im probably being silly but....

[NowAShelton]

(warning: this is a bit of a rant...ok its mostly a rant...sorry)


i know things(and people) dont magically change over night, but i was kind of hoping that things with joe and i would calm down a little and get back to how we were before wedding stuff, just happy to be around each other. not to say that he's not happy to be around me, but he doesnt really do anything to make me think he is.
it seems kinda like i annoy him. so i try to give him space and he asks me whats wrong and gets all weird about it.

its like he wants me to sit there and watch him play sports games and watch espn with him 24/7 without talking about anything unless he brings it up. sometimes i want to talk about our future or our new apartment or something! and some of you may think well maybe he's just overwhelmed with the "new" stuff and "future talk" and mushy stuff. well the thing is i hardly even get to bring it up! mostly we talk about tv and of course he talks about sports non stop.

whenever i try to talk about things that interest ME (since i sit through hours of whos playing with what team and who this player is and what-not) and i get grunts and "hm"s and totally uninterested "yeah"s

any time i even mention or ask him a question like, what kind of decorations would you like in the bathroom? (since it IS his apartment too) and he's like "i really dont care! im just gonna shower and sh!t in there anyway!" so ill say well i really like this, would you be ok with it? and he tells me its really ugly. so i find something else that i think we will both like and just ask him how bout this? and he bites my head off and tells me to stop asking questions he doesnt care. ?????

i know guys dont REALLY care about this stuff but i dont wanna just bring something home to OUR home that he absolutely hates looking at! (although out of spite i have considered it, even though knowing him he'd be like "so?" or "what new couch?")

if im being annoying, how do i be considerate without bugging the cr@p out of him?? and that question goes also for what i was talking about earlier...i know i cant MAKE him interested in things that interest me, but to be honest it kinda hurts my feelings because while hes going on and on about sports i listen and try to learn and ask questions because its important to him. and then when the tables are turned, i get nothin! any advice you married gals (and unmarried ones that are just plain smarter than me!) have would really help...! TIA:bbredface:

[snowflakebride]

1) You're right. Guys aren't interested in colors and decorations and things like that, usually. If you find one, congratulations, you've got a real gem there! The best advice with the home decor is this- ask his opinion like you have been, but once. If he says "I really don't care", that's what he means. Unlike girl language ("I don't care" = you're really making me mad right now, I do care and you better do what I want right now), guys really don't care when they say they don't. So let it go, do your thing and if he complains, smile sweetly and say "I asked for your opinion. Would you rather come with me next time so you can choose too?". Either he'll say yes, or realize that it could have been MUCH MUCH worse for him.

Ok, sorry that one was so long.

2) As for the ESPN Sportzone thing, the best advice I can give you is what I've done with FH- take up some kind of hobby that's fun for you. He may not want to talk right then, but he wants you there physically next to him, for whatever weird reason. I go through that with FH. You'll be so busy with your hobby (crafts, PC game, etc.) that you'll find yourself going "yeah" and "uh huh" when he finds something important to say!

To get what you want to say across, try to set it up away from sports/ESPN. Before he turns on the TV, say "Honey, there's something I really want to talk to you about that's really important to me. I would like your undivided attention, so could we talk after your game is over/before you start playing Madden 08?"

Reason why I set up timing the way I did: You don't want him annoyed that he's missing his game/show. However, if he's anything like my FH with video games, he won't be done until he's ready to go to bed, and then he'll be too tired to really get into the conversation.


I know this is all really long, but I hope it helps you out some!

[NowAShelton]

yeah i mean i figured it was just a guy thing as far as decoration goes, i just want us both to be happy and not mention i want to consult him because its not just my money that i would be spending...its OUR money.... i guess i also had that vision of him helping me a little bit more since we are a married couple yanno...building our home and all that sweet mushy stuff. (pipe dreams) but alas...i was not meant to be a lesbian...or attracted to sensitive guys.
anyway i think you're right and i need to stop trying to please "everyone" and if he doesnt like it then he should have helped me and just leave it at that!

as far as the sports thing....i

i do have something i do as a hobby but lately i cant really afford to get the things i need (scrapbooking but i have no book nor any paper left!)
so i just end up attempting to clean and pack. (and with this i get bored very quickly and i hate that im always doing it alone!)

