What to do?

[bp25]

So Im getting married this summer. But I have a big problem. My fiance is a different religion than me. We decided to get married in his family church but without the use of his church leader (we would hire someone to marry us). My mother has since found this out and has stated that she isn't coming to the wedding. So I don't know what to do. I can find a more mutual church to please my mom but then Im afraid that my fiance will always remember that I chose my mom over him. This has changed my relationship with my mom to the extent that we barely speak anymore. I don't know what to do to make her more accepting of the church decision.

[Kfancii]

I'm sorry you are having trouble with your Mom. I know that is tough.

I'm a little surprised that his church will let you get married there without having his church leader marry you. Most of the churches in my area are pretty strict about the rules - one of my friends can't even get married in her current church because she is living with her FH and the church says they have to live apart for 6 months before the wedding. (She has now decided to do a destination wedding on the beach).

Sounds to me like you should sit down and talk to your FH to see just how tied to his church for the wedding he is. Maybe you could suggest getting married at an outdoor venue - a park, or maybe an outdoor chapel that would be more geared towards a non-denominational service since you two aren't the same religion anyway.

[Nikita706]

Sounds to me like you should sit down and talk to your FH to see just how tied to his church for the wedding he is. Maybe you could suggest getting married at an outdoor venue - a park, or maybe an outdoor chapel that would be more geared towards a non-denominational service since you two aren't the same religion anyway.

I agree with this 100%.

[Brian's Bride]

I agree, it can get really complicated when there are two different religions involved. Or, in my case, when I practice the religion and he's practically atheist... LOL. I would also suggest doing an outdoor ceremony at a park or pretty gazebo. Then your mom won't be so freaked about it being at "FH's" church.

[FFC]

I agree with above, I'd say try shooting for getting married in like a park, a winery, a resort, something non-denominational. Get a non-denominational clergy. That should keep both parties happy...

[Whitewater]

My FH, Tiernan, and I are also slightly different religions -- we both believe in God, but we go about things in a VERY different fashion from each other! Additionally, neither of us actually attend a church. I know from past experience that virtually all of the churches in my city won't let you get married there if you're not a part of their congregation, so this time around, we decided to not even deal with the whole 'which church' thing and instead, we picked a neutral location that's ideal for what *we* wanted.

We're getting married in a formal arboretum, with a fountain and flowers and so on. We will be incorporating God into the ceremony (in the vows, and the music and so on) but we will not be following too strictly to any particular religion.

I can totally sympathize with you about your Mom, though, because my Mom is a *devout* and *conservative* Christian, my father is a deeply conservative Catholic, and neither of them have figured out yet *why* we aren't getting married in a Church. When they do, I expect all kinds of unpleasantness. :( I'm sort of not talking about it, hoping that maybe they'll never think too hard about our decision!

We're also getting married by one of our dear friends, who just happens to be a Pagan . . . he's a minister, properly ordained and everything, but my parents are going to FREAK OUT when they hear about his religious affiliation. They may also refuse to attend the wedding, and that's ok with me. I cannot dictate to their conscience, and since they aren't paying for the wedding (as of now, they said they were going to give us a gift, but so far the gift has gone towards the housedownpayment instead!) well, they can be as offended as they want. The first time I got married they paid for literally everything and insisted on having the wedding that THEY wanted, rather than the wedding that WE wanted, so this time around I'm not letting them do that.

My relationship with my mother and father isn't the greatest and frankly, if they weren't there it would bother me, but only for a little while. I will have absolutely no problems with it if they refuse to come because we're getting married by a Pagan reverend. That's their choice, and I can't make them do anything that they are so strongly against, otherwise I'd be doing to them what they did to me in my first wedding, and that's not fair to anybody. Personally I'd be offended that my mother would choose her religion over her daughter, but i would also understand why.

