Fmil, Is This Your Wedding?>!?!?!?!

[tawni8806]

OH MY LORD!!!!!!!!!! FIRST OF ALL I already typed this and my computer lost it. ******.

Ok, so my FMIL thinks this is her wedding. She calls me, or her son AT LEAST 5 times a day, AT LEAST! No joke. Asking whats new, telling me about RSVP's and asking how Jayden is (Our son.)

Today she called and told me to make up 10 more invitations. She is going to invite co-workers. HELLO! She's worked there about one year and we have never met ANYONE she works with. We are doing a buffet style dinner, and have a small area which our coordinator has suggested we dont have more than 80 people in attendance. We mailed out 80 invitations, Im thinking alot of people will show. Most have families. So for every invitation, we'll count it as 3 people. Out of the 240 we have invited Im assuming about 150 will already be coming.

She chose the room we are having the wedding in. We could have gone bigger. And money is no issue for them, they both make 6 figures. In fact they volunteered to pay for the wedding, they wanted us not to wait so long since Fi and I have been living together for 2 years, and now have a son. THEY OFFERED....therefore I kinda expect it to happen.

Now my FMIL is saying that she has just enough money for what we have already. Well, I am a bride, and I decided yesterday that I also want to do a candy buffet. She asked me if I was planning on paying for it. I said I was hoping she would, since it's part of the wedding, and she knows we are on a TIGHT budget with a new baby.

She said "I'll have to look at it, and see if I like it...." She pays EXTRAVAGANT amounts of money for things that I didn't even want. Such as flowers, we spent ALOT on our florist, and I only wanted something for the arch and bouquets. She got boutteners FOR ALL FAMILY. I'm just getting frustrated with her thinking this is her wedding. She pays for anything that she wants easily, dropping 100's left and right, but when I want something even if it's on the cheap end, she tries to veer away from it. I'm outspoken. I can't take it anymore.

ITS MY WEDDING! I am going to have a **** candy buffet, and I am not letting her FRIKEN co-workers come. We are already over the limit. This is going to be a stressful day if we have more people show than we have room for. Especially if not everyone RSVP's.

How do I get my FMIL to BACK OFF?!?!

I'm stressing.

[mitch]

Do what you've done here. Tell Her!!

You said you are outspoken so tell her exactly what you think. It's great to finally read a Bride to be who has some balls!

If you want a candy buffet then do it.
If you don't want her co-workers there, then don't invite them.

Tell her space is limited. You're the one wearing white, you're the one saying I Do. Her co-workers are not your personal friends, nor are they family so therefore shouldn't be in attendance.

That's a bit like me inviting every guest that has ever stayed more than a week in the hotel i work at. I may know of them, but i couldn't pick them out in a crowded room.

No good beating around the bush. As i say, set the friggin bush on fire!

[WebLady]

I say try to be nice first ;)

I would try to sit down with her and your FH and explain that while you appreciate all she has done and her enthusiasm over the wedding, that it is you guys' wedding and there are things that you guys want and have to limit certain things.

If she still doesn't get the message then "set the bush on fire" ;)

Good luck :grinhappy:

[lana~ri]

