LaceyinPgh
02-09-2006, 05:35 PM
So here is my annual Grammy report that I send out to my friends. We all have an awards show that we watch and sum up for the rest. I though you girls might find it fun.
Last night was the 48th annual Grammy Awards held in Los Angeles. I tuned in because the show promised some great musical performances. I was pleasantly surprised to see that for once, that promise was delivered upon. Even if they lie to me, let's face it, every awards show has at LEAST one great crash and burn moment that is worth the three hours of hell to see. (That in the fact that I have Tivo so by watching the Grammys I didn't have to miss American Idol or Lost.) So, onto the show......
The show opened with Madonna (aka: Material Girl, serious "actress," Kabbalah enthusiast, Material Mom, Madge, Esther...whatever the hell you are calling yourself these days). Madonna, you are still hot! You were my first rock star that I wanted to be like. (All the way down to the lace gloves and crimped hair...oh the 80's) You are the queen of reinvention. You never are the same twice. That is why we love you. But, here is the problem, you have reinvented yourself so **** many times that apparently you are out of ideas. Farrah Fawcet wants her circa 1975 swimsuit/leotard creation and feathered hair back, Esther! Also, we are really tired of seeing you writhing on the stage with women and K-Fed wanna be back up dancers. How about saving some of the bump and grind for that cute British hubby of yours? Speaking of your Brit hubby, you know that by marrying someone British that means that you are still not actually British right? You are from Detroit (the city that the British, ironically didn't want, they let the French have it). So, when you are giving Farrah back her hair, maybe give back the fake British accent back that you stole too. Before I am done with you, I have one more thing to say, you are still hot. I would kill for those legs and arms, but you are my dad's age, how about we invest in some pants or even a short skirt?
Mariah Carey, you are totally the come back kid! You were huge in the 90's. I have your CD's from that time. (They are stored in my closet with all my Paula Abdul ones.) But, girl, you crashed and burned in the new millennium. It was a rough start for you. Don't give me that you were exhausted **** either, I can spot crazy when I see it. To make matters worse, you took it out on us with that little 2001 release, Glitter. But I have to say, you got your stuff together and came up with one hell of an album to go with that angelic voice of yours. You looked fabulous too. I am so glad your stylist finally pointed out that you can be a sexy diva without looking like a Nevada brothel worker. Thank you for not subjecting anymore innocent spandex creations to your booty. You were the pinnacle of grace, talent, and beauty last night. I'm glad a classy soulful Mariah is with us now.
Keith Urban....holy hell, country got HOT! Now the last time I bothered with country music I had Billy Ray Cyrus and Garth Brooks. Country has moved up in the world. (I'm still not listening to it but I sure as hell won't mind looking at it.) To top it off he shows up with my girl, Nicole Kidman. Nicole, I love you baby! (You went from crazy scientology midget to this hunk of Australian country lovin') Can we take up a collection for these two? I think if everyone chips in we can get them one of those Karma Sutra gift baskets from Redenvelope.com. I want to get these two up to the baby making. That kid would be fabulous: good looking, talented, poised, intelligent, and tall. (Take that Tom!)
U2, the surprise winners of the night. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU! I have always really liked you guys but in the last year or so I have fallen head over heels in love with you. I finally am at age where I can appreciate all aspects of your music from the driving jazz based lyrics, punkish guitar sounds, and deep intelligent lyrics. I am so happy you swept the awards. Jennie and I were pulling for you four 100%. By the way, when did Adam Clayton get sexy? He must be like wine where he gets better as he ages. Bono has always been sexy to the point that it makes me want to go and adopt African babies and save whales. The Edge has that cool guitar player sexiness working for him. But Adam Clayton really knocked me off of me feet. There was just something about him. Keep up the good work Adam. Side note to Bono, you have great hair, toss the cowboy hat. Also, hem the sleeves of your leather jacket. You are a little fellow and the long baggy sleeves make you look like a little kid.
Randy Jackson, Yo Dog! What up! Yep, after several slow motion play backs on Tivo, I was able to see that was America Idol judge Randy playing bass for Mariah Carey. I just thought we needed to get that out there.
Since we are talking Randy let's hit the other Idols in the show. Kelly Clarkson, you go girl! I loved you on Idol and I couldn't be happier for you. By the way your dress was fabulous. You have been left out of several best dressed lists but you are topping mine. Fantasia, why are you still here? I know you were only on the Sly and the family Stone tribute, but why? Did someone cancel at the last minute? Did Randy refuse to play bass for Mariah if you weren't allowed on stage? Why aren't you having another book ghost written? Please do us a favor take your baby, that crappy, "Baby Mama" song or whatever the hell it was and just go back to North Carolina. Your 15 minutes are up, the cut off music is playing and the teleprompter is flashing wrap it in reference to your "career." Don't make someone drag you off of the stage.
Tom Hanks. Why are here? You don't belong at the Grammys. The Oscars are in less than a month. Couldn't you wait? By the way, where did your hairline go? Is that it growing out of the back of your head? Receding hairlines don't make it ok to grow it longer in the back Tommy. Around here we have a word for that, mullet. Don't make me go there!
Teri Hatcher. Holy ****! My first reaction to that dress was, wedding favor. You know the little candy coated almonds wrapped in ribbon and tulle? That is what you looked like Teri, nasty candy that no one eats. To top it off your hair and makeup were way too much. Fire your stylist and hire whoever Kelly Clarkson uses. Save us this shock in the future.
Big Ben # 7 Rothleisberger. (Or however you spell it.) Maybe it is just the fact that I live in Pittsburgh and have you thrown at me 24/7 for the last 6 weeks. But, I'm tired of you. I'm tired of you and Jerome's #6 Notre Dame jersey. I'm thrilled that you guys won the Superbowl. I am happy that Jerome got his Superbowl ring in his hometown. I am just a walking ball of so freaking God **** thrilled about it all. But, I restate, I am tired of you. The Superbowl is over and I shouldn't have to look at you until like the end of July. Let's try that, ok?
Kayne West, are you a pirate? The last time I heard anything about you, you were still a self righteous, egotistical, *** ache. But apparently that image wasn't working for you so you switched it up. That is good, you have to reinvent yourself in this business. But, pirate is an odd choice. I guess it will work, people kind of like pirates. I mean I don't discriminate against kids dressed as pirates when they come trick or treating. I mean the high waisted black tight pants, low cut open next red shirt, black gloves all the equal pirate in my world. I just have one question, will you train Polly the Parrot to say, "George Bush hates black people?"
Jamie Foxx. Note to Mr. Foxx, you played a rock star in a movie. But that does not make you a rock star. Please, for the love of all things holy in this world, don't turn JLo on us. Don't go from actor to musician to tabloid fodder. I can't handle it a second time. The fact that both you and JLo got your start on the same show (In Living Color) really gets me worried. Was is something in the coffee pot that distorted your senses of reality to not be able to distinguish between who I am and who I play? Can we expect this pattern to be repeated with the Wayan Brothers?( This is in reference to JLo playing Selena then coming out with her own musical career). Someone stop this madness!
(continued below)
Last night was the 48th annual Grammy Awards held in Los Angeles. I tuned in because the show promised some great musical performances. I was pleasantly surprised to see that for once, that promise was delivered upon. Even if they lie to me, let's face it, every awards show has at LEAST one great crash and burn moment that is worth the three hours of hell to see. (That in the fact that I have Tivo so by watching the Grammys I didn't have to miss American Idol or Lost.) So, onto the show......
The show opened with Madonna (aka: Material Girl, serious "actress," Kabbalah enthusiast, Material Mom, Madge, Esther...whatever the hell you are calling yourself these days). Madonna, you are still hot! You were my first rock star that I wanted to be like. (All the way down to the lace gloves and crimped hair...oh the 80's) You are the queen of reinvention. You never are the same twice. That is why we love you. But, here is the problem, you have reinvented yourself so **** many times that apparently you are out of ideas. Farrah Fawcet wants her circa 1975 swimsuit/leotard creation and feathered hair back, Esther! Also, we are really tired of seeing you writhing on the stage with women and K-Fed wanna be back up dancers. How about saving some of the bump and grind for that cute British hubby of yours? Speaking of your Brit hubby, you know that by marrying someone British that means that you are still not actually British right? You are from Detroit (the city that the British, ironically didn't want, they let the French have it). So, when you are giving Farrah back her hair, maybe give back the fake British accent back that you stole too. Before I am done with you, I have one more thing to say, you are still hot. I would kill for those legs and arms, but you are my dad's age, how about we invest in some pants or even a short skirt?
Mariah Carey, you are totally the come back kid! You were huge in the 90's. I have your CD's from that time. (They are stored in my closet with all my Paula Abdul ones.) But, girl, you crashed and burned in the new millennium. It was a rough start for you. Don't give me that you were exhausted **** either, I can spot crazy when I see it. To make matters worse, you took it out on us with that little 2001 release, Glitter. But I have to say, you got your stuff together and came up with one hell of an album to go with that angelic voice of yours. You looked fabulous too. I am so glad your stylist finally pointed out that you can be a sexy diva without looking like a Nevada brothel worker. Thank you for not subjecting anymore innocent spandex creations to your booty. You were the pinnacle of grace, talent, and beauty last night. I'm glad a classy soulful Mariah is with us now.