ok so i totally sound like im trying to shoot down your ideas but that is totally not my intention! what you have makes perfect sense and i really dont wanna sound ungrateful! im still going to try this.
but like yours, joe doesnt stop until its bed time and by then he is too tired. and even when hes just sitting watching tv, i still get the same uninterest. and then when i try that sit down "i really want your opinion or i really want you to hear something" talk, to him im making a monuntain out of a mole hill...like so you sat me down to talk about THIS? chill out or get over it or do it yourself....
*sigh* joe really doesnt think with logic....he has his OWN logic in his own world..and unfortunately i still dont have a passport nor do i know the language!
i do thank you for your help though!

[swtearl]

To be totally HONEST with you...it sounds like he is NOT INTERESTED in what you want to talk about.

I don't know if you guys are married yet or not but let me tell you this....IT GETS WORSE OVER TIME!!!!!

I would suggest that you sit him down and tell him how you are feeling.

[mobdilemma]

Two things:
First, anytime you have been planning for a big event for a long time, there is definitely a let down when it's all over. It sounds a little like you are approaching your apartment decorating with the same enthusiasm you approached your wedding planning. That's not a bad thing but it may be that he was hoping for a break from "decision making" after the wedding. Maybe he wants to get back to the pre-wedding planning days as much as you do but for him it means just hanging out with the woman he fell in love with:D

Secondly, even if you lived together before you were married, marriage can change things a little as you both embrace this idea of "'til death do us part". It can be a little overwhelming:bbeek:

My suggestion: Chill on the decorating questions for awhile. Go on a date. Recapture the fun and romance from the beginning of your relationship. And, as some of the other ladies have mentioned, find a neutral time and place to TALK about what's bugging you and to LISTEN to what's bugging him. Trust me...if you want to have a happy marriage, you'll be doing that for years!

[lize566]

I don't really have much advice on the sports stuff since I am dealing with the EXACT same thing with my husband. I usually just tel him how I feel and explain that I want to spend time with him, but I don't want to spend time with ESPN, so if I could have just him sometimes that would be great. Usually he listens and it does get better, but it seems like I have to remind him every now and then. It's like he forgets that everything is not about him and sports all the time, not in a bad way necessarily, but just like in a him being a man and not thinking about how his actions affect me kind of way, ya know? It is frustrating, but I knew his obsession with sports before I married him, although it was different because before we didn't live together so when we saw each other we actually spent time together. I would just try to tell him how you feel and let him know that it's important to you and offer a solution, like one night a week you all go out, or if it's an every night kind of thing maybe for an hour you all compromise and watch something you both like. We got DVR and it helps b/c he can record the game and watch when I'm not home, or at least fast forward so it doesn't take as long. Good luck, and remember you are not alone with this issue!

[Deanna2112001]

My fh says... its harder for a guy to get into what girls likes. Its not manly. And the ones that do get into decorations and whatnots.. End up on bravo.

He says to leave him alone. He will come around. once he notices that your not including him on what your doing.

men really dont care about decorations.. Only decorations they are about is if they have their own room. Like the garage or basement.

Unless your hanging beer signs up on the walls. I would go ahead and give up on asking for his advice.

All that was from my fh

Now from me...

why not decorate the bathroom in his favorite team. And to get him interested in just doing something together.. Have a cook out.. invite friends over to watch sports. Other couples.. Then you have girls to talk to.. plus still be doing something with him.

[swtearl]

Well...this is what I do.....and I've been married over 25 years so I think it works....

I make sure that I spend time with my wife DAILY!! I love my sports ...its football season BUT.....I make sure EVERY night something is recorded that we can lay in the bed...cuddle and watch it.

She got me watching Top Chef, Top Design, Shear Genius, Project Runway and a few other shows. I watch these for her to spend time with her.

Its not all about sports its about your RELATIONSHIP!! IF these men don't start paying attention with their wifes OTHER THAN SEX she will seek the attention elsewhere!!

