Unsure who to please financially

[Jess]

Okay, so very recently (as in today) my fiance and I decided that we'd like to do an intimate destination wedding for under $5000, rather than a huge lavish at home wedding for $15,000+. My parents were very supportive of this idea to save money. And I expected everyone else to be excited as well.

But then I talked to one of my BMs today, and told her my idea. And she seemed very upset, as she probably won't be able to afford the trip. I told her that we'd probably have a "Congratulations Party" afterwards, where anyone who isn't able to make it to the wedding is welcome to come. But she said that she really wants to be my BM, and while the ultimate decision is up to me, she really wants to be there for me.

Soo... would it be very impolite to cut everyone out of my wedding and have a very small wedding with very few people... or should I take everyone's feelings into consideration, and dish out the money for an at home wedding so that no one's feelings are hurt? I mean, I realize that it's not nice to put a financial burden on people to come to my wedding (when it's supposed to be the other way around).

Is it still rude if it's more about the fact that I want to have a more intimate wedding with my closest friends and family members? I mean, I'm definitely not expecting anyone besides my parents and my fiance's parents to go (the reason for the "Congratulations Party").

I mean, I can't lie and say a lot of this doesn't have to do with the fact that I'd rather have a nice wedding that costs less, and put more money towards buying a condo. Also, having a small wedding here just can't really be justified. If everyone lives nearby, why CAN'T they come?

I mean, I guess I am being selfish. And that is why I feel bad about this whole thing. I just don't know. I feel so torn. I really fell in love with having a Caribbean wedding. But now I feel like I can't justify it.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

(Thank you to anyone who read that... I realize I just wrote a novel and a half!!!)

[TangoWedding]

As hard as it may be for you to tell them, I personally say you go with your feelings and do the destination ceremony w/ a party afterwards. Tell your upset friend about the financial responsibilities if you have to...and if you feel comfortable with that. She should understand. Make sure to tell her that you'll have NO BMs at the destination thing so she doesn't feel replaced.

You can also have her do something for you at the congrats party...help you get ready (are you wearing your dress?), be in charge of something, etc. Sounds like she just wants to be a part of it....so let her do something at home.

My two cents. :frogg:

[WebLady]

It is not rude to want to save money on the wedding and have less people involved. If anything, I think it is rude of your friend (or anyone else) not to support your decision.

Sure a destination wedding would make it hard for alot of people to be there, but you can always have a reception/party when you get back and celebrate with your friends and family that way.

I wouldn't worry about making others happy, do what you and FH want and can afford and will make YOU happy!

All the best!

[Nekochanpurr]

I don't think you are being selfish for having a destination wedding!! I won't lie, i know how your friend feels. I would probably feel a little bitter and jealous, because you wouldn't get to enjoy your best friends day or go on a great trip. but in the end of the day, i think she'll truely be happy for you, because you'll be doing what you want to do. :)

[StarCoveter]

Ok, throw those selfish feelings away right now!!! :smile:

This is YOUR day, remember? I definitely understand about feeling like you have to please people who say they really want to be there. I am having a bit of the same issue.

Since I obviously don't have anything better to do, I went onto expedia.com and did some research. They don't let you look for hotels/flights so far in advance, but let's pretend your wedding is this upcoming Jan. 1st, just to get some ideas for cost for your BM (or anyone else) to travel to the Dominican to be at your wedding.

If she left Dec. 29, and came back Jan 3, leaving from Boston going to Punta Cana, she could stay at the Riu Naiboa All Inclusive resort for those nights PLUS her flight for $1742. It's a 3-star resort, which looks pretty nice to me. She has 2 years to save up. That's around $900/year, which may seem like a lot, but if she really wants this to be a vacation, she could put Xmas $$, birthday $$, etc towards this.

I don't know if that'd be doable for her, but there's the numbers, and you never know, expedia may not be the cheapest place to find flights or hotels, or they may have a sale sometime.

If she still can't afford that, she can stay less nights.

I think this is YOUR wedding. Anyone (especially someone worrying about money, like your BM) should be considerate of the fact that you want this destination wedding so you can SAVE money. Besides, you're having a huge get-together afterwards!

