What Do Yall Think About Living Together Before Marriage??????

[roxan]

:)Hey there all!!!! My name is roxan, i am from a little old famous town and I am in a predicament!!!!

I have been engaged since september 21st of 2005!!!! And in january i moved in to an apartment with my guy!!!!! We still have no date for the wedding and really have stopped talking about it!!!!

Is that a bad thing???? If so do you all have any suggestions to get back on the wedding path for me????

Sincerely<<
:bblol: Roxan

[Shawna Bride]

Hi!
First of all, what's the famous town??
My FH and I have been dating for 7 years, living together for 2 years and we're getting married in 2 months. I see nothing wrong with living together first. Actually I completely recommend it to be honest. The day after my wedding there will be no suprises when we go to our home together. We know how to live together and how to spend our lives together. 2 years ago when we decided to buy a house together, we said either we get married right away or we buy the house, and we though the house sounded like a better idea- both financially and emotionally. It was the best decision we ever made. Everyone's different, some people are more traditional and some are more liberal. I understand some's views that it takes away the romance of the after wedding homecoming- but I am very pleased with our path.

[CindySue]

Brian proposed to me "unofficially" in August 2005, and officially in October 2005. I moved in with him in September. We bought a house in November, but didnt get to move in until the weekend before Christmas. Personally, I would like to know if I can deal with him day in and day out before we make it permanent. Weve also been married before and we are in our 30's so we dont have to deal with a lot of issues from others about it.
About the stalled wedding plans, have you asked him about it? If you dont have a ring yet, he may be waiting to make it "official" before discussing it farther. You really wont know unless you ask.

[roxan]

thank you very much everybody!!!!!

I'm from gettysburg, pa and my family is pretty much against the whole thing but i am doing ti anyway!!!!!!


Thank you for all the quick feedback is there anything that you all could say to help me feel i am on the right path to marriage!!!!

WERE all of you planning your wedding at the time you were living together????

cause we have not talked about the wedding since we moved in!!! He seems to be happy just as we are not persuing the wedding thing!!!! What do i do????

Sincerly,
Roxan

[roxan]

cindy we are offically engaged but no wedding plans have been discussed!!!!

[tha_mrs]

my fh and i have decided to not live together,but it if mutual.

[roxan]

tha mrs. can i ask why????

[tha_mrs]

we decided that we were going to leave that for when we are married. we spend nights with eachother,but we don't live together.I even cook him dinner,he somes over and eat and spend time w/ my son and I.We have a feeling that if you do everything now what are you going to have left to do wants you are married

[roxan]

i really respect that!!!! thank you for sharing that is how i always thought until there were circumstances that he had to move in with my mother and me and then i couldn't live without him!!!!

[tha_mrs]

once you get use to him being there its hard to let that go.I was on vacation for about two weeks and I stayed with my FH and at the end of the 2nd weeek I cried because I didn't want to leave.The lying down to bed at night and waking up in the morning to him and with him did something drastic inside of me.It was something I wanted all of time.and now one day we will wed,and i get the rest of my life to see him to bed and up in the morning.the thing is it is good right now,but when you become tha mrs. it will be soo... much more than you could ever imagine.and for me i chose to hold out for that

[LaceyinPgh]

Sean and I have lived together for almost 5 years. I can't imagine it any other way. We got engaged last Februaury and are getting married this May. We never talked about getting married but we both just assumed that it would happen when the time was right. Just enjoy the time with you fiance. You don't have to be constantly worrying about a wedding. Kick back, relax, and enjoy yourself.

[Hayz]

We had been living together for just over a year before we got engaged in March 04. We didn't set a date straight away because we going to be moving to a different city at the end of 2004 and there didn't seem much point trying to organise a wedding before the move. So we didn't set a date until we were settled in our new place in Jan/Feb 2005. And even then we had a date in mind but we weren't absolutely set on that date in case the venue was already booked for that day, which it was, so we took the next Saturday.
Doing it this way worked for us but I do understand how you feel about setting a date. It makes the whole thing feel more real.

