My cousin

[Kacie_bride]

I am terribly worried about my cousin. She is only 17 and I just found out this weekend that she got engaged over Valentine's Day. The guy is only 18, and a high school dropout. She has not finished hs yet. He just got his first job at a clothes store. She is in this fantasy world thinking she is going to stay home and have babies while he supports her making $7/hr. This girl has never had a job and has no ambition to do anything. Neither one of them have a car. He doesn't have any insurance. There is no way they could pay bills with $7/hr and a baby is insane! I don't know what her parents are thinking. I hate to say anything to her, because I know how she is and she will say I am jealous because she is getting married around the same time I am and she's only 17 and I'm 23 (I'll be 24 by the wedding). But that is not the case at all. When I was 17 I was more interested in my school activities and planning to go to college. I dreamed about my wedding, but I never wanted it that early. She is so concerned with being an adult that she hasn't been a child. She doesn't know about the real world and I'm afraid she'll get married, get pregnant, and figure out the real world is not as glamorous as she thinks and then where will she be? I can't help but worrying.

[wolf4091]

i know how that is my sister had her first and got married at 17 against my mother's wishes. things aint so dandy for her right now. be honest. if you truly befriend her then when she asks your advice give it to her straight. perhaps that's what she needs. if this is what she wants to do with her life then fine but no i dont think her parents should condone it AT ALL. i've seen the aftermath. people who do this kind of thing struggle. if you introduce ideas one at a time at the right time she'll be open and not so rebellious which truthfully may be what this is all about. in a calm setting like a sunny day at lunch ask her questions about her dream wedding. act excited. then just slip other stuff in like ask her has your FH gotten you health insurance? when you start throwing out the real stuff you may just scare her back into reality. if you are the only person that acts like they're happy and not just shake the finger at her you will gain her trust. promise. i have seen it work. my aunt did it with me when i was all starry eyed at 16 and it totally worked!! it's worth a try!! good luck.

[9801crystal]

Is your cousins parents letting this happen? Yes I would say something she should be more concerned. With having independence, her own money and a education. I was the same way at 17 I was focused on other things. I never wanted to get married young or have kids either at that age. How long has she known this guy? I had a friend that got married at 16 and her parents let her. They signed the paperwork so she can get married. And I see how it affected her life. She never went to do noramal things missed out on life. And she acts like a kid herself as a 30yr old woman. And by the way she is divorced from the husband she met at 16. They stayed married for 5 years.

If she thinks you are jealous she will not mean that. You know later she will apologize. Well tell everyone how it goes in the future.
Crystal

[Kacie_bride]

Yes, her parents are letting it happen. Evidently he asked her parents over Christmas. She has been with him for under a year. Her parents really don't have much and she is coming from a poverty level, so I guess she really doesn't know about what is out there. But then again she sees the rest of the family and especially the older cousins. One of my cousins is a nurse and one works for a technology company in Dallas. Another has a music degree and teaches lessons from her home so she can still be home with her children. Then there's me, I am soon to graduate from college. Granted I and some of my other cousins had more things than she did does while we were growing up, my cousin that is a nurse didn't. She grew up the in same neighborhood, and had some of the same economic problems. She was smart. She got educated and got a good job. Now she is getting married to a cop this Spring and they have just built a beautiful home. They have horses like she always dreamed of. I'm rambling, but what I am saying is that it is not like she has not be exposed to people making something of themselves.

[CindySue]

Is she pregnant right now? Or are they just talking about starting soon? My sister was married at 16 and had her 1st child 2 days before her 17th birthday. She never got the chance to have fun in highschool, because she was too busy being a wife and mother. She was a good one......still is, but even though she loves her child more than anything, she feel like shes cheated my neice because she couldnt give her the life in the beginning that she was able to provide for her other children. She waited 8 years from my neice until she had the next one. She was more prepared.

[Kacie_bride]

No she is not pregnant. She just has this fantasy of what it is like to be a mother. She's never even taken care of a child though! I don't think she understands the idea that you can't put them up on a shelf when you're tired of them. She thinks it would be lots of fun to be a mom and she wouldn't have any problems if she had a husband and a baby.