Good luck with the decision making!

[Danielle9608]

Ok, throw those selfish feelings away right now!!! :smile:

This is YOUR day, remember? I definitely understand about feeling like you have to please people who say they really want to be there. I am having a bit of the same issue.

Since I obviously don't have anything better to do, I went onto expedia.com and did some research. They don't let you look for hotels/flights so far in advance, but let's pretend your wedding is this upcoming Jan. 1st, just to get some ideas for cost for your BM (or anyone else) to travel to the Dominican to be at your wedding.

If she left Dec. 29, and came back Jan 3, leaving from Boston going to Punta Cana, she could stay at the Riu Naiboa All Inclusive resort for those nights PLUS her flight for $1742. It's a 3-star resort, which looks pretty nice to me. She has 2 years to save up. That's around $900/year, which may seem like a lot, but if she really wants this to be a vacation, she could put Xmas $$, birthday $$, etc towards this.

I don't know if that'd be doable for her, but there's the numbers, and you never know, expedia may not be the cheapest place to find flights or hotels, or they may have a sale sometime.

If she still can't afford that, she can stay less nights.

I think this is YOUR wedding. Anyone (especially someone worrying about money, like your BM) should be considerate of the fact that you want this destination wedding so you can SAVE money. Besides, you're having a huge get-together afterwards!

Good luck with the decision making!

You took the words right out of my mouth ... or typed the words out of my mouth ... not sure how that phrase works online :) .... I agree!!

[WBandMe]

You don't have to "justify" your wedding plans! "I want it and he wants it" is all the justification you need! It makes a lot of sense to want to have money to put toward a more long term purpose. If you have your party afterwards where people can celebrate with you, that shows that you're not deliberately trying to exclude people. Do want you want and enjoy it!

[Jess]

So I asked some of my friends what their feelings about a destination wedding were, and I got back some mixed replies. Anyway, if I were to do the DW, I'd probably do it the week after new years to save money for everyone (prices drop majorly when it's not school vacation time). Also, one of my friends had the idea of group airfare... do you think that's a possibility? I guess I'd have to call around to different airlines and find out. And I'm sure it'd be possible for 4 friends to share one hotel room (especially one with a pull-out couch, rather than 2 Queens).

Do you think that if I went out of the way to make these travel arrangements for my friend, that I wouldn't be as bad of a friend? It's like now that I thought of the Caribbean wedding, I got my heart set on it. And I feel kind of upset going back to the idea of having it at home. Maybe my feelings will change in a month lol.

But thank you for the advice, ladies. I really hope I'll be able to kick myself and tell myself to be a little selfish.

[RevMatty]

Jess,
I tell this to al my couples, and now I'm sharing this with you....

It's your day, your wedding, not their's. Do what your heart tells you to do. The only person you can truly please is yourself. You can't please the world.

[bichonlvr]

I hate to say it but this is the general reactions you are going to get from people....this is kinda what I was talking about when you first asked!!!

Everything you said I got!!!!

Trust me it stinks...but what can you do??? One of my BM and her sons were my RBers were coming coming coming, then she pulls this whole, oh it is going to cost us like 10,000-15,000 to go to Hawaii, I'm like WHAT??? Are you flying first class and staying at the Ritz in the penthouse???

People will give you excuses, get pissed, etc...but at the end of the night, it is your wedding, NO ONE elses!

You have to ask yourself are you going to miss those people not being there? Is this really what you want or are you just doing it to save $, what are you real thoughts???

DO WHAT YOU WANT??

You are NOT a bad friend at all, I didn't do any of that, nothing....I told them when they needed to be there, where the wedding was etc. They did the rest! People get a vacation out of it!

One thing we did do is we put on the website, that our gift was their presence at our wedding, just so people didn't think we expected them to pay for the whole trip, and give us a gift. Just another idea!!!

We were going to have a little reception when we got back here, but then it was going to cost so much I said forget it!!!! If the point is to cut cost, cut costs everywhere!!!


How much fun you are going to have will outweigh the other pissiness of people!

GOOD LUCK!!!

