What do brides want in a wedding officiant?

[officiant-fica]

Hi everyone. I've recently started performing weddings and I was wondering what you ladies look for in a wedding minister. I was married last June and we had a hard time finding a minister to perform our ceremony with out a bunch of strings attached. One Minister wanted us to live apart (we have a three year old daughter) for 6 months before he would consider doing our wedding. Now, I understand his reason, and I respect his beliefs and we went with another minister. But the fact is we had to "settle" for what we could find. I know what I would have liked in an officiant and I think I represent that in the services I offer. But I would love input from all you ladies. I figure that even though my services are what I would expect, there's things I probably left out. TIA

[CindySue]

Well, if I had to go with someone I didnt know, I would want the to take the time to get to know me and my FH a little. I think that would make it a more personalized service.
With so many inter-faith and inter-cultural marriages now days, the minister should be creative (and open minded) enough to perform a ceremony suited to each particular couple.

[countrygirl]

For me personally, I would want someone who would be open as well. I have heard of some that have requirements on the clotheing, and how much is shown (bust line), and some that don't allow hats.We are doing a western wedding, and my FH wants to wear his cowbow hat, but I don't think tha is allowed.

I guess they just need to be open minded, and realize that we are there for one reason and that is to be joined in the eyes of God (if religious).

[andysgirl07]

I'm with Cindy, I definitely want the minister to get to know me and my FH (if they don't already) to make the wedding more personalized. Also offer to do premarital counseling, but don't make it a requirement. And this may not have anything to do with the minister, but my FH's church wouldn't let us talk about our love in the ceremony. It could only be about God, how God brought us together and his plan for us. We're not that religious, so obviously that didn't work for us!

[CarlosHoney]

I want someone who will not judge us. Not require things from us that are unreasonable (such as living apart, we have a child too) and most of all, perform a ceremony that fits us. Even if they don't know us terribly well, I do want them to respect our beleifs (even if they don't match up with their own) and let us express ourselves freely (within reason).

We went to a friend's wedding, and the minister broke out into song right before the "You may kiss the bride." I think the guy was senile. I don't want surprises at my wedding, I want what we talked about and agreed upon.

[WebLady]

I agree with everyone else ... I think that this goes along with pretty much anything else; when I am paying someone to do something for me, I expect to get what I want out of it without having the personal opinions and views of others pushed upon me.

I have my own personal beliefs and I know that they are not always popular ones. As a vendor I am open to most anything, I think officiates should be as well. There are lots out there these days so you have to be more willing to please.

[officiant-fica]

Thanks Ladies. You've pretty much confirmed what I thought and what I've been aiming for. My whole premise is offering couples a ceremony that reflect them, regardless of how I might feel about it. I can't compromise on some things, like I think I will avoid nude weddings......LOL. Plus I like to meet with the couples at least twice before the ceremony. You know try to get a feel for them. But what I am finding is that many couples focus on the reception and put the ceremony on the back burner. I have several prewritten ceremonies, and I am surprised that people are choosing those verses a personalized ceremony (at the same rate) Thanks Again! any input is welcome.

[officiant-fica]

I really don't feel like I have the qualifications to offer counseling. I do have a short questionaire that I go through, and it can make some couples think about things that they never considered. Hopefully once we get DH though college I can get back into taking some courses to better qualify myself.

[officiant-fica]

We went to a friend's wedding, and the minister broke out into song right before the "You may kiss the bride." I think the guy was senile. I don't want surprises at my wedding, I want what we talked about and agreed upon.

LOL I would have laughed so hard! (quietly though........) How awful!

[WebLady]

I remember a wedding I did as a photographer once and the minister started speaking in tongues! Then he called his wife up there with him and they both 'laid hands' on the couple. I was like "are they serious?" Everyone seemed to be wondering the same thing.

I have seen several cases where the officiate forgets or mispronounces the name of one of the couple.

