So Unhappy

[Shawna Bride]

I'm done....
My family threw me a shower yesterday, and his Mom and a couple of her friends were invited. I thought it was a nice party and everyone had fun, until his Mom called my FH last night to say that she was very very upset. She was mad because no one formally introduced her around. I was so preoccupied with greeting everyone yesterday and spending time with everyone, that I hadn't noticed. Plus I thought she had met everyone at the engagement party. And if she wasn't introduced, what stopped her from introducing herself? Really, my Mom should have made the effort to introduce her around, but I know she didn't not introduce her intentionally. It wasn't done on purpose, I'm sure of that.
Now everytime I think of the Shower, I feel sad, not happy. Same with the wedding lately. Everything is so difficult.
He and I couldn't even talk yesterday.
He was upset cause his Mom was upset. He didn't want to talk about it, because he thought if we talked about it both of us would say hurtful things to each other. Which we almost did. We spent the night in silence, until finally I broke down. He gets so hurt when his Mom is upset, which is sweet, but I just feel like we will never be a big happy family.

I am really not looking forward to the wedding anymore, I don't want to do this anymore.
I feel like everytime I think of the shower it will upset me, instead of make me feel happy.
Same with this wedding, everything is an uphill battle. How can I marry someone that I can't communicate with? When he gets upset he wants to be quiet and stay to himself because he is scared of saying something hurtful. When I'm upset I'm an emotional basket case and say hurtful things. This is such a mess and I can't deal with it anymore.

[LaceyinPgh]

Shawna, your mother in law is an adult. She could have made an effort to meet people at the shower. I am sure that she wasn't just sitting in the corner all alone. You are the bride and it is your party. It isn't your job to introduce people. I am sure your mother was busy with the party itself to worry is your fmil had met your third cousin twice removed. Don't let it get you down. This is your time and you should enjoy it. As for your FH. He is an adult and so is mother. If they really feel this is something that they need to pout about, then tell them to go have their pity party. You have a wedding to have fun at and enjoy. You can't let other people dictate your feelings. You will spend your life walking on eggshells, apologizing, and still always feeling sad about something. People will still always find osmething to complain about. Tell them to get over it and enjoy life.

[Valmai]

Awww im sorry things didnt work out at your shower (im not sure exactly what one of these is sorry for being a dumbasss) It wasn't your place to introduce her around IMO but if she felt like this why didnt she just come and nicely say that she didnt know anyone and if youd introduce her to a few people.
I think some people end up in stoney silences because we are afraid of hurting the other person but i learnt my lesson and know that this just makes small things worse! Hope it all works out for you and im sure once you both have a chat you will be back on track and looking forward to your big day again - dont let others spoil it for u! xxx

[Shawna Bride]

You naughty girl, I'm sitting here at my desk reading your reply, bawling my eyes out!!!!
I wish it were that easy to not walk on eggshells, but I have this problem with having major guilt. I just can't get happy about this anymore. Our families are just so different. His family is more formal and etiquette-wise and my family is very informal. My family never thought of formally introducing, where his Mom thought that was extremely rude.
I'm so depressed and unhappy.
To me family is #1, and for us to have families that don't seem like they will ever mesh is so disheartening.

[countrygirl]

I am sorry you are having a rough time Shawna. I can imagine that stress, and emotions are running pretty high right now, w the wedding a month away. Though I am still a long way off from my wedding, I would like to give some advice that could help. I just don't think that I am experience enough w all of this.

Have you talked to him mom at all?? I would just call her and let her know how badly you feel about it, and that is wasn't anything intentional. If she can't accept that, then just let it go. She should have made an effort as well to introduce herself. It was your day after all.

And from what I understand, it sounds like you are getting the jitters. Just remember how much you love your FH, and how much he loves you. It will all work out.

[CindySue]

You naughty girl, I'm sitting here at my desk reading your reply, bawling my eyes out!!!!
I wish it were that easy to not walk on eggshells, but I have this problem with having major guilt. I just can't get happy about this anymore. Our families are just so different. His family is more formal and etiquette-wise and my family is very informal. My family never thought of formally introducing, where his Mom thought that was extremely rude.
I'm so depressed and unhappy.
To me family is #1, and for us to have families that don't seem like they will ever mesh is so disheartening.
Shawna.....Ive been where you are with wanting to call the whole wedding off, etc everytime Brian and I would have the slightest little bickering match. I had to work on that because while I dont "like" fighting with him, we are way too much alike not to fight on occassion.
I also used to walk on eggshells around everybody, not wanting to hurts anyone and wanting them all to be happy. Well you know what? I was spending sooo much time making everyone else happy, that I was forgetting about making myself happy. I had to teach myself to start putting myself 1st. My family is very important to me too, but they all have their own lives to live, and I have MY own family to take care of.
I agree with everyone else.....She was an adult and could have simply introduced herself. Have you had problems with her before?

