I cut my Mom off.

[CarlosHoney]

After three days of trying to get a hold of her to find out what is going on, I finally reached her. She started preaching at me about my parenting choices. Then, I told her, it's been 3 weeks, the money she sent isn't late. It's not coming because she never sent it. She insists that she did, but she's lied to me before. I told her, it's not about the money anymore.

For over a year, if I ask her to help us financially (It's never been for more than $200) she says that she will in 2 weeks, then forgets and spends all of her money. That's why I was trying to get her to pay for wedding related things now, instead of waiting, and all of her income tax return being spent. She never ordered the dresses, nor the flowers, and she didn't help with the reception venue. She didn't even help with our phone bill. By the way, she lives with my Grandpa, rent free, because she got evicted from her apartment.

So, I tell her today that I don't believe her. She's lied so many times about so many things, and I just can't beleive anything that I don't see physical proof of. She ends up telling me that she'll call me back, because one of her 4 girlfriends is calling. I tell her to tell her that she'll call back, and she hangs up on me.

After all of that drama, I wrote her a letter:

Mom, I'm writing you to tell you that I can't do this anymore. I don't
believe you. You have lied to me so many times about so much stuff
(You even lied to Felicia about moving down here) and you hanging up
on me today was the last straw. I'm tired of it. You tell me that I
can't depend on you, Grandpa, and my dad for the rest of my life. So,
it's okay for you?

For 6 months you have been telling me that you would buy me things
that I wanted, and help us out once you have the money, and that you
would help with wedding expenses (your words, not mine). But, now that
you have the money, you've put down a hundred dollars on the cake and
said that you sent $100.. But originally you said $350, and then said
that I was wrong, that you said $150.. But you really sent $100 that
never got here.

You said that you would do certain things (pay our SBC bill, pay for
some of the country club, the flowers, the bridesmaids dresses) and
you either haven't, or say that you have but won't furnish proof. If I
don't see it for my own eyes, I don't believe it anymore. I'm so sick
and tired of it.

Don't call. Don't email. And don't expect me to send any more resumes
for you. I'm done with it all. Remember, when you were my age you cut
your mother off for good, because of the way she treated you and the
way that she talked to you. Making you feel guilty and worthless.
Well, that's how I feel now. I'm not saying that it is forever, but
I'm not going to continue talking to you if you don't want to be
honest and open with me.

You place your girlfriends above us. You always have. What is going on
in your love life has ALWAYS taken precedence over your children.
That's why all of your kids have left you. Mike wants to move back to
Dallas because he knows he can get away with more. You say he won't,
but I know the truth. Jens left, and though it's harsh to say, if you
had done what any other parent would have done and gotten him help
(like I was asking you to) things might have been different. I moved
out on the last day of school because I couldn't handle Abel. You are
the one who allowed him to walk all over you, and us.

Let me know when you want a real relationship with me. One without
lies. One with respect and honesty.

-----------------

I'm not going to talk to her anymore. She sent a reply.. I read it, but I'm not going to respond to it:

I did send it Carrie, believe me or not that is your choice. I got 2,000 dollars. out of that I have bills of my own. I owed the bank almost 700. dollars. I have to pay for my storage every month. I owed the cable company 110. I owed the apartments almost 1100 dollars. I have made payment arrangements for that.
If you and Carlo managed your money better this wouldn't be an issue. When a bill is due and you don't have the money for it you call and make arrangements when you can pay for it. You need to go grocery shopping instead of eating out almost every day.

Do not make your choices about me. Yes, I have made mistakes. But you are over 18 and in charge of your own life. If you and Carlo do not make enough money, then you need to get a better job, or better yet waited on having a family until you and Carlo had the money. I am being honest carrie. I do not have enough money.

It is not my responability to send you money all the time. I am sorry you feel I have hurt you. But like I said your over 18 and in charge of your life. I did the best at the time with you kids with out help from your father. I am sorry your life wasn't the greatest but who's really is. I know the reasons why Mike wants to come down here. I know Jens had problems but to me they where no worse than his friends problems. Of course Carrie hindsight is all ways 20/20.

Stop putting your **** off on me. We all make choices in life. And we all have to face the consequences of those choices. I had thought about moving down there but I need to make real money and San Antonio doesn't have the job market that Dallas has. I love you Carrie and I am sorry you feel the way you do. But you really need to grow up

-----------------

So, what do you think? I see that she's in denial about Jens. She says that I'm irresponsible, but you know, we haven't been late on our rent ONCE in 9 months. Before that one time, it was never. Oh, and my dad DID help financially when we were younger. He showed me the cleared checks to prove it.