[CindySue]

No she is not pregnant. She just has this fantasy of what it is like to be a mother. She's never even taken care of a child though! I don't think she understands the idea that you can't put them up on a shelf when you're tired of them. She thinks it would be lots of fun to be a mom and she wouldn't have any problems if she had a husband and a baby.

Oh my...this girl needs a reality check......the hardest thing i have ever done in my life is be a mother. Im not saying its not worth it, because I would do it all over again in a second, but I do not have time for myself, anything I do I have to think about how it might affect them. Brian and I have only been on 1 "date" since we were engaged in August! We never get away from kids.....He teases me saying thats why hes marrying me......so we can a have a few days away from the kids on our honeymoon!

[Shawna Bride]

I am going through so much stress and headache, I couldn't imagine doing this at such a young age. I'm 28, and feeling emotional and crazy- how can a 17 year old deal with any of this?

[wolf4091]

by far this girl is just starry eyed. arent we all at that age. i came from poverty and abuse and all that. that's no excuse. what i would do is definitely make her see the light. i would let her babysit for someone in the family. just a little at first and then overnight. dont even tell her just go devise a little scheme with another person in your family. the two of you hash it out to teach her a lesson. just have her do it for a few hours and take a cell phone til you're comfortable and pay her so she doesnt suspect anything. then do it overnight. make sure there is at least one infant that can crawl or walk so she gets to see how you have to handle it. you can always involve a 3rd party like a neighbor or other relative to go and check on things. then invite her over one day when it's just totally crazy and the both of you just have to get out the door to go to a party or something. purposely schedule it on your busiest day. make her truly see in real time that it isnt all just fun and games. if she still wants it after that and all the little questions you throw at her then ok. nothing more you can do. i'm glad you care for her so much. sounds like she really needs some guidance.

[CindySue]

by far this girl is just starry eyed. arent we all at that age. i came from poverty and abuse and all that. that's no excuse. what i would do is definitely make her see the light. i would let her babysit for someone in the family. just a little at first and then overnight. dont even tell her just go devise a little scheme with another person in your family. the two of you hash it out to teach her a lesson. just have her do it for a few hours and take a cell phone til you're comfortable and pay her so she doesnt suspect anything. then do it overnight. make sure there is at least one infant that can crawl or walk so she gets to see how you have to handle it. you can always involve a 3rd party like a neighbor or other relative to go and check on things. then invite her over one day when it's just totally crazy and the both of you just have to get out the door to go to a party or something. purposely schedule it on your busiest day. make her truly see in real time that it isnt all just fun and games. if she still wants it after that and all the little questions you throw at her then ok. nothing more you can do. i'm glad you care for her so much. sounds like she really needs some guidance.

Thats a good idea, but too bad it couldnt be longer......

[CindySue]

Wolf......that idea actually helped with me this past weekend.....My little sister was in from out of state with her kids which are the sweetest babies I have ever met. Well I already have 4 and here I went insane for a minute thinking I just might want another one. Well I had the 2 year old and the 3 year old all day Saturday. They were great and I had a blast, but my youngest will be 6 this year and I totally forgot how exhausting having little ones around was. I have definitely changed my mind on the baby thing!!!!!!!

[Kacie_bride]

That would be a good idea. I mean I don't really have a bunch of experience with children either. I looked after a little girl while we were dealing with the hurricane bit so her mother could go back to work and it was crazy! Other than that I had only done some babysitting when I was younger. I love kids and want them, but we're planning to wait for at least a year after we get married. I think a good dose of reality would be good for her.

[WebLady]

Well, I got married at 18 (never had any kids thank God) and got divorced at 24. I know back then everyone was telling me that I was wrong to get married so young but I didn't want to hear all that. (although looking back, I know that everyone was right)

I see this kind of thing all the time ... a friend of mine's daughter is going through this now. Her daughter is 18 and has a 2 yr old and now is pregnant again and getting married. She doesn't like the guy and of course thinks she is throwing her life away; and she has told her daughter that on many occasions.

What people have to realize is that this girl and your cousin are going to do what they think is right for them, and they are not likely to listen to anyone else. I know I didn't when I was that age. See most people just run towards what other people tell them they shouldn't do. I stayed in a miserable marriage for 6 years mostly because I didn't want to hear my mother tell me "I told you so" (which she still did when I finally left)

Parents (and older friends and family members) need to realize that once their kids are 18 and moved out of the house that there isn't much you can do about the choices they make. Yes, the odds are against your cousin in this situation (as is the same with my friend's daughter) but, we have to let them live their lives and make their own mistakes. No matter what you do or say, they will still do what they want ... and sometimes they will even recent you for trying to stop them. Even though I know now that my mother was right about my ex husband, I still hate her for not being more supportive of me.