Yeah I don't think I would want to be involved in a nude wedding either. There are a few things I probably wouldn't do, but I haven't come across that yet. I have seen a couple of weddings that almost made me a little uncomfortable, because my beliefs were not the same. But they weren't pushing it on me, I was just there to work.

I do tend to ask people what type of event it is going to be, to try and get a feel for it. Once I had a couple tell me not to wear black, once I had a couple tell me to wear black (which I do anyway) And once I had a bride ask me to wear her wedding colors, she was lucky I had a shirt that color ... I just wore it under my suit jacket ;)

[CarlosHoney]

OMG! I think that's a little much, when the bride wants her vendors to match her "theme". Yeah, buddy. I did look at my dad's suits and tell him which one would match what the rest of the BP was wearing, and when he said that his wife got him an eggplant shirt and a tie that was black with eggplant and ivory/silver stripes, I told him that those would look the nicest with what everyone would be wearing...

But, come on!! That's a little mutch. I think I would die if the minister started speaking in tounges. I'd probably stop him and ask for a refund.

[CindySue]

I really don't feel like I have the qualifications to offer counseling. I do have a short questionaire that I go through, and it can make some couples think about things that they never considered. Hopefully once we get DH though college I can get back into taking some courses to better qualify myself.

Thats a good thing. Have a sheet with "the BIG questions" on it. Have them each answer it separate then share their their answers with each other.

[CarlosHoney]

Yeah, that's a really good idea.

Do you want Children? How many? When do you want them?

What are your goals in the next 5 years?

What are your political ideals?

How about Moral ideals?

Can anyone else think of some?? :bbmrgreen:

[CindySue]

Yeah, that's a really good idea.

Do you want Children? How many? When do you want them?

What are your goals in the next 5 years?

What are your political ideals?

How about Moral ideals?

Can anyone else think of some?? :bbmrgreen:

Those are really good Carrie! Brian and I covered all of this in our 1st phone call!!!
I have a couple more............

What do you think "being married" means?

Why do you want to marry this person?

Name 3 things you believe are important to a marriage. (Brian and I did this and we had the same answers....not in the same order but still.....)

What are your plans on making your marriage work?

[countrygirl]

My Fh and I have to go thru all of that to be married in the Cath church.

YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWWW

[WebLady]

Yeah, that's a really good idea.

Do you want Children? How many? When do you want them?

What are your goals in the next 5 years?

What are your political ideals?

How about Moral ideals?

Can anyone else think of some?? :bbmrgreen:

These are good, but personally I don't think that these are really ones to be asked by your officate.

I know I have posted "The Hard Questions" before, but here they are again ...

1. How well do we really know each other? (Have you been together long enough to know the important things about each other?)

2. Do we respect and trust each other? (Lasting marriage requires this as well as love)

3. Are we getting married for the right reasons? (It is about more than just being in “love” with the idea of being married … loneliness, pregnancy, financial security or wanting to get out of your parents home are not good reasons to get married)

4. Do we share the same or compatible beliefs about the major issues of life? (Religion, having and raising children, etc)

5. Do we have the same or compatible goals for the future? (Finances, health, home, etc …)

6. Are we compatible in how we handle conflict in our relationship and in life in general? (is one of you quiet and the other argumentative?)

7. What do we expect out of marriage … do we have the same expectations?

8. Do we agree on how we will live after we are married? (who will cook, clean, work, pay bills, make decisions, etc)

9. Do we communicate well … can we comfortably talk to each other about anything? (sex, money, politics, etc. Communication is the key to any good relationship. Your spouse should be your best friend)

10. Do we love and accept each other as we are right now without any hidden goals to want to change the other person?

These questions don’t cover everything, but it should give you some things to discuss. If I had these questions before I got married to my ex, I might not have married him! No, you don’t have to agree on everything but you should agree on the things you find to be the most important or at least come to a mutually acceptable compromise before you say “I Do“.

[officiant-fica]

I remember a wedding I did as a photographer once and the minister started speaking in tongues! Then he called his wife up there with him and they both 'laid hands' on the couple. I was like "are they serious?" Everyone seemed to be wondering the same thing.