[Shawna Bride]

Thanks Cindy,
It's been like this the entire engagement. Me trying so hard to please everyone and forgetting what is ultimately going to make me happy.
I can't stop crying today.
I have had issues with the Mothers before. They are so different. His mom is a lot more proper than mine. She is very by the books in so far as what's proper etiquette. I'm not like that and neither is my Mom. But I want his Mom to be happy as much as I want my Mom to be happy. I really want our families to be one big happy family, but perhaps I need to get over that fantasy.

[CindySue]

Thanks Cindy,
It's been like this the entire engagement. Me trying so hard to please everyone and forgetting what is ultimately going to make me happy.
I can't stop crying today.
I have had issues with the Mothers before. They are so different. His mom is a lot more proper than mine. She is very by the books in so far as what's proper etiquette. I'm not like that and neither is my Mom. But I want his Mom to be happy as much as I want my Mom to be happy. I really want our families to be one big happy family, but perhaps I need to get over that fantasy.
Hey you just cry your eyes out......stress will do that to ya and besides you will feel better afterwards. AND I heard that is a great way to get rid of excess water in your body!;)
After Brian and I got engaged, thats when it seemed like we were bickering all the time. We really werent, but I was trying to hard to make our lives perfect forgetting that they are far from it. And I never sxpected the wedding to stress me out so much. He didnt either. He said if he would have known, he wouldnt have talked me into planning a wedding. I know that stress has made me act in ways that I have never acted before. Im constantly on edge about everything. Brian and I have talked about and we can defuse problems when they pop up, but we didnt do that in the beginning. And I would feel exactly like you do until we could sit down and discuss things.
Dont worry sweetie....it will work out. Apologize to his mom if that will make you feel better, although Im not sure you really have a reason to. I have never heard of the FMiL being the guest of honor at the bridal shower.
Just remeber that this is YOURS and YOUR FH's wedding and it should be what makes YALL happy......not everybody else!

[Kacie_bride]

Maybe your mother should have introduced her, but so what is she didn't. She was probably excited and stressed. It's not like she intentionally did that to hurt her. She should have introduced herself or gave a hint like asking who someone is and then you could have introduced her. I think you need to take a deep breath and maybe take a day off or so from the wedding plans. Don't do anything you are going to regret. You love your fh and it is going to be okay. And I think your fh should talk to his mother about it all. He need to make her realize nobody was trying to be rude to her. Things like this just happen. It was a misunderstanding and she shouldn't be making it such a big deal.

[CindySue]

Shawna....Your coming up on your wedding day really fast so its understandable that your stressed. I still have just over 2 months and I seem to be stresses more everyday about the wedding.
Would it be possible for you to do what Kacie recommended? Take a day or 2 or take a whole darn week off.....dont talk about the wedding, dont do anything wedding related......just make sure everyone knows that so they wont try.......Or take one of Jenn's "nervous breakdown days"! It sounds like you might need one!
Hang in there and good luck!

[Shawna Bride]

What's a nervous breakdown day?
I'd like one of those!
I think I missed that post.

[CindySue]

What's a nervous breakdown day?
I'd like one of those!
I think I missed that post.
Here is the link that should take you to the post about it.....I think it sounds heavenly!!!!!
http://forums.onewed.com/showthread.php?p=16002#post16002

[shawnsgirl]

I hate saying this but goin gback to my first marriage when I was 21, I had a mother in law like your future mother in law....They were or atleast tought they had proper etiquette and were so formal when in reality they would always compalin about others and lack of etiquette when acutally they were the ones lacking. First of all, you are not the host of the bridal shower. Your FMIL needs to understand that. Acknowledge her feelings, but remember its from here point of view only!!! This is about you and only you!! Please also if you can talk to her...Explain to her that you heard she was so upset and you are sorry she feels that way. Explain to her that your family is more laid back relaxed and isn't up to date on the most proper and ettiquotte ways of hosting a party or bridal shower. Also, let her know that they were in now way doing this intentionally that this is just how the "roots" of your family is and although it's different it is in no way to be miscontrued to insult or ignorance. If she can only say how miserable of a time she had, then tell her again I'm sorry you feel that way, but I enjoyed my one and only bridal shower and I could only hope that you could look at the positive aspects as well. ALso, you are having nothing but pre wedding jidders!!! I woul dadvice on talking as a couple with you officiant before the day comes any closer. Just to get everything out in the open...ALso, YOu FMIL is also suffering from emptynest big time. She's not in the spotlight and when she's not she's unhappy. It's really not about your family and her not being introduced. It's the LACK of attention she's recieving and the thought of her son getting married. She didn't get the attention at the shower so she's getting it from her son, not to bash your FMIL....Sorry....Try to smooth things over or have your future hubby talk to her...Allow him to tell her the differences between the families and it shouldn't have been taken the way it was in a empathetic tone. Hopefully, that works...I've seen a lot of monster mother in laws out there. YOu have to let her know where you stand so she doesn't hurt your family as well but just remeber there are ways and wrong ways to say things...Always use the words...I feel as if that......Or It hurts my feelings to know/think that.....It a less offensive way to approach a person about how ,mad you really are and they tend to be least defensive....Need anymore help let me know.....nelly111779@aol.com