[Jess]

I'm sorry for this complaint that I am going to make, in advance! I feel very Bridezilla all of a sudden!

Sooo I went onto priceline, to research what hotels cost. And I came to the conclusion that I could probably find her and 3 other friends a hotel room for $230/ night for 3 nights to share (costing each person around $175), and then I'd probably be able to find some sort of group airfare (or find a day when prices go down) for $300 round trip. I shared all that with her, and she told me "That's still over $500!!!"

That made me extremely upset, because to me, $500 is very reasonable! That's the average of what I spend to see my boyfriend in San Diego! And it's not like I'm dishing in the thousands of dollars! I work something like 12-15 hours a week at practically minimum wage, while going to school full time, and having lots of expenses (such as $100 books!!!) and I'm able to save up that much money to see the one I love!

If being at my wedding means that much to her, why is she being such a meanie about it, and telling me to dish out the thousands just so that she can be present???? In all honesty, even if a friend's wedding was going to cost me $1000 to attend, I would find a way to go, if my friend meant that much to me!

:urgh: Is it wrong that I am feeling extremely offended now? She even refuses to acknowledge that it's MY wedding day!

[Danielle9608]

I'm sorry for this complaint that I am going to make, in advance! I feel very Bridezilla all of a sudden!

Sooo I went onto priceline, to research what hotels cost. And I came to the conclusion that I could probably find her and 3 other friends a hotel room for $230/ night for 3 nights to share (costing each person around $175), and then I'd probably be able to find some sort of group airfare (or find a day when prices go down) for $300 round trip. I shared all that with her, and she told me "That's still over $500!!!"

That made me extremely upset, because to me, $500 is very reasonable! That's the average of what I spend to see my boyfriend in San Diego! And it's not like I'm dishing in the thousands of dollars! I work something like 12-15 hours a week at practically minimum wage, while going to school full time, and having lots of expenses (such as $100 books!!!) and I'm able to save up that much money to see the one I love!

If being at my wedding means that much to her, why is she being such a meanie about it, and telling me to dish out the thousands just so that she can be present???? In all honesty, even if a friend's wedding was going to cost me $1000 to attend, I would find a way to go, if my friend meant that much to me!

:urgh: Is it wrong that I am feeling extremely offended now? She even refuses to acknowledge that it's MY wedding day!

I just went to a wedding a month ago in RI- mind you I live in MA. The hotel per night was 230 a night (yes it was a very nice hotel) I stayed two nights, because FH was in the wedding. So right there I have spent what she would and I was in RI not even some place tropical. I don't think that it too much. Especially given the amount of notice.

[WebLady]

Really I wouldn't go out of my way for anything. You have your wedding when and where YOU want. If you can find some deals on hotels and such then you can mention that to your friends, but if they can't make it then that is fine.

THEY are the ones being RUDE and BAD FRIENDS, not you. If my friend had a DW and I couldn't afford to go I would wish them well and tell them to come back with pictures. I would get them a nice gift I could afford and be done with it.

On the other hand, brides shouldn't be upset if people can't or don't want to make such a trip to be there for a DW.

Some will come, some will not; some will support you some will give you grief about it. But when it comes down to it you have to do what is right for you and FH and no one else. If these people care about you they will be there to congraulate you guys when you get back.

[EarlyBird]

jess, isnt your wedding 2009??? the truth is... if she is your bm and there are a bunch of friends going- suggest they all room together- you can get SUPER cheap flights and she should be able to understand that- if not then im sorry but its your wedding.. i say you can do something special to make her be a bm at the congrats party but i dont think your beng selfish-- if anyone is, she is cuz its YOUR DAY---- i mean i understand her disappointment but still----

[StarCoveter]

WHAT?!?! She can't save up $500 in 2 years? Come on... I think you were very respectful to take time (in your busy, busy schedule) to look up hotels and think about how they would room together to save them money...

Look, if I could go to the Caribbean for THREE NIGHTS and pay only $500, there's nothing that would keep me away!!!

Maybe there is something else going on in her life and maybe she is just misdirecting the frustration or anger. Keep talking to her about it, trying to work things out, and if she still chooses to keep that sentiment, well maybe there needs to be a little re-evaluation, you know what I mean?

