Frustrated with Mother

[BrideInCuffs21]

So, if you ladies don't remember I have a friend named "Joy" who was suppose to be my best friend and maid of honor, but once I started getting more serious with my FH she started becoming non-existant and ignoring my phone calls or returning them when she knew I was unavailable and would or wouldn't leave voicemails to make it look good in my opinion.

Well about 1 month ago I made my last attempt to call and ask her about being in my bridal party, a couple days later I had gotten a voicemail from her basically her saying that she is doing ok and that there is a surprise birthday party for her and her brother that week. Now may I remind you that I have made 4 count them 4 attempts to ask her to be in my wedding, but each time she has returned my message, the question was completely ignored, and never no mention of it.

So talking with my mother today, I made a comment about how I only order 6 gifts for the girls. My mom started in with the Joy subject, "well isn't she going to be in your wedding?" Ummm no mother she isn't I am done chasing a voicemail around.... Well to make a long story short... my mother say her brother one day and gave him her phone number to call her because she wants to try and straighten things out... yea right mom.. So I tell my mom to stop medaling in my life and just drop it....

Well my mom wants me to continue trying to get a hold of Joy for her sake because my mom is afraid that Joy;s father who owns the reception venue is going to raise the price if Joy isn't in the wedding... AAAuuuugghhhhh....

I don't know how to get it through my mother's head that I have been making non-stop attempts, but now am just fed up with it, and figure that if our friendship meant anything to Joy she would be making the attempt to call me... but NO!!! I don't know how else to get my mom to realize that she needs to but out... but the only reason she wants me to keep trying is because she doesn't want the price raised.... what the h*ll else can I do....

I honestly have stopped chasing Joy and haven't attempted calling her in over a month, apparently our friendship means nothing because she hasn't attempted with me... the only time she calls me is when I call her... I have other important fish to fry, WORK, PLANNING A WEDDING, SCHOOL!!! I AM DONE WITH THIS DRAMA!!!!:hothead:

[EarlyBird]

Im so sorry for this. but her dad owning the venue is tricky and you might want to tred light!!! One of the girls i wanted to be in my bp i had to chase to find and then finally when i did i had already given up and she got very offended..Its sticky situation but you made the right decision

[bichonlvr]

What a bummer....her dad owning the place STINKS!!!

Have any of your messages said...do you want to be in the wedding? Maybe her dad will be cool if at least SHE chooses not to be!

I hate all of this drama too!!!

Good luck!

[BrideInCuffs21]

Yes all four messages have said exactly this phrase... "Joy would you like to be a bridesmaid, I would like to have you." Each time, each time I call and leave voicemail....

I hear about her life through a friend of mine at work, who is a mutal friend of mine. I heard that her parents acutally broke down and laid into her about her behavior. She is way into alcohol and taking guys home. I guess one night Joy back mouthed to her dad and he just went off on her, to the point of telling her that she needs to grow up and he is going to cut her off....

Its just that I understand my mom wanting to get things straightened out for money sake, but how do you get someone to talk to you when all they want to do is leave voicemails??? I'm just so tired of chasing and getting nothing in response....:hothead:

[EarlyBird]

maybe your mom could drop it to her dad next time they talk like "unfortunatley, joy hasnt responded to being a bridesmaid yet and with time closing in, i just wanted you to hear it from us that she is no longer in the wedding, we will tell joy, but i didnt want you to be offended" coming from another parent, he will understand- if he just finds out right before, he might be upset.. parents can talk like that ya know :)

[val24]

maybe your mom could drop it to her dad next time they talk like "unfortunatley, joy hasnt responded to being a bridesmaid yet and with time closing in, i just wanted you to hear it from us that she is no longer in the wedding, we will tell joy, but i didnt want you to be offended" coming from another parent, he will understand- if he just finds out right before, he might be upset.. parents can talk like that ya know :)

that is actually a good idea

good luck on the situation and i hope things dont get worst once he finds out. but if he knows his daughter is "acting" up he might not take it out on you guys. I am sure he knows the situation

[NicksBride]

IF she calls you interrupt here and be like "JOY, DO YOU WANT TO BE MY BRIDESMAID" Don't let her keep talkinga bout herself and skating around the subject, just interrupt what she is saying and very loudly state what youw ant.. Good luck!

