New with cold feet...

[surprisedtobe]

Hi all,

I’m new here with what I am realizing is a bit of, or maybe more than a bit of cold feet. I am finally putting indicators together & recognizing them as symptoms.

Indicators such as – the fact that I keep failing to mail our “Save the dates” (now 2.5 months past deadline on that) – my fiancé AND maid of honor/co-planner are now nearly badgering me over this, several different nightmares of my fiancé cheating on me or flirting HARD in front of me (though consciously, I REALLY don’t think he has or really would), lack of desire to do anymore planning or action toward the wedding, noticing KEENLY any/everything about him that could grow into me giving more to our relationship than he does…

I think my basic fear is that I will make a mistake. Unlike my friends, I never really wanted to get married-EVERYONE was shocked to hear that I was engaged & REALLY wanted to meet the guy that pulled it off. My fiancé is a gorgeous (literally) former model & Rick Fox/Boris Kudjoe look alike…because of his looks I avoided the relationship but he pursued me to the point of moving across the country to be with me (after we started dating) and slowly won me over by following through on promises, gaining my trust, & consistently reciprocating/reaffirming romantic feelings…

In spite of our good relationship I am coming to terms with admitting my fears that his feelings may not be enough & thinking often of what I will do if we don’t work out (i.e. focus on career, go to grad school, vow to be single forever…)

I’m sure cold feet is overdone in chat but still I’m asking for your help. Does this sound like any case of cold feet you know? Sound like more? Any tips, anecdotes, advice?

[CindySue]

Yeah.......Ive been there. I felt all the planning I had done would be for nothing. The dream I had that haunted me for a bit was the one of Brian telling me the day of the wedding that he didnt want to get married. That really messed with my head. I belive mine was a touch of stress, a touch of cold feet, etc. broght on by the fact that we had both been married before. Nevermind the fact that I pretty much knew I didnt need to marry my ex, I went through a spell of how I wasnt good enough, I wasnt going to be able to make a marriage work, he really doesnt love me like that...you get the picture. Even though I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that Brian is the man I was always meant to be with.
Im not the only one that has had issues like that. I cant tell you how I "got over" it, I just did, but sitting down with Brian and telling him exactly how I felt definitely helped. Maybe it would help you to sut down with your sweetie and tell him how you feel.
BTW - Congrats on your engagement and Welcome to the board! When is your wedding date? What plans do you have so far?

[Kacie_bride]

I think a lot of girls on here have experienced a bout of cold feet, but most have just gotten over it. Sometimes it's just a lot of stress and emotion. Just ride it out awhile and talk it over. I'm sure you'll get over it and become happy and excited about everything!

[surprisedtobe]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts & experience - I'm really open to hearing from all - the shared sentiments are helping. To CindySue - thanks for the congrats! & our date is scheduled for September 2006.

[Jenn060306]

I have days where i am absolutly terrified. Honestly. I worry so much about having my heart broken. My FH parents split up before i even met him. But finding out more and more over the years from him or his mom, it scares me. I'm affraid he will fall out of love with me. I'm affraid oh being hurt.
I had to sit down and talk to him, and i've talked to him many times about it. I feel bad to tell him i am scared when he seems to be so conifdent in everything. But it has helped. Being open and honest with him about how i feel has made me feel better. I guess knowing he knows i sometimes doubt it, and him being ok with it and supporting me through my fears has made me realize he really does love me.
It does get better. I haven't felt so scared lately. Talking to him about how you're feeling will hopefully help. It's somthing you can work on together.
Good Luck! I hope you're feeling better soon! Welcome to the board, keep us posted on your planning. :D

[Kacie_bride]

September, a fall wedding!! Well tell us what your plans are so far. We love to hear the details.

[sjp]

Dont mean to be negative but be sure that its just cold feet. Its very possible that thats all it is but know what you're feeling before you do something that affects your life. You mentioned indicators and nightmares-are these really just insecurities/cold feet or do you have reason to be scared? My husband was married before and I used to have nightmares too.
The one where he came and rubbed in my face his "new love interest". Id wake up crying. But the reason for my feelings were because I had heard if you cant make your first marriage work, you probably wont make the second one work-you havent learned HOW. That was 20 years ago. I know my husband loves me but the funny thing is, I still have those dreams every now and again. But, the point is, I KNOW where my fear came from, and you need to find out where yours is coming from. Im a big supporter of marriage. I wish you love and happiness. But from someone who can tell ya, its the hardest job you'll ever have. Be sure...

