SerendipityCrafts
10-11-2007, 01:56 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm instead of rolling
on the floor laughing while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think
I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated
it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh... are you qualified to ask that
question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.
American Courts, and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm instead of rolling
on the floor laughing while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think
I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated
it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh... are you qualified to ask that
question?
________________________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.