OMG! This is so ironic. My FMiL is getting on my nerves about the wedding as well. I love her to death and she's really great to me. But every since we set a date she has been nagging me about doing this and doing that. These are things that I knew I needed to do but at the time I was taking a college Chemistry class and did not have extra time between that and work to do things. I finally had to tell her nicely that I knew all of that needed to be done but that at that time in my life it was the last thing on my mind. And that when I finished with my Chem class I would start planning the wedding. She told my future daughter-in-law who is 7 that they were going to have to do birdseed bags for us going away. I do not want birdseed bags. I am not spending my wedding night picking seed out of my hair. I told FMIL we were either going to have streamers or bubbles. (She doesn't want streamers). I called the photographer from work one day and booked her. And I did go by the florist to book her the day before Mother's day. I know she was busy but I had some extra time and she was open so I ran in just to make sure she was available and to book her. And guess what!?! My FMiL had already reserved her for me. I didn't even tell her that's for sure who we were going to us. But since we decided to go with her I let it slide. Fast forward a bit, I'm done with Chem class. I made appts with the florist, the photographer, and for David's Bridal to look at dresses. The next time FMIL said something to me about them I told her that I had already made appts with them. I thought this would get her off my back some. Well, she invited herself along to my florist appt and to my appt at DB. I was okay with the florist because she is really good friends with her and helps her out at Valentines day delivering. While there the florist said for me to take the tux book home for my FH to look at. FMIL opens it up, points, and says this is the one we are getting. WHAT!?! She knew that FH and future son-in-law who is 8 are to pick out tuxs. So I repeated that twice! And she knew that we hadn't decided between a unity candle or the sand ceremony but when asked if I wanted the unity candle stand reserved she told the florist "Oh yes we are having a unity candle". WHAT!?! I mean come on! UGH!!! But calmly I told the florist that we had't reached a decision on that yet. I was so aggravated at this point. Then FMIL keep wanting me to reserve the spiral candlabras. I did not want them. Then I saw what I wanted and was like okay that's it. I want that. Afterwards she called me and asked me how it felt actually having made some decisions on the wedding. I know she means well but this is our day. This is my 1st wedding and my FH's 2nd. He says for me to do what I want because he wants it to be perfect for me. I still ask him his opinion on things though. He was furious that his mom would try to pick out the tuxs. I told him that he might have to have a talk with his mom if she gets any worse. He was going to call her right then but I asked him not to. She also told me that we needed to start looking at centerpiece ideas for the reception because we couldn't afford flowers for all the tables. Okay first of all there is no 'we'. She is not helping to pay for any of this. My Fh and I are paying for everything ourselves. And not to sound like I'm bragging but my FH and I make very good money. I know that we don't blow money on stupid stuff and we pay cash when we buy something but we're not so cheap that we're going to skimp on our wedding. FMIL is also doing our cake (she's very talented, creative and used to cater and do wedding cakes). She told us to pick out whatever cake we wanted and she would do it. We haven't narrowed it down to just one but we like the stacked cakes. FMIL showed me a cake that she had done for a coworker a few weeks ago. It was pretty but not what we have been looking at. I didn't mention that though. Out of the blue she said those stacked cakes are really hard to do. They don't want to stand up straight, etc. And then she said that's what kind you want isn't it? I told her that those were the ones we were looking at. She said she could do it but she didn't have the right supports or something and that they were really expensive. I just left it at that for now. FH said that her idea and our idea of expensive are two different things. And that we would buy her whatever she needed to make the cake that we want. She has tried to tell me how to have the pictures done. Excuse me but that's what I'm paying very good money for a very good photographer for. My trip to DB was just supposed to be me and my MoH ~a girls day out with no stress. But since FMIL has invited herself along I feel compelled to have my mom along. I love my mom very much but she and don't get along very well if we are together for more than a few hours. The trip to Nashville alone is over an hour. I am also worried that his mom will make my mom feel like she isn't needed and I am NOT having that. I had not and am not planning on buying anything yet unless I just absolutely love it and can't live without it. This is why I was not wanting to bring along anyone just yet. I am going to look and get an idea of what I want and then I was going to take MY mom and pick one out. So I have decided that I will no longer tell FMIL when I have appts. And if she gets too bad FH will step in and have a talk with her. Sorry to vent like that but I do feel better now. Good luck with your FMIL.

[tawni8806]

Hahaha, No I totally feel better after reading your situation. See, you don't necessarily NEED her because you and your FH have enough money.

For me, I don't want to piss her off because she holds the money bags for us. She's just SO **** ANNOYING.

Even with my son, he is 7 months old, and she is always trying to give him eggs, yogurt bread, ice cream....etc. He is 7 months old, I do not want him eating that kind of stuff yet. I want to wait until he is a year old for dairy. He's just learning to eat gerber foods. GRRR....

[snowflakebride]

Ok, from personal experience between my mom, grandmother, and my brother:

When it comes to your son you need to put your foot down NOW. If she continues to go against your wishes regarding your son now, she will continue to do it in the future, the level depending on her attitude toward your son and how much in control of everything she needs to be.

I can understand that you need her help now because of your situation. However, when it comes to disciplining your son, you don't want to be in the position of trying to keep things under control while your FMIL undermines your authority.

*Steps off soapbox*

[SomethingBlue26]

I totally understand where you coming from! I actually made a post about this myself about a week ago. Its not my FMIL though its actually my FFIL, and they are not even helping with any of the expense. I don't want to say anything though because I realize he is excited and I don't want to hurt anyones feelings (even though he almost made me cry at my meeting with the venue).

I just spoke with FH and let him know that we wouldn't be bringing FFIL along to any more meetings that have to do with the wedding, and if he asks about details we are going to be as vague as possible. It would be even harder to do that though if he was the one paying the bill.

But maybe just give her a gentle reminder that this is going to be your only wedding and you just want everything to look the way you imagined it. I have had to do this with FFIL a couple times already.

And maybe if the candy buffet is going to be too expensive you two could come to some sort of compromise. :grinhappy:

[Going2BeMrsEshraghi]

This girl I know is going through the same thing with her parents. She has been with her FH since 2005 and they just barely got engaged this past February. He works at a Walgreens and she works for a payroll company, but doesn't make much hourly. They are planning their wedding to be next August, and out of her mothers "kindness," she has offered to pay for the wedding. Well, the girl doesn't even really get a say. Mom gets a say as to where the reception will be.... mom gets the final word on what the BRIDESMAIDS are wearing... basically everything.

I even typed up this extravagant proposal for the catering company & banquet hall that I work at because she was interested in having it at my job, but I guess that hasn't flown since I have yet to hear from her and it has been 3 months.

It is not only sad, but pathetic that grown adults conduct themselves in this way. It is not only petty, but it paints the parent as this controlling individual who is basically saying.."well, if I am footing the bill, it is either my way or you can pay for the **** thing yourself." That isn't a good way to start off family relations, nor is it a way that you want to present yourself to the rest of your family/social circle.

