Why won't they understand?

[lillypad]

Things had been going good with my future in-laws until today and now I don't know what to do. I finally got around to organizing the guest list and counting up the total guests, and there were more people than our venue can hold. My fiance is sure many of the people on his side won't actually be able to make it I just don't feel comfortable inviting more people than we have space for. This is mostly because we live in an extremely popular tourist area and some guests are already planning to come down on vacation and make our wedding part of there week. So I went though my side and cut out everyone I possibly could and since he has considerably more invites on his side than mine (I don't mind he has more people) I asked him to see who we could just send an announcement to instead of an invitation. So he called his mom to see who she was ok with doing this for and now his parents are saying I am trying to keep his family out because my side is paying, and that is just not true. We have a booked venue than can hold 110 MAX, 100 would be preferable, I have gotten the list down to 129 guests, 24 are my family and family friends, 7 mutual friends and the rest is his side. I understand many will not show but I just do not feel comfortable inviting more people than the venue can hold, am I just being unreasonable, is there a better way to explain this to them?

[RosieAngel]

A lot of relatives are like this - they don't understand why they don't get to plan your entire wedding their way, including picking out the venue, the guests, your dress... :irked:

I really don't have much advice, my dear, but I do sympathize. After she harassed FH about doing things her way until he literally broke into a sweat, I had to take the phone away and tell FMIL that she had one of two choices: to be happy at our modest wedding (30 guests), or to stay home sucking lemons. That shut her up real good. :cool:

[Lucky1]

I think he needs to tell his mother that his side of the family on the guest lists already far outnumbers yours. He needs to give hier specific numbers-that only 24 of the guests are your family members! He also needs to ask her why it is so important that his family comprise nearly 4x more guests than your side. She won't have a logical explination and if she still wants to complain invite her to pay for a new venue that will hold more people and also invite her to pay the cancellation fee on your old venue.

[brendalin]

I think he needs to tell his mother that his side of the family on the guest lists already far outnumbers yours. He needs to give hier specific numbers-that only 24 of the guests are your family members! He also needs to ask her why it is so important that his family comprise nearly 4x more guests than your side. She won't have a logical explination and if she still wants to complain invite her to pay for a new venue that will hold more people and also invite her to pay the cancellation fee on your old venue.


I think that this is awesome advice! FH needs to show your mom the numbers and explain that you are not trying to keep his family out because yours is paying. In fact, they are monopolizing the guest list. Then show them how many people you have cut out to help accomidate their large list!

Sorry you have to deal with this! Such a hard situation!

[Tatum]

Dont you hate that when mil trys to take things over at times. I'm not trying to be B*tchy but to avoid any conflict over MY and MY FIANCE"S wedding I am just planning the wedding completely by myself. The things that I have come up with ideas I came up with on my own I hired each one of the bridesmaids to help me with. The invitations one is helping me with. Decorating I actually hired a cousin to do. Im going to set up one table and she is going to do the rest for me that way. Were gonna pay her 100 dollars. It sounds snotty but I avoid everyone and I make time for myself and sit home and think about what I want and dont mention my ideas to anyone unless they ask. I go ahead and start the project so no one can tell me to change it. ITS ALL ME. i dont want advice unless I ASK. LEAVE MY WEDDING ALONE!!!! Sorry our wedding but I got in the way. just venting i am a nice person though sorry to come off mean

[Micah's bride]

I had a similar problem with FH's grandmother. She started naming off people while we were out to dinner one night that we could invite to the wedding. FH is an only child and so is his mother, so I had no idea where these people were coming from, unless they were long lost relatives. Come to find out, her list included her two best friends, her hairdresser and various other people that I have never and probably will never meet. I told FH that there was no way I was inviting all of those people to the wedding when I had already been trying to decide who not to invite because of expenses.

[Jenna5366]

I would show her the guest list, with your family highlighted in one colour, and his in another. Also show her who you have cut out from your side already.

[mitch]

I had a similar problem with FH's grandmother. She started naming off people while we were out to dinner one night that we could invite to the wedding. FH is an only child and so is his mother, so I had no idea where these people were coming from, unless they were long lost relatives. Come to find out, her list included her two best friends, her hairdresser and various other people that I have never and probably will never meet. I told FH that there was no way I was inviting all of those people to the wedding when I had already been trying to decide who not to invite because of expenses.

It's rather sad when you realise there are so many Hangers-on at Weddings.
I say tell them no. If you don't know them that well then it don't matter too much if you hurt their feelings. Sometimes you have to be hard on these things.

[lillypad]

Well I have not horribly disrespected her family and am rudely forcing her son to cut his family out of the wedding....this just keeps getting more fun. Wouldn't let us get a full sentence out let alone explain the her family already made up way more of the list than mine. I am just printing everything out so I can just hand her the paper showing who is invited from what side and see if that makes it sink in.

[scarymary48]

That's a really good idea. It gets your point across without being snarky, and pretty much leaves no room for her to argue.

[flyerso6]

DH's parents got so mad at us because we wouldn't invite their entire neighborhood ( not quite the whole thing but most of it ), and all their friends to our destination wedding !! His dad got really mad we wouldn't invite all his buddies from his old job!! Im glad DH said no and I didn't have too. I didn't invite half of my family ( mostly because I don't like a few of them but still ). Funny thing is at our wedding and the cruise after I found out that they said "they should have only invited people they are close to and close family to this " lol. They had a reception at home for us, it was mostly their friends and neighbors suprise suprise. Don't get me wrong I am very greatful they did that but I kinda got the feeling ( by the way they acted at the party ) that it was more of a get together for their friends than a party celebrating our wedding. Oh well I got to see my cousin I hardly get to see ( only cousin on my moms side ).

[ToySoldier]

The FMIL hasn't done anything like that, but the FSIL's are getting on my last nerve. Never were around for Brit, live completely screwed up lives, but they demand a bridesmaid/matron of honor position, and to help design the wedding.

I really can't understand why people are so desperate to throw themselves into the planning of a wedding that's not theirs. Drives me insane.:irked:

[Thalia_themuse]

The FMIL hasn't done anything like that, but the FSIL's are getting on my last nerve. Never were around for Brit, live completely screwed up lives, but they demand a bridesmaid/matron of honor position, and to help design the wedding.

I really can't understand why people are so desperate to throw themselves into the planning of a wedding that's not theirs. Drives me insane.:irked:

Maybe they want to feel special because they have screwed up lives...? Who knows why people do all the crazy things they do. It sucks that they're being so pushy though... picking bridesmaids is for you to do, so I don't know why they would expect that anyway!

Lillipad - I agree with handing her the paper, and maybe differentially highlighted like someone pointed out. What ridiculous, childish behaviour from her!