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[EarlyBird]

im sorry, but here is my opinion in response to the part about her complaing about the 500.00- now yes, its alot of money!!! i get that- but two years!!!!
for my cousins wedding which was local i spent soooo much more then that -- 150 on the bridal shower (not including present, we each paid 150 towards it) 125 on the bach. (we pooled money and got limo and paid for drinks for the night for everyone- it was the way we found it fair) 50 towards the lingere party,150.00 x 2 FOR TWO NIGHTS AT THE HOTEL during the wedding (even though it was local we wanted to be with her that morning)--- not including my dress(200), makeup(60), alterations(110), hair (65) shoes(65), assecories(10) and nails(35). That was close to another 600+ -- THIS DOESNT INCLUDE MY FIANCES TUX WE RENTED, ETC ETC WOW- anyone else feel sick to your stomache right now---i sure do.
the point is you can count pennies-- i never realized i spent that till i just sat down and thought about it--- each time i needed to give my share i was told a month or two beforehand and i had to come up with it- esp. with 2 yrs she could figure a way to save.. gosh it irks me when friends treat you badly.

[bichonlvr]

I still feel your pain!!!

I went out of my way for some of my friends when they got married! I mean I was MOH and spent over a good 1000 of everything, she did not even come to my shower, no card, no gift..NOTHING....Same with 3 others... PEOPLE are lame, they get jealous, and some of us were raised differently then others! What we hold important others do not!

I would NOT go out of your way for anyone..plain your wedding give advice and you will see who the real true deep friends are!!!

There is a country song about this kinda of thing!!!! I guess a lot of people are using it for their wedding songs!

The only thing I would say about going to the DR is read the hotel reviews.... a lot of them say they are like 3-4 stars, but they are not!

How excited are you to be having a DW..it is SOOO fun! and you can't stress about anything it is all out of your hands YAHOO!!!!

[SerendipityCrafts]

Does she work? If she really really wants to be there then she has PLENTY of time to save her $$$$$. Come on .... if she saves just $25 a week from now until Jan 2010, she will have over $2000.00. Seems to me that if she can swing that then If you don't make any bridezilla demands on her to buy an expensive dress .... then she'll have a great vacation and get to be there for you too! If she can't .... well I wouldn't change my plans for her but that's just MHO.

DR is like Cuba ... their rating systems are different as compared to what we consider top notch. You might not want to stay at any place that is under 4.5 stars. Do some internet research and read lots and lots of reviews.

[Jess]

Thanks, ladies! You all definitely made me feel better. I thought I was being a huge bridezilla! But you all made me feel a lot better. I just talked to this particular BM's sister (another one of my BMs), and she told me that I was not being a bad friend, and that I should do what I want. Basically what all of you told me!

I also felt bad because another board told me that I was being a bad person for doing a DW because I was alleviating myself of financial demands by putting them on others :(. And I am not the type of person to normally do that. So that really hurt.

I'm glad to hear that my demands aren't that bad! I'm planning on getting a travel agent to help me out with all this booking stuff when it gets closer to my wedding. And I agree that more than 2 years to save $500 is plenty of time. I've saved it in 2 months before, working a part-time, practically minimum wage job, with college expenses.

And thank you for all the tips! I'll definitely check out the reviews on tripadvisor, before blocking out any hotel rooms!

[bichonlvr]

I also felt bad because another board told me that I was being a bad person for doing a DW because I was alleviating myself of financial demands by putting them on others :(. And I am not the type of person to normally do that. So that really hurt.


See stay away from another board!!! HEE HEE!!!! :whoohoo:

[SerendipityCrafts]

another board told me that I was being a bad person for doing a DW because I was alleviating myself of financial demands by putting them on others :(. And I am not the type of person to normally do that. So that really hurt.

Sounds like they don't mind blowing your money!

We thought about doing a DW because I my brothers and mother travel yearly as does Dh's brother and his parents as well. We knew that if we gave them enough notice, that they would be sure to be there and it wouldn't be a financial burden to them.

