I am so mad.

[CarlosHoney]

I'm frustrated. Typing with one hand, Carlo is in bed, sound asleep.. The baby doesn't want to go to sleep, so I'm up with him. Carlo went to one of those Indian Ceremonies last night, and the thing lasts like, the better part of 24 hours. So, he left last night, leaving me with Elias, BY MYSELF. I don't have a lisence, and he had the car anyway. So, I went to dinner with his Aunt and cousins (who don't know yet--he hasn't told them about the wedding) and started feeling like I was coming down with the flu. By the time I got home, I was running a temp of 101.1, and figured out that I have Mastitis. Not fun. So, I have a baby who wants to be awake and played with and talked to, and I really just want to go to sleep. I got to go to sleep around 2:30.

Carlo got home today around 2:00pm, so by this point, I haven't gotten any housework done. I feel like C-R-A-P. He doesn't offer to hold the baby, or anything. But, asks why the place is such a mess, and reminds me that the sink is full of dishes. Hello!! I have Mastitis. I explain fairly politely that I haven't been able to do much since I'm sick (I feel like I've got the flu, minus the throwing up, and my boobie really hurts), but would be happy to clean the house if he could hold the baby. So, He hold him for about 15 minutes while I do the dishes and fix him something to eat. By time I was almost done, he was standing in the kitchen watching me, ready to hand off the baby. Later on, I asked him to take care of the baby for about 20 minutes, so that I could finish the housework. He messed with his Indian rattles for an hour and I still haven't got to get the house picked up.

He hasn't changed a diaper in the last week or so, and when he does, it's when I ask him to. I just feel so used right now. The baby is in my arms as I type, and I just want to cry. I can't do it all by myself. I don't want to marry someone who isn't going to help me.

An hour and a half ago I went into the bedroom, woke up Carlo, and told him that he needed to hold the baby for a little while. Elias isn't crying, he's just a little fussy because he's tired. I rock him to sleep, he wakes back up. We start over again. If I just put him down, he will eventually start crying, so there's no point. It's not the baby's fault, though.

I don't make Carlo do much around the house or with the baby during the week, since I'm not working and he is, but on his days off he doesn't do ANYTHING!!!!!!! He doesnt't cook or clean. He even asks me to pour him a glass of water for him. I'm tired, and I need a rest. I can't take it. He gets days off from work, and I don't. I am doing this all the time. I'm really mad.

We are going to have a serious talk. If things don't change immidiately, the wedding is off. I'm not going to be his mother. I'm not going to fight uphill battles with him for the rest of my life.

[CindySue]

I am sooooo sorry you are going through this.......I did too.
Let me ask you something......up until recently have you been "super-mommy"? I mean doing EVERYTHING for the baby, not asking for much help? Thats what I did, I was going to do it all, and I did too. THEN i crashed off the new mommy rush I was on. My ex didnt want to do ANYTHING, because when he tried before I wouldnt let him and now that I needed him too, it was like "kiss off". I didnt realize it till later though.
ANd with you breastfeeding, your hormaones are still going crazy and that DEFINITELY doesnt help. Are you this stressed because you dont feel good? Is there someone you can call in to help till you do get to feeling better.
And Im probably gonna get beat with a chair for this one, but if the baby has gotten to where he doesnt slepp good at night, try letting him sleep on your chest. You can kick back in a recliner or in the bed. It may not be a habit you want to do but YOU will get more sleep. A grumpy mommy is NOT a happy mommy.

[bnd94]

Oh Carrie I am sorry to hear you are going through all this. You know you shouldn't feel like you have to do everything! Just because he is working all day, so are you, more than likely ALOT harder than Carlo! It sounds like you need some time off. You should go off and leave the baby with him for the day and then maybe he will understand how much work you do in a day! Oh and when you come home and notice the dishes in the sink still and the hose a mess be sure to point it out to him and MAKE him clean up. It's a two way street and he needs to learn that. Sounds like he is living on easy street! :bbmad:

Don't be mad at me for all I said above. It just really frustrates me when men think it is ok to behave like this.:censored: Dan used to be like this. We would both work and then I would come home and work some more picking up the house and making dinner and everything else. He would sit on the couch and watch TV. That doesn't happen anymore. We had THE talk and now he helps out and does just about as much around the house as I do.

I hope you can work things out. ;)

[LaceyinPgh]

Carrie I am sorry. I can't imagine how you feel. Just sit down with Carlo and talk about what you expect. It is his baby too and whether we works or not, it is still his responsibility to do half the work. Babies aren't a job, they are a full time committment. If he has time to do all that extra stuff like Indian ceremonies he has the time to run the sweeper, change the baby, and make his own **** snack. Just give him a flat out explination of what you expect of him when he gets home.