[EarlyBird]

have you tried to get into what interests him? Dont take this the wrong way but i have done it after going through the same thing you are and i found i REALLY enjoy the sports we watch.. i took on his fav teams and it has given us something to route for together - and gives us an excuse to wear matching outfits sometimes :)

[swtearl]

Why doesn't he have to get interested in what SHE'S interested in????

[EarlyBird]

well swtearl, remember, she has been planning a wedding for 1 year+. he probably felt like alot of that was her and her ideas.. i know thats how my fiance feels..

Also, its probably more likely to see a girl getting into sports then a man getting into scrapbooking... just sayin

[swtearl]

Well....if she's into scrapbooking then he needs to show interest. It can't be all one sided

[EarlyBird]

I see your side, and not in this for a debate but if he isnt noticing their is a problem, she needs it to be one sided (since she is the only one that sees a problem) so she can show how she is willing to meet halfway. There is a middle ground between being one sided and open minded..

Nowashelton, i know you from when you were planning your wedding and i know how devoted you were to everything being perfect, and it was all very gorgeous. Unfortunatley, i have heard of so many women who lived with their fiances before the wedding and they were so wrapped up in the wedding, they let their fiance kind of find his own hobbies and after the wedding, when the planning was done for her, his hobbies were still there. Unfortunatley, i think i will be in that same boat but thats looking to be where you are :) This too shall pass! Your love is no less strong then it was 2 months ago, life is just settling in :) Good Luck

[swtearl]

I think she should have a serious talk to him about how she feels. I do not think it will pass but only get worse but thats just my opinion.

Talk to him!!

[Tadswife]

(warning: this is a bit of a rant...ok its mostly a rant...sorry)


i know things(and people) dont magically change over night, but i was kind of hoping that things with joe and i would calm down a little and get back to how we were before wedding stuff, just happy to be around each other. not to say that he's not happy to be around me, but he doesnt really do anything to make me think he is.
it seems kinda like i annoy him. so i try to give him space and he asks me whats wrong and gets all weird about it.

its like he wants me to sit there and watch him play sports games and watch espn with him 24/7 without talking about anything unless he brings it up. sometimes i want to talk about our future or our new apartment or something! and some of you may think well maybe he's just overwhelmed with the "new" stuff and "future talk" and mushy stuff. well the thing is i hardly even get to bring it up! mostly we talk about tv and of course he talks about sports non stop.

whenever i try to talk about things that interest ME (since i sit through hours of whos playing with what team and who this player is and what-not) and i get grunts and "hm"s and totally uninterested "yeah"s

any time i even mention or ask him a question like, what kind of decorations would you like in the bathroom? (since it IS his apartment too) and he's like "i really dont care! im just gonna shower and sh!t in there anyway!" so ill say well i really like this, would you be ok with it? and he tells me its really ugly. so i find something else that i think we will both like and just ask him how bout this? and he bites my head off and tells me to stop asking questions he doesnt care. ?????

i know guys dont REALLY care about this stuff but i dont wanna just bring something home to OUR home that he absolutely hates looking at! (although out of spite i have considered it, even though knowing him he'd be like "so?" or "what new couch?")

if im being annoying, how do i be considerate without bugging the cr@p out of him?? and that question goes also for what i was talking about earlier...i know i cant MAKE him interested in things that interest me, but to be honest it kinda hurts my feelings because while hes going on and on about sports i listen and try to learn and ask questions because its important to him. and then when the tables are turned, i get nothin! any advice you married gals (and unmarried ones that are just plain smarter than me!) have would really help...! TIA:bbredface:

WAIT! DID YOU MARRY MY HUSBAND BY ACCIDENT!:bbeek: The words you have described are exactly what I go through in my everyday life. I don't even get a kiss or anything when he walks through the door. It's straight to the remote and ESPN appears in a matter of seconds. or FSN or ESPN 2, I could go on. I feel exactly the same way you do everyday. So I figured why not join him. So this season of baseball we ended up going to three games together. I can't find myself getting in to football or anyother thing he may be interested in, so I have chose to work all day on Sundays during football season. But I know his interest in sports is huge so I did decorate our half bath in his favorite collage basketball team, I turned out den in to a football theme and our loft into a baseball theam. All in his favorite teams.As for talking in with him, I still have to found a way to communicate to my dh about certain things, because when I bring it up he seems not interested or just agrees to shut me up. I have recently tried to talk to him about his stocks and other areas that we should really look at since out economy has took a huge dump. I told him if the economy still keeps going like this he would need to pull his stocks before he has no money. "We'll be ok" is all I got. So I feel your pain. Communicating with my hubby is not the easiest thing. But I do hide the remote when I want to really have somthing to say:o But we have turned Saturday nights into date nites. So we can have that time together and talk. It has turned out really well

[swtearl]

WAIT! DID YOU MARRY MY HUSBAND BY ACCIDENT!:bbeek: The words you have described are exactly what I go through in my everyday life. I don't even get a kiss or anything when he walks through the door. It's straight to the remote and ESPN appears in a matter of seconds. or FSN or ESPN 2, I could go on. I feel exactly the same way you do everyday. So I figured why not join him. So this season of baseball we ended up going to three games together. I can't find myself getting in to football or anyother thing he may be interested in, so I have chose to work all day on Sundays during football season. But I know his interest in sports is huge so I did decorate our half bath in his favorite collage basketball team, I turned out den in to a football theme and our loft into a baseball theam. All in his favorite teams.As for talking in with him, I still have to found a way to communicate to my dh about certain things, because when I bring it up he seems not interested or just agrees to shut me up. I have recently tried to talk to him about his stocks and other areas that we should really look at since out economy has took a huge dump. I told him if the economy still keeps going like this he would need to pull his stocks before he has no money. "We'll be ok" is all I got. So I feel your pain. Communicating with my hubby is not the easiest thing. But I do hide the remote when I want to really have somthing to say:o But we have turned Saturday nights into date nites. So we can have that time together and talk. It has turned out really well

Saturday nite date nite?? WHat a wonderful IDEA!!!

The communication part is the part that worries me. The reason being...it gets WORSE over time.

I just don't understand why these men don't want to talk to their women!!

[candars]

My hubby is the same way. It's football season right now, so he's been watching football a lot! When he's watching football, it is impossible to talk to him! But, I don't think that it has ever gotten worse. We have been together for 10 years this February and he's always been like this. If anything, he has gotten better.
One thing I've noticed, is that women can multitask. Most men, no offense to any reading this, but a lot of men can't. If they are doing something, you have to wait until they are finished before they can even focus, especially if sports are on. I have learned to enjoy football and we just went to the OU game not too long ago, we had a lot of fun, too! But, I wouldn't count on your hubby being interested in scrapbooking. I would just talk to him about stuff in his "downtime". And, just keep in mind, it's not you and you're definitely not alone!

[mitch]

My FH is a Computer Junkie. As soon as He comes in from work. It's off with the overalls while i make Him a cup of coffee. He disappears upstairs to His PC. I take His coffee up and then i hardly see Him.
Especially if He has had a rotten day at work. Sometimes it's best to just keep out the way. That way He doesn't take it out on Me.

I come downstairs, do chores. Dinner if He's hungry. (Sometimes He eats at work and doesn't want anything cooked)
I then go on line and MSN Him! :bbeek:

Yep We talk via the Internet. :rofl:

Sometimes it's the only way to get through to Him without throwing Electrical Appliances. hehehe.

Plus if there's something really serious and i don't want to cry infront of Him. I PM Him and We chat online. Sad when You think about it. But it's how We started out (In a chatroom) and We both find it easier.

After a while He will come downstairs and We cosy up on the sofa and have a chat. Watch a bit of TV. Lounge around then go to bed.

Talk to Your Man. If He wont listen then write it down and make Him read it. Maybe if the words were in print and not coming out as what appears to be nagging. (I'm not saying You nag. But Men just think We are) He might get a better grip onto the problem before it spirials out of control.
That's why FH and Myself "chat" online. SEEING the words and not hearing them makes them sit up and see it for real.

Good Luck.

[Tadswife]

My FH is a Computer Junkie. As soon as He comes in from work. It's off with the overalls while i make Him a cup of coffee. He disappears upstairs to His PC. I take His coffee up and then i hardly see Him.
Especially if He has had a rotten day at work. Sometimes it's best to just keep out the way. That way He doesn't take it out on Me.

