My maid of honor is a maid of HORROR

[sweetNCgurl]

I want to say that I'm so happy I found this website. Right now I am SO frusturated that I just want to scream. It was my one day off from work and what a way to spend it! So here is my situation:

I'm getting married in Poland this June. I live in USA but my family and fiance are Polish so that is why we chose to have the wedding there. My maid of honor, who is also Polish, lives here in NC too. We have known each other for over 10 years. Most of the wedding stuff in Poland (ie: catering, cakes, reception, church, photography, video, etc) is already booked and out of the way. Things that I'm taking care of here, such as, invitations, bridesmaid dresses, jewelry, the groomsmen ties, party favors, little details like napkins, etc I am doing here and is still in the process. Let me tell you, my maid of honor (horror) has done almost nothing to help me out. She went 2 times with me to look at bridesmaid dresses and we didn't find anything. When we went to look for my wedding gown, she didn't even seem to be interested. I went to look for bridesmaid dresses with my mom and sister and found a dress that I THOUGHT would suite everyone. I ordered 3 of them (for my 3 bridesmaids) and when they came in, she was "too busy" to go with me to pick them up. So I went with my sister to get hers and my soon to be sis in laws. Finally today, she found time to get hers. She calls me after she gets to the mall and starts yelling at me because she didn't know she was supposed to pay for her own dress. I told her that we had this conversation about 2 months ago that the bridesmaids pay for the dresses and I was going to pay for the jewelry. Anyways, she ended up not getting the dress because she said she didn't have any money on her. She tried the dress on and said it was not comfortable and thinks it's not fair that I picked this dress without her there. Now she is thinking about finding another dress just for herself because she doesn't like the one we chose. But when I invite her to join, she is "too busy." :censored:
I finally told her that it seems to me that she is not putting any effort into our wedding. She has not helped me with addressing, or choosing invitations, finding flowers to match, party favors, hair styles, you know, all the little details that matter. I know she is busy with school and work, but on the weekends she parties when we could be getting together. Our communication is aweful and I don't even know what to say to her anymore. She is told me today that I am self-centered and that her world does not revolve around my wedding only. I told her she is only adding to my stress level with the wedding 3 months away. She was very rude to me by saying that I must have forgotten how it feels to be in school and work at the same time, and it's not her problem that I'm stressed because I wanted to get married so fast. (The wedding has been planned since last October) Anything I say to her, she tries to make me feel guilty by turning the problem as something I did wrong. I want her to understand that she is a maid of honor and she needs to take this responsibility seriously. Ofcoarse I will be stressed out with only months away till the wedding, and I need her to be here for me, not against me. Our friendship has totally fallen apart in the past month. please help me, what do I do, what else can I tell her to make her understand that this day is so special for me and that I need her help sometimes without her getting mad at me. We are arguing constantly and it's not getting anywhere, just hurt feelings. ::One Problem:: People tell me that I should replace her role as the maid of honor, but she along with her family, bought plane tickets for our wedding. :bbconfused: :censored: :censored:

[ikkin510]

Your MOH sounds just like my sister. She has given me the same "I don't have time to help with the wedding, makes decision, etc because I have school, work and my own life" speach. It is upsetting. My sister is just a BM and I'm luck my MOH is helping out. I finally just said forget it and don't even look to her for help. I have other people that are willing to help. She is just in the wedding party because she is my sister. If you have other people to help, look to them. Sometimes ya have to be tough and say, This is the dress you are going to wear. Or if you see something else that you like let me see if first and I"ll make a decision. My MOH's dress is slightly different from the the other BM's. Remind her again though that she is going to be paying for it herself. If you do have other people to help, then try to just rely on them. Everyone on the boards here is very helpful too and we will try to help however we can. Good luck!

[CarlosHoney]

Well, I know how it is being busy. But when you accept the role of MOH, you're supposed to help with these things. By the way, she doesn't have to be there when you pick the dress. That's not the way it works! If you include her in the decision making, it's because you're NICE. Not because you have to.

You can still de-mote her and have her be a bridesmaid. Just find someone who will be actually interested in helping with these things.

[Kacie_bride]

First of all, most all the time bridesmaids pay for their own attire. It says that in like every wedding book in the country that I've looked at. If she doesn't know that she must live in la la land. No way should you allow her to pick another dress. Nor does she have to come with you to help you pick out the dresses. It is a nice jesture that you took and she didn't want to go. I didn't include my bridesmaids when I picked out the dress. I did like you, I picked one that I thought would look good on everybody. I know you're in crunch time right now and it might be hard to find a replacement, but maybe you should consider having her not in the wedding. If she has a bad attitude now it may carry over into the actual day. You wouldn't want her to ruin it. Nothing should get in the way of your happiness! This is your day sweetie!

[sweetNCgurl]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I haven't made a decision yet but we are thinking about demoting her to just a bridesmaid. You are right, this is my special day. No one should be this upset and stressed out, and my maid of honor shouldn't make me feel this way. I haven't talked to her about this situation all weekend (like I said earlier, she likes to party on the weekends) but I do intend to. Thanks again!