Have you guys ever talked about how long you would like your engagement to be. Some don't have a very big one with only a few months, mine will be 2 years (and one week) and other engagements can be a lot longer. This might be a good question to start off with. Maybe your man doesn't know how to approach the wedding subject either.

Just remember depending on what kind of wedding you guys want ie where you want to have it, it will probably need to be booked well ahead of time. Unless you have a particular date in mind that you would like to get married on (you might still have to be flexible with it), once you have decided on a venue it might be an idea to talk to them and see when they are available and set your date around that.

I hope this helps. Take the leap and bring up the subject with you man otherwise it'll just bug you and drive you mad.

[roxan]

awesome you go girl you are stronger then I!!!

[CindySue]

i really respect that!!!! thank you for sharing that is how i always thought until there were circumstances that he had to move in with my mother and me and then i couldn't live without him!!!!

Thats kinda how it happened with me and Brian. I would spend the night at his house and go home the next day. That evening he would call me and i would end up back over at his house. It was a 45 minute trip one way, so we just decided i would move to his town and save wear and tear on my vehicle.

[bnd94]

Dan and I have been together for almost 12 years and have been living together for at least 10. We got engaged back in 1997. We never set a date and really weren't in any hurry to. To me we are already married. We just want to make it official now. I couldn't imagine not living with Danny for all this time. We have been pretty much inseparable since we started dating.

[WhiskeyGirl]

My DH and I were living together a couple of months before we got engaged! My granny was P.O.ed that I would live in "sin" (in her words not mine!) but I told everyone to butt out! It is after all my life!! Do what you want and not what others want otherwise you will go through life having everyone else make your decisions for you and whats the fun in that???????? Besides, I think its better to live together first, then you know exactly what you are getting into!! Other wise you could end up like my SIL's little brother....divorced before their first anniversary because they couldn't stand to live together after getting married! (They could have saved some money if her parents weren't controlling her and telling her she couldn't live with him before they were married! And her's wasn't a cheap wedding!!!!!!)

[Jenn060306]

I've been with my FH for 6 1/2 years now. We lived together for 9 months before we got engaged in Nov 04. We're getting married in June 06.
I think living together before you get married is key. You definatly need to get to know how eachother live.

You don't need to rush into a wedding once you are engaged. But you definatly need to talk to your fiance and figure out where you are in ideas for your future wedding. Having a long engagement is nice. Allows lots of time for planning.

Good luck!

[rainbowtreat]

I am with every one else on this. I think you should live with some one before you marry them. I want to know how he lives and if he can deal with the way I live. Nicholas was in WV and I was in NH. When he moved here it made no sense for him to get his own place. For one it would be foolish for us to spend money on 2 places. And 2, one would always be at the others place any way.

I got this apartment having in mind he would be here soon to live with me. He moved up here about a month of so after the kids and I moved in. We are now looking for a bigger apartment. We are not officaily engaged yet either but we are getting married June 10, 2006. By the time we are married we would have been living together for a year and 3 months.

I work with a girl who is getting married on May 20 ( we have been helping each other alot, she is going with me tomorrow to the dress shop ) and her and her FH wont be livign together untill they are married. They dont even stay the night with each other. They wont be having sex either untill the big day. Not that she has never had sex before but they choice not to. We all pick on her about her FH not wanting to hang out long at the reception. He will be wanting to get the honey moon started. She says he aint the only one.

So every one is different and I am sure it will work no matter how you do it.

[WebLady]

I am all for living together before you are married! (only skimmed the thread so please forgive me if I repeat anyone else's comments)

Even though this may not be the 'right' thing to do by some people's beliefs, it is quite common ... at least here where I live.

I think that this is the only way to really know someone. Know how they are everyday, 24/7, on good days and bad days. What if you get married and realize you just can't live together?

Well, that is how I feel about it. I would do what you feel is right for you and your FH, it is YOUR lives (and your future) that will be affected the most. Personally, I don't care if my friends and family don't like what I do in my life.

