need some advice or just someone to read! Distressed! OT

[EarlyBird]

Okay, i know we all talk about our FH on here in only the good times, but right now, i desperatly need to cry about some stuff going on b/c my 2 best friends can not be reached -

FH may or may not have left me tonight and I am pretty much a wreck. Most people will say "you should even be together if someone does this" but i think everyone on here can honestly relate so im going to try it out here..

Well as you know about 2 months ago i lost my job. Im still working for the company i worked for but only on a contract basis like every couple days.
I think its driving fh nuts that im home all the time and really am lacking anything to do. My schedule stayed the same as far as i still only clean the house one day, so i dont have that to do, i do laundry every day, so it never piles up. and all our bills are paid online so i dont have that to go out and take care of- basically im always in the house- i know everyone needs a little alone time, i have been trying to give it to him (and me!) but its hard since his schedule is all night times!!- we are both home all day.
I admit i have not really been actively searching for a job cuz i was hoping business would pick up and i would have my old job full time back. - i guess thats bothering him too- and honestly, it bothers me, but i am so fearful of doing something i hate as a job and losing my chance at the old job if it becomes available again. i know thats silly its just something i am hanging on about. Thats my own thing, i have to get over one way or the other!

Another thing is that i have been downright MEAN- I have been so mean b/c i have been so sad lately- i have been constantly asking fh to give me his checks for the bills and thats killing me, cuz im used to being able to able to usually pay for most of it- its hard to let go of our independence. I know he doesnt feel the stress as much, but i pay the bills each and every time, so i see whats due, when etc - and i dread asking him (even though he doesnt care and i know i shouldnt dread it- its like letting go of myself a little there)
I have been finding every reason to call him an a-hole and blame him for everything to take blame off myself for anything. On top of that ihave been mean while he was in the hospital for 2 days- I am pissed that im like this right now, but i think everyone can relate to when your just not a happy person and you take it out on the wrong ones or the closest ones.

Tonight i pulled another one of my "ignore him" acts and when he spoke i wouldnt speak back- for no reason except that i was upset i had fallen and cut my knee wide open (taking things out on him again)
Finally he told me that he didnt like me very much and that he didnt want to spend his life with me, the mean girl, he wanted to spend his life with the girl he asked to marry. I was hurt and asked if he was leaving me and he said "sadly, yes, i love you very much but i dont like you right now" He admitted that he was upset about the job and about not doing anything all day etc etc- He said we had agreed i wouldnt work once we had kids, and this not working now was not in our plans.
He had to work tonight so he left at 11pm and doesnt get home till 8am- but i dont know if he will come home - he said "of course i have to come home my clothes are there etc, but i cant say if i am staying, i dont think i am"

I am struggling with myself not to go to his work - i know thats terrible to do, i know it would make it worse, but im so upset.

I have been so emotional and miserable the last 2 months- this does not help at all!! I dont blame him for my misery b/c honestly, he makes me the happiest person alive, but i just dont know what to do- He has not let on this was going to happen and i think he might have just made the decision today- b/c last night he was more then loving, telling me how much he loved me and how i was the best etc ! He is not usually like this where he will change moods or have moodswings. he has been known to be cranky but i dont know to this extent.

Ugh- i dont mean to sound crazy but i just needed to talk!

[EarlyBird]

Okay, i know we all talk about our FH on here in only the good times, but right now, i desperatly need to cry about some stuff going on b/c my 2 best friends can not be reached -

FH may or may not have left me tonight and I am pretty much a wreck. Most people will say "you should even be together if someone does this" but i think everyone on here can honestly relate so im going to try it out here..

Well as you know about 2 months ago i lost my job. Im still working for the company i worked for but only on a contract basis like every couple days.
I think its driving fh nuts that im home all the time and really am lacking anything to do. My schedule stayed the same as far as i still only clean the house one day, so i dont have that to do, i do laundry every day, so it never piles up. and all our bills are paid online so i dont have that to go out and take care of- basically im always in the house- i know everyone needs a little alone time, i have been trying to give it to him (and me!) but its hard since his schedule is all night times!!- we are both home all day.
I admit i have not really been actively searching for a job cuz i was hoping business would pick up and i would have my old job full time back. - i guess thats bothering him too- and honestly, it bothers me, but i am so fearful of doing something i hate as a job and losing my chance at the old job if it becomes available again. i know thats silly its just something i am hanging on about. Thats my own thing, i have to get over one way or the other!