Also, he needs to teach you to drive and take you to get your liscense. You can't be stuck in the house all alone with a baby and no way to get from there to the doctors office or the store. What if Elias had been the one with fever that high last night instead of you? After you get that liscense you either need to keep the car and run Carlo to and from work or get a little one of your own.

[CarlosHoney]

Yeah, Cindy, he sleeps in bed with me. It's easier that way. Just that every night, around the time that I'm wiped out from being SUPER MOMMY (because I do everything, not that Carlo offers to help) Elias gets cranky and fussy, and wants to stay awake. So, I get this cycle of getting him to sleep and then him waking up, getting cranky, fussing a lot, me trying to nurse him, him refusing, and eventually getting him back to sleep.

I don't mind doing most of the housework since he's working outside the home. I just want a break from being the main babysitter. I want to be able to take a shower, read a book, do some wedding planning, clean the house, without the baby in my arms.

We had someone here (his mom or my mom) until Elias was 5 weeks old. It's only been a few weeks, you know.. Carlo just has to get used to helping out a little. If I could have a solid hour and a half to myself in the evenings when he gets home (Not even right after he gets off. Just after diner.) I think I could be alright. I don't mind taking care of the baby. I just shouldn't have to take care of the baby, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry...

The other thing that I'm frustrated about is that he's nott elling anyone about the wedding. He said that he told his mom, but she hasn't asked or mentioned anything to me. She usually would. He talked to his brother last night (supposed tob e his BM) who lives in Wisconsin, and he didn't tell him. He needs to know so that he can make arrangements to come down. It's only 4 months away!! He hasn't told his cousin, his friends. He has been doing some planning, and picked out his ring, but I just wish that he was there for me more. That's all.

Well, I'm going to talk to him right now. I'm not going to do this. He needs to help, too. After all, it sure wasn't immaculate conception. ;)

[bnd94]

I agree with Lacey. It is a good idea to have your license. You never know when an emergency will come up. :D

[Jenn060306]

Awww Carrie im sorry things arn't going well for you. I hope you're feeling better. I definatly think you need to have a talk with Carlo about him helping out more arround the house and with the Elias. It is not fair for you to be doing this on your own when Carlo is fully capable of helping you. There needs to be a balance in the relationship.
Perhaps giving Carlo specific tasks for each day. For example maybe it should be his job to do the dishes every night. There are really only dishes for 2 people being made. It won't take much more then 15 minutes out of the night.
It's tough when you feel as if you have to mother your FH. I've felt like that at times with Mark, i can not imagine how i would feel if there was a child in the picture as well. Mark and i have talked about this a number of times. Its tough because he works 12 hour days at the music stores and has an hour communte each way. He's agreed to take out the recycling and trash, and clean the bathroom on the weekends when he's home. Otherwise he does sit arround and watch TV and play video games all weekend.
I really hope everything works out for you. I really admire you for being able to do all this. It's not easy. Oh... and do you have one of those baby chairs that kinda bounce, but also vibrate? My sister in law has one and its the best thing since sliced bread! She puts Christopher in it and he's one happy camper which allows her some time to get some things done arround the house. Or just have some time to herself.

[CarlosHoney]

Yeah, Lacey, when the income tax return gets here we're getting a second car, and whoever has Elias will take the nice car. Probably me.

In that case I won't mind havng the baby, you know? ;)

[CarlosHoney]

Elias is still too small for a bouncer. The only thing that would be bouncing is his head.

I do have a swing, but Scrooge didn't want to get batteries when we were at the store. It was 2 for $5 for the D batteries that we needed, this was the night that he went to the ceremony. I told him that the swing keeps him calm so that I can do things around the house. We had a total of $40, $17 went to diapers. I figured that $5 would be okay to spend since I was going to be alone with the Baby all night. Carlo freaks about money, so for the three hours that Elias didn't want to go to sleep, guess who got to be the rocker?

If an emergency came up I would be able to call Danielle (Flower Girl's Mama) and she would help me out.

Thanks for listening. I'm going to talk to him right now.

[bnd94]

I would have grabbed the batteries and put them up on the counter with the diapers.

[CindySue]

Yeah....you need to be able to go somewhere in if you needed to (besides crazy that is ;) )
Ok....can you nap during the day with the baby? I had to do that for a few weeks with my youngest. He didnt want to sleep at night so I rearranged my sechudule and would nap just about everytime he did and then would do the things i needed to do with him in one of those carriers you wear. He was close to me but I wasnt "holding" him.
And FYI - he may be too little right now but he will do the cutest things during these after hour moments. You will also have some of your fondest memories from this time too, just wait.
Carlo does need to help more. Like you said if you just had an hour and a half with out him in your arms, you would be alright. Tell him that. Give him a sheet of paper with blocks of time on it and tell him that he needs to pick the hour and a half to play with his son that works best for him because you are taking a break. If he chooses the time, he shouldnt have too many problems.