I lived with my DH for over 5 yrs before we got married ;)

As for the wedding plans ... I like the idea of long engagements. But you should both have the same goals, so just talk to him about what your ideas are and make sure you are on the same page. Use the board here as an excuse to bring up the subject again :wink:

:goodluck:

[ikkin510]

My FH and I will not be living together before we are married. We spend all our time together except for nights. He will stay over every now and then, not very often though. It's just part of our beliefs that we don't. We know so many people expecially in our families that have done it this way and no one has had a problem. In my opinion, it's only small little things that we may find once we are married and it just something to work though. Of course, we aren't big on divorce either. Only for a select few reason. But, that's just how we were brought up and what we believe now.

[WebLady]

The way I see it, if you want to live together before you are married then that is cool ... if you don't then that is cool too. I just think everyone should be able to do what they think is best for them. And let others do the same.

It is just sad when you see people get into such drama over all this stuff. Most of the time it is the family that have a big problem with this kind of thing ... once I did a wedding where the couple moved in together (just a few months before the wedding) and then the grooms parents refused to attend the wedding because of it. I heard of another girl once, her dad was a minister and he was suppose to preform the ceremony ... she had lived on her own for a while and moved the FH in before they got married, when her father found out they were living together, he refused to marry them and refused to even be there. :o

I just think there are so many other things more important to worry with. I guess it would be a different argument if the couple were just dating and then decided to 'shack up'

Ok, sorry for rambling on ;)

[CindySue]

The way I see it, if you want to live together before you are married then that is cool ... if you don't then that is cool too. I just think everyone should be able to do what they think is best for them. And let others do the same.

It is just sad when you see people get into such drama over all this stuff. Most of the time it is the family that have a big problem with this kind of thing ... once I did a wedding where the couple moved in together (just a few months before the wedding) and then the grooms parents refused to attend the wedding because of it. I heard of another girl once, her dad was a minister and he was suppose to preform the ceremony ... she had lived on her own for a while and moved the FH in before they got married, when her father found out they were living together, he refused to marry them and refused to even be there. :o

I just think there are so many other things more important to worry with. I guess it would be a different argument if the couple were just dating and then decided to 'shack up'

Ok, sorry for rambling on ;)

I totally agree w/ you. It IS the couples choice as to whether or not to live together before marriage. I wasnt thinking about moving in with Brian until after we gt engaged. Having been married before I understand that some people are just entirely TOO hard to live with and I didnt want us to get married only to fin out I could live with him or he couldnt live with me. To be honest, living together has strengthened our relationship. We know everything there is to know about each other. There wont be any "surprises" after getting married. We do bicker and get on each others nerves occassionally, but we are sooo much alike its a given thats gonna happen. But we know that we love each other and no matter what we bicker about (its been over nothing) we STILL love each other. The way I see it we will may most of the basic BS out of the way BEFORE we get married.
We have had a few people make comments about it though. People wonder why we are waiting since we are already living like we are married and such. The one person that I was told was DEAD SET against someone living together before marriage hasnt said a bad word about it. Thats Brians grandmother. She has said she has NEVER seen Brian this happy and she is SOOO glad Im taking such good care of him. We dont really get a whole lot of flack about it but Im 32 and hes 38, so age may play into it a little.
ANyway, didnt mean to ramble, but the point is to do what makes YOU happy, not what everybody else wants you to do. If you want to live together great, if not thats great too.
Good Luck!

[LizabethDavis]

FH and I live together and I couldn't see it any other way. I respect those that choose not to live together before marriage though.

When we were having a Catholic wedding, the Father asked if we were living together and we said yes we were. He asked why. We said it was more convienent, saves on living in two separate places and as bad as it may sound, to know before we got married if we could stand living together. His response was that he understood the convience and saving $$, but the "testing the waters" explanation was something we should rethink. Marriage is for better or worse he said and that includes living conditions.

Apparently people who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate and that was where his concern was, but I am no longer worried as we are not having a Catholic wedding.

[CindySue]

FH and I live together and I couldn't see it any other way. I respect those that choose not to live together before marriage though.