I'm just so angry. I'm not going to subject my baby to her negativity anymore. She hangs up on me so that she can talk to her girlfriend (who she cheats on with other women). I'm just................................:bbmad:

[CindySue]

Im sorry you are going through all of this with your mom. While my issues with my own mother were different, I do understand where you are coming from.
I love my mother and we are on our way to rebuilding our relationship, but its on my terms. I refuse to be talked down to anymore. Yes, I have made many mistakes in my life, but its really hard to put them behind me when they were constantly being thrown in my face. It was very hard but her being out of my life for those few months helped me realize how she was having a negative impact on my life and relationships. I realize now how I will NOT be treated by her. I love though how my AND my little sisters recollection of the past is soooooo ifferent from hers.
Hang in there girl......stand your ground.....she may be your mother but you do derserve to be told the truth. If she didnt want to help, she should have said so.

[CarlosHoney]

See, I told her that at this point it's not about the money. We're doing okay now. I just wanted her to FINALLY follow through and keep her word. She's done a marvelous job of NOT doing that. I'm just so tired of it all. She should have told me that she wasn't going to help us, and with the wedding. That way I would have adjusted my finances accordingly.

We're going to end up paying for more now, and I'm not sure where it's going to come from. She's not invited, though, and I'm taking her name off the invitations. I'm sick of it.

Thanks, Cindy. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with Mom troubles.

[WebLady]

I am so sorry you are having to go through with all this drama with your mother. I have problems with my mom and I have threatened to 'disown' her. Sometimes I wish I had ... I do love my mother but I don't like the person she is and I won't to be NOTHING like her!

Anyway, (please don't take this the wrong way) while I do agree that it is not your mother's 'job' to take care of your money problems once you move out on your own, but if she has the means and agree to help then she should follow through. And she seems to be a little rude about the whole thing, probably just being defensive, my mom gets that way ... nothing is ever her fault :bbrolleyes: But, like you said, it is not about the money. Perhaps when you calm down you can explain your true feelings aside from the broken promises of sending money. But, even then it may not change anything.

The last big fall out I had with my mother I wrote her a long email letter and I she wrote back all defensive and said if I wasn't going to come around that she would keep my dad from me too! She likes to do that kind of :censored: and it makes me so mad! Then I didn't talk to her for a couple of weeks and she finally called and said she was sorry.

I have never really needed money from my family (in fact it is usually them that ask for money from me and get mad or try to make me feel guilty when I can't give) but I get lies and broken promises in other ways. My mother says she is going to do something for me or with me alot and then either doesn't do it or complains about it being an inconvenience for her. Either that or she loves to say how she doesn't approve with the way I choose to live my life. She also likes to play me and my siblings against each other and against my dad. I am just glad I don't have a child, she and my sister have big problems with that kind of thing. I have caught her in so many lies and she has a bad habit of stretching the truth ... about all kinds of things. I find it hard to believe anything she say anymore.

We are ok now but we have a rocky relationship. Sorry, I didn't mean to say so much about me.

I hope things work out for the best for you Carrie! I know it hurts but the way I look at it with my family is this ... if you can't be a loving and supportive part of my life then you just don't have to be one. I am not saying never speak to your family again, but don't depend on them. (I have learned that you cannot count on anyone but yourself. It has taken me a long time to let myself count on my husband.) Take them for what they are, treat them like you would any other 'friend' just because they are family doesn't mean they get special treatment. If things are good, great, if they can't be want you need from them then just concentrate on your new family (Carlo and the baby)

Sometimes when I get upset (about this kind of thing or anything) I write out my feelings. I am not writing for anyone else to read really, just getting it out. Sometimes it is just rambled thoughts and emotions, sometimes it is poetry. It can be very therapeutic, at least it is for me.

Good luck and best wishes :hug:

[usahgrad]

I do the same as WebLady; when something really gets to me and I really want to just scream and yell, I write it all down in a book. It's my angry book. It keeps me able to control my temper just a little bit better than I could before.

As far as the mother issues go, I can't entirely comiserate because my mother and I are best friends. However, I get frustrated when my mother doesn't follow through on things as well. Sometimes I just want to scream at her and tell her either do what you're say you're going to do or don't complain to me about the problems that you have because you didn't do it.

