What if it's a mistake? [Archive] - OneWed's Wedding Chat

Measha

02-19-2008, 01:43 AM

Do you ever just think...what if I'm making a huge mistake? What if this -isn't- the one? What if I'm settling?

Perhaps it's due to all the other stress going on in my life right now, but I've been having some serious bouts of "cold feet" for lack of better words. We've also been fighting a lot more...and all the fuss over planning isn't helping that.

Tonight we had a bad squabble and he actually threw something at me. Just a wallet, but the man's got a good arm...and at times a bad temper. I told him when he came back that it hurt and he says "ya right." *sigh*

I don't expect things to always be peachy. But there is only so much I'll put up with. And lately I just keep thinking more and more...what if this isn't right?

Sorry gals, this is a downer of a thread. I just needed to vent, get it off my chest, I don't know. I don't expect any magical advice to make it better. Just needed an ear.

NOTKT

02-19-2008, 01:51 AM

:( I don't know how to help you, I wish I did. Just stick with your gut feeling...

Measha

02-19-2008, 01:55 AM

It's alright, as I said I'm not looking for any magic advice. I'm just hoping, I suppose I'm not the only one to suffer from doubt as well.

bichonlvr

02-19-2008, 02:11 AM

Welll hmmmmmm.....

I am sure everyone wonders certain things, forever is a LONG time and planning a wedding is a very stressful time

HOWEVER, that being said, I think you both need to talk about what is going on! I would say if your feelings are more of a feeling of dread or the feelings are super overwhelming there is a problem, who knows what that might be!!!

Have you thought these things for awhile? Do they ever subside? Do you think he is feeling the same thing? Do the lame things he does still make your heart go pitter patter? Has he ever hurt you, not just the wallet thing? Have you talked to any of your family/friends about this?

Things are also hard in a relationship, you know what is right deep down...

Good luck and we are hear to chat and "listen"!!!

Hello moms we need some moms over here!!! :)

BnB

02-19-2008, 05:48 AM

having that feeling is sort of normal

but what bothers me is that he is violent

I know you say it was just a wallet, but I too was in a realtionship that started with just the small things, like throwing things at me

the small got bigger and more dangerous, like a cup of scalding coffee

eventually, it got physical with his hands

when he picked me up and slammed me into the door jam, that was it for me

honey, I"m not a therapist in any way, but please be careful

I saw my boyfriend throw huge things, that would have truly hurt, had they hit, over dumb reasons

He was violent with everything as well, not just with me

does he throw things, such as tools, if he is angry?

SerendipityCrafts

02-19-2008, 06:21 AM

Has he ever hurt you, not just the wallet thing?

Hello moms we need some moms over here!!! :)

This might be "a first" (and perhaps only) but as a Mom, I would be concerned about the wallet throwing. I am also concerned about his lack of remorse.

I told him when he came back that it hurt and he says "ya right." *sigh*

Does he also lash out with words? I am not saying that you should do this because two wrongs don't make a right but ..... what do you think might have happened if you had taken the wallet and drilled it back at him?

and at times a bad temper.

Does he direct his "temper" at you only or, do other people also feel his wrath? Just imagine what would ever happen if he tried that with his boss KWIM?

I would talk to him about it and let him know that you will NOT tolerate this type of behaviour. Throwing anything (objects or harsh words) is NOT acceptable - Period! Study his reaction to what you have said - it might give you a clue as to his true attitude.

Goin2thechapel

02-19-2008, 06:41 AM

I totally had these thoughts before my wedding! Forever is...well...forever...LOL

It's a huge commitment!

But seriously...Your situation is very different. At no time should he be verbally or physically abusive. If it's happening now and you know that he has a bad temper, then you need to really think about this. I work with men who are domestic abusers, and talking to them I can see that they had warning signs from adolescence!!!

Just make sure you think about this. If you're having doubts like this and there is a situation like this, you need to take care of yourself....Just promise us that you'll think about this before making such a commitment...

(((((((hugs))))))

StaceyMc

02-19-2008, 08:35 AM

I had some of those thoughts as well. It's a gigantic committment!

I agree with Elizabeth - the wallet throwing bothers me, but his "yeah right" when you told him it hurt bothers me more.