Another thing is that i have been downright MEAN- I have been so mean b/c i have been so sad lately- i have been constantly asking fh to give me his checks for the bills and thats killing me, cuz im used to being able to able to usually pay for most of it- its hard to let go of our independence. I know he doesnt feel the stress as much, but i pay the bills each and every time, so i see whats due, when etc - and i dread asking him (even though he doesnt care and i know i shouldnt dread it- its like letting go of myself a little there)
I have been finding every reason to call him an a-hole and blame him for everything to take blame off myself for anything. On top of that ihave been mean while he was in the hospital for 2 days- I am pissed that im like this right now, but i think everyone can relate to when your just not a happy person and you take it out on the wrong ones or the closest ones.

Tonight i pulled another one of my "ignore him" acts and when he spoke i wouldnt speak back- for no reason except that i was upset i had fallen and cut my knee wide open (taking things out on him again)
Finally he told me that he didnt like me very much and that he didnt want to spend his life with me, the mean girl, he wanted to spend his life with the girl he asked to marry. I was hurt and asked if he was leaving me and he said "sadly, yes, i love you very much but i dont like you right now" He admitted that he was upset about the job and about not doing anything all day etc etc- He said we had agreed i wouldnt work once we had kids, and this not working now was not in our plans.
He had to work tonight so he left at 11pm and doesnt get home till 8am- but i dont know if he will come home - he said "of course i have to come home my clothes are there etc, but i cant say if i am staying, i dont think i am"

I am struggling with myself not to go to his work - i know thats terrible to do, i know it would make it worse, but im so upset.

I have been so emotional and miserable the last 2 months- this does not help at all!! I dont blame him for my misery b/c honestly, he makes me the happiest person alive, but i just dont know what to do- He has not let on this was going to happen and i think he might have just made the decision today- b/c last night he was more then loving, telling me how much he loved me and how i was the best etc ! He is not usually like this where he will change moods or have moodswings. he has been known to be cranky but i dont know to this extent.

Ugh- i dont mean to sound crazy but i just needed to talk!

[tinkerjew]

OMG Honey... I don't know what to tell you... let's cross our fingers and hope that this is something the two of you can work out!

[Nekochanpurr]

Thats horrible. :( Hun, just breath! Make sure you guys actually exchange words when he gets back.. Tell him everything you've told us. It'll all work out.. God has a plan. :)

[shawnsgirl]

From the way you are posting here it seems the two of you are lacking a lot of communication in your relationship. You recognize the issues and it's not fair to take your stress and frustrations out on the one person that loves you the most. He's not the cause but he can be the solution in helping you. I think you really need to sit down and talk to him or you risk losing him forever. As well, you also need to work on opening up to him and communicating better...

I guess one thing kind of baffles me..If the two of you live together why are you normally paying all of the bills?? Why doesn't he contribut half of the bills on a regular basis...Sorry maybe it's none of my business but it just seemed odd that you had to ask him to pay bills. DH and I split all the bills in half and if one is short on money the other pitches in and helps.

Good luck sweety...keep us updated

[EarlyBird]

Shawnsgirl,
Its not that i usually pay them, i just usually dont have to ask him for more then one check (he gets paid every week- so he has a total of 4- i only got paid every 2 weeks) - We have joint bank accounts so its usually an even amount in there, and usually there is money in there from previous months- Like if i put a check or two in and he puts a check or two in month- we will still have money in there the next month even after the bills have been paid. but b/c my personal bank account has been so low, i dipped into that bank account and the balance in the joint account was not usually as high as it was so i was like ummm you need to put alot more money in this month; stupid i know, but i didnt realize till i was in too deep. Also, it happens that we both made great money and never had to worry about money, so i usually just paid the every day bills out of my checks and it never really hurt me; He puts away from his checks for the wedding, 401k, health insurance and our cars- I dont pay any of that so i never really WANT to ask him for money b/c of the fact that he pays alot for US out of his checks - Like i said, he thinks its silly that i feel funny asking, but i always worked and supported my lifestyle and everything (lifestyle meaning i like to go on vacation and buy things) So i always feel like in a sense my independence is missing a little.
Dont worry that you say it isnt your business, I mentioned money so i opened the gates :)

well, i probably could have mentioned this before that last paragraph but i wanted to answer your question, but last night fh was rushed to the hospital from work, He apparently got really sick again (if you read my previous post you know he was in the hospital last week) They originally thought he had kidney stones last week but it looks like it is something else. I just dropped home to take the dogs out and get a little mind clearing, but i have been up at the hospital since 3am last night- He is in good spirits. He told me he didnt know what he was thinking about saying he was leaving, i think he realized our communiction should be more open, cuz he said he held back alot so he just kind of let it all out last night- No excuse, but obviously, we will be discussing it AFTER he gets better-

Sorry for feeding you guys my drama here but sometimes it feels better to type then talk. I have been talking to doctors till i am blue in the face ALL night and this morning. We didnt even sleep last night- I am going on being up for like 40 hours- Ughhh... I hate hospitals- but back i go- ill probably talk to you guys a little later, im packing the computer up and bringing it so i can do some research on his medical stuff.