I know it is hard to stand by and let someone you care for do something you think is bad for them. You can state your views in a friendly and caring way ... if you are close to your cousin, maybe sit down with her and ask her why she wants to get married, what she wants to get out it and why she feels now is the right time. But, ultimately you will have to let them live their life. What I do when I come across people getting married too young, I give them "The Hard Questions" and hope that they make the right choice, but support them in whatever they decide to do. After all, though it is rare, young marriages can work.

Well, that is my opinion for what it is worth.

[WebLady]

I know I have posted these someone here before but for anyone that cares, here are they again ...

The Hard Questions every couple should ask themselves before getting married ...

1. How well do we really know each other? (Have you been together long enough to know the important things about each other?)

2. Do we respect and trust each other? (Lasting marriage requires this as well as love)

3. Are we getting married for the right reasons? (It is about more than just being in “love” with the idea of being married … loneliness, pregnancy, financial security or wanting to get out of your parents home are not good reasons to get married)

4. Do we share the same or compatible beliefs about the major issues of life? (Religion, having and raising children, etc)

5. Do we have the same or compatible goals for the future? (Finances, health, home, etc…)

6. Are we compatible in how we handle conflict in our relationship and in life in general? (is one of you quiet and the other argumentative?)

7. What do we expect out of marriage … do we have the same expectations?

8. Do we agree on how we will live after we are married? (who will cook, clean, work, pay bills, make decisions, etc)

9. Do we communicate well … can we comfortably talk to each other about anything? (sex, money, politics, etc. Communication is the key to any good relationship. Your spouse should be your best friend)

10. Do we love and accept each other as we are right now without any hidden goals to want to change the other person?

Though these questions don’t cover everything needed to justify getting married not do they spell out what is needed for a long and lasting marriage, but these questions should give you some things to discuss. No, you don’t have to agree 100% on everything but you should agree on the things you find to be the most important or at least come to a mutually acceptable compromise before you say “I Do“. If you don't, you could be in for a rough first year that could very possibly end in the "D" word!

:goodluck:

[officiant-fica]

I have to agree with Weblady! It's rare for poeple to learn from other people's mistakes. My daughters "surrogate" grandparents are dealing their young daughter who called off a marriage last May (that they tried to talk her out of in the first place) who is now pregnant and married last Friday to the baby's father. It's a mess, but it's her life, her mistakes, and she will have to deal with the results. As her friends and family the only thing we can do is be there for her when she needs us.

[WebLady]

I have to agree with Weblady! It's rare for poeple to learn from other people's mistakes. My daughters "surrogate" grandparents are dealing their young daughter who called off a marriage last May (that they tried to talk her out of in the first place) who is now pregnant and married last Friday to the baby's father. It's a mess, but it's her life, her mistakes, and she will have to deal with the results. As her friends and family the only thing we can do is be there for her when she needs us.

Yeah ... you know what they say - "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" If a person doesn't see a problem with what they are doing, they aren't likely to change their mind no matter what you say. All you can do is try to be there.

Plus worrying about everyone else's problems just adds more stress to your life ... I don't know about all of you but I have enough to deal with on my own ;)

[CindySue]

Yeah ... you know what they say - "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" If a person doesn't see a problem with what they are doing, they aren't likely to change their mind no matter what you say. All you can do is try to be there.

Plus worrying about everyone else's problems just adds more stress to your life ... I don't know about all of you but I have enough to deal with on my own ;)

I shouldnt have married my 1st husband and I should have listened to everybody, but of course, I knew it all!!!!
While a dose of reality might help, she cant learn from her mistakes unless she makes them. Sometimes we do have to fall (maybe more than once) before we learn to stand on our own.

[Kacie_bride]

Well, that is my opinion for what it is worth.

Yes your opinion is worth it! And everyone else's too! I think I might just let her be. I might tell her what I think, but if she wants to play grown up there is nothing I can do. I have my own life, and my own wedding to deal with.