You both need to talk about it and you need to follow your instincts.

smileyone2002

02-19-2008, 08:50 AM

I think that these feelings are somewhat normal...I havent experienced them and hope that I wont but it seems like a lot of the other girls have. But the one thing that IS a problem and WILL be a problem is his temper. If he threw something at you...no matter if it was a wallet....that shows that he has the ability to throw other things at you. You guys need to sit down and talk about that before it gets out of hand!

I will be thinking about you and I hope everything gets better, sometimes couples just spend too much time together and all the little things just build up. Good Luck! And if I was there to give you a hug I would :hug:

Smashingpennies

02-19-2008, 08:59 AM

Your feelings are normal, I had them when I was getting married.
Stress does funny things to people and makes even the sanest person snap.
I have a bad temper and as a child and teenager; have sent things flying even when I knew better; and as I got older I have done it less and less becuase, throwing things doesn't solve anything it just makes you look childish. It doesn't help you feel better and it can only hurt others; and when I had kids I figured what will the kids learn if they see thier parents acting like that. You need to talk to your FH and tell him how it makes you feel and that you are worried and bothred by the fact he threw a wallet at you. Honesty is always the best way to deal with any issue; even when it is a hard issue like what you are dealin with. My husband and I used to rarely fight; due to all the stress we are both under we fight a lot more than we would like, but violence doesn't solve anything. I would hate to have something happen to you. Be careful and I hope everything works out for you.

WebLady

02-19-2008, 09:19 AM

I agree with the others who have said it is fairly normal to have "cold feet", but if your FH is has such a temper as you say and throws things at you then there may be a bigger problem.

Personally I think you both need to sit down and talk about things and perhaps consider some counseling. If this was me, I certainly wouldn't marry him until I felt our issues were resolved.

All the best and good luck!

FFC

02-19-2008, 10:45 AM

Everyone else here has said it very well. I believe it's normal to have "cold feet", but your cold feet are justified by the incident you discribed. SC hit the nail on the head - What happens when that wallet turns into something bigger? Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, I recommend you two practice that before you advance any further in your plans.

One more thing.. Don't feel trapped into marrying him because you have started planning your wedding - if you have. It's important to remember that you're making a life long commitment, and you want to be happy.

I will keep you in my prayers and that you and him can find happiness.

hummingbird521

02-19-2008, 10:54 AM

Ok, here goes as a mom and as a woman who has been married more than once or twice.

I had those doubts with all of my previous marriages. This one now never had a doubt (even the smallest) that I wanted out or was making a mistake.

Now with this being said. I am worried about the wallet throwing and the temper. I came out of two abusive marriages. I had that little voice telling me before each that it was wrong, it wasn't going to work and that "if they throw things now what happens later"? I should have listened.

Listen to that voice. Never ever ignore it. My past marriage started the same way. Small things thrown at me, cursing me, belittling me and it only grew worse.

Only you and your little voice can tell you what to do here. Listen to it. Pay attention to the signs. Pay very close attention to the signs.

Measha

02-19-2008, 10:55 AM

Thank you gals, it really means a lot to see the concern and the care you show *tears up*.

And the whole wallet thing. I know it made me feel silly to complain because of what it was. But my thoughts were what a lot of others brought up...it doesn't matter the object it's the fact that it happened and all, and if his temper is that bad, well then yes we have some bigger fish to fry indeed. In the past three years he's gotten significantly better with dealing with his anger. However there are still times he tells me to avoid him until he calms down.
My father -never- yelled, insulted, or lost his temper in any way around me growing up, but I was around my mother's friends and sisters who were in abusive relationships and it's always made me...how to put it? I just know that I'd never put up with anything those women went through.
And I know that Jon is a good man deep down, or I'd already be out of here. It's just made it a rather tough situation of late. As a few more pointed out we need to sit down and have a very long talk. Which is really never easy after a bad fight. Even I need my time to cool off.

Among other things I don't think my anxiety issues are helping me feel any more sure in anything at the moment. I'm highly considering going to speak with a doctor about General Anxiety Disorder ( http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad/index.shtml ). At times it gets to the point I start getting depressed over the worry. Not good at all.