[firespirit]

maybe your mom could drop it to her dad next time they talk like "unfortunatley, joy hasnt responded to being a bridesmaid yet and with time closing in, i just wanted you to hear it from us that she is no longer in the wedding, we will tell joy, but i didnt want you to be offended" coming from another parent, he will understand- if he just finds out right before, he might be upset.. parents can talk like that ya know :)

I like this too, and if he knows she has been acting up, then maybe he will understand.

[bichonlvr]

maybe your mom could drop it to her dad next time they talk like "unfortunatley, joy hasnt responded to being a bridesmaid yet and with time closing in, i just wanted you to hear it from us that she is no longer in the wedding, we will tell joy, but i didnt want you to be offended" coming from another parent, he will understand- if he just finds out right before, he might be upset.. parents can talk like that ya know :)

Great idea!!!!

[BrideInCuffs21]

So I am just going to wait this out and one thing that will make me more angry is that if Joy does call my mother and says yes to being in the party I am going to flip!!!

I have come to the conclusion that I do not want her in the party. I don't feel comfortable having someone that has been absent for the past 3 years of my life and relationship with my FH to have them standing in the wedding. I believe people who stand for you are people that believe in your friendship with thema nd relationship with the one your marrying. And people who have been there for you throughout your relationship.. and SHE HASN'T!!!

But I am going to just let it mellow out and when the time comes for me to stand up more and tell my mother, Joy, or Joy's father, I am going to be ready for the battle!!!!

[twu]

That really sucks. How cheap are you getting the venue for? Because you could always try changing it if being entangled with this [ex]friend upsets you.


It seems like you are having a really tough time with stress, the wedding, your job, and school. I mentioned this to you before, but you should really SERIOUSLY consider getting a wedding planner to take care of it. I know they can be expensive, but you get a LOT of value for your money. Not only are you significantly less stressed during the year and on the days leading up to the wedding, but a wedding planner's vendor contacts can also help pay for themselves. And if you give them your budget they can help you stay within it.

Think about it. It could be a few thousand dollars, but you could easily save that much money by using their services.

[BrideInCuffs21]

Well so far so good... I just look at it this way, we signed a contract, if he raises it because of his daughter not being in the wedding, umm it's called breech of contract!!!! I know this past week, my mother and I went shopping for some supplies and we were in Micheal's craft store, and we started duking it out over the "Joy" issue....

I finally told her, that if she wants Joy in the wedding she can have her, but she is not going to be any party of my day, so my mom will have to find a place for her somewhere else. I already got the right number of gift baskets, flasks, and robes and none of the numbers included 6, 5, I am having 5 BMs... get over it.... So after we duked it out in the store, I think she came to realize that I am not going to budge... if this person cared about me in anyway as a 'friend' I would have heard from her by now...

My thought is that a BM should be someone that has been there for you, someone who brings u up when your down, is there for you and well as you being there for them... well... Joy has been nonexistant for the past 3 years of my life and relationship with my FH, so where is the friendship in that... it was like the minute I found someone she was gone... like she was using me for the time being...

I told me mom that if she ends up talking with her dad for some reason or about the venue and her dad has comments about his daughter not being in the party, she can give him my number and he can call me personally and I will explain how much his daughter has upset me and been nonexistant...

Any questions?.....

[Nekochanpurr]

Sounds good. i like that you are being honest, and that you will be honest with the dad if it comes to it. I think you are doing the right thing. :)

[septemberbride06]

BINGO! that is exactly what you need to do...if you signed a contract then he CAN'T raise the price just becasue his daughter isn't in the wedding..like u said It's breech of contract.
Also, I dunno how close oyu guys were for your mom (and possibly her dad) to be this upset over a BM not being in the wedding.
Your mom is just gonna have to understand that right now you two are at odds with each other and the issue being pushed will just make things harder...Prob. best to let things be for now (till after the wedding) and afterwards ask her WHY she avoided you...also, have you thought that maybe she declined or skated around because she can't afford a dress, or other personal issues that maybe she can't talk about?
I mean if you guys were as good of friends as it seems then maybe that's the case and she's avoiding you to avoid the embarasment :notsure:

*maybe invite her to lunch and be honest tell her that you wanna talk about the wedding...try to get the reason why she's avoiding you, and maybe she will open up to you*

[BrideInCuffs21]

So tonight guess what my mother brings up the subject of Joy.... AGAIN!!! So here's what she told me... my said that she is tired of being in the middle of this... ummm Hello last time I checked mother you brought yourself into this... you are soooo worried about the reception site cost increasing because Joy won't be in the wedding... boo f hoo... sorry bout the language...

