Advice Is Needed!!

[BrandieMellen]

My best friend is really needing some advice and usually I can help her, but this time is different! About 5 years ago, she started dating this wonderful man. He would always buy her flowers and just do the sweetest things for her. About 3 years into thier relationship he began being really abusive towards her. She had thought he was cheating on her, which he had a few times once with her own sister! She became really jealous and I'm certain that didnt' help the situation, however he had no right to ever lay his hands on her! I talked her into leaving him and staying with me for a while. When she was staying with me, she met one of my husbands friends whom she really liked, But being the manipulative person her (now husband) was she took him back! She made him go through counseling and such. After a while things really seemed to be a lot better!! A little over a year later, they were married! She was soo happy at first, but after the first couple weeks things seemed to be really different. (keep in mind they have lived together about 3 years now) He is hiding things from her again and gets angry with her for asking the simplest questions. She is not that jealous person anymore! She was just simply asking him what college classes he was taking this semester and he blew up at her! He is starting to become that mean person again, and I am scared for her! She and I have talked about this and she is scared of it also. Here recently (keep in mind they have only been married almost 2 months now) but here recently she is wondering if she did the right thing by marrying him. She really wants to have kids and wants to wait 5-10 years. Her and my husbands friend would have been perfect for eachother, now I never pushed her to talk to him at all, actually it was a big surprise to everyone when they did start talking. He wants all the same things she does and even she thinks she would have been happier with the other guy. She tells me being married to her husband doesn't feel right and hasn't since the beginning. She wonders if she did the right thing, especailly now with the way he's treating her! She feels really guilty for having these thoughts, but can't help it! She is not the type of person to cheat or anything like that, so that's not the case! I just don't know what to tell her anymore... I honestly think that if it wasn't "the other guy" she would be wondering what it would be like with anyone else. She is the sweetest girl in the world and doesn't deserve what he is doing to her! Here's another for instance: she called him when he was on his way home from work just to ask him about how long before he'd be home, so that she could have something cooked for him for dinner and he blew up. When he got home and was sitting down to eat, she asked him why he got sooo upset, he then started yelling at her and threw his food all over!.............. I'm scared for her!! Please anyone out there with some advise please share with me!

[Nekochanpurr]

Tell her to get out. No one deserves an abusive relationship.

[StarCoveter]

Yes, she needs to leave. Even if things eventually get better, it seems like they'll decline again, since that has already happened. It's a pattern, and it WILL keep repeating itself.

If he gets that upset just for asking when he'll be home, or what classes he's taking, what happens when she accidentally breaks something in the house, or accidentally bleaches a favorite shirt of his, or spends too much time hanging out with a favorite girlfriend? You know what I mean?

If she's feeling in her gut that she made a mistake, she needs to leave and separate herself for a while to figure out what she really feels. (I personally think she should leave and not go back.) The fact that they don't have kids will make that MUCH easier. So many women stay in an abusive relationship because they think it's better for their kids to have TWO parents, even if one is a bully and the other is getting beat up. They don't have kids yet, so she needs to do the right thing before it's too late.

[Marissa]

I agree, this is a mentally abusive guy. But before she makes the big decision of leaving him, suggest that she try to communicate with him. Misunderstandings are often the result of a breakdown in communication.

If she can come to him at a time when he's relaxed, and not be accusatory in her demeanor (so he doesn't get defensive), maybe she can tell him about how scared she feels. He needs to know how his outbursts are affecting and hurting her. And most likely he's got things bugging him that he needs to talk about.

After giving that a try, and he is still being belligerent and angry for reasons unknown, then it might be time to end the marriage. Communication is so necessary.