Expectations on Invites

[HisMuse]

I didn't know what else to title this appropriately.

My mom says (I know she has a lot of weird ideas) that sometimes when you invite people they think it's only to get a gift. I think that's crazy, is that true? I would never invite someone just to get a gift and would never think someone would do that with me.

[wedbyjean]

Depends. Are you inviting people who you have contact with is some way? (Not necessarily on a constant basis, but more than just a holiday card each year). Are they people you forsee being in contact with down the line? Are they people you truly care about and want to share in the joy of the day? If so, then they shouldn't think they're being invited just for the gift.

On the other hand, if you really don't know them too well, they aren't really a part of your life, and your only contact is a card with "Happy holidays, from XXXX" scribbled at the bottom each year, then they may get this idea.

Regardless, you know why you're inviting these people. If they're going to think it's just for the gift, then they probably don't know you very well, so don't worry about it. You can't control what others think, so why let someones negative thoughts take up unnecessary space in your head?

[HisMuse]

Everytime we talk about guests my mom brings this up, obsessively. In all reality if people think that and don't want to come and don't want to send a gift, that's fine and obviously they don't know us well.

All the people I'm inviting I really care about and want there. I don't know a lot of the people my parents and the IL are inviting but as far as I see it that's up to them, not me.

[WebLady]

Oh yeah, I have gotten invites from people I hardly ever see or speak to and I think they just want a gift ... needless to say, they don't get one ;)

Not too long ago we got an invite to a wedding of one of DH's cousins, out of town no less. And they didn't even send and RSVP card :purplex: Now DH hasn't seen or heard from these people in like 4 yrs; and the last time was at his mother's funeral. Before that it was years as well since he had been in touch.

Then a couple weeks later, I got an invite to the bridal shower! Now, I have only met these people that one time at the funeral, why would they think I'd care to come; especially when they live 2+ hours away?!

I know some people think it is being nice to invite everyone you know, especially in the family, but I would rather not get an invite unless we keep in touch, ya know?!

Some people send invites to people they may keep in touch like birthdays and holidays, but are not close and don't really want them to come; they just send the invite to be nice and hope for a gift.

Like was mentioned before; I think you should only invite people you care about and are at least somewhat close to and that you'd actually want to be there.

Good luck!

[HisMuse]

I don't think it's really on my end, I am only inviting people I'm in contact with regularly. I wasn't going to invite my friend from Germany but our mutual friend said she'd love an invite even if she can't come, so I'll let her know I just sent her one for fun and we don't expect anything.

My mom is worried who to invite because she doesn't want to offend. My FIL and MIL have people on the list I've never even heard of but I guess they were all invited to their other DIL's wedding.

I don't know, whenever someone has invited me to their wedding or whatever and I knew I couldn't go and didn't know them, I didn't send a gift and never thought twice.

[smileyone2002]

It just depends on the person...I had one kid that we worked with tell me that he didnt think that we liked his girlfriend and I was like well if I didnt then I wouldnt have put her name on the invite and he was like "well she said you only want her there so she can get you a present!" I was like WOW! SO I guess some people think that way and others dont...I wouldnt worry about it....it is just an added stress that you dont need right now!:laugh:

[HisMuse]

I know, I wish my mom would stop being neurotic about everything. I can do that more than enough for everyone.

[Danielle9608]

I kind of know what you mom is talking about. I got this invite for this girl at work that I have said Hi 2 maybe twice. I thought it was kind of strange that I got an invite, I didn't attend but did send a modest gift. I worry that some people maybe think that of me because my mom some how has it in her head that I must invite everyone that once held me as a baby. People will think what they think, I know my intentions are pure. :hare:

[Nikita706]

I agree with some of the previous statements, it depends on the person. 9 times out of 10, I believe that I'm being invited because it's somebody I'm close to. But I have people in my family that have straight out told me that they're inviting someone they don't like because they figure at least they'll get an extra gift. It always baffles me when people have no qualms about outright saying 'I'm inviting tons of people because the more gifts, the better.'

Honestly, I could care less about gifts, and I really wish there was a way to say 'gifts are optional' without people still feeling obligated to get a gift. I tried doing the 'optional gift' thing for my baby shower, but not one person came without a gift. And I still heard complaints later about certain friends not going to the shower because they couldn't afford a gift (She even had the nerve to tell MY DAD of all people that I 'registered at the most expensive place in town to get baby stuff'...Target, lol. Which was rather disheartening, seeing as how I made a point to find the cheapest place in town to get baby stuff and only registered for reasonably priced things...I guess some people you just can't please, lol)

Anyway, DH and I have lived together for almost 4 years, and we've got everything we need. The most important thing to us is to have our close friends and family there to celebrate with us. I've even heard people say that 'it's rude' to write 'gifts optional' (I don't quite remember the reasoning behind it because I thought it was ridiculous).

