Do I have to show FMIL my wedding dress?

[barterbride]

If you look strictly at etiquetter, does a bride have to show her wedding dress to FMIL? For some crazy reason, FMIL has it in
her head that she is just like my mom and thinks she
has every right to see the dress-she actually said
that to me. She also is upset that she wasn't there
when I went to pick out the dress with my mom and she
wants to help me get ready on my wedding day-I don't
want her to. I feel strongly that the whole wedding
dress is just a mother-daughter thing.
She isn't my mom and quite frankly, I am
annoyed at her attitude-she doesn't understand that she doesn't know me like that, that she isn't my mom
and we aren't close. I just don't feel comfortable
sharing these things with her. How can I just get her
to back off and give me room? I have polled friends,
family and etiquette books-none of their FMILs saw
their wedding dresses at all, so why should my FMIL?
And why is she so insistent? A big reason I don't want my FMIL involved is because when the first thing out of her mouth when FH introduced me was "What makes YOU think you are good enough to marry MY son?"
She said this after looking me up and down. Now, after
Fh jumped on her for this, she apologized, saying she
was nervous, blah, blah, but I think she meant to say
what she did.

[usahgrad]

I didn't know there was an etiquette as to who sees your dress before the wedding, with the exception of the groom and even that's more of a personal choice nowadays. While I wouldn't have brought my FMiL to the store when I picked it out, she was there when we ordered the gown and she may be there for the final fitting. I wouldn't purposefully exclude her from those types of things, but maybe that's just me.

[WhiskeyGirl]

My MIL saw only a picture of my dress! I wanted to show her my actual dress but she screwed around and so only my DH's aunt saw it!! (it was kinda my final fitting right before the wedding to make sure it fit!!!) If you don't want her to see it tell her its as much a suprise for her as it will be for you FH!! Tell her to back off or get your FH to do it...if he can't then there's a problem there and you need to address it! She has no RIGHT to see it, but if you feel you want to LET her than thats your choice! And NO, she also has no right to help you get ready or to have even picked out your dress! If you wanted her to you would have invited her!! Good luck with this!! Stand your ground, its your day, do it your way!!!!!!!!!

[Hayz]

The only people that saw my dress before the big day was my parents and my bridesmaid.

I don't believe anyone else needs to see it. You could just say to your FMiL or anyone else asking to see it that you are keeping it a surprise for the big day.


A big reason I don't want my FMIL involved is because when the first thing out of her mouth when FH introduced me was "What makes YOU think you are good enough to marry MY son?"



By the sounds of things she must think you are good enough to marry her son now as she wants to help you get ready and perhaps she is just excited as you are.
But definately I also believe that it should be your own parents (and bridesmaid/s) that help you get ready.

Does she not want to be with her son while he gets ready? This would make more sense.

Stick to your guns girl. Maybe the easiest way to explain things is that you just want everything kept a surprise for when you first appear walking down the aisle. Surely she would be able to accept and understand this.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Kacie_bride]

It's a personal choice for me. If you don't want her to see it, then she shouldn't see it.

[CindySue]

Im toying with the idea of another dress. The one I have is ivory and Brian is going to be wearing a white shirt. Im scared my dress will look dirty. We are getting Brian shirt and then we will compare and see. Now if I DO get another dress, my FMiL will probably be the one with me. But we ARE close like that.
I dont think you should be pressured into anything you dont feel comfortable doing. Does your FH have a sister? If he doesnt, your wedding may be the only time she gets to be that close to the action. If he has brothers, their wives may go through the same BS. Good luck.

[rainbowtreat]

Cindy I was thinking the same thing about her not having any daughters of her own. I showed my FMIL a picture of my dress only because she is in WV and cant see the real thing. Only one person has actualy seen it and that was a freind of mine wh ois not even in the wedding. The only one availabe to go with me at the time. But I love sowingoff my dress to any one who wants to see it. Except for Nicholas that is.

If you dont want her as part of all this then you need to let her know or have you FH tell her. Good luck with it all.

[barterbride]

FH has no sisters, just 2 brothers and he is the first to get hitched. I just don't feel it is my job to include her in my wedding dress shopping. That is my mother's territory.

[Jen]

You wedding day is about you and that must be your first priority! Obviously you don’t have much time for FMIL, but to me this could cause issues. My opinion – YOUR life would be easier if you let go of the comment that she make to you about being good enough for her son. Mothers are very weird with their sons and your FH needs to sort this out with her! She sounds like an overbearing woman who stills sees the man you love as a little boy! Once again – your FH needs to let his mother know that she needs to back off and he is a grown man – otherwise she will be a constant problem for both of you. This is his endaba – YOU need to let it go now because it is causing you much unnecessary stress! Why give her that much power!

On to the dress – let her see it – there is no harm in that! I agree that if you don’t want her there to help you get dressed then she cant be there – it is a special thing for you and your mum! She must understand this – if not – shame – don’t let it get to you! Her problems have nothing to do with you, so let her deal with them.

In short – put the past where it belongs and try to get on with her as best you can – it will make your life easier. Lets face it – she is going to be part of your life for ever, so you had better make the most of it!