Good luck to you Carrie. I hope this works out for you for the best. Remember, someday we all look back and realize we made mistakes...someday I'm sure you will both resolve your issues and enjoy each other's company again.

Hugs to you!:hug:

[CarlosHoney]

Brandi, I know that she's not responsible for me.. She doesn't have to help me with money.. It's more that she says she will and then doesn't. Like, for my 20th Birthday she said she would come visit, then didn't. And I really wanted to get my makeup for the wedding now so that I could experiment. She is the one who said she would buy it for me. I didn't ask her for it. Now she's not saying anything about it.

I just wanted her to hold up to what she said she would do for once. She's always said "if you can't say something nice..." and "treat others..." but she really doesn't follow that.

If she couldn't do it, she should have said so. Things don't really get lost in the mail like that, and if she really ordered the dresses she would have forwarded the confirmation. Thanks for listening. We used to have a good relationship.. Then I started putting things together. I realised all of the lies, and how far back they go. I won't put up with it anymore.

[WebLady]

I see where you are coming from and I agree. Maybe she needs this separation as a reality check. Maybe in time she will come around.

Like I said before, if you can't have loving and supportive people in your life, well I would just rather be alone. I thank God every day that I have my DH, sometimes he is the only thing that keeps me sane ... and often, he is the only stable thing in my life. You have your own family now ... if your dad is trying to be a good part of your life then cling to that, but don't let your mother get to you. If anything it should make you want to be a better person and a better mother. That is how I look at it with my mother, I just want to be a better person than she is.

You know what they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "Everything happens for a reason" I know things will work out for the best, one way or another. Good luck, we luv ya :D

[9801crystal]

I would like to respond to this. It is not good to hate your mom. You say it is not about the money.But that is all it seems to be be about in this letter of yours. If your mom doesn't have the money to help with your wedding. Then I would quit pesturing her. She is probably lying because she is embarrased or something. And why should she have to pay for your phone bill. Grown adults do not need to keep relying on parents to pay for every little thing.

At least you didn't have to go through what I went through with my father. My father had a drinking problem stole my car for two days and went drinking in my car. He even had to get put in a rehab by me, Then he disowned me and he decided to live homeless. I hated my dad also which I knew wasn't good. But I kept going to church and praying for him. But while he was missing he almost lost his life. He had gotten into a three car collision wreck by a 18 wheeler that caused it. Do you know how bad a person can feel if they said such evil things of their parents. And something happened to them. Take it from me don't be like that. This is over money and lying. Your mom can change in time she will.
Good Luck
Crystal

[CarlosHoney]

I would like to respond to this. It is not good to hate your mom. You say it is not about the money.But that is all it seems to be be about in this letter of yours. If your mom doesn't have the money to help with your wedding. Then I would quit pesturing her. She is probably lying because she is embarrased or something. And why should she have to pay for your phone bill. Grown adults do not need to keep relying on parents to pay for every little thing.

At least you didn't have to go through what I went through with my father. My father had a drinking problem stole my car for two days and went drinking in my car. He even had to get put in a rehab by me, Then he disowned me and he decided to live homeless. I hated my dad also which I knew wasn't good. But I kept going to church and praying for him. But while he was missing he almost lost his life. He had gotten into a three car collision wreck by a 18 wheeler that caused it. Do you know how bad a person can feel if they said such evil things of their parents. And something happened to them. Take it from me don't be like that. This is over money and lying. Your mom can change in time she will.
Good Luck
CrystalUm, you don't know the history here. You don't understand. The things that have happened with my mom, yeah, it was about money. But, there are more posts, and more stories, and this has gone on for a long time. She's borrowed money from me and never paid it back. She's lied to me too many times to count. My little brother ended his life because she was so selfish.

She would leave the house, not buy any groceries, and he would call my Grandpa's housekeeper crying that he didn't have anything to eat. She told me that he called her once, saying that he made the last of the pasta with plain tomato sauce because that is all there was to eat. His stomach was hurting from hunger, and my mom wouldn't buy any groceries. She would go shopping and eat out, spend days at her various girlfriend's houses, and not give any thought to my little brother.