So I guess to answer the question in the original post, I've never considered that being invited to a wedding was just a 'gift grab'. Especially now that I've begun planning a wedding and I realize how expensive it is to add just one couple to the guest list (at least $30 per person for just the food and drinks), I have a hard time believing that people would pay that amount of money just to get a gift from someone.

[HisMuse]

Anyway, DH and I have lived together for almost 4 years, and we've got everything we need. The most important thing to us is to have our close friends and family there to celebrate with us. I've even heard people say that 'it's rude' to write 'gifts optional' (I don't quite remember the reasoning behind it because I thought it was ridiculous).

So I guess to answer the question in the original post, I've never considered that being invited to a wedding was just a 'gift grab'. Especially now that I've begun planning a wedding and I realize how expensive it is to add just one couple to the guest list (at least $30 per person for just the food and drinks), I have a hard time believing that people would pay that amount of money just to get a gift from someone.

Quite honestly I plan to tell some of my friends coming from far away not to get me a gift because making the trips means so much more than any gift. I really just want them there. I don't know why FIL feels the need to invite everyone he knows even if we don't know them, but then he isn't paying either.

Yeah that last point is a good one. Most likely the amount of money per person for the meal, cake and champagne will be more than the gift.

[WebLady]

Sounds like you shouldn't have any problems Robin. So maybe when your mom says this again ask her who on her list she is just inviting for a gift and tell her you are happy to take them off the list ;)

[HisMuse]

Sounds like you shouldn't have any problems Robin. So maybe when your mom says this again ask her who on her list she is just inviting for a gift and tell her you are happy to take them off the list ;)

I just keep telling her I don't really care what they think and it's up to her who she wants to invite or doesn't want to invite. I just didn't really know this was even an issue until she went on about it so I was curious.

[WebLady]

As far as etiquette goes; typically if you are invited to a wedding, you are expected to send a gift whether you go to the event or not.

The exceptions would be if you live far away and/or if you are not close or have been out of touch for several years and don't intend to go anyway.

So since some people like to throw these huge weddings and invite everyone they have ever known, I assume this is where that thought comes from.

[HisMuse]

Makes sense, that's why I come here...to learn all these things I didn't know.

[WebLady]

Yeah, like I said before; I would only have these thoughts about invites from people I hardly know or talk to.

I guess I feel like if I am not important enough to keep in touch with in regular life then why bother inviting me to your wedding if not for expecting a gift?

[HisMuse]

Yeah, like I said before; I would only have these thoughts about invites from people I hardly know or talk to.

I guess I feel like if I am not important enough to keep in touch with in regular life then why bother inviting me to your wedding if not for expecting a gift?

I agree, I guess it's just never happened to me before and I wouldn't invite someone I don't talk to anymore either.

[WBandMe]

It is a kind of tough thing... for example, my grandma has three sisters and I KNOW none of them will be able to make it--in fact, one will probably pass away before the wedding--but anyway, my grandmother insists I invite them. It seems like if I do invite them knowing they can't come, I'm just looking for a gift... but at the same time, their feelings will be hurt if I don't. I think what's already been said is best...if YOU know why they're being invited (whether it's because you truly want them there, or someone else invited them and you had nothing to do with it!) then don't worry too much. Some people will send gifts, some won't, some will be offended if they're not invited and some will be offended if they are & think you're gift-grabbing. You can't please everyone, so no need to get your feathers ruffled just because someone else's are.

[HisMuse]

That's my mantra as a bride I think...

You can't please everyone.

[WebLady]

That's my mantra as a bride I think...

You can't please everyone.
That is my mantra in life :upsidown:

[HisMuse]

That is my mantra in life :upsidown:

Yeah even better :D

[Dani]

I sent out "Save the Dates" to a few people at work, once they got them they said they weren't going to go (I am having a DW so I understood) and for that reason I am not sending the invites out because I don't want them to think that all I want is the gift. (They are the type to think that too)

[cassiopeia]

Interesting post about people 'pre-rsvping' no on STDs and then not sending them an invite... I wonder if I can get away with that, hehe.

I *definitely* did not inflate the guestlist to get more gifts, and would be appalled if anyone thought that. We invited our families in their entirety because we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and, budget wise, I'd have been thrilled to leave half of them off. I think my MOH are inviting all the women from the guestlist to the shower, because I thought that was what was done. I hope none of my not-so-close family thinks I am gift grubbing! Eeeep, I didn't even want to register.