Thanks for all your kind words. I still dont know the outcome but right now, i could care less about my own feelings- obviously :)

[sjk1431]

:hug: good luck I hope it all works out and your FH gets better.

[candyt2009]

Earlybird i'm sorry you are going through a lot say a little pray before you go to bed and believe me it helps trust in your relationship that he will come back he love you very much when he get home let him know how you feel about not working, that you have a lot of stress on you and that you don't mean to be so mean to him let him know that you love him and everything will work out fine :hug:

[frenchie]

That's rough but I hope you can work it out. Sounds like having a few hours to himself helped him to calm down and think things over.
What worries me is that he had thoughts of leaving you before actually trying to work things out. Sounds like he's too quick to give up. Relationships take patience and perseverance.
It's not your fault you lost your job, and he's not being very supportive of you. He's acting like he expects marriage to be easy all the time.

[KMS]

I hope that he is doing much better today. I hope that things are much better between you two as well. We all go through rocky times, but usually we fix the problem and have a stronger relationship because of it. Good luck!

[Smashingpennies]

Ok! I am going to break it down so that we can talk about each problem.



FH may or may not have left me tonight and I am pretty much a wreck. Most people will say "you should even be together if someone does this" but i think everyone on here can honestly relate so im going to try it out here..

Let me tell you, when you are stressed about planning a wedding and lossing a job, this will happen. I tried to stop the wedding so many times, that I lost count.

Well as you know about 2 months ago i lost my job. Im still working for the company i worked for but only on a contract basis like every couple days.
I think its driving fh nuts that im home all the time and really am lacking anything to do. My schedule stayed the same as far as i still only clean the house one day, so i dont have that to do, i do laundry every day, so it never piles up. and all our bills are paid online so i dont have that to go out and take care of- basically im always in the house- i know everyone needs a little alone time, i have been trying to give it to him (and me!) but its hard since his schedule is all night times!!- we are both home all day.
I admit i have not really been actively searching for a job cuz i was hoping business would pick up and i would have my old job full time back. - i guess thats bothering him too- and honestly, it bothers me, but i am so fearful of doing something i hate as a job and losing my chance at the old job if it becomes available again. i know thats silly its just something i am hanging on about. Thats my own thing, i have to get over one way or the other!

First stop blaming yourself, you didn't try and lose your job. Communication is SO important. My husband and I fight a lot when we are stressed. I was really stressed a few months ago, so much so that I was ready to walk out the door just about at any time during the fight. I know how you feel about losing a job, I lost mine about a year after we got married and I acted a lot like you did. You need to talk to your FH and let him know how you feel and that while he might not understand whey you feel that way, you still want to feel like your helping out.

Another thing is that i have been downright MEAN- I have been so mean b/c i have been so sad lately- i have been constantly asking fh to give me his checks for the bills and thats killing me, cuz im used to being able to able to usually pay for most of it- its hard to let go of our independence. I know he doesnt feel the stress as much, but i pay the bills each and every time, so i see whats due, when etc - and i dread asking him (even though he doesnt care and i know i shouldnt dread it- its like letting go of myself a little there)
I have been finding every reason to call him an a-hole and blame him for everything to take blame off myself for anything. On top of that ihave been mean while he was in the hospital for 2 days- I am pissed that im like this right now, but i think everyone can relate to when your just not a happy person and you take it out on the wrong ones or the closest ones.

Sometimes we can be meanest to the ones we love. When we had the fight a few months ago, I said some things that really hurt my husband, and if I hadn't been so hurt myself I would have stopped when I saw how much I had hurt his feelings. Instead I just kept at it and it was not at all like me.

Tonight i pulled another one of my "ignore him" acts and when he spoke i wouldnt speak back- for no reason except that i was upset i had fallen and cut my knee wide open (taking things out on him again)
Finally he told me that he didnt like me very much and that he didnt want to spend his life with me, the mean girl, he wanted to spend his life with the girl he asked to marry. I was hurt and asked if he was leaving me and he said "sadly, yes, i love you very much but i dont like you right now" He admitted that he was upset about the job and about not doing anything all day etc etc- He said we had agreed i wouldnt work once we had kids, and this not working now was not in our plans.
He had to work tonight so he left at 11pm and doesnt get home till 8am- but i dont know if he will come home - he said "of course i have to come home my clothes are there etc, but i cant say if i am staying, i dont think i am"

Sometimes we have to remember; that we hurt ourselves more by acting this way, I do the same thing to my husband, and I was even worse as I used the kids to relay messages and I try never to involve the kids in fights.