I have seen several cases where the officiate forgets or mispronounces the name of one of the couple.

How funny, but I suppose that if you are raised in a church that speaks in tounges it would seem normal to you.
And the mispronounced name...Well that was us. I had even spelled it phoneticly (sp) and told her twice how to say it. And she still got it wrong. All she had to do was read it from the ceremony script I gave her. Well, what can you do....

[officiant-fica]

I actually got a questionnaire from a minister that I tweaked a little. Some questions were a little to overboard. I do like to go over it with the couple together, because you'ld be surprised about the things many couples dont discuss before they commit to spending the rest of their lives together. Now with that said do you ladies midnd if I add some of the questions you've posted?:bblol:

[CindySue]

I actually got a questionnaire from a minister that I tweaked a little. Some questions were a little to overboard. I do like to go over it with the couple together, because you'ld be surprised about the things many couples dont discuss before they commit to spending the rest of their lives together. Now with that said do you ladies midnd if I add some of the questions you've posted?:bblol:

No we dont mind....that what we are here for.
With Brian and I both being married before, we what things we needed to know about each other and we have had a lot of deep conversations about our views, beliefs and yes, our pasts. We have the same views and values so that has definitely helped. When we do disagree on something, we make it a point to try to see the others point of view.....which is surprising considering we are both so stubborn it aint even funny. :D

[WebLady]

No we dont mind....that what we are here for.
With Brian and I both being married before, we what things we needed to know about each other and we have had a lot of deep conversations about our views, beliefs and yes, our pasts. We have the same views and values so that has definitely helped. When we do disagree on something, we make it a point to try to see the others point of view.....which is surprising considering we are both so stubborn it aint even funny. :D

I had been married before, but my DH had not. We too had quite a few 'deep' conversations about marriage and commitment and our view about things. Honestly, we don't disagree that often, but when we do we will talk about it and like you said, try to see the other person's perspective, we always work it out pretty fast ... I don't ever make him sleep on the couch or anything ;) I don't like to go to bed angry or upset. I love it that we can talk to each other about about anything. I love all of our deep conversations ... sometimes we will sit and talk for hours.

Funny, I could barely get my ex to talk to me about anything ... one of the many reasons he is my ex ;)

[CarlosHoney]

Audrey, if you don't mind me asking, what are some of the questions that you have on your sheet? We aren't doing counsleing since FH's Dad is going to perform the ceremony.

Thanks!!

[officiant-fica]

It's long so bear bear with me! Some questions don't pertain to every couple, so I try to get a basic understanding of the relationship before I ask the questions from each section.
Relationship
Do you love and trust your fiancé?
How will you make decisions once you are married?
How would you handle/settle an argument?
What do you do if you cannot agree?
Is it hard to say please, thank you and I'm sorry?
When you are ill, how much sympathy and attention do you desire?
How would you handle end-of-life decisions and life insurance?
How will you relate to in-laws, opposite-sex friends, ex-spouse or children from previous relationships after you are married?
Do you believe your fiancé will be faithful?
Can you see yourselves growing old together?
Is your fiancé an honest and truthful person?
How do you show each other affection?
Is your fiancé kind, gentle and understanding of children, co-workers and family?
Finances
Do you support your fiancé’s career?
How will you decide on what major purchases to make?
Who will pay the bills and keep the checkbook?
What are your thoughts about the use of credit cards?
If either you or your spouse lost your job, what budget items would you cut?
Will you have joint savings and checking accounts?
Have you created a budget?


