Jenn060306
03-17-2006, 09:44 AM
Last night i lost it. I lost complete control and just started bawling my eyes out. It started with me asking Mark if he got an answer from his boss on what premarital course we are going to be able to go to. See... it's complicated. (even though i don't think it should be as complicated as they are making it out to be) Anyways, There is a 3 day course at St.Elizabeth Seaton the evenings of March 30th, 31st, and all day April 1st. This is not the church we are getting married at but its a condensed course that we can attend. But the church we are getting married at has a 6 week course every thursday night starting on April 20th ending one week before we get married.
I figured it would be easier for mark to take only 2 nights off work and switch weekends with his BiL. But his boss is trying to figure out what is best for Mark and I and for the Music store. Thursdays are the toughest night for Mark to not work because that's the night most of his specail needs students are in. Plus to have someone eles cover the lesson will cost the store more money. And to have Mark gone for 3 days in a row is tough apparently. But his boss knows the preist at the church we are getting married at really well and feels that we would get alot more out of going to that session insted. So i asked him to ask about getting the time off back in Feburary. And he couldn't get one because his boss needed to think it out. Fine, i've been asking usually once a week and getting the same :censored: answer for about 6 weeks now.
This past weekend Mark said he would have an answer for me on Tuesday. Well.... Tuesday i forgot about it, so i asked him last night. Well.... there is still no answer which is pissing me off to no end. I keep thinking How difficult is it to make up your mind? Like i really like his boss, and i consider him and his family to be very close to us. But like lets get real here! I have had to turn down oppertunities because i wasn't sure if i would have to attend a marriage prep course or not. And i am getting sick and tired of not knowing if i can make plans anymore. We started arguing about it and i just got so fed up that i said forget it. I don't care about the wedding i only care about marrying Mark. If we can't get this together we can't get married in the catholic church. I would be just as happy going to city hall and getting married there. Because all i want is to be married to him. Anyways, i was trying to tell him this and he lost it and started inturupting me and not letting me explain why i said i don't want to have a wedding anymore. We finally worked it out, but at that point i just broke down. I started to cry so hard i couldn't catch my breath and started panicing.
I hit my breaking point. I could not handle doing so much for this wedding on my own anymore. I am stressed about school, not knowing what is going to happen to my year. Am i going to graduate with a crummy education that employers are going to look down on. I'm worried because we have to move and i have no idea where that is going to be when that is going to be and how that is going to play into making up the lost time because of the strike. I'm worried because i think i am going to loose time in May when i need it the most to do the final things for the wedding. I am tired of Mark saying he will take care of things and not doing it. I don't know how to get him to do anything. Although he did seem to realize how stressed out i was about everything last night and asked how he can help. I told him i need to know what's going on with the marrige prep so i can figure out my plans for the next 3 months. And figure out what is happening with the tuxes and get the guys all fitted and everything ordered. My wedding is the middle of flippin prom season so everything is going to be ridiculously busy! Transportation we haven't figured out. ARGH! He promises me we will go look at tuxes on Monday afternoon.
But oh my god i just cried, i cried even after all was well and me curled up and went to bed. I couldn't handle it. I finally had to break down and take some of my medication for my panic attacks that knocks me out so i could relax enough to get to sleep. But this morning i feel so frickin tired. And still crummy about being so lost.
At this point i don't know where to start. Should i make a new list of things for Mark to do things for me to do things we need to do together. I don't know. Honestly i just want to crawl back into bed and pretend the world doesent even exist anymore. Honest to god i wish it was July. Everything would be done we'd be married and all moved into our new house and hopefully i would have a job. If not that is the only thing i would have to worry about. Why can't this all be over?!
Sorry about my vent here. I am just at the end of my rope and i needed to get that off my chest and i know right now none of my BM's are available to talk this through with me and my mom is in Vegas and Mark's already heard it.
I figured it would be easier for mark to take only 2 nights off work and switch weekends with his BiL. But his boss is trying to figure out what is best for Mark and I and for the Music store. Thursdays are the toughest night for Mark to not work because that's the night most of his specail needs students are in. Plus to have someone eles cover the lesson will cost the store more money. And to have Mark gone for 3 days in a row is tough apparently. But his boss knows the preist at the church we are getting married at really well and feels that we would get alot more out of going to that session insted. So i asked him to ask about getting the time off back in Feburary. And he couldn't get one because his boss needed to think it out. Fine, i've been asking usually once a week and getting the same :censored: answer for about 6 weeks now.
This past weekend Mark said he would have an answer for me on Tuesday. Well.... Tuesday i forgot about it, so i asked him last night. Well.... there is still no answer which is pissing me off to no end. I keep thinking How difficult is it to make up your mind? Like i really like his boss, and i consider him and his family to be very close to us. But like lets get real here! I have had to turn down oppertunities because i wasn't sure if i would have to attend a marriage prep course or not. And i am getting sick and tired of not knowing if i can make plans anymore. We started arguing about it and i just got so fed up that i said forget it. I don't care about the wedding i only care about marrying Mark. If we can't get this together we can't get married in the catholic church. I would be just as happy going to city hall and getting married there. Because all i want is to be married to him. Anyways, i was trying to tell him this and he lost it and started inturupting me and not letting me explain why i said i don't want to have a wedding anymore. We finally worked it out, but at that point i just broke down. I started to cry so hard i couldn't catch my breath and started panicing.
I hit my breaking point. I could not handle doing so much for this wedding on my own anymore. I am stressed about school, not knowing what is going to happen to my year. Am i going to graduate with a crummy education that employers are going to look down on. I'm worried because we have to move and i have no idea where that is going to be when that is going to be and how that is going to play into making up the lost time because of the strike. I'm worried because i think i am going to loose time in May when i need it the most to do the final things for the wedding. I am tired of Mark saying he will take care of things and not doing it. I don't know how to get him to do anything. Although he did seem to realize how stressed out i was about everything last night and asked how he can help. I told him i need to know what's going on with the marrige prep so i can figure out my plans for the next 3 months. And figure out what is happening with the tuxes and get the guys all fitted and everything ordered. My wedding is the middle of flippin prom season so everything is going to be ridiculously busy! Transportation we haven't figured out. ARGH! He promises me we will go look at tuxes on Monday afternoon.
But oh my god i just cried, i cried even after all was well and me curled up and went to bed. I couldn't handle it. I finally had to break down and take some of my medication for my panic attacks that knocks me out so i could relax enough to get to sleep. But this morning i feel so frickin tired. And still crummy about being so lost.
At this point i don't know where to start. Should i make a new list of things for Mark to do things for me to do things we need to do together. I don't know. Honestly i just want to crawl back into bed and pretend the world doesent even exist anymore. Honest to god i wish it was July. Everything would be done we'd be married and all moved into our new house and hopefully i would have a job. If not that is the only thing i would have to worry about. Why can't this all be over?!
Sorry about my vent here. I am just at the end of my rope and i needed to get that off my chest and i know right now none of my BM's are available to talk this through with me and my mom is in Vegas and Mark's already heard it.