I would put your foot down. First start off saying how you truly appreciate all that she is doing for you, but tell her (and beware of the intonation in your voice when you say this) that you are starting to feel as if your wishes are being overlooked, and make up some story about how ever since you were a little girl, you dreamed of your wedding and how that now you are with your FH, your dream is coming true (and say that it is thanks to all her help). Key thing here is, try to put her in YOUR shoes. Try to make her feel how you feel so that she can relate to you. That MIGHT help your cause. Another thing you might try is to have FH talk to her. Not to start an argument, but maybe to see if he can get through to her.

Having a candy station is cheap, if done right. You can find cheap glass vases for the candy, and if you have a Costco or Sams Club nearby (and are a member), they sell those glass jars.

Good luck with this, and as for your kid - if you don't get control NOW, you have basically signed him away to her. When my daughter was not even a few weeks old, I couldn't do anything right - according to my family. To them, I was holding her too much, I wasn't doing this right, I wasn't doing that right, and it made me want to stop trying. Now she is 5, and I regret it because I missed out on those chances to lay with her in the recliner, and have her asleep on my chest - but instead of standing up for myself, I caved and listened to them saying "oh don't do that because the baby will only be able to fall asleep on your chest, and you are holding her too much blah blah blah."

Keep us posted, and I hope things work out for you!!!

[Hope75]

I hate to say this, because you will probably not like what I have to say. Your FMIL is being very generous by offering to pay for your wedding. If she is paying, than she unfortunately feels she has the right to invite guests she wants (and why not? It's her money).

The quick and easy way to take control back on your wedding is to decline her offer to pay and to pay for it yourself. That way you have who you want, what you want, and it's your dime, and no one else has any say about it.

However, since she is buying, you are probably going to have to do some heavy compromising.

As far as the candy buffet- you want this, but expect her to pay for it? How is that fair?

Seeing as this is a luxery extra and not a nessecity, you should pay for it yourself.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but coming from someone who is paying nearly 100% of her own wedding, if my FMIL offered to pay the tab on my wedding I would be very gracious and if she wanted to invite a few friends/co workers I'd be fine with that. She is proud and wants to share her pride. (in fact, my FMIL is inviting a few friends I have not met and she will be paying for them to come- the only part we are getting any financial assistance from.)

I think if you plan to take her money, than you need to be willing to allow her to invite some people she feels are important to her to share the day with.

[Hope75]

I hate to say this, because you will probably not like what I have to say. Your FMIL is being very generous by offering to pay for your wedding. If she is paying, than she unfortunately feels she has the right to invite guests she wants (and why not? It's her money).

The quick and easy way to take control back on your wedding is to decline her offer to pay and to pay for it yourself. That way you have who you want, what you want, and it's your dime, and no one else has any say about it.

However, since she is buying, you are probably going to have to do some heavy compromising.

As far as the candy buffet- you want this, but expect her to pay for it? How is that fair?

Seeing as this is a luxury extra and not a necessity, you should pay for it yourself.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but coming from someone who is paying nearly 100% of her own wedding, if my FMIL offered to pay the tab on my wedding I would be very gracious and if she wanted to invite a few friends/co workers I'd be fine with that. She is proud and wants to share her pride. (in fact, my FMIL is inviting a few friends I have not met and she will be paying for them to come- the only part we are getting any financial assistance from.)

I think if you plan to take her money, than you need to be willing to allow her to invite some people she feels are important to her to share the day with.

[lana~ri]

Hahaha, No I totally feel better after reading your situation. See, you don't necessarily NEED her because you and your FH have enough money.

For me, I don't want to piss her off because she holds the money bags for us. She's just SO **** ANNOYING.

Even with my son, he is 7 months old, and she is always trying to give him eggs, yogurt bread, ice cream....etc. He is 7 months old, I do not want him eating that kind of stuff yet. I want to wait until he is a year old for dairy. He's just learning to eat gerber foods. GRRR....

I understand about the money thing. Maybe your FH could talk to her for you~that way you won't be the bad guy. I am very lucky to have a man that stands up for me if he needs to.

As for your son, definately put your foot down now. My two future step children are 7 & 8. And the FMIL feels that if we are visiting her house they can eat all the junk food they want and do whatever they want to because 'it's mamie's house'. I told my FH that when we have our own children she better not undermine me or him about things. She still does it to him now just not as often because he has stepped up and said something about it to her. The children are absolutely great kids and I'm so blessed that they are not like some children who are total terrors. When she says something about eating all kinds of sweets they look at us and if we say no then they listen. And she has gotten better about it with me too. We wouldn't normally mind them eating so much junk at her house but after paying out about $500 in the past few months on dental bills we would rather them not.

You and your situation are in my thoughts. It'll get better just give it some time.:hug:

[fruit]

I was afraid of this happening to me where my FMIL would want to chime in and "offer" her suggestions on how I should do my wedding. My solution? I shut her up completely by financing the entire wedding myself. The way I see it, if you pay, you have the say. Given that I told her I am paying for everything 100% myself, she has no say. And if she did, I would just tell her its my money paying for all of this, not hers. One month until my wedding and she hasn't said anything.......yet. so far so good.