So my mom sprawls on me that she saw Joys brother this past week and told me that he talked to his sister and she wanted to know when I was getting everybody together to go look at dresses... AGAIN!!! Ummm... You have never called me Joy!!!!

So my mom is playing the drama queen and wouldn't talk to me tonight be she is tired of being caught in the middle of it... AGAIN I saw YOU BROUGHT YOURSELF INTO THIS... so then my mom gets my father involved in all of this... my dad's altamatum was basically Joy deserves a phone call from me and to be in the wedding because SHE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM... and so my parents say I am a lousy friend...

I cannot tell you ladies how betrayed I feel by my family, on my and FH wedding plans. I don't know what else to do... all I can say is that Joy having her brother relay information to my mom shows her guiltiness in the fact that she has been a lousy a*& friend... I have never been so upset with everything and I am to the point of calling off the wedding and doing to courthouse....

I have ran out of options and ways to show my family that I have tried and tried for the past 1year or more with this person and I am the one getting a slap in the face and walked all over... all for the sake of a price of a reception hall.... so my dignity is in the crapper...:hothead:

[septemberbride06]

Is your mother paying for a big portion of the ceremony? you need to stand up for yourself girlie....tell your mom to butt out, I STILL don't understand why she is SOO worried. It's gotta be more than just the hall at this point

[BrideInCuffs21]

My mother seems like she is sooo worried about whether Joy;s feelings are going to be hurt or not, and the venue... but let's look at who is hurting now because her family has seemed to side with someone that wants nothing to do with their daughter... ME.... I don't feel like I need to keep putting all this effort into something that for the past year I have not gotten anything out of... so this is my altamatum to my mother since I will be seeing her tomorrow... she will either butt out of this whole subject matter OR I will call off the wedding and go to the courthouse.... I don;t need all this hoopla and stress to ruin me marrying the one I love... but I do realize that I will save my parents alot of money... by going to the courthouse.. and I am fine with that!!!

[BrideInCuffs21]

UPDATE!!!

So today I was spending a day with my MOH... I explained the Joy situation and she did this...

My MOH ended up calling Joy and left a voicemail saying along the lines of "This is Bleep I just was calling to let you know that us girls in Kelly's wedding are getting together for dress fittings, I was given your name and number and I need to know your schedule for this"

So approx 15 minutes later my MOHs phone rings... its Joy!!! How convient that Joy can call my MOH whom she doesnt know but can't call me...

SO my MOH answered and this is the folowing things I heard directly from the horse's mouth... So Joy ends up telling my MOH... that....

1. "I wasn't suppose to receive this call, this is a mistake."
2. "We use to be close in high school, but we aren't friends anymore, we've grown apart."
3. "I live 2.5hours away"
4. "I wasnt expecting to be in her wedding, and Im not upset that Im not."
5. "I haven't spoken to Kelly in months"

And there was someting else but I am so upset, not hurt, but upset that she said this to a complete, stanger, and lied about the me not calling her...

So there ladies I have gotten my answer bascially.. I am done with her, if she is too call I am not answering I am done with this drama. Now trying to get mom to understand, let's just say my aunt, grandma, grandpa, and I reemed into her and she still doesn't get it but I have the above people on my side and told me I need not worry about this no body anymore!!!

[bichonlvr]

Well I guess at least you know!

That totally stinks though...why is she playing these games? Why would her brother ask your mom about dress shopping, etc.?

Do not worry about the things she says, she obviously is clueless about things and seems not clear on how to be a good friend!!

As for your mom tell her Joy does not WANT to be in the wedding and that your MOH took the call. Or have your MOH tell your mom to BACK OFF!!!!!

I would not even invite her to the wedding if I were you, Joy, not your mom LOL :)

[BrideInCuffs21]

I can't even tell you ladies how much I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to worry about Joy anymore, which I am not upset about. I can have an awesome wedding without the added stress of the BS.

Now I just need to try and get my over bearing mother to back the h*ll off... ugh The sad thing is my mother has already got a list of songs SHE wants played at the wedding, a list people good lord, AND she has a list of photos SHE WANTS taken... so where is my FH or I wants or needs in here....