Again, thank you ladies. I was so worried about posting something like this. I hate to feel that the only time I speak so openly about Jon is for something negative, and I know it doesn't leave him in the best light. We both have our issues to work through and we'll see how that helps the doubts and the stress.

FFC

02-19-2008, 10:59 AM

Whatever you decide to do, I just hope that in the end you are happy. Life is too short to just settle.

70707Bride

02-19-2008, 11:20 AM

Chris and I used to argue a bunch before the wedding, but I didn't think that it was a mistake to get married. Arguing is normal, you shouldn't agree on everything, I learned that in my communications class hehe. Nobody is perfect, don't think that you are just settling. Chris isn't everything that I WANT, but he's everything that I NEED and I think that is what is important, and I love him. The wallet thing, I think you need to talk about that. Yeah its just a wallet, but can it lead to bigger things? Do you plan on having kids? This probably isn't good advice but if Chris thew something at me, I'd throw something back! I won't just sit back and take that, but Chris would also never hurt me so that is irrelevant. Good luck with everything.

kgvettegirl

02-19-2008, 12:14 PM

I'm going to keep you both in my prayers. The first step in resolving a problem is admitting you have one. I think that if you both sit down after you've both had time to cool off you can work through this. You really need to get across to him that his actions and words can hurt you. When you open up your heart to someone that gives them the ability to really hurt the other. I know that planning a wedding is one of the most stressful parts of starting a life together. Take a few cleansing breaths, and let him know how you feel. Then listen to him and what he is feeling. Let him know what you will tolerate and what you won't. The foundation you lay down now is going to last a lifetime.

NicksBride

02-19-2008, 12:20 PM

I think everyone has pretty much said it all.
But weddings can be VERY stressful times and it may be best to just do something for the two of you, completly UN-related to wedding talk.
I think the throwing of things is serious and something should be done about that, maybe try couples counseling?!?!
Good luck sweetie.

lize566

02-19-2008, 02:16 PM

Everybody else has offered great advice, and said pretty much everything I am going to say, but I will tell you that I have had *sort of* a similar experience. Sorry is this is really long! First of all I did have a few doubts, but I think that is normal to some degree. I always talked to him about these doubts, b/c that's the nice about relationships-when I am on a low, I can usually count on him to reassure me, etc, and vice versa.

Now about the the throwing the wallet thing. DH used to have/still sometimes does a HORRIBLE temper. It was mainly directed at his brother for other issues he has with him, but once or twice it was directed at me, or at least enough at me to make me uncomfortable. He has thrown things at his brother that he REALLY shouldn't thrown, and he threw the remote control once, maybe not *at* me but in my general area. Another time we were arguing (we kind of do that a lot, but they aren't serious arguements, we just kind of communicate by picking at each other, some might think it's weird, but it works for us) in his car and he threw his cell phone at the glass shield thing in front of the spedometer thing and broke it. It's still broken and I think kind of acts as a reminder, b/c the day that happened, I was done. He went to a counselor for anger management a few times, I don't know if it helped or not, but he doesn't act that way anymore. He has also matured tremendously. He is now 25, at the time of these incidents he was probably 20ish. Maybe Jon needs to see somebody about his anger, ecspecially if he doesn't feel much remorse about it. I guess what I am trying to say is the situation needs to be addressed. There are tons of other factors involved, and I never told anybody about the couple of times DH scared me b/c I knew he would never hurt me, but when I told him how much it scared me and everything, he worked on it. I hope you get everything figured out, and you both can get past this! Sorry for the long repsonse, I just really felt like I could relate to how you were feeling. Good luck, sweetie!

EarlyBird

02-19-2008, 03:31 PM

i wrote a similiar thread about mike and i a couple weeks ago-- (maybe you can find it) I was so worried about divorce and mistakes that i was making myself sick. Try and take a deep breath. Seriously, i did and it helped sooo much. Now while i get every side of this wallet argument (it starts with a wallet and then ends with his hands, and also the argument that it was JUST a wallet) Truth is, i have throw small things at mike and im not abusive.. when i have done it its been when he provokes me to the point that i can not get a word in and im so frustrated (DOESNT MAKE IT RIGHT) but I'll tell ya, the ball of socks were a real good compromise to what i wanted to throw at him ;) and in the same aspect, i know that some words can hurt much more then a wallet, a sock, a shirt etc!! I would worry more if the words are harsh and unapologetic (NOT that it makes it okay if he apologizes... i dont want anyone to think im ever condoning violence for any reason, please dont take this the wrong way, im just trying to give both sides of the coin)