I am struggling with myself not to go to his work - i know thats terrible to do, i know it would make it worse, but im so upset.

Sometimes we have to be the bigger person and say I am sorry first. I see no problem if you know you won't start fighting to go to his work and tell him your sorry.

I have been so emotional and miserable the last 2 months- this does not help at all!! I dont blame him for my misery b/c honestly, he makes me the happiest person alive, but i just dont know what to do- He has not let on this was going to happen and i think he might have just made the decision today- b/c last night he was more then loving, telling me how much he loved me and how i was the best etc ! He is not usually like this where he will change moods or have moodswings. he has been known to be cranky but i dont know to this extent.

This can be normal; you are both under a lot of stress, I have know my husband to do the same thing. It might annoy you, but let him have his moment to show you how much he loves you. My husband usually says if leaving me will make you happy, then I won't stop you. When all I want him to do is take me in his arms and tell me your mine and your never going to go anywere without me. My husband also usually says what he thinks I want to hear and this can cause just as much problems. Let yourselves have some space and then talk to him. Tell him how you feel and why, then talk things through.

Ugh- i dont mean to sound crazy but i just needed to talk!

You are not crazy and that is what we are here for is to help others out.

[tinkerjew]

I'm glad he's doing a lot better, and I'm glad the two of you were able to work things out; I was talking to Larry about you today and telling him how I hoped that you two could work stuff out.

Big hugs, Sweetie, and hang in there. And communicate, communicate, communicate!

[Smashingpennies]

Glad to hear you got things worked out; I hope that his health improves. I'll keep him and you in my thoughts.

[val24]

glad things are working out

communication is the best thing in the relationship

it is hard when both people are working and one loses his/her job. me and fh have been there and it is not pretty, we made it work with lots of bumps on the way.

The one thing you could do with the bills is show him what is due or how much is due every month so he gets a better understanding of what you have to pay. Then figure out a plan of who pays what for now. Then when you get a job or get your old one back it can go back to the way it was. Just keep each other posted of what money situation is out there.
It does suck to ask for money but you are living together and getting married so sometimes we just have to ask

Good luck it is not easy and sometimes it is so hard to be patient when things get tough.

hope he feels better :)

[shawnsgirl]

I hope you FH is doing better..Please don't apologize for your posts. I think you needed to vent and get some good non biased advice here..Which is hard to find.

DH and I argue most when things that should be said is left unsaid. Eventually it adds up and it will all come out at once.

Its very important for the both of you to communicate effectively. When you stressed out or upset the worst thing you can do is play the ignoring game and get upset with DH when he is not that cause. I think the two of you really need to work on those things and recognizing the problem is half the battle. You both obviously love eachother so much and communication is the best and most important thing in a relationship to help it survive...

[SouthernQueenBride]

I think that just about every couple goes thru those rough spots in your engagement where you question, "Should we get married". This thought might not stick b/c you quickly relize what is important and/or being communicating effectivly.

This same thing happened to me and Brandon a few months back and it was soooo tough - I honestly thought that we had reached the end. But it turned out to be a lack of communication issue. He had some major stress and problems that I knew NOTHING about and was taking out all his anger and frustration on me... (like not talking, picking fights about the littlest stuff, etc.) He had NEVER done anything like that before so I finally figured out that it wasnt ME that he was mad at - it was his situation. So we had a Loooooong heart to heart talk and things VASTLY improved. We both know now where mistakes were made so when another problem comes up we avoid that route all together.

I pray that your FH is feeling better and I am glad knowing that you and your FH are on a road of open communication. Just don't lose sight of why you love and appreciate him. He could have been like me and not understand WHY you were acting the way that you were. Just talk to him once he is better and explain everything and lay EVERYTHING out on the table and work to some understanding and solutions. You will be fine... just don't give up and don't get discouraged. Maybe you could get yourself involved in a hoppy that you could turn into some quick cash. You made those AWESOME monograms for me. You could EASILY charge a few bucks for them! It is not enough to pay the bills but it could make you feel valuable doing something in your spare time that contriubutes a little bit. Just a thought... but hang in there darlin! (((HUGS)))

[EarlyBird]

I guess since i discussed everythingn on this post, im going to continue it on here. Well we go released from the hospital yesterday- WITH NO ANSWERS!! they confirmed that in fact his pain is not from kidney stones (as previously was told to us last week when he went into the hospital!!) They have no answers and said he needs to go to a specialist- he will be going tomorrow and obviously we are both very scared as they are testing him for a bunch of cancers and diseases too. If anyone remembers, say a little prayer.

Last night we decided to try not to think about the dr. visit and just went to dinner. We tried talking about what happened and i got very emotional. We just discussed why he thought he was going to just pick up and leave without trying to work it out, and he said, deep down he wasnt going to, that he knew he had that 8 hours at work to calm down and i would be asleep when he came home, so he admitted he said things just to hurt me. Truthfully, I am upset, but i kind of have put the shoe on the other foot and remember, i do that too. and honestly, alot of people do that.
I also spoke with him about the job a little bit and explain how hard this was for me too, he said he understands and the jab about sitting home all day was just a jab b/c he knows i clean and cook and do everything else around the house all day- I understand his need to have a couple hours alone every now and then. Afterall, i get alot of alone time when he goes to work, so i guess i dont feel that pressure of not having any time to myself- His only time to himself is at work.
It really did boil down to the fact that he doesnt like to upset me by saying anything right when it bothers him, so he holds it in until he explodes. he knows he cant do that anymore, b/c honestly, after being rushed to the hospital and quite frankly he was worried i had left him after all the horrible things i said- Until i got to the hospital, he wasnt sure if i was coming, and he said he was crying- when i walked in the room he was crying, i just figured it was cuz he was in pain..

Also, thank you girls for all your help,its so helpful to hear that most people go through this while in the planning stages. I am getting pressure from his mom to pick everything for the wedding RIGHT NOW!!! and i told him that is he talks to her and asks her to stop, i will be able to take it at my own pace and probably be a little less stressed. He agreed that this has been a new year for us (new meaning completely different) We bought a house, took on alot of bills, he started a new position at work, we got engaged, got two puppies, etc etc- everything is different, and soi guess the way we have to deal with problems should be different too.

It was really good to get an unbiased opinion. Every one of my friends thinks FH is perfect meaning he doesnt get mad, doesnt complain or over react- they think i do all that- and quite honestly, they never give me advice without bashing me, they are good friends, i guess they just think that b/c they dont ever see mike doing any of this, he doesnt do it- the thing they dont realize is that he is just a gentleman, he wont do that in front of other people. There is only one friend that really gives good advice and doesnt take ANY side- :) and unfortantley i didnt want to tell her about this fight b/c by time i reached her he was in the hospital.

Ugh- it was a terrible weekend, but this is a brand new week and something good is bound to happen.

[bichonlvr]

I am glad you are feeling better...and it makes me feel better!

I think I about called off the wedding this past weekend because of his Ex wife and him protecting her! I am soo sick of hearing how nice she is and how he willl always care for her BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! I finally said if she is soo great go abck and be with her...well that just set him off YUCK YUCK YUCK!

Everything will work out!

You guys are for sure in my thoughts etc.

[EarlyBird]

You will be in mine too now that i heard your story- Guys sometimes just DONT THINK when they speak right???

:)

[septemberbride06]

I think the ex thing is just a "guy thing" when me & Joe first met and I had to see his ex every weekend when we picked up his son and she came to pick him up and what not. He told me that they were on again off again for liek 2 yrs.!!!! hello..that's not what you wanna tell yor NEW GF..lol...I freaked out like oh great, he;s gonna dump me for her cause she has his kid..yada yada..lol.
He still tells me that he respects her for giving birth to his son (he's big on respecting women)??? sounds weird but makes since....I guess...I just can't believe he;d say that considering all the problems she has given us just this yr. alone!!!

[Measha]

As the others have said, we all go through rough patches. Jon and I haven't been exactly peachy lately. I'm stressed a lot, so I'm snippy, which makes him all edgey. Which of course leads to any little thing setting us both off.

He's never threatened to leave, but I have. Not something I am proud of, but we've gone through some very rough times over the past four years. Sometimes...even if you KNOW you won't do it, it just sounds like the easiest out. The fastest way to get away from the situation. Though you soon realize you'll only become more miserable in doing so.

Relationships are a learning process. And no matter what anyone says, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. You just have to hang in there, when you know it's worth it. You might not always like each other, but you'll always love each other.

I'm sorry to hear about the hospital issues. Can't be making it any easier on either of you. Try not to stress over it too much, worrying will wear you down :(. You'll both be in my prayers.