hang in there!!


Jonelle

[Shawna Bride]

Jonelle,
I think you hit a lot of it on the head.
Thank you so much for your support....

Thank you everyone for your support, all day I've been crying in my office, and your posts are helping me get through the day.
Thank you.

[CindySue]

My ex MiL was sorta like that.....she wasnt all "high-society" or "ms. proper" but she was 2-faced in the fact she would tell me one thing and then go behind my back and complain. She did that with everybody......she was always talking about somebody. I hated that. Brian mother is the absolutel greatest woman in the world.....I truly love this woman. She respects me and what I stand for. If she wants Brian to do something, she will discuss it with me, like she has to have my permission, which she doesnt.
I only hope that this isnt a taste of what you will have to deal with after you are married.

[Shawna Bride]

I hope not either!!!
:chair:

[CindySue]

I hope not either!!!
:chair:

You need help? At one time I think we were all going to get together and take care of Lacey's FMiL......we can help with yours too!
Ill even supply the chairs!!!

[StaceyMc]

Shawna, I'm so sorry that you're so unhappy. I'm trying to remember back to my sister's shower and I'm not sure if we did introductions or not. I may have said "This is the bride's mom, groom's mom, etc.", but I know I didn't do anything formally. I know for a fact, at the last bridal shower I was at, they didn't do introductions.

Your FMIL sounds like my FMIL. She'll find something to complain about in every situation. I was just talking about plans with Joe yesterday and we both know that his mom will find something to complain about...she always does. We drove her to his sister's baby shower in my car and she complained that I didn't have leather seats, to make it easier for her to climb in and out of the car. It's stupid stuff like that. I've learned (after 5 years) to ignore her.

It's annoying, but try to keep in mind who the guests of honor are at your wedding.

As for your FH, he needs grow up and talk to you about this. His mother isn't going to go away and it's not going to get easier to deal with once you're married. You need to discuss how to handle situations.

[Hayz]

I'm sorry your feeling like this Shawna. Sounds like your MIL needs to accept the fact everyone is different and needs to take you as you are.
I'm not actually having one (so I could be wrong) but I thought bridal showers were supposed to be fun and informal and not formal, stick you little finger out while sipping your cup of tea.
Yes it might have been nice if there were some informal introductions, but if you were invited to a friends party where you didn't know everybody you wouldn't expect to be introduced to the ones you didn't know.
Just don't take your MIL to heart. Maybe talk to her, and perhaps apologize (even if you don't feel your in the wrong) to keep the peace.
Other than that there's not much you can do. Just relax and remember its your day and you can have things however you like. And maybe give your FH the chair, :chair: he could've stuck up for you and told his mother she was a big girl now and could've introduced herself.

[Jenn060306]

What's a nervous breakdown day?
I'd like one of those!
I think I missed that post.

Hey Shawna,
I am so sorry to hear you are having so many problems with you FMiL. She sounds kinda like a toad. I really hope that she can learn to better understand your family. My mom came from a very casual family and my dad came from a very formal family from Toronto. They at first really looked down on her because she grew up on a farm and money was tight. Eventually my mom and grandmother figured things out and when my grandmother would call she'd talk to my mom for much longer then she would my dad. Your time will come when you and your FMiL will get along.

Nervous Breakdown Day! I highly recomend it! It's basically a day that i planned with my FH where we weren't going to leave the house all day. We weren't going to do anything but hang out with eachother and catch up on sleep. We rented movies the day before to watch on Nervous Breakdown Day, got any food we might want, and stayed in our PJ's all day. It was great! We hardly said a word about the wedding plans. We just had a nice quiet day.
It's nice because it allows you to have some time with your FH where you don't have to worry about anything but just being together and enjoying eachothers company. Plus, its nice to be able to look forward to one. It makes the crummy things that are happening or all the stress seem a little more tollerable.

:hug: I hope you're feeling better soon!