When we were having a Catholic wedding, the Father asked if we were living together and we said yes we were. He asked why. We said it was more convienent, saves on living in two separate places and as bad as it may sound, to know before we got married if we could stand living together. His response was that he understood the convience and saving $$, but the "testing the waters" explanation was something we should rethink. Marriage is for better or worse he said and that includes living conditions.

Apparently people who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate and that was where his concern was, but I am no longer worried as we are not having a Catholic wedding.

I think it has to do with the whole coming into the marriage "pure" thing. I respect the virgin waiting for her wedding night, but I dont think Ive ever met one. ;)

[WhiskeyGirl]

I think it has to do with the whole coming into the marriage "pure" thing. I respect the virgin waiting for her wedding night, but I dont think Ive ever met one. ;)

I have one friend who tells me she is waiting for marriage but I mostly just think its because she's so friged when it comes to men. I hate to say it but I don't think its that she wants to save herself, its just that she has such a poor body image and what not that she thinks if he's going to marry me then he must want to have intercourse with me. (she's such a skinny girl and very pretty too...so I don't understand it but then, a lot of times its hard to understand the way another person thinks.)

[dee177]

Leighton and I were inseperable from the day we met so it wasn't long before we moved in together. My parents didn't ming coz they knew he was a fantastic person with great prospects and would really look after me ( not that i cant look after myself haha) But the church where we are getting married is an All Saints church but has a catholic Father And I had to tell a bit of a fib when we went to see him and told him I was still living with my parents. But in all I think that its the 21st century and although traditional values are fantastic I really dont see anything wrong with couples living to0gether before they are married

[CindySue]

Leighton and I were inseperable from the day we met so it wasn't long before we moved in together. My parents didn't ming coz they knew he was a fantastic person with great prospects and would really look after me ( not that i cant look after myself haha) But the church where we are getting married is an All Saints church but has a catholic Father And I had to tell a bit of a fib when we went to see him and told him I was still living with my parents. But in all I think that its the 21st century and although traditional values are fantastic I really dont see anything wrong with couples living to0gether before they are married

Well its definitely accepted more today than it was 10, 15, 20 years ago. Brian and I were pretty much the same way after we spent a weekend together. After sleeping 2 nights in each others arms, we couldnt sleep alone.

[WhiskeyGirl]

When me and Matt got together we were always staying at his place I'd spend the whole weekend there and then dread sunday when I'd have to go back to my place so I could be at work the next morning. Eventually we decided that there was no reason to be apart and for me to spend money on my place because we were always at his. (which was free rent anyhow, because his parents own the house.) So to save money and our sanity we decided to move in at about three months of dating and shortly before we got engaged! It was the best thing we could do. It was so hard when we couldn't sleep in the same bed....now I wish we could for just one night because he likes to hog the bed...lol...jk...To be honest, I love that he hogs the bed, it makes me feel like he just wants to be close! Lmao! And besides I can't even imagine spending a night away from him!!

[WebLady]

I don't know what else to say here that hasn't already been said ... I can't comment on Catholic views because I am not Catholic but I know people that are. I would like to see the study that showed the divorce rate higher among those that lived together before they were married ;)

I know one girl who is Catholic and was refused a ceremony at her family's Church because she lived with her FH :bbrolleyes: I know of another woman who followed all the Catholic 'rules' and then about a year she after they got married, her husband started getting abusive ... but because she didn't believe in divorce, she stayed with him and let him beat the cr@p out of her on a regular basis! I don't know what ever happened to her.

A friend of mine is planning a wedding now and she met with the minister at the church (not a Catholic church) they want to use the other day and he told them that they had to separate and remain abstinent and attend at least 4 pre-martical counseling sessions before he would marry them. It is funny because my friend already has one child and she is pregnant with and they are trying to make it all 'official' so why people are giving her so much slack is just beyond me :bbrolleyes:

Ok, I am going to stop with all that, I don't want to get into start some heated religious debate ;)

When we got married, all our minister asked us was if how long we had been together and if we had asked each other the 'Hard Questions' and told us that if we wanted pre-marital counseling it was available free of charge. We had discussed all that on our own so he was fine with that. But we had been going to his church for months before we asked him to do the ceremony.