Home
Where do you want to live and in what setting would you want to live (city, suburb, small town, rural, plains, mountains, desert, coastal, etc.)
What do you expect your marriage and standard of living to be like after five years?
How soon after you are married do you expect to have your home reasonably furnished?
Will you do your own home maintenance?
Who will do the yard work?
Housekeeping
Who will prepare
How often will you eat out?
Who will do the laundry?
Who will go purchase groceries?
Who will make sure general automobile maintenance is done?
Who will do general household cleaning?
Who will do the dishes?
Do you want a pet in the home? If so, what type?
Children and Parenting
What is your attitude towards children?
When will you begin having children and how many?
What would you do if you cannot conceive children of your own?
How will you discipline them?
Who will be the primary disciplinarian?
Will your children do chores?
How will you deal with children from a previous marriage?
How will you deal with issues at their school?
Social Activities/Church
Do you share the same beliefs?
What will you teach your children regarding your faith?
What hobbies or recreational activities will you pursue individually, together and how often?
How will your personal friendships (his/her friends) change after marriage?
How do you feel about alcoholic beverages, smoking and guns in your home?
Where will you spend the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries?
Will you both have certain times to spend with your own friends?

Red Flags
Your fiancé seems to be irrationally jealous of friends, family or past relationships.
Your fiancé is prone to extreme emotional outbursts and mood swings.
Your fiancé displays controlling/smothering behavior.
Your fiancé is unable to hold a job.
Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict.
Your fiancé exhibits dishonesty.
Your fiancé does not treat you with respect.
Your fiancé is overly dependent on others for money.
Your fiancé exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse towards you or others.
Your fiancé displays signs of drug/alcohol abuse
Note: If any of these signs exist, you should schedule a time to talk with a minister or counselor immediately.

[usahgrad]

I don't know what everyone else has said, but personally, when we were looking for an officiant we had a few things in mind:

1.) Affordability: terrible to say, I know, but with everything else that is SO expensive for a wedding, something affordable was necessary.

2.) Flexibility: I was raised Catholic and in order to be married in the Catholic church, I HAD to get married inside. They would not do an outdoor wedding. Also, a short ceremony that just gets to the point would have been next to impossible. When we met our officiant, he told us we could include anything as long as it wasn't satanic. We will have a native american poem read and the only song we chose to have played was Shania Twain; wouldn't have happened with other officiants.

3.) Connectivity: Ok, to be honest with you, when we were looking for an officiant, we were looking for someone who was ordained for my mother and someone who was legal for us. That was about it. Part of what helped us pick the officiant we did was that he understood that neither of us wanted to be sitting in a room with a bunch of other couples-to-wed sharing who was going to clean the toilets on a regular basis. To top it off, (this is part of the Catholicism kicking in again) I cannot see how someone else can tell you how to make your marriage work. Every person is different and every relationship has it's own quirk. Pre-marital counseling would have been a joke to us because we both feel this way. The only way we're going to make our marriage work is if HE and I work on it. However, if we had wanted to do some sort of counseling, I would have wanted it to be individual; I hate the idea of retreats.

So there's my two cents...hope that helps! Good luck!

[officiant-fica]

I don't know what everyone else has said, but personally, when we were looking for an officiant we had a few things in mind:

1.) Affordability: terrible to say, I know, but with everything else that is SO expensive for a wedding, something affordable was necessary.

2.) Flexibility:

3.) Connectivity:
Thanks Kelli, It's not terrible to mention price or ask for afforability! Wedding expences are outrageous! When DH and I looked for ministers I could not believe the prices I was quoted( between $450 and $200 with out rehearsal). In the end our Officiant actually jacked up the price by $50.00 after the ceremony. What could we do? We had to pay it, she had our marriage licence. I priced my services at what I thought was afforable based on the type of service couples wanted. However, if a couple asked for a better price to fit into their budget I would work with them. As for flexibility, it's one of the reasons I decided to get into this. I've met a few brides that had been turned down for reasons that made little sense to me. I want the couples I work with to have the ceremony they want. Not a ceremony based on what I think they should have. Connectivity is important. I offer a no obligation consultation (no obbligation for both of us LOL) to see if "we fit" if that makes any sense. And I've had one couple that I really didn't feel comfortable marrying. It's very difficult to gracefully back out but in this case I could not have done their ceremony and felt god.
Thanks for your two cents!

[CarlosHoney]

It's so refreshing to hear someone talk the way you do about marrying people. What a relief. :bbmrgreen: