how to approach family

[crazycatlady]

we're kind of at a loss on how to politely ask our family how much money they will be contributing, if any at all. I don't want to assume were paying for the whole thing when they are planning on giving us something. But I hate sounding like I expect something from them y'know? Plus, to top it off, my mom is hoping we would wait like 3 years to get married because Im only 20. So Im afraid if I go to her and say "well were only waiting a year and a half" she wont want to help because im "too young". any suggestions?

[WebLady]

hmmm ... well, I would just bring up the wedding and mention some of your plans and what you think it will cost and see if they will offer or mention contributing.

"So me and Bob are thinking of getting married in 18 mos. We want to do it at so and so place and want to keep it simple. We are going to try to save money between now and then." -- I don't know, something like that. Then maybe they will say something like "we were planning on giving you X amount to help"

This can be a toughy, it is not like you can come out and ask.

If casually bringing up wedding plans doesn't get them to offer money then you might as well plan to pay for it all then if anyone gives you money later it will just be a plus.

:goodluck:

[Whitewater]

I'm in the same situation -- my mother and father told me that since they paid for dang near the whole thing last time, they weren't planning on paying for much of anything this time around, but that they'd be happy to give us a "substantial gift" of cash which they "fully intend [us] to use to pay for [our] wedding'.

Unfortunately that was last fall and my parents haven't said anything since! And I don't know how to bring it up and talk about it with them!

Complicating matters is that we're taking advantage of the housing market here, which has finally bottomed out, to buy a nice home that we can afford. And I know that my folks are going to want to help with THAT too! But it's complicated, because while I know they have the money, I don't know which I want help with more . . . and I don't want them to feel guilty if they decide they can only help with one or the other . . .and I don't want them to think that WE are trying to take advantage of their generosity by *expecting* them to help with a house and the wedding! We would never do that, but my folks are wierd, my mother especially, and that last would be the FIRST thing she'd think.

Sometimes I wish life would be so much easier if we all had a million dollar bank account, and whenver it got below $500,000 it would just magically refill itself to a million dollars again. It would certainly solve everybody's money issues!

Whitewater

[s_r_d3]

I knew from day one my parents wouldnt really be able to help me pay for the wedding. I have 3 brothers that still live at home because they are underage. So What I did was I told both families that fh and I were paying for everything. If you want to help thats great if you can't I fully understand.

I tried pulling the whole well daddy you didnt pay for my first wedding (which they didnt) and all I got out of him was "We are NOT talking about that wedding!" lol. I know that my parents want to help and if they can they will and if not just having them here will be great. Im planning other ways for them to help like with cooking the food and whatnot.

[crazycatlady]

thanks. we talked to her about it and told her we werent waiting as long as she wants us to. she said for my sisters wedding she bought my sisters dress and all the accessories, shoes etc... and she also helped her with invitations and favors at the reception. so i dont know if that was a clue like "well this is what i did for your sister, so ill do the same for you" type of thing. his parents paid for his brother's entire reception. so... if tradition continues we could possibly have a lot of the cost done with them. they havent come right out and said "were going to pay for this..." but theyre kind of hinting at it.

[gennymac]

Here is an idea - just MHO, but might help you get the discussions handled and the stress out of the way. At least you'll know what you can count on and no one's feelings will be hurt.

Sit down with your future husband and make a list of everything you will need for the wedding. I mean everything, from shoes to bridesmaids and groomsmen gifts. Decide if your bridesmaids will pay for their outfits or not. Get an idea of the venue, etc. You know the routine.

Now put some estimated $ values beside each one of those - test it out by checking online to see if the costs are realistic.

So you have your budget done, now go sit down and talk to each of the families. Tell them out right, this is what we are starting with, and we'd like your opinion. Now, be forewarned, if you ask you will get them, whether you like them or not, but it will at least give everyone an idea of where you are with your budget and what they plan to contribute. If they don't, then you know and no harm done.

Good luck !

Gennymac

[gee1]

The best thing I can tell you is do not count on you parents to contrubite. Times have changed and today most brides and grooms do everything them selves. Im sure your parents will contrubite in one way or another, but let them bring it up. In the mean time you and your fiance go ahead with your plans, you are young and have time. Each month put a little but away so when you are married you will have enough for your dream wedding. and when the time comes , what ever both parents decied to give, well that can be put towards yoru expenses.......good luck :)