Keith Urban....holy hell, country got HOT! Now the last time I bothered with country music I had Billy Ray Cyrus and Garth Brooks. Country has moved up in the world. (I'm still not listening to it but I sure as hell won't mind looking at it.) To top it off he shows up with my girl, Nicole Kidman. Nicole, I love you baby! (You went from crazy scientology midget to this hunk of Australian country lovin') Can we take up a collection for these two? I think if everyone chips in we can get them one of those Karma Sutra gift baskets from Redenvelope.com. I want to get these two up to the baby making. That kid would be fabulous: good looking, talented, poised, intelligent, and tall. (Take that Tom!)
U2, the surprise winners of the night. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU! I have always really liked you guys but in the last year or so I have fallen head over heels in love with you. I finally am at age where I can appreciate all aspects of your music from the driving jazz based lyrics, punkish guitar sounds, and deep intelligent lyrics. I am so happy you swept the awards. Jennie and I were pulling for you four 100%. By the way, when did Adam Clayton get sexy? He must be like wine where he gets better as he ages. Bono has always been sexy to the point that it makes me want to go and adopt African babies and save whales. The Edge has that cool guitar player sexiness working for him. But Adam Clayton really knocked me off of me feet. There was just something about him. Keep up the good work Adam. Side note to Bono, you have great hair, toss the cowboy hat. Also, hem the sleeves of your leather jacket. You are a little fellow and the long baggy sleeves make you look like a little kid.
Randy Jackson, Yo Dog! What up! Yep, after several slow motion play backs on Tivo, I was able to see that was America Idol judge Randy playing bass for Mariah Carey. I just thought we needed to get that out there.
Since we are talking Randy let's hit the other Idols in the show. Kelly Clarkson, you go girl! I loved you on Idol and I couldn't be happier for you. By the way your dress was fabulous. You have been left out of several best dressed lists but you are topping mine. Fantasia, why are you still here? I know you were only on the Sly and the family Stone tribute, but why? Did someone cancel at the last minute? Did Randy refuse to play bass for Mariah if you weren't allowed on stage? Why aren't you having another book ghost written? Please do us a favor take your baby, that crappy, "Baby Mama" song or whatever the hell it was and just go back to North Carolina. Your 15 minutes are up, the cut off music is playing and the teleprompter is flashing wrap it in reference to your "career." Don't make someone drag you off of the stage.
Tom Hanks. Why are here? You don't belong at the Grammys. The Oscars are in less than a month. Couldn't you wait? By the way, where did your hairline go? Is that it growing out of the back of your head? Receding hairlines don't make it ok to grow it longer in the back Tommy. Around here we have a word for that, mullet. Don't make me go there!
Teri Hatcher. Holy ****! My first reaction to that dress was, wedding favor. You know the little candy coated almonds wrapped in ribbon and tulle? That is what you looked like Teri, nasty candy that no one eats. To top it off your hair and makeup were way too much. Fire your stylist and hire whoever Kelly Clarkson uses. Save us this shock in the future.
Big Ben # 7 Rothleisberger. (Or however you spell it.) Maybe it is just the fact that I live in Pittsburgh and have you thrown at me 24/7 for the last 6 weeks. But, I'm tired of you. I'm tired of you and Jerome's #6 Notre Dame jersey. I'm thrilled that you guys won the Superbowl. I am happy that Jerome got his Superbowl ring in his hometown. I am just a walking ball of so freaking God **** thrilled about it all. But, I restate, I am tired of you. The Superbowl is over and I shouldn't have to look at you until like the end of July. Let's try that, ok?
Kayne West, are you a pirate? The last time I heard anything about you, you were still a self righteous, egotistical, *** ache. But apparently that image wasn't working for you so you switched it up. That is good, you have to reinvent yourself in this business. But, pirate is an odd choice. I guess it will work, people kind of like pirates. I mean I don't discriminate against kids dressed as pirates when they come trick or treating. I mean the high waisted black tight pants, low cut open next red shirt, black gloves all the equal pirate in my world. I just have one question, will you train Polly the Parrot to say, "George Bush hates black people?"
Jamie Foxx. Note to Mr. Foxx, you played a rock star in a movie. But that does not make you a rock star. Please, for the love of all things holy in this world, don't turn JLo on us. Don't go from actor to musician to tabloid fodder. I can't handle it a second time. The fact that both you and JLo got your start on the same show (In Living Color) really gets me worried. Was is something in the coffee pot that distorted your senses of reality to not be able to distinguish between who I am and who I play? Can we expect this pattern to be repeated with the Wayan Brothers?( This is in reference to JLo playing Selena then coming out with her own musical career). Someone stop this madness!
(continued below)