[NOTKT]

Now say you told a person they will be invited to the wedding and they tell you that they cannot attend. I know it's in good form to formally invite them anyway, but my mom thinks I am just inviting to get a gift. There are a few of her friends that cannot attend, but I'm not sure what to do, I really don't know them and I don't want to seem pushy...

[Nikita706]

Interesting post about people 'pre-rsvping' no on STDs and then not sending them an invite... I wonder if I can get away with that, hehe.

I *definitely* did not inflate the guestlist to get more gifts, and would be appalled if anyone thought that. We invited our families in their entirety because we didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and, budget wise, I'd have been thrilled to leave half of them off. I think my MOH are inviting all the women from the guestlist to the shower, because I thought that was what was done. I hope none of my not-so-close family thinks I am gift grubbing! Eeeep, I didn't even want to register.

I agree 100%. I tried to keep the guest list small. If anyone's offended by the fact that they're invited, I hope they tell me so I can take them off the guest list. I guess until you've actually planned a wedding yourself, it's difficult for people to understand that it costs almost as much for us to invite a couple as it does for them to buy something off the registry.

If anyone tells me that they won't be able to make it to the wedding before I send out invitations, they aren't getting one. If plans change later and they do end up being able to come, then I'll give them an invitation. But they went out of their way to tell me they won't be attending, so I would rather acknowledge that and maybe save a few bucks on the invitation. I'm so mean, lol.

[BrideInCuffs21]

I know the people I am inviting are people that I have had contact with since I had started dating FH. I had a handful of friends before my FH and I started dating, but after we became official those so-called friends just didnt want anything to do with me. So I have made it to having invites sent out ot people that I have known since meeting him and same for him and a couple he knew before me he still talks to.... I know my mom is on my case but she is about to be delt with... she wanted me to invite people I "use" to talk to in high school, and these people she was naming off i havent talked to in 7years!!! SO NO... I am NOT inviting those people.... I want people there that know me know me, and know me and my FH....

I know my mom has this thing about wanting to invite as mnay people as possible thinking Ill get a gift and that drives me insane.. I am not out for peoples free gifts, I am getting married not a Toys For Tots caninidate~! ugh...

As for people thinking they are getting invited just to give a gift then obviously they don't see that you or I thought that we were friends... ya know... then if they dont show up... oh well... ya know

[Nikita706]

I know the people I am inviting are people that I have had contact with since I had started dating FH. I had a handful of friends before my FH and I started dating, but after we became official those so-called friends just didnt want anything to do with me.

Isn't it funny how friends just magically disappear when you get involved in a serious relationship, or even worse in our case, have a kid?! So lame...

[MrsLove]

The reason it's considered bad form to say "Gifts Optional" on any type of invitation is because gifts are always optional. If you say it, then it supposedly sounds like otherwise you would be expecting a gift.

I'm not saying I agree... just stating where it came from.

For my Mom's 80th birthday on the invitation we said,
"No presents, please. Your presence is our present".

If you have casual or contemporary invitations, that might work.

When it comes to invitations, you pretty much can't win.
Someone will get one that things you're just gunning for a gift.
Someone else will NOT get one and be offended that they weren't invited.
Sigh.

[saltyveruca]

We are sending invitations out to a bunch of people that we're fairly certain will not come. We're doing this because they're people that would like to know that we're getting married, so the invites are kind of functioning as an announcement. Of course, it's all good if they decide that they are going to come.

Don't even get me started on gifts. I could not care less whether people get us a gift or not. We aren't rich or anything, I just don't want any more ****. I wish wedding gifts didn't exist! We have SO MUCH **** from living together for 3 years. If we get even 25% of what we've registered for, we're going to have to garage sale a bunch of our old stuff just to make room. Which is fine, but it sort of tells you how much this stuff is just not necessary.

We're asking for home down payment help instead of more stupid kitchen gadgets, but of course not everyone wants to do that, and we don't expect them to. Thus, I am stressed out about our registries, because I don't think we have enough for guests to choose from, and I'm not going to add stuff we don't really need. I also don't want to tell people not to get us anything, because I know our guests, and they are going to get us SOMETHING whether we want it or not. :bblol: So I am crossing my fingers that there will be enough. My bridal shower is in like 2 weeks, so hopefully our lists won't get wiped out from that. And on that note, does anyone know the approximate registry items-to-guests ratio? That would be helpful.

Also about the save the dates-we haven't had any RSVPs, but we've actually gotten gifts from people just off of those. Strange.