[bnd94]

Shawna I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't want to be rude at all but you need to just be your self and if someone doesn't like it.......oh well! I am referring to when you said you are always trying to please everyone. I used to do this too but then I realized life is too short to let others bother you this much. You lose a part of yourself this way and you become a different person. I don't know you really, but you seem like a really nice person. I would hate for you to look back on your shower and be sad for the rest of your life. It may have seemed like a big deal to your FMIL to not be introduced but I don't think it is at all. Some people just need to find something to :censored: about. Maybe she is that way? You need to stop letting things/people like that bother you or you will never truly be happy. Especially with your wedding coming up. I hope you can have a good day and not let your FMIL bother you. She could have introduced herself. Like Lacey said she is an adult and I am sure too that she didn't sit in a corner at the shower pouting cause noone knew she was the grooms mom. Come to think of it I have never been to a shower where people were introduced. Usually you can just tell who is the mom and the mil.

I hope I haven't said anything to offend you at all. Hopefully I have helped some. :D And as the other ladies said.........just say the word and we're there! LOL!! :chair:

Cheer up girl Your getting MARRIED SOON!!!!!!!!!!!

:band:

[Shawna Bride]

Okay, so here's the update.
I was a total emotional basket case yesterday! I called my FH and suggested we postpone the wedding! I love him so much, but it was hard for me to fathom us having a life together when our families don't get along. He was so upset, he cancelled his afternoon meetings and went home early. When he got home he called his mother and they had a long long talk.
My Mom also spoke to his Mom and they had a long long talk. I think a lot of pent up emotions came out, and things that were bothering everyone finally got told.
When I got home, my FH sat me down and told me that I am the #1 woman in his life, and I better realize that. He said although he loves his mother very much, I am the most important person to him. He apologized for sticking up for his mom immediately, and told me that the only thing he wants in life is to spend the rest of it with me. :wub:
Later that evening, I finally spoke to his Mom, and we cleared up a lot of things. Apparently his Mom was feeling very sensitive and like her son was slipping away from her.
Needless to say, with the wedding in 4 weeks, everyone's tensions are high and I guess this weekend we all exploded. In a way it was a positive thing, because I think it has made us all aware of eachother's feelings.

In my fantasy world, I imagined us all becoming an instant happy family, whereas it's going to take work, effort and understanding.

Thank you to everyone who helped me get through the day yesterday. I was a wreck and couldn't have made it without you. (That's true, and not sugar coated!)

[bnd94]

I am so happy to hear that you all talked and got some things off your chest. I hope you are feeling better now. :D

[LaceyinPgh]

Shawna I am glad that things are working out for you. But take my advice, it is ok to be selfish as long as you aren't hurting anyone. It is perfectly all righ tto say, "Get over yourself." to you fmil because she feels her baby is leaving. It is perfectly all right to say to you mother that this is your wedding and if you want her opinion you will ask for it.

AS of right now since you don't have children, you are only responsible for one person's happiness, your own. Focus on that thought. Once you have kids they come first but as of now you have you. You are the only person that you can rely 100% on in any situation. Take care of you physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally first. Then once your needs are filled worry about what other people think.

[StaceyMc]

I'm so glad that you were able to talk to everyone. It is terrible that you had to suggest a postponement of the wedding though.

Listen to Lacey - take care of yourself first. Costantly trying to make everyone happy is just going to make you miserable in the end. It took me a while to learn that too.

As for your families instantly becoming one big happy family.....you're right, it will take some work and some misunderstandings. I'll have that struggle with my future in-laws myself. I just try to keep in mind that if Joe and I are happy, that's all that really matters.

Hugs to ya Shawna!

[Valmai]

Glad your feeling better and that you have all cleared the air a little - i think sometimes we all try not to upset each other and just end up gettin in one hell of a mess, but at least now it will be easier for any of you to mention it if there is a problem. Some Mothers have a problem leaving go of their sons, when my ex partner and i moved in together he didn't have spare clothes 'cos she said she wanted to wash them lol she was his youngest and wanted to keep hold of him as long as possible! She always felt threatened by me i think, (he was her youngest) and we were together for 23years so it's not as if we werent good together - once! Anyways once again good luck with whats left of your planing and try to enjoy it all xxx

[Kacie_bride]

I'm glad you talked it out and it seems like it is workable. You are not going through with postponing the wedding are you?

[Shawna Bride]

Oh not at all. To be honest I didn't want to, and didn't really mean it. It was just so hard to see everyone upset. Plus I didn't want to make my FH have to choose between me and his mother. I couldn't stand everyone not getting along, and yesterday it seemed like the end of the world.
All I want to do is spend the rest of my life with my FH, and that's what's important!

[Jenn060306]

I'm glad everything is ok now and you were able to talk with your FH and FMiL. Hopefully this will have opened up the doors to better communication between you and her.
Good Luck!