Are you questioning your love for him or his love for you? Do you think that 5 years from now you wont be happy? I had to ask soo many of these hard questions when i was having my own doubts. - answer them honestly to yourself, and then discuss it with him!.

august8bride

02-19-2008, 05:46 PM

I have doubts too. Not that we fight or anything, but I wonder if its the right thing for us to do. And I wonder in 20 years we will still feel the same way about each other we do now. The worst is when I bring up the doubts to my FH he just says we don't need to worry about it, and if we stress about divorce before we are even married then we shouldn't get married at all. Which dosen't help.

BrideInCuffs21

02-19-2008, 08:49 PM

Measha You aren't alone honey. My FH and I have been fighting for the past 2 months. Over stupid stuff or something that one of us does sets the other one off. Our last fight was a couple days before V-day and this fight was horrible us throwing things, using force for the other to stay, screaming at the top of our lungs, and him prying the ring off my finger and him helping me pack my belongings up from the house... EVERYTHING!!! Everything I ever bought him, it also included me calling my mother to help come and get me and my belongings... and that the wedding was off.

Well needless to say we were crying like we have never cried before and it boiled down to us talking, him helping me unpack my things, and the next day him re=proposing.... we have been fine so far and more in love than anything...

Talking with my mom she thinks we are testing each other to see how much we really love each other and want to be with each other and that its stress and some cold feet. FH and I have alot of insecurities and she thinks we are testing each other to see if we are strong enough to want this...

So measha keep your head up and your heart open...

I can tell you that after all the fights we have had there has been things thrown and broken, and some physical force but only to keep the other from leaving.... that I know deep down in my heart that he is the man for me and that I cannot picture my life and future without him. I can see him and I in the future and having a family and growing old together... he makes me happy.... thats how I know that I have made the right choice... that and there are some unexplainable feelings that I can't describe that I know he is the one....

So keep your head open.... love ya hun

Measha

02-19-2008, 11:09 PM

70707Bride, I know what you mean. In that he may not be the ideal dream of what I've ever wanted, but he is most often what I need. I'm a very creative, artistic and worrisome individual. Normally he is the logical and reasonable one. Lord knows I need that, heh. Maybe that's another reason that when he gets upset and loses that "cool" it upsets me even more.

There are tons of other factors involved, and I never told anybody about the couple of times DH scared me b/c I knew he would never hurt me, but when I told him how much it scared me and everything, he worked on it.

Indeed, Liz. I talked to Jon and he's much the same way. He knows he has an anger issue...and he tries hard to keep it in check. He admitted today that he got way out of line, but couldn't see it at the time. I think...that a lot of his anger issues center around his father (whom left the family after an affair when Jon was young and neglected his children horribly).

I guess, as I was saying earlier witnessing some abusive relationships. I'm not so positive it could -never- happen. Maybe I'll talk him into looking into other ways to get control of it.

BrideInCuffs, that sounds so horrible! I'm glad it all worked out and I just can't imagine...I'd be so heart broken ((hugs)).

And all of you ladies again thank you so so much, for "listening" and sharing and just being there.

TangoWedding

02-19-2008, 11:59 PM

Sorry, but I cannot even IMAGINE marrying someone who would ever throw anything at me in a rage....or scream at the top of his lungs at me, for that matter. IMO, if he's not mature enough to control his own anger, then he's not mature enough to marry me.

Sorry if that's rude, but seriously....I just can't fathom the thought of ever being in a relationship like that.

Measha

02-20-2008, 10:05 AM

I've been doing more thinking in general. In a way we all communicate differently, even when it comes to disagreements and fighting. I can't imagine having a fight like BrideinCuffs did...and Tango can't imagine putting up with how Jon acted, it sounds like... I'm sure the chain between all us ladies could go many ways with that. We're all a bit different in that aspect as are our men. And we're all working it out in our own fashions.