Religion is such a personal issue, and it's so hard when people feel so strongly about it. In the OP's case, I would find a way to talk to the mom in question -- because this isn't the first time the different religion issue is going to crop up. Where will you go to observe Easter? Or Christmas? If and when there are children, how will you handle the baptism? I think the mom may need to learn to understand and accept that there are many ways to worship, and she needs to lighten up and realize that most Western Christian religions worship the same God, no matter which words or rituals they use to do it, and to chill out.

If she really can't accept a different church (Church?) then maybe it is best, like everybody is saying, to find totally neutral ground and have the ceremony there.

I hope it all works out!


Whitewater

[WebLady]

If you don't share the same faith then why would you get married in either church? I would look for a natural location and try to incorporate both of your beliefs.

:goodluck:

[RosieAngel]

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your Mom! I'm going through a similar thing right now... my Mom is one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and because I decided that I did not share her beliefs, she's not allowed to speak with me at all. So she's not coming to my wedding. I thought that it wouldn't bother me, but it really does.

Anyways, if your mother is open to it, trying to have a non-denominational wedding at a neat historic site or national park... I like the interfaith idea too, if she will attend. Test the waters and ask what kind of compromise, if any, she will allow!

[gennymac]

I simply cannot fathom a mother (aunt, sister, grandmother) who would not support a child's decision to marry where she wishes.

Maybe not agree with the decision, express any concerns, but once done, move on and be a part of the future.........

My daughter had planned to marry over the holidays (her fella is in the military and is stationed in Germany, soon to be deployed to Iraq) They thought that he was going to be on leave over Christmas, and they would go to the courthouse and have the ceremony there, but his leave was canceled at the last minute.

Now I was in no way thrilled with the idea of her marrying at the courthouse, and even less thrilled with the fact that they weren't going to tell anyone else until it was done.......but she came to me to tell me about it. Knowing I would not be at all impressed with the plan, but also knowing if that was what she had decided, I would support her and be in her corner all the way, once I had my voice on it.

There is nothing in this world that could cause me to damage that trust, that unwavering security she has that I will always support her. Besides, I don't want anyone else to have that special place in her heart. That's mine, I paid for it in 28 hours of labor to bring her into the world, and I won't give it up.

I don't get it - I just don't get it.

G

[exoduslaughin]

Gennymac, I love your post! I can't even comprehend a mother who would not come to her child's wedding because of the location or type of church/religion. Parent's may not always agree with a child's decisions, but they should always support them and be there for them.

My mom is so important to me, and I would assume that I am equally as important to her. I don't know of anything that could come between us. Sure she drives me crazy sometimes, but that's her job!

[4424]

i know the feeling!! my parents decided to come to my wedding the day before! seriously. my mom ran to nordstroms and bought a dress the day before my wedding. i did everything in terms of planning on my own. ironically, now, my parents and FH get along great. my mom calls him all the time to say hi, etc. strange i know but i'm happy now. at least they did make the right decision (even last minute) to come.

we did a nondenominational wedding on the beach and it was terrific!

i hope it works out for you!! everyone here will help you as well

[august8bride]

I don't have advice, but I do have a story to share. My parents of completely different religions and they got married in my fathers religion church. And because of this her parents did attend the wedding. And now when my mom talks about her wedding she gets teary eyed, because this is what she remembers most about her wedding day. I think that is so sad, when I look back on my wedding day I only want to think happy thoughts. So keep this story in mind when decided on where to get married.

[SenoritaFuego06]

I can't understand a mother not wanting to be at her daughter's wedding, no matter what the situation is. Although my wedding is of my religion although my FH is Catholic and my grandma (who is paying) gets the last say in everything. So if it's not to her liking I have to change it. So I can somewhat understand the struggles ladies. All I can say is fight for the things that REALLY matter to you and let the rest go because I spent an entire week not speaking to my grandma over some very trivial wedding details and for now on, I only disagree with her ideas when it's things that I REALLY want. So good luck ladies!


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