[CindySue]

Dont mean to be negative but be sure that its just cold feet. Its very possible that thats all it is but know what you're feeling before you do something that affects your life. You mentioned indicators and nightmares-are these really just insecurities/cold feet or do you have reason to be scared? My husband was married before and I used to have nightmares too.
The one where he came and rubbed in my face his "new love interest". Id wake up crying. But the reason for my feelings were because I had heard if you cant make your first marriage work, you probably wont make the second one work-you havent learned HOW. That was 20 years ago. I know my husband loves me but the funny thing is, I still have those dreams every now and again. But, the point is, I KNOW where my fear came from, and you need to find out where yours is coming from. Im a big supporter of marriage. I wish you love and happiness. But from someone who can tell ya, its the hardest job you'll ever have. Be sure...
Thats what i was talking about in my previous post, we have both been married before.....weve BOTH had issues with "well I couldnt make it work before, so what makes me think I can do it now." It helps if your actually IN love with the person you are marrying. I honestly didnt realize there was a difference until I fell completely and totally head over heels IN love with Brian. I can answer all the "tough" questions concerning him without any problems. He can too and our answers are almost identical.
A lot of us girls in here have gone though bouts of the "just dont want to plan a wedding". Weve worked through them and I feel you will too. But if you javent talked to your FH about it before now....the I encourage you do to so as soon as possible. It will make all the difference!!!
Good Luck!!!!

[Hayz]

Hi Surprisedtobe. First of all congratulations. I have just recently had my wedding. I know how you feel about those little doubts in your head. I had some too - was I really doing the right thing, did I really want to get married, what if it didn't work out etc etc.
On the day of the wedding I didn't feel overly excited or nervous. I just felt completely ready. It was really weird, but I just felt ready.
My advice to you is to make sure you always talk about things that are niggling on your mind. Tell your FH about them and how they make you feel.

I wish you all the best with your engagement.

[CarlosHoney]

Welcome to Onewed!! Congrats!!

I kind of get where you're coming from. I never wanted to get married until I met Carlo. It developed over time, and I really wanted marriage because I thought that if he married me, that he was serious about me. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was young. My dad is on wife #8. My mom never remarried, and now is a lesbian... What a turnout!

Carlo's Parents are still married, and really wonderful. They are my inspiration!

We both feel a little uneasy about entering a legally binding contract--until death. Yes, it's hard to know if you're doing the right thing, seeing as my crystal ball is in the shop. ;)

The way I see it, you know deep down what is right. Do what you feel. Don't get married for the wrong reasons. But, if he's a wonderful man, who treats you like a queen, and loves you with all his heart, and shows no indication that he's slime... It's just nervousness. Can you see yourself with him for the rest of your life? That's how you know.

I've been with a few guys in my time. None of them I could see in my distant future. Carlo, well, from the first night that we met, I could tell. It was something special.

Good luck sweetie!! Send those STD's!!!!!! And just relax. Your wedding should be one of the happiest days of your life. Try to enjoy it! :bbmrgreen:

[Shawna Bride]

Sometimes when my MIL is acting up, I wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with her in it!
I'm having cold feet about her. It scares me to know that this isn't over with her, that she will always challenge me and get in my business.

[CindySue]

Sometimes when my MIL is acting up, I wonder if I can spend the rest of my life with her in it!
I'm having cold feet about her. It scares me to know that this isn't over with her, that she will always challenge me and get in my business.
When I was married before, My MiL was an absolute B****. I despised the woman and she felt the same about me. Only I didnt have as much problems out of her AFTER we were married as I did before. Id make an appearance at holiday functions, but after I refused to go to a few of her little get togethers, she decided to play nice. We didnt see each other very often and that definitely helped. But I can honestly tell you that I would never intentionally put myself back in that situation. If I didnt get along with Brians mom, Im not sure we would be getting married so soon. Id definitely take it slow.

[brewsells]

I understand the situation. When Adam and I first started dating, my FMIL thought I was the devil, due to poor decisions that were made in our lives. Adam and I have been together for 3 years and she has only recently started to warm up to me. She is actually the one that suggested that Adam get me the ring for my birthday, and she took him to pick it out. So, bad as it may seem now, they probably won't be that way forever. Perhaps she has not really gotten to know the real person you are. Give it some time. Things may not be as bad as they seem. Anyway, you are not marrying his mother.

[LizabethDavis]

This still happens to me every now and again. Just be sure it is what you really, truly want and there shouldn't be any problem. If you are having doubts though, back out as soon as possible. Good luck!

[rainbowtreat]

It only realy becomes a problem for you if your FH sides with his mother all the time. That was the one thing my ex was good at. He would take my side before any ones elses no matter who it was or what the situation was. I guess I can say Nihcolas is the same way but I haven't had a situations come up for him to prove that to me but th ekind of person he is and how much he loves me I know he would. Well come to think of it he kinda did when he moved here. His mom was not happy AT ALL about him jumping in and moving up here so soon after getting back together after being apart for a year. But he came and they are fine. I dont have nay problems with his mom because she is 13 hours away and when she calls she calls for him. And I dont htink that if thre is a day that we live closer that I will have any problems. We wont be best friends but we do like each other and that is enough.