As to maturity. I often feel that I'm more lacking in that respect than he is. And I really don't feel it has anything to do with his anger issues. He knows he shouldn't have done it, he knows he got carried away, he works hard on what he knows is an issue he HAS to get past. Immaturity in my mind, would be denying the issue and taking no steps in a proper direction.

And as to shouting well, he's not so much the type, but a lot of men are. Sometimes it's because in their development they haven't been taught to communicate properly. They get frustrated and it's basically...for lack of knowing what better to do. Luckily a lot of men these days are more "in touch" with their feelings and dealing with them.

neebelung

02-20-2008, 11:46 AM

Do you ever just think...what if I'm making a huge mistake? What if this -isn't- the one? What if I'm settling? Um, nope, not once, not ever.

Perhaps it's due to all the other stress going on in my life right now, but I've been having some serious bouts of "cold feet" for lack of better words. We've also been fighting a lot more...and all the fuss over planning isn't helping that. Cold feel are natural.. but actually feeling like it's a mistake, questioning if you're "settling" sounds far more serious than mere cold feet.

Tonight we had a bad squabble and he actually threw something at me. Just a wallet, but the man's got a good arm...and at times a bad temper. I told him when he came back that it hurt and he says "ya right." *sigh* No matter HOW stressful the situation, there's never a time when it's excuseable for either of you to resort to physical violence or acting out in that manner.

I don't expect things to always be peachy. But there is only so much I'll put up with. And lately I just keep thinking more and more...what if this isn't right? No, it won't always be peachy, but a temper like that is more than anyone should have to put up with.

Sorry gals, this is a downer of a thread. I just needed to vent, get it off my chest, I don't know. I don't expect any magical advice to make it better. Just needed an ear. That's what we're here for... for you to vent to. And I haven't read the other ladies responses, but I do hope you'll take a moment and consider that things like this (violent tempers) don't get better over time, they get worse. Good luck to you.

mj512

02-20-2008, 12:06 PM

I ditto everyone else, (I haven't read this whole thread, but I am sure they have given great advice) it is NEVER okay for him to every throw ANYTHING at you in anger, not even a tissue. Maybe you need to take some time to think about things, sometimes feelings of cold feet are there for a valid reason. Sometimes they are just nerves, but sometimes you have that feeling for a reason. Please be careful and do not ignore your gut feelings.

Domestic abuse is NEVER okay. I had a childhood babysitter that was murdered about 2 1/2 years ago by her husband. Even the smallest things freak me out when I hear something violent from their significant other.

lize566

02-20-2008, 02:40 PM

Indeed, Liz. I talked to Jon and he's much the same way. He knows he has an anger issue...and he tries hard to keep it in check. He admitted today that he got way out of line, but couldn't see it at the time. I think...that a lot of his anger issues center around his father (whom left the family after an affair when Jon was young and neglected his children horribly).

I guess, as I was saying earlier witnessing some abusive relationships. I'm not so positive it could -never- happen. Maybe I'll talk him into looking into other ways to get control of it.

OMG those are the exact issues DH has!!

I'm glad you guys talked about it, and maybe you need to make sure he gets some help about those issues. I can NEVER imagine DH throwing anything at more or towards me now, but he has gotten so much better with his anger! I hope he gets all his issues figured out and you guys can be happy together forever :)

mobdilemma

02-24-2008, 04:55 PM

As the mother of a bride with lots of "life experience" (read: OLD!!), your post concerns me. I would like to share with you part of an email I sent to my two daughters about two years ago:

"Whatever you do in your lives, don't settle. Don't settle for a career that doesn't challenge and excite you (most of the time). Don't settle for friends that don't value the true meaning of friendship. And, above all, don't settle for a love that doesn't cherish you. You both deserve to be cherished. You are amazing people and any man would be lucky to be with you. There is someone out there for each of you that will love you and honor you every day of your lives and you owe it to yourselves (and to him, whoever he may be) to find him.

"Too often, we become jaded to the possibilities that life offers. We take the easy path because the rockier road seems, well...rockier! But think of the hikes you have taken and the ones that held the most beauty at the end are generally the one that were hardest to reach...

"So, don't settle. Value yourselves enough to know that you are worth achieving and receiving the best of everything including life partners. That doesn't mean that there won't be rough times but if you have chosen someone who loves the woman in you, the little girl in you ,the clown in you, the intellectual in you, the romantic in you, and the dreamer in you, you will weather any storm. I have confidence that neither of you will ever settle for less."

