friend didn't send gift ... do I 'notify' them?

[austin_native]

Let me start by saying I was the BEST MAN at my best friend's wedding that took place in the middle of October 2007. One of our old friends who was a roommate of the groom, been friends with (kept in touch) for a dozen years, etc. has so far failed to send a gift. The following is background info.

Hershel (the non giver) lives in Houston TX, has a wife, and twins under the age of 2. Todd (the groom) currently lives in LA. Todd and his then girlfriend took vacation and flew back to TX for Hershel's wedding ... and gave a gift. Hershel and wife never even sent a 'thank you' card. What's really odd is that Hershel and wife are quite the social etiquette type of folk ... it's was out of character for them to not do it. Fluke? Maybe. Hershel's the type of guy who had his own tuxedo in high school because he attended so many social functions with the family etc.

So, Hershel (and wife) skipped the 'shower' thrown three hours away from him where he could've hung out with all of the old gang, etc. He then made some bogus excuse for not being able to make it out to LA for the wedding. And it's not for a lack of money. :)

He did email Todd and ask him "where are you registered." But, to this day six weeks later, he hasn't sent a gift. It's complete BS. So, my question is ... do I (as Best Man) send him a bump to take care of business? I could care less if I upset this guy as he's been a flip-flop jack-hole for the past few years. Of course, I could always send him an anonymous email about it.

Your thoughts?

[WBandMe]

You can't force someone to send a gift. Whether he's being a buttface or not, you're not going to look any better by demanding that he send something. You could always be a little more subtle... "So what did you get them? I got such and such." Maybe there's an explanation you don't know about. Or, maybe, he's just being jerky, in which case...well, tough cookies.

[WebLady]

You can't force someone to send a gift. Whether he's being a buttface or not, you're not going to look any better by demanding that he send something. You could always be a little more subtle... "So what did you get them? I got such and such." Maybe there's an explanation you don't know about. Or, maybe, he's just being jerky, in which case...well, tough cookies.
I agree ... For one, it is not "required" to give gifts; sure it is common, but not required.

Who knows what is up with this guy; maybe he felt like the flight and all he had to pay for to be "in" the wedding was gift enough, maybe he sent a gift and it got lost, maybe he has come on hard times, maybe he and the groom had a diagreement and he is mad. It is weird the he would ask about the registry and not get anything :nosey:

Whatever it is; it is not your place to be the 'gift police' ;) If you talk to him you might casually bring it up in conversation as mentioned above like "so what did you get them" kind of thing. Otherwise don't worry yourself :)

[Jacklynn]

Only about half of the people in our wedding gave us gifts. I guess the other's didn't want to, or thought that traveling the 2 hours and buying a dress or renting a tux was their gift. I really don't think too much about it. I mean we will be giving a gift to the couple that my husband is a groomsman in this December, because I think it is polite, but I am not angry at those who didn't give me gifts...

[austin_native]

Appreciate the replies. Just to clarify, the non-giver was not part of the wedding party. He and the groom are not on the 'outs.' Everything seems normal. He's also financially VERY secure; money is not an issue. He's been one of the close friends in a group of guys for 15 years. He's normally Mr. Etiquette himself. He'd certainly say something if one if his close friends didn't give him anything for his wedding. He's outspoken like that. :) As for a gift getting lost, he'd only buy off of the registry as that's his default MO. And the registry tracks who gave what ... and he didn't. Did he just get busy and forget? Possible. But, I've also created a special web site on which I've posted everyone's candid (and professional) photos. He's on the email with updates about the web site that I've sent out 3-4 times now. So surely it crosses his mind. Where we're from and/or in our circle of friends ... gifts are given ... always ... no excuses. If I 'bump/remind' him, it just might save a friendship in the end as the groom is thoroughly displeased. And it's not for the lack of a gift. It's based on principle. The non-giver should've attended the shower and/or the wedding. Missing both was disrespectful (in our group). And the 'no gift' is just insult to injury.

[WBandMe]

Wow. Well, I'm sorry to disagree, but I still maintain that you cannot MAKE someone gift a gift. Even if he is Mr. Etiquette and even if everyone in your group always gives a gift, it is still not required. I really would suggest that if you do broach the subject with him you use a little more tact than you're showing here.

Maybe he doesn't want to be in "your group" anymore. Sounds like a lot of pressure to me.

[WebLady]

I still say the gift is not required; I would be upset if one of my friends "reminded" me to get someone a gift. Maybe he didn't feel like getting a gift, maybe he has moved on with his life and doesn't care to be that big of a part of "the old gang"; who knows.

So maybe don't get him a gift at the next party of his you are invited to or take him off your christmas card list or whatever; sure it may be a little rude that he didn't give a gift, but really I wouldn't worry too much about. Especially since it was not you that was "wronged" here.

The wedding is about celebrating with family and friends, not about getting gifts; or at least it should be.

But hey, you know this guy better than we do so you do what you feel is right in the situation. However, as far as "etiquette" goes (as the post is in the etiguette forum) I don't think there is anything that says you as the best man (or anyone else) should be the gift police.

[SouthernQueenBride]

I agree! It is NEVER a manadtory thing to give a gift and it is really tacky for anyone to vocally EXPECT a gift.
You don't get married to get gifts from your friends and family. You get married b/c you have found "The One". The gift part is just a little extra that is nice. But it should never be expected ... or for that part demanded!

[Krimangel]

I Do Agree With The Ladies Here, That I Would Never Say Something To Someone About Any Of This.

But If This Is "normal" For Your Group And He (the Non Giver) Would Not Be Upset Or If You Dont Care About Upsetting Him And It Could Save The Frienship Then Why Not... My Thing Is Be Classy With It, Dont Attack Him Just Maybe In Passing Ask Him About It...my 2 Cents.

[bichonlvr]

Gifts are not mandatory, but that STINKS!!!

I have soo many friends that did not send a shower gift, but I was raised that you do...you just plain do!!!!

[clovely]

Wow. Well, I'm sorry to disagree, but I still maintain that you cannot MAKE someone gift a gift. Even if he is Mr. Etiquette and even if everyone in your group always gives a gift, it is still not required. I really would suggest that if you do broach the subject with him you use a little more tact than you're showing here.

Maybe he doesn't want to be in "your group" anymore. Sounds like a lot of pressure to me.

I agree. Maybe "Mr. Etiquette" knows that by all traditional standards of etiquette he has up to one year to send a gift anyway. Plus, I'd love to see someone drop twin babies in your lap; I think you'd change your tune (and priorities). His life's a little full right now; I'm thinking he doesn't have time for pettiness so please don't go all "gift police" on him.

[SerendipityCrafts]

I agree. Maybe "Mr. Etiquette" knows that by all traditional standards of etiquette he has up to one year to send a gift anyway. Plus, I'd love to see someone drop twin babies in your lap; I think you'd change your tune (and priorities). His life's a little full right now; I'm thinking he doesn't have time for pettiness so please don't go all "gift police" on him.

The OP posted about a month and a half ago & only posted twice. I doubt she will be back.

[WebLady]

As far as etiquette goes; since this thread is in the etiquette forum ... I don't believe there is anything that says one should be notified, reminded or questioned by anyone for failing to give a gift.

If anything it would be in bad taste to do so; just as much as it may have been for the person not to give a gift.