[sarahomalley]

The hard part for me is I moved to be by Adam. So his family is closer than mine is. I'm very close with my family and it is so hard to be farther away from them (even if it is only 35 miles!!!) And his family is SHADY. They didn't seem that way at first, but his mom is totally 2 faced. And his sister can be a royal biotch. ANd she's only 19!! She treats me like I'm a child that doesn't know anything. (I have a deep dislike for people like that). Anyway, as far as cold feet. I definitely have gotten them bad in the last couple weeks. Dreams of marrying an old boyfriend who recently died. Thoughts of never getting to date again. Never being able to have the butterflies of a first kiss. I know Adam will always be good to me. In every way. But lately every little thing is bothering me. A LOT. How loud he drinks, how loud he eats, how he kisses, how he look 12 when he shaves all the hair off his face. It goes in spurts though. Maybe I'm just hormonally imbalanced. Who knows.

[CindySue]

The hard part for me is I moved to be by Adam. So his family is closer than mine is. I'm very close with my family and it is so hard to be farther away from them (even if it is only 35 miles!!!) And his family is SHADY. They didn't seem that way at first, but his mom is totally 2 faced. And his sister can be a royal biotch. ANd she's only 19!! She treats me like I'm a child that doesn't know anything. (I have a deep dislike for people like that). Anyway, as far as cold feet. I definitely have gotten them bad in the last couple weeks. Dreams of marrying an old boyfriend who recently died. Thoughts of never getting to date again. Never being able to have the butterflies of a first kiss. I know Adam will always be good to me. In every way. But lately every little thing is bothering me. A LOT. How loud he drinks, how loud he eats, how he kisses, how he look 12 when he shaves all the hair off his face. It goes in spurts though. Maybe I'm just hormonally imbalanced. Who knows.
Poor Sarah! I know how you feel GIRL!!!
Ive been really stressed lately too and have spent a lot of time wondering if Im making the right decision by getting married right now. Maybe its cold feet, maybe just stress, who knows. I do know that I love Brian with all of my heart and do want to be married to him. Im just hoping the merry-go-round of emotions stops when the wedding is over. I go from high to low to high to low, so I understand about the chemically unbalanced thing!!
Good Luck to you!

[usahgrad]

Poor Sarah! I know how you feel GIRL!!!
Ive been really stressed lately too and have spent a lot of time wondering if Im making the right decision by getting married right now. Maybe its cold feet, maybe just stress, who knows. I do know that I love Brian with all of my heart and do want to be married to him. Im just hoping the merry-go-round of emotions stops when the wedding is over. I go from high to low to high to low, so I understand about the chemically unbalanced thing!!
Good Luck to you!

Here here! I understand about the chemically unbalanced thing too! While I'm not having any problems with Jason, I just feel like I'm manic depressive lately. If I'm happy, I'm REALLY happy; if I'm upset or sad, I'm REALLY upset or REALLY sad. It's weirding me out! I keep worrying that I'm pregnant, but I know I'm not...I'm just getting married...it's a baby of a different kind. :)

[juliet286]

I'm getting married in May and for the past few months i've been having the same problem and it's getting worse not better. We fought with his parent's back in november and didn't start speaking again until a few weeks ago. So I thought well now were speaking things will get better but there not. I keep having nightmares that my fiance isn't going to show up to the wedding. I'm sure he wouldn't do that but it's freaking me out. I feel like he's constantly being mean to me. He's been so busy at work that when he comes home he falls asleep so I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Cold feet sucks because I feel like i'm loosing it. The worst part is i'm not working right now. So from the time I get up till the time I try to go to bed I'm driving myself crazy about this wedding. I keep trying to talk myself out of the wedding and I don't want to do that. Then my fiance ask's me if I have cold feet and I can't tell him yes because he see's it in a differn't way then what cold feet really means. Does it really just go away or am I going to have this until the day?

[sarahomalley]

I'm so glad it's not just me. The crappy part is that it's not him being mean to me or even at all. I'm being rude to him all the time. It's stress.. then I thought maybe I was bipolar. then I thought it's just hormones. I'm definitely second guessing all this. I hope it's just stress. But again, I'm glad it's not just me.

[CindySue]

I'm getting married in May and for the past few months i've been having the same problem and it's getting worse not better. We fought with his parent's back in november and didn't start speaking again until a few weeks ago. So I thought well now were speaking things will get better but there not. I keep having nightmares that my fiance isn't going to show up to the wedding. I'm sure he wouldn't do that but it's freaking me out. I feel like he's constantly being mean to me. He's been so busy at work that when he comes home he falls asleep so I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Cold feet sucks because I feel like i'm loosing it. The worst part is i'm not working right now. So from the time I get up till the time I try to go to bed I'm driving myself crazy about this wedding. I keep trying to talk myself out of the wedding and I don't want to do that. Then my fiance ask's me if I have cold feet and I can't tell him yes because he see's it in a differn't way then what cold feet really means. Does it really just go away or am I going to have this until the day?
Except for him coming home and falling alseep, thats how things have been for me in a nut shell, with Kellis manic stuff too! We did talk last night and he didnt realize how some of his actions were coming across. I learned when something is said that rubs me the wrong way I need to clarify right then instead of stewing over it. We have both been stressed and have been trying not to burden each other with our problems and instead of helping we ended up taking things out on each other.