sitting there with my cousins but not my Aunt.
My mom is telling me not to worry about it, it's her loss. Which i agree. But i am soooo mad right now i just feel like screaming. This is NOT what i need right now. A stupid F:censored: 'n family feud brewing. I honestly just want to call her up and leave a nasty message on her stupid answering machine. I know it won't help the situation. But this is ridiculous!

[WhiskeyGirl]

Jenn

Why don't you call her? But don't be nasty! Just get to the bottom of things! Or call and talk to your uncle!! He will know what her deal is and besides if its bugging you so much, drag your mom to see her!!!!! Her acting childish (your aunt) is ridiculous but I can tell that this is really BUGGING you and you need for it to be fixed NOW, so that you may move on with your life! I can tell from all your posts you are a worrier and a people pleaser! (don't take offense to this, I am one too!!!!) Call your aunt! If she has caller id *67 it!! She won't know who's calling!! Talk it out and get it out in the open, that is the only way its going to get better!!
Take care hun!!

Shawna

[Jenn060306]

You are right Shawna, I am a worrier. I worry to the point where it can make me sick. Mark tells me that i shouldn't try to make everyone so happy all the time.
I think i am just going to back off and forget about it for a while. I can't stress about it right now. I've got to worry about getting my school work done. I can worry about the situation in May. If she doesen't want to come to the wedding then fine.... i don't want her to be there being a grump to everyone.

[WhiskeyGirl]

You are right Shawna, I am a worrier. I worry to the point where it can make me sick. Mark tells me that i shouldn't try to make everyone so happy all the time.
I think i am just going to back off and forget about it for a while. I can't stress about it right now. I've got to worry about getting my school work done. I can worry about the situation in May. If she doesen't want to come to the wedding then fine.... i don't want her to be there being a grump to everyone.

I see so much of myself in you!! I really am the same way but in the past few years I've adopted the attitude that you are talking about!! Its good that you are going to look after yourself because you are number 1!! Hopefully the situation will work out without devine intervention from you or anyone else. Hopefully your aunt will wake up from the rock she is hiding under and realize she is being childish and unreasonable!! I wish you the best and take care!! Look out for you and your wonderful man Mark!!! Take care

[Jenn060306]

Thanks. I apppreciate your help with this. I find it tough at times cause i am on my own so much. I'm waiting for Mar to get home. He's going to be pissed off that this whole thing has gone this far now.
This has been a really crappy day on its own. Her b/s is the least of the things i should be worrying about right now.
Thanks Shawna ;)

[WhiskeyGirl]

Hey no problem Jenn!! I am glad I am helping and not making you feel worse! Sometimes I am worried that what I say might come across wrong! Ya know how hard it is to put feeling into words on a computer screen!! I hope that things get better for you, just remember we are here for ya Girl!! Take care and take it easy! (Or as easy as you can ! :wink:)

[StaceyMc]

I'm a people pleaser too and would feel the same as you do about your Aunt and her antics.

Maybe give her a chance to cool off a little - it's unfortunate that this silliness happened just as your invites were going out. She may cool off and decide that RSVPing "No" was a stupid, idiotic thing (which it is). If it keeps going, I'd definately talk to her or your Uncle and find out what the problem is. If she doesn't come, as much as it will hurt you, it's her loss and I'm sure that she'll regret it in the future.

My FH's younger sister got married last August. His older sister was going through a rough time - divorce, etc. and his younger sister was going through some things herself, and his sister's got into an argument. His older sister did not come to her sister's wedding - she didn't even RSVP. It hurt his younger sister and I'm sure that his older sister regrets it, although I've never asked.

Hopefully your Aunt will wake up and see how unreasonable she's being, to hurt you over something that has nothing to do with you.

[Jenn060306]

Welll.... my Uncle called my mom yesterday to appologize. He feels sooooo terrible about what's going on. Apperently he's not even sure why she's not talking to my mom. She's driving him crazy too! She won't leave the house really. Only to go to the doctors and back. This is REALLY not like her, she lives in the middle of downtown Toronto because she loves the busy lots of people lots to do. I asked my mom if we should take her for help. But she doesen't think that will do anything because she is not a threat to herself at this point.
So.... my Uncle said he may not be able to come to the wedding now. It all depends pretty much on if she will let him or not. Which now makes me wonder if my cousins will come either. Possibly not because they still have to live with her. Although my mom thinks they might just come and not tell her that they are. I am so fustrated with this.
I'm debating if i am going to call my other cousin (my mom's brother's daughter) She's getting married in the winter and might have the same problem. I dunno though. Everything could be better by then. I hope so.

ARRRGH!

[CindySue]

Well, Jenn, if this mood came on fast then she could very well change back just as fast. I would go ahead and plan on them being there, just in case it happens at the last minute. She does sound like she is depressed.

[Jenn060306]

Well, Jenn, if this mood came on fast then she could very well change back just as fast. I would go ahead and plan on them being there, just in case it happens at the last minute. She does sound like she is depressed.

I know she has struggled with depression for the past few years. But i've never seen or heard of it going this far. If she decides to come at the last minute that will be fine. I think we have until May 31st to let them know how many people will be coming. I think i might give them the heads up that a couple extras may show up the wedding day.
Until then i really need to focus on the other things going on. I can not dwell on it because if i do it will ruin everything for me. And i refuse to let her do that. It's so much easier said then done for me.... but i really need to get through this next 7 weeks, then i can be upset. Not now.