Hope that helps ...

TangoWedding

02-24-2008, 06:21 PM

I love that!!!!!! :flower:

SerendipityCrafts

02-24-2008, 08:34 PM

As the mother of a bride with lots of "life experience" (read: OLD!!),

I would like to share with you part of an email I sent to my two daughters

As a mother of a 19 year old girl and 17 year old son, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your words. I plan to pass it along to both of my kids :)

frenchie

02-24-2008, 08:57 PM

Well, him throwing something at you and not saying he's sorry is a problem.
I'm sooo sorry ((((((hugs)))))).
Really think about this, you have 9 months left, that's what engagement is for, sort of - it's a time to get to know a person better, a time where backing out for grave motives is perfectly acceptable and less painful than a divorce.

I'll be praying for you and hoping you'll find a solution.

hummingbird521

02-24-2008, 09:52 PM

BrideInCuffs21

02-26-2008, 10:58 PM

Tango, I know what you mean about never wanting to be in a relationship like 'physical abuse." I can honestly say that the fight we had never led to punching, hitting, or slapping. It was a moderate tug on clothing or a magazine being thrown during the argument. This came about as well when we try to talk to each other and the other one turns their back to walk away the other one threw something to get thier attention so we could talk. I may have made what happened between my FH and I sound worse then it was... but I can tell you it was a spat and yes there was anger and sadness in it all but I can tell you never once in my mind during that fight did I ever think of me making a mistake and him for the same fact.... We are doing better wach day and more in love.... just wanted to clarify, I dont want to make my FH or I look like we are abusive, just emotional....

iamcourt

02-27-2008, 11:20 PM

It does sound fairly normal that you have frustration with each other. But it sounds like he's not handling his frustration very well. If your wedding deadline isn't that pressing, you could consider putting it off. Throwing something at someone is very disrespectful though. It's not something that happy, emotionally responsible people do. It could be an indicator of problems that you're not discussing or his immaturity. It's probably a good idea to talk to a counselor and find out so that you can work it out.

SouthernQueenBride

02-28-2008, 12:10 AM

I think that in today's society .... unfortunatly it is a rare thing for a bride not to question if she is doing the right thing. So many girls rush into getting married just to have the wedding or b/c they think it is just next in line on their personal timeline.

Honey ... you need to talk to him. Really really really talk to him. I admit me and Brandon have gotten in some serious arguments and we have both said hurtful things. I have questioned if I was doing the right thing in the heat of an argument b/c all I was seeing was the bad and I was really really angry. If you feel this way on a normal day though ... when things are not tough ... I think that you might have a serious problem.

Also for all the girls on here regarding arguing (WE ALL DO IT! NOT ONE RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT WITH NO ARGUEMENTS- SMALL OR LARGE)
We try to stick by this little saying,

"Is what we are arguing about really going to matter 10 years down the road?" Usually one of us will bring this up and it helps to put things in perspective quickly. Also try having a safe word/cool down request.

After a bad fight once. Me and Brandon sat down and strategized on how we could have prevented a lot of hurtful things that were said that were soooo un-called for. We decided that when things get to that point where all we are doing is pointing fingers and bringing up past mistakes that one of us would call a "time-out". No questions asked. That means we stop talking and go into separate rooms for 10-15 minutes. Gather our thoughts and then come back and resolve the issue. Easy in theory ... but practice makes perfect.

Remember Communication is key. Hang in there honey ... and remember we are all here for you!:flower:

Scrwballsgrl

02-28-2008, 01:40 PM

After a bad fight once. Me and Brandon sat down and strategized on how we could have prevented a lot of hurtful things that were said that were soooo un-called for. We decided that when things get to that point where all we are doing is pointing fingers and bringing up past mistakes that one of us would call a "time-out". No questions asked. That means we stop talking and go into separate rooms for 10-15 minutes. Gather our thoughts and then come back and resolve the issue. Easy in theory ... but practice makes perfect

This is a good idea...we've all said things tht we later thought OMG! how could I have said something like that to someone I love! I thnk I might try to put this into practice and see how it goes....