My mom doesn't lie out of embarrasment. She lies because that's all she knows. There was a big buildup to this post, and I'd posted some about it here and there.. I'm not relying on her for every little thing. But, I had a baby a couple of months ago, and both my parents said that they would help until I went back to work. She didn't help, and that's why her lying about sending money was an issue. If it weren't for the baby, I would never had to ask. I would have been working.

Sorry for the thing with your father, but sweetie, I've had it rough too. :bbmad:

[9801crystal]

I did not read your other postings about your mom. So I do not know everything about this story. I am new so I have not read all your postings about your mom. But I am sorry for what you went through. But since you have resentment towards your mom so much. Temporary seperation will be the best solution not disowning her. I don't think it is good to ask her for money. Because she will let you down more and that will only make you hate her more. That is what I used to do with my father. I never asked for money from him. But I asked favors from him just like you are doing. And he would not be reliable. That just made me bitter angry and not right. That is exactly what will happen to you. Ask friends, or other family or your local church for help. Of your little brother losing his life I am very sorry about that. But don't blame your mom for that. I am sure your mom had a hard time with that also. When I went through these turmoils with my father. I prayed and prayed for years. I am not ms. perfect or anything but it took years for my prayer to be answered. And that will happen to you also.
Take Care
Crystal

[CarlosHoney]

Thanks.. I'm not christian.. But after years of abuse by her boyfriend that she allowed to happen, and after the years of broken promises (like coming to visit, or move closer, rtc.) and lies on top of lies (like her getting fired, getting evicted, telling me that she changed jobs and wanted to save up so she moved back in with her dad, etc.) and her choosing her lovers over her children, I just can't do it.

Since she's been out of my life for a week or two I feel so much better. When I would talk to her on the phone, it would be lots of making me feel bad and making me out to be stupid. My decisions aren't good enough, and she knows everything..

Even things that she doens't have anything to do with (like me being vegetarain) she doesn't like because "it's stupid". My decisions as a parent aren't good enough (I don't let my baby Cry It Out and I Breastfeed), and she even had begged me to have an abortion when I told her that I was pregnant. "I'm too young to be a grandma." She said.

I hope she gets help, and I hope she gets better. She knows that she can call me when she can be honest and open with me. I'm not really holding a grudge, I learned to let things like that go. I just want her to be nice, or be out of my life.

[LaceyinPgh]

Carrie, you don't have to justify the choices that you make in your personal life on here. You know every detail of your situation, we don't. You know what will make you feel better, we can only advise on what works for us. Don't think you have to defend yourself. If not having your mother around takes the stess out of your life and hence makes you a better mommy to Elias, than by all means, that is what you should do. I hope that she gets the message and is able to turn her life around.

[CindySue]

Carrie, you don't have to justify the choices that you make in your personal life on here. You know every detail of your situation, we don't. You know what will make you feel better, we can only advise on what works for us. Don't think you have to defend yourself. If not having your mother around takes the stess out of your life and hence makes you a better mommy to Elias, than by all means, that is what you should do. I hope that she gets the message and is able to turn her life around.

Lacey is right...Removing my mom from mine for about 4 months really made her see what she was doing. For those 4 months, I was happier with my life and my choices than I have ever been. I visited with my mom this past weekend for the 1st time since August and you could tell the difference.
Your mom may or may not come around. All you can do is live your life the way YOU think you should live it and raise that baby boy the way YOU think you should raise him.
Good Luck......oh and kiss the cutie for me! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_3_15.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm414CPUS)





http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb062&pp=ZNxdm414CPUS (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb062_ZNxdm414CPUS)

[officiant-fica]

Carrie, I've not replied to this post because it's such a hrd subject to deal with. I do sympathize withyou! My mom could win an award for her lack of parenting skills. After 15 years with no contact (she gave us up for adoption) I decided to look for her. Somethimes I regret it, somethimes I am thankful for having her in my life again. There have been several times since I found her that I have had to cut off contact to get my own head around the kind of person she is. And then when I am ready I call her again. It sucks, but in order to have a semi functional relationship we have to maintain a distance. I helps that she lives in TX. What I am trying to say is it's OK to cut your mom off for a while. Take the time to heal, and when you are ready, call her, have lunch or something and tak eit slow. Eventually you are going to find that no matter what she's your mom and on some level you'll always love her. What got me though all the trials with my mom was the knowledge that she thinks she is doing the right thing. I know now that her parenting has taught me to be a better mom, so at least she taught me something good. Good Luck! I hope it gets better!