[CindySue]

I would have grabbed the batteries and put them up on the counter with the diapers.

I agree........

[Valmai]

Poor you!!! Know how you feel hun, w ehave babies then we think that we cna carry on doing everything we did before and if we cant then we tend to think we are failing. Maybe Carlo thinks that your coping ok - mine used to - he just didnt see the mess i was in all day when he was in work. Its hard to say 'look i need help' but you have to try and do it, it may not seem like it now but a couple of months and babies gonna be so much easier xxxx

[StaceyMc]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of that. It's not fair that he's not taking his part of the responsibility. You are more patient than me, I would have told him to make his own damned snack and instead of reminding me that there were dishes in the sink, he could go ahead and wash them.

I had a talk with a guy friend of mine a year or so ago about this same thing. He'd think he was the big hero when he'd come home from work and play with his son for an hour. His wife would be ticked at him for slamming stuff around and waking the baby up when he got home and he couldn't understand why. Apparently, unless their told, guys just don't get it.

(((Hugs))) to ya

[CarlosHoney]

Everything is okay! :bbmrgreen: We talked, and agreed that I can't do it all. He wasn't doing it because he really didn't know! I wasn't telling him, and when he tried to do something and didn't get it right, instead of showing him how, I'd just do it. So we agreed that when I need help, or if I'm getting frustrated, I just need to tell him.

We're going to take turns--one does dishes, the other does the laundry. We will switch every day. We have been working on the wedding plans and agreed on the bands and the design. So far so good.

Thanks for listening. Really. I just have to learn to ask for help when I need it, instead of waiting until I'm ready to burst.

[CindySue]

Everything is okay! :bbmrgreen: We talked, and agreed that I can't do it all. He wasn't doing it because he really didn't know! I wasn't telling him, and when he tried to do something and didn't get it right, instead of showing him how, I'd just do it. So we agreed that when I need help, or if I'm getting frustrated, I just need to tell him.

We're going to take turns--one does dishes, the other does the laundry. We will switch every day. We have been working on the wedding plans and agreed on the bands and the design. So far so good.

Thanks for listening. Really. I just have to learn to ask for help when I need it, instead of waiting until I'm ready to burst.

Oh Gosh.....that sounds like me!!!! I did the same thing with my ex when my babies were little. And some guys dont really feal comfortable around babies so they wont make the first move.

I STILL wont ask for help until Im at the point of bursting. Im working on it, but it is a VERY VERY slow process. Ive had to do EVERYTHING on my own for so long that I dont see the help in front of me. Brian stays on me and that helps but he does have to stay on me about it. I try to be "super mom" and im not.

[martysgurl]

I wish you all the luck dealing with what you have. I have no great words of wisdom. I just know that I would never ever put up with that. I have friends who there DH's don't do a thing and I tell them that i'm so spoiled because mine is very helpful and will do anything. I hope you guys can work things out. He better get on the ball. Four months isn't very far away. I can't believ ehow fast things are going already for me !

[rainbowtreat]

I am glad to hear it is all working out. As for the bouncy seat..... mykids were in them from day one just about. I had one of those head things that you use in the car seat while they are real little to keep their head from flopping around. I didnt have to turn the seat on ( the one I had vibrated ), just the fact that I had some place to put the baby even for a few mins. My daughter loved hers. She slept in it during the day when she was real young. My son on the other hand loved his swing. His naps were in that thing all the time. Try one of those seats out, you will be amazed how much he will like it. You can put him where ever you are so he can see you or just know your there. Good luck. and there are many of us here with kids so just ask if you have any questions. We would love to help you out.

[CarlosHoney]

Thanks girls! :bbmrgreen: Today has been really good. He's in the shower with the baby right now (He's never given Elias a bath before, and I didn't have to ask him!) and I'm enjoying some ice cream. Tomorrow he is going to watch the baby while me and one of my bridesmaids go work on some ceremics that we started when I was pregnant.

I'm just getting ready for my trip, and starting on my designs for my invitations and my favors. I got to eat at Schilo's tonight while I was downtown at the Doctor's office. I got a delicious cup of Broccoli Soup and a really tasty Veggie sandwitch. Oh, and they make this homemade root beer....

:drool: is all I have to say. Yum-eee!

Thanks again ladies. I just have to talk, or no one will know what's going on, ya know? Cindy, I'm glad I'm not the only one.