I come downstairs, do chores. Dinner if He's hungry. (Sometimes He eats at work and doesn't want anything cooked)
I then go on line and MSN Him! :bbeek:

Yep We talk via the Internet. :rofl:

Sometimes it's the only way to get through to Him without throwing Electrical Appliances. hehehe.

Plus if there's something really serious and i don't want to cry infront of Him. I PM Him and We chat online. Sad when You think about it. But it's how We started out (In a chatroom) and We both find it easier.

After a while He will come downstairs and We cosy up on the sofa and have a chat. Watch a bit of TV. Lounge around then go to bed.

Talk to Your Man. If He wont listen then write it down and make Him read it. Maybe if the words were in print and not coming out as what appears to be nagging. (I'm not saying You nag. But Men just think We are) He might get a better grip onto the problem before it spirials out of control.
That's why FH and Myself "chat" online. SEEING the words and not hearing them makes them sit up and see it for real.

Good Luck.

I have definatly thought of putting my thoughts on paper, but often just throw it away thinking he will read it and just shug it away and my thoughts will go right into the garbage :sob:
So our Saturday night date nites work out very well in this area. This way we have no tv to interupt us and he has no choice but to give me his undivided attention:D

[RosieAngel]

My FH is a Computer Junkie. As soon as He comes in from work. It's off with the overalls while i make Him a cup of coffee. He disappears upstairs to His PC. I take His coffee up and then i hardly see Him.
Especially if He has had a rotten day at work. Sometimes it's best to just keep out the way. That way He doesn't take it out on Me.

I come downstairs, do chores. Dinner if He's hungry. (Sometimes He eats at work and doesn't want anything cooked)
I then go on line and MSN Him! :bbeek:

Yep We talk via the Internet. :rofl:

Sometimes it's the only way to get through to Him without throwing Electrical Appliances. hehehe.

Plus if there's something really serious and i don't want to cry infront of Him. I PM Him and We chat online. Sad when You think about it. But it's how We started out (In a chatroom) and We both find it easier.

After a while He will come downstairs and We cosy up on the sofa and have a chat. Watch a bit of TV. Lounge around then go to bed.

Talk to Your Man. If He wont listen then write it down and make Him read it. Maybe if the words were in print and not coming out as what appears to be nagging. (I'm not saying You nag. But Men just think We are) He might get a better grip onto the problem before it spirials out of control.
That's why FH and Myself "chat" online. SEEING the words and not hearing them makes them sit up and see it for real.

Good Luck.

OMG, DH and I instant message each other, too, sometimes when we're in the same room! Like sometimes, I'll make an emoticon like :kiss:, and then go over and kiss him, haha!

As for NowAShelton's problem... I'm not sure how to help with everything, since I have a husband who loves to talk talk talk talk talk, but with decorating, maybe you can pick out something you like, then say, "Hey, I like this, do you?" Then you can get a simple yes/no answer.

[snowflakebride]

NowAShelton- you haven't responded in this thread since you first posted it in August. Have things gotten better for you guys?

[tha_mrs]

I really hope they have. I knowhow she feels. FH is a football maniac. But, I learned the game and now, Monday night football is a party for our house. We eat wings or pizza with the kids and we watch the game. on sunday nights we put the kids to bed and he and i watch the game. It also comes on saturdays. I usually will be cleaning while he watches or the kids and i are gone. during the summer he watches we go bridal every sunday night. we also watch rich bride poor bride. and if we both happen to be at home on saturdays and the game is over we will watch food network(that's my fav station). we need the date nite though. I have been talking to him about it.

[mitch]

OMG, DH and I instant message each other, too, sometimes when we're in the same room! Like sometimes, I'll make an emoticon like :kiss:, and then go over and kiss him, haha!


It's comforting to know i'm not the only "Lunatic" around then. :winktongue:

FH is normally upstairs and i'm in the room directly below.
In Our last House He was in the next room.

When i hear him sneeze i PM "Bless You" :rofl:

Or We PM "It's Your Turn To Make A Cup Of Tea"