[barterbride]

What is endaba? No, I am sorry, I think I have made up my mind. I am not showing her my wedding dress and I find it hard to let go of her comments

[WhiskeyGirl]

What is endaba? No, I am sorry, I think I have made up my mind. I am not showing her my wedding dress and I find it hard to let go of her comments

I don't blame you for finding her comments to be hurtful and very WRONG!! Have you thought about the three of you sitting down to discuss why she feels this way about you?? Or if it were me, I'd just tell the FH to tell her to shut up and forget seeing my dress with an attittude like that!! If you let her walk all over you now, she may well think she can continue after you are married and then you have the monster inlaw from hell!! Good luck with everything!!

[CindySue]

I don't blame you for finding her comments to be hurtful and very WRONG!! Have you thought about the three of you sitting down to discuss why she feels this way about you?? Or if it were me, I'd just tell the FH to tell her to shut up and forget seeing my dress with an attittude like that!! If you let her walk all over you now, she may well think she can continue after you are married and then you have the monster inlaw from hell!! Good luck with everything!!
I agree that you might want to find out what the problem may be. And I especially agree that you should NOT let her walk all over you.
Good Luck!

[Jenn060306]

Sorry to hear you're FMiL is so addiment about it. I wouldn't allow it if i were you. It really does sound like you and her don't have a really close relationship, this is a really big day for your mother and it may hurt her feelings to have your FH's mother getting overly involved in it.
Let her know you would rather spend the time with your own family because it is one of the last big things you will due with them before you are married.

[Twigler]

I agree with the girls on here. You need to make sure to stand your ground and do what makes you and your fiance happy. Your wedding day is about the two of you! Yes, family is included, but they are not the real importance here. What does your fiance think of all of this? Does he support your decisions or does he stand up for his mother? I am sure he is in a pickle! I am so sorry that you are having this type of problem. Your wedding should be the best time of your life (or one of the best times) and it is too bad that she has to try to ruin it for you.

As for what I have done (not that it really matters though), I went to try on dresses in November and I made sure to invite my FMIL. I love my fiance's parents to death! My fiance is one of two brothers, so his mother has never gotten to do this sort of thing because she has no daughters. I am making sure to involve her as much as I can tolerate! But then again, I get along really well with his parents so that is a totally different story.

My main advice...do what YOU want and stand up for it!! Best of luck and hold your head high!!!

[Jacklynn]

If my FMIL asks to see my dress I will show it to her, but I wouldn't see a need for her to go with me looking for a dress, you are very right that that is more a mother/daughter thing. I guess it just depends on how close the relationship is, and it is obvious that you are not close at all, so she probably just needs to chill.

One question though, does she have any daughters? she could just be kinda depressed that she doesn't get to do the whole mother of the bride thing if she doesn't have any daughters

[nikkiana]

Before UW crashed, there was a woman who posted who sounded like she could almost be your FMIL, barterbride!

The lady was the mother of the groom and was extremely excited about her son's wedding and wanted to do anything to help and the bride didn't want her to have anything to do with her wedding planning and it really hurt the mother of the groom's feelings (on top of this, the her son and FDIL had a child together, and the FDIL was kinda being witchy about allowing the MOG to see her grandchild).

Anyway, from your post and remembering what that dejected MOG wrote, I think the wisest thing to do is to find some sort of compromise to keep the peace....

Etiquitte wise, you're not entitled to let the MOG help with picking out the dress and other things for the wedding but it seems like from what you've said she seems overly excited over the wedding and wants to be involved... She's probably just coming off overbearing...

If you really don't want to share the dress with the world until the wedding, I'd tell her so.... but don't be mean about it, just explain calmly that you want the dress to be a surprise for everyone.

If you can, set aside a project or a decision or two to have FMIL help with... Your not required to, but I think it's a nice gesture to make her feel included and wanted.... If you don't know her well, it's a chance to get to know her... She might not be your mom, but she is FH's mom....

[Crystal05]

I usually thought most MIL's saw the dress.. but I guess if you don't want her to.. then don't.

[Jena1984]

I don't think that it is anyones buisness who sees the dress befor the wedding. Just tell you FMIL that you appreciate her interest but this is something you have dreamed about doing with your mother, and maybe try to find somehting else you can do together that would be special for you two.

[tiaraqueen]

I don't plan on showing my FMIL my wedding dress and I know my mom didn't show her MIL and none of my friends or relatives have shown their MILs their wedding dress. I never knew that was the norm. I will say that your FMIL is a tad pushy and maybe a bit overbearing. She should realize that some things are just for a mom and daughter only.

And as far as those awful comments she made, I wouldn't forgive them. What was she thinking?

[SerendipityCrafts]

Why are we digging up old posts?

[frenchie]

I think it's a matter of personal preference. If she's REALLY offended at not seeing it, maybe you should at least show her a picture just to appease the tension. She doesn't sound like the nicest person in the world, and rather than trying to win this battle, it might be best to try to soothe things rather than make an enemy out of her -- even if she IS being unreasonable.

[SerendipityCrafts]

alessia - Just thought you should know that the OP is long gone and I suspect they were a troll (someone just posting to stir things up).

[frenchie]

Oh sorry - I saw that the thread was still on the first page and assumed it was recent - I should have checked the date and read all of the posts. Thanks.