[WebLady]

This girl I knew a while back had a similar problem after her first baby ... they think it was postpartum depression. She and her DH were fighting the same way you described. She finally broke down and had a talk about it and they worked it out. My sister and her FH had a few similar fights when my niece was little.

From what I hear, postpartum depression is quite common but rarely recognized as that. Symptoms include: Tiredness, problems sleeping, stronger emotional reactions, excessive sleeping but still feeling exhausted,
changes in appetite, loss of sexual interest, crying spells without obvious cause, feelings of guilt, sadness and anger.

Hormone changes and other stresses in life event are common contributors to depression of any kind. I am sure your hormones are all flustered and I am sure Carlo didn't know what to do and probably didn't want to 'get in your way' so to speak.

I know us girls like to put out 'signals' and such and hope the men in our lives will just do stuff without having to ask, (I get that way sometimes) but men are weird creatures and sometimes they just don't 'get it' ... you have to tell them when you need something.

Carrie, I am glad to hear that you and Carlo talked. I wish you and your new family all the best! :hug:

[CarlosHoney]

Thanks Weblady. I am at risk for PPD since I already have been doagnised with Mild Depression. I'm sure that I have PPD at least a little. I'm seeng a Psychologist, so we're talking about the possibility.

Thanks for saying it, though. I had severe depression around the end of the pregnancy. I didn't post much. I didn't really do much of anything. I felt like ****. I didn't shower, only ate what I had to eat for the baby. I didn't want to eat for myself, nor did I feel hungry. I slept about 14 hours a day, and got nothing done around the house. Oh yeah, really bad.

From time to time I start thinking that Carlo has ESP. I just think that the clues I'm dropping are good enough, and don't relaise until it's too late that if I don't say it with words, he can't be expected to figure it out.

I've learned that most men are clueless, and the others are gay.

[WebLady]

Thanks Weblady. I am at risk for PPD since I already have been doagnised with Mild Depression. I'm sure that I have PPD at least a little. I'm seeng a Psychologist, so we're talking about the possibility.

Thanks for saying it, though. I had severe depression around the end of the pregnancy. I didn't post much. I didn't really do much of anything. I felt like ****. I didn't shower, only ate what I had to eat for the baby. I didn't want to eat for myself, nor did I feel hungry. I slept about 14 hours a day, and got nothing done around the house. Oh yeah, really bad.

Yeah that sounds alot like what I read about PPD. It often starts towards the end of the pregnancy and in some cases can last a year. If you are having feelings like this, you should talk to a Dr ... so I am glad you are.

... From time to time I start thinking that Carlo has ESP. I just think that the clues I'm dropping are good enough, and don't relaise until it's too late that if I don't say it with words, he can't be expected to figure it out.

Yeah, I think we all get that way from time to time ... we have to realize that 'grown up' love and relationships are not about 'games'. Yes, I think men should pay more attention to us and it would be nice if they just knew what we needed and we didn't have to ask :bbrolleyes: But, in many cases that may be a lost cause.

A big part of relationships is communication, talk to each other ... if you need something you shouldn't be afraid to tell someone. (don't feel bad, I still have to work on this too) I am sure there have been times when my DH would have liked me to do something but didn't say it and just thought I should have known but didn't. I think men are far worse at this kind of thing, just because for so many years it was the norm for women 'take care of' the man :bbrolleyes: When we love someone we should want to take care of each other. Will should want to do anything in our power to help and comfort them, but if we don't know there is a problem, how can we help?

I have seen it in person and on TV where many women try to be 'supper mommy' as I think Cindy said, and they over work themselves and then think no one cares to help them when all everyone else thinks is they just have it under control. There is also the old 'perfect housewife' thing (June Cleaver Syndrome) that makes some people think you are expected to be able to take care of the house and the kids and still look nice and be able to throw amazing dinner parties, and in some cases work a FT job too! All without any help from anyone ... WRONG! I don't have kids and sometimes I still have a hard time juggling all my responsibilities in life. There was an episode of Desperate Housewives that talked about this kind of thing. Even the seemingly 'perfect housewife' has her problems, she just hides them better than some.

I've learned that most men are clueless, and the others are gay.
LMAO, sadly you just might be right ... but in time they can learn, we just have to teach them ;)

Good luck dear :hug:

[Valmai]

Glad you're feeling a bit better there, Its horrible when you feel low when you have this lovely child and you can't enjoy time with him/her isnt it. I had depression after id had my second child and i just used to feel so frustrated and useless all the time and got fed of people telling me how lucky i was and that it would get easier when even making a cuppa used to seem like a huge chore to manage! take care xxx