Like I said before, we lived together for nearly 6 yrs before we were married ... we spent nearly every day together before we moved in together. Yes, we got a few comments here and there, but I wouldn't have done it any other way ... I think it has made our relationship stronger. But I have much respect those that make other choices.

Sorry for the rambled and slightly off topic post there.

Best wishes to you all!

[rainbowtreat]

When I married my first husband we lived together before hand. But when we went to see the minister about marrying us he asked waht the livign situation was. We had to meet with him a total of 6 hours if I remember correctly. and he had 3 different sets of questins and what not for differnt people. He had a session for people who have not lived together and never been marreid. He had a session for people who have been marreid before. And one for people who live together before marriage. And he is a mad of god and he understands this is the way it is these days.

We are usign a justice of the piece so it doenst matter what we do lol.

[WebLady]

Yeah, when I was married before, we went to the JOP ... the only thing he asked for was the money and the marriage licence ;) It wasn't very personal or romantic at all. But then neither was our marriage :bblol:

[CindySue]

Yeah, when I was married before, we went to the JOP ... the only thing he asked for was the money and the marriage licence ;) It wasn't very personal or romantic at all. But then neither was our marriage :bblol:

That sounds just like my 1st marriage too!!!!!!

[LaceyinPgh]

Someone said on here that their minister/priest told them they shouldn't test the waters because marriage is for better or for worse. That is load of puckey! To me, marriage is for better or for worse, so why wouldn't you want to test out the waters beforehand to make sure that when you do agree to better or worse you have the safety net of knowing that at least it isn't going to start out as "worse"? Don't get me wrong, anything can happen down the road but at least you know that chances of your partner of turning into a raving psycho or just being totally incompatable are going to be slightly less. You get out all those little bickering matches and first big fights that can escalate out of the way. Sean and I have lived together longer than any of my friends have stayed married. What makes us so freakin' special? The fact that we love each other, we are mature enough to handle problems, we don't feel that we have to compete with other people, we have stable jobs and lives, we are willing to work out issues taht we have instead of just stewing over them, and we are each other's best friend and confident. (Except when I need to complain and confide about him, that is that I have you girls for. ) That is what makes a marriage work. You have to be willing to put all of that into relationships. Living together beforehand has little to do with it.

I have a friend (who is also my florist for this wedding). He happens to be homosexual. He and his partner have been together for ages since he got out of the army. They aren't able to get married in this state and to them a piece of paper isn't that important. They have lived togehter all this time. If they go to Vermont and get married now does that mean that their relationship will fall apart? The same is true about my cousin. She and her partner have been together since I was a little girl. They have a son together. She moved all over the country to follow him for his job. They were married, got divorced a short time later and got back together again aftet that. They have to have been together for 15 years. Does that mean if they go to the courthouse and sign a piece of paper the **** is going to hit the fan in their lives?

Also, I have looked for this study to read about married couples having a higher divorce rate. I have found a couple by some non reputable biased groups. Here is the scientific low down on how that works. The divorce rate is super high in this country (48-51% depending on your source). This coorelates to our results now culture that we live in (if he can't be what I want him to be right now I am leaving kind of deal), the ease in obtaining a divorce ( you don't even need lawyers, you can go to Staples and buy the kit of paper work, fill it out, and take it to your courthouse, a quick hearning and it is over), the cheapenss in getting a divorce, the ability of women to better be able to support themselves and their children (girl power!), the laws requiring men to help in supporting their children, and the fact that we live in a take nothing from no one culture with that same mentality all lead to this. There are also a lot of couples living togheter before marriage. That number is growing more and more every day. It is seen as more permissable now than ever before. The fact that the divorce rate is high in coorelation to why the divorce rate is high AND the fact that more people are living togheter have little to do with each other. More people are living together before marriage so it would reason that the divorce rate would be high for people living together before marriage. Take into account too that those poeple who "don't believe" in divorce are the ones who also for religious, moral, or ethical reasons won't live together before marriage. However, that doesn't mean that they are not taking part in behaviors that are associated with live in couples: frequent contact, sexual activity, time alone, nights togheter, squabbles, ect.