It was us that couldn't afford to pull it off because we would have to pay not only for ourselves but, for our 4 highschool and college age children too. I coudn't have imagined them NOT being there.

We also had to have our own minister marry us so if we went south .... LOL we figured we would have to pay for him and his wife too :)

[thetsakid]

What if you have a double ceremony..I've heard of people doing it before. You go to your destination with just a few people and get married come back and do a small ceremony for the people at home and have a big party to celebrate...just an idea

[Jess]

What if you have a double ceremony..I've heard of people doing it before. You go to your destination with just a few people and get married come back and do a small ceremony for the people at home and have a big party to celebrate...just an idea

That actually is probably what's going to happen. Because of all these legal issues where I'd have to arrive in the country where I'm going to be married 3 days before the wedding (feeling kind of odd about starting my honeymoon before getting married!!!), I'm thinking about just doing a civil ceremony in the US (where, of course, all my bridesmaids would be invited), and then doing like the spiritual ceremony in our destination.

[StarCoveter]

That way everyone would be happy, too.

[StJohnBride]

I say - please yourself. No matter what you do, you will not please everyone. You should be happy, and you should do what you want. Saving money is a huge plus for a destination wedding, IMO. Plus, it's such a gorgeous setting. I say go for it!!

I hate to see you have regrets because you let a friend "bully" you (ok, not the right word) into a local wedding if it doesn't make you giddy. GO GO GO

http://www.paradisepictures.vi/albums/DAmicaSwyter111107/large/DASwyter12.jpg

[gwennebe]

Seriously!! Just do it!! lol. I wish that we would have gone through with a DW now that we are six months into the planning, it's too late to back out and it's awful!! I'm so unhappy and no one cares. I feel resentful towards everyone because no one is really helping me plan this stupid thing. If I could do it all over again we'd have eloped and been married by now. We have put ourselves $10,000 in debt and still have about $5,000 to spend and we are doing things "cheaply". I regret the whole thing now.

Sorry to sound negative, I'm just being honest about what I'm going through.

[StarCoveter]

Seriously!! Just do it!! lol. I wish that we would have gone through with a DW now that we are six months into the planning, it's too late to back out and it's awful!! I'm so unhappy and no one cares. I feel resentful towards everyone because no one is really helping me plan this stupid thing. If I could do it all over again we'd have eloped and been married by now. We have put ourselves $10,000 in debt and still have about $5,000 to spend and we are doing things "cheaply". I regret the whole thing now.

Sorry to sound negative, I'm just being honest about what I'm going through.

So sorry to hear that you're not happy with the whole thing. :bbfrown: I hope that you are at least a little bit excited for the day... is there anything that you can change?

[gwennebe]

So sorry to hear that you're not happy with the whole thing. :bbfrown: I hope that you are at least a little bit excited for the day... is there anything that you can change?


Thanks. I'm very excited to get married I'm just really dissapointed as to how things are going. My mother lives 14 hours away and is recently split up with my dad so things have been tough cause all she seems to care about it her "new" life. None of my bridesmaids except two have offered to help and only one lives near me as well. The other's are all from out of state so it's been really really hard on me. My FH has finally seen the lift after a huge fight this morning. He agreed to help out more so we'll see what happens.

I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing but I really wish we would have eloped because at this point all of the stress has taken so much of joy out that I felt at the beginning.

[RevMatty]

I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing but I really wish we would have eloped because at this point all of the stress has taken so much of joy out that I felt at the beginning.
Stress of planning the big day is never easy, to many people forget it's your day, not theirs.
Take it one day at a time, one thing at a time, and remember it's all about you.
ANd when that day finally hits, it will be worth all the stress that lead up to it.

[Jacklynn]

Yes $500 would be a lot of money... if they had to dish it out in a month... two years is PLENTY of time. They have to save less than $5/week to come. Maybe just remind her of how much time she has.

[frenchie]

I understand that she feels like 500$ is a lot of money - because it IS - but she has 2 years to save it up.
She has no right to boss you around - it's your wedding. And it's not like she'd be paying all that to stay in a crummy hotel in a boring place - she's getting a dream vacation!