I would really like to see this study done within proper social science parameters: test and control groups, representative samples, time limits, ect. Also, I would like to see it conducted by a non biased group.

(Just a side note, I don't ever want to go through a divorce but if Sean ever raises a hand to me, our children, decided to cheat, lie, or a host of other unsavory behaviors, his butt will be out that door so fast it won't be funny. Just because I don't want a divorce doesn't mean that I will live my life miserable or afraid.)

[WebLady]

That sounds just like my 1st marriage too!!!!!!

I hear ya, glad we have better men in our lives now :D

[CindySue]

Yup. Im very glad!!!!
Only Brian and I have different views of our past "mistakes". He sees his as a waste of time, (he put in all his energy for nothing, etc.) and I see mine as a learning experience, (everyone comes into my life for a reason, and its not always MY lesson to learn - maybe I taught them something). Its weird because our views on realtionsips, life in general, how to raise children is EXACTLY the same. The past is the only thing we see different.

[WebLady]

Yup. Im very glad!!!!
Only Brian and I have different views of our past "mistakes". He sees his as a waste of time, (he put in all his energy for nothing, etc.) and I see mine as a learning experience, (everyone comes into my life for a reason, and its not always MY lesson to learn - maybe I taught them something). Its weird because our views on realtionsips, life in general, how to raise children is EXACTLY the same. The past is the only thing we see different.

I agree ... I see the past as a lesson, the good, the bad and the ugly. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even though we may not see or understand what the reason or lesson is right away. (and we may never see it) Everything we do, every choice we make, affects our lives in so many ways that we don't always see. I try not to regret anything, because I cannot change it so why dwell on it? I just see my past experiences as a part of what has made me who and what I am today. And aside from minor things I would like to change, I am happy with that person. And if I had not been through the things I have been through, then who knows where or who I would be today.

Now, I cannot say that I don't have 'bad days' from time to time, but I don't let it control my life :D

Ok, I am gonna stop now. Sorry for getting off topic here.

[CindySue]

I agree ... I see the past as a lesson, the good, the bad and the ugly. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even though we may not see or understand what the reason or lesson is right away. (and we may never see it) Everything we do, every choice we make, affects our lives in so many ways that we don't always see. I try not to regret anything, because I cannot change it so why dwell on it? I just see my past experiences as a part of what has made me who and what I am today. And aside from minor things I would like to change, I am happy with that person. And if I had not been through the things I have been through, then who knows where or who I would be today.

Now, I cannot say that I don't have 'bad days' from time to time, but I don't let it control my life :D

Ok, I am gonna stop now. Sorry for getting off topic here.

Even though Brian sees his past as a "waste of time", hes the one that told me "our pasts are what made us who we are today, our pasts made made us the people we fell in love with." Isnt that sooooo sweet?

[WebLady]

Even though Brian sees his past as a "waste of time", hes the one that told me "our pasts are what made us who we are today, our pasts made made us the people we fell in love with." Isnt that sooooo sweet?
Yes, that is very sweet ... My DH has said that kind of thing many times, usually when I have those 'bad days' when I get upset over my past :wink: I Love Him SO much :wub: Man, I am having a super emotional day today ... I got some mad PMS and I just feel like crying ;)

[CindySue]

Yes, that is very sweet ... My DH has said that kind of thing many times, usually when I have those 'bad days' when I get upset over my past :wink: I Love Him SO much :wub: Man, I am having a super emotional day today ... I got some mad PMS and I just feel like crying ;)

Im PMSing too. Ive been on the verge of tears for the past couple of days myself. Brian is the greatest at knowing just how to make me feel better!

[NeilsGrl]

You have to test drive the car before you buy it right? That is the way that I look at living together before marriage. I think most people that don't could be in for a rude awakening (not all but most)...Being together on the weekends, seeing eachother a couple times a week, is totally different than being together 24-7 under the same roof and sharing everyday idiosyncrises that we can hide when we are not living together.

Just my opionion.