His mother - arghh!

[andysgirl07]

Hey guys, today while I was at Andrew's house, his mom was talking to me. We have always gotten along and talked about all kinds of things. I always felt sorry for all the ladies who had problems with their FMILs because I thought mine wasn't going to be so bad. BUT lo and behold, today was the day I think it's began....

She started by saying something about his brother (Andrew is the youngest out of three) and how his fiance is mad at her for something. Then she said, "She's taken him away from me and now you're taking Andrew away from me too." **I have been prepared for her to say this obviously since he's the youngest, but keep in mind I am an only child too so I'm sure my mom feels like that too although she's never said that TO Andrew.** I kinda laughed and said, "Oh no, I could never take him away from you." I thought she was semi-joking. But then she starts saying, "Well I guess I should look at it as I'm getting a daughter (big sigh here), but you're still taking him. And I guess ya'll will want to live near your family too. Or are you gonna drag him to Birmingham? [which is where I'm going to work -hopefully- when I graduate] I'll bet that's what'll happen. Ya'll will move down there for your job and I'll never see ya'll."

WHAT?? Ummm, no. Me and Andrew want to stay around the town we grew up in. Where at (closer to mine or his family) hasn't been decided. In fact, I had figured it'll just be wherever we find our "perfect" house. So, ladies, I understand why she'd be upset, but WHY would she be mean about it like that? And what do I say if she brings it up again? I just told her today, "We haven't decided anything about where we'll live. We need a house first."

[WhiskeyGirl]

Have you told your fiance what she said and asked him to speak with her? Maybe the three of you can all sit down and talk about her feelings and concerns!! Thats what I would do! Hope things get better for you!!

[andysgirl07]

I haven't been able to tell him about it yet. He had to leave for work like 5 minutes after she said that and we didn't have a chance to be alone long enough for me to tell him. I'm hoping he can talk to her and maybe explain that we have no plans as of yet before we start looking for a house. Maybe that will help her chill out. I don't know it just upset me that she would be so hateful about it.

[WhiskeyGirl]

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't take that lightly either! Perhaps she is just feeling the stress of the wedding...I feel for ya and I hope you can get it all figured out soon! And besides you are not stealing her son away, you are promising to love him for a life time!! I'm sure she will come around. Take care!

[Tiggerprincess]

Hey guys, today while I was at Andrew's house, his mom was talking to me. We have always gotten along and talked about all kinds of things. I always felt sorry for all the ladies who had problems with their FMILs because I thought mine wasn't going to be so bad. BUT lo and behold, today was the day I think it's began....

She started by saying something about his brother (Andrew is the youngest out of three) and how his fiance is mad at her for something. Then she said, "She's taken him away from me and now you're taking Andrew away from me too." **I have been prepared for her to say this obviously since he's the youngest, but keep in mind I am an only child too so I'm sure my mom feels like that too although she's never said that TO Andrew.** I kinda laughed and said, "Oh no, I could never take him away from you." I thought she was semi-joking. But then she starts saying, "Well I guess I should look at it as I'm getting a daughter (big sigh here), but you're still taking him. And I guess ya'll will want to live near your family too. Or are you gonna drag him to Birmingham? [which is where I'm going to work -hopefully- when I graduate] I'll bet that's what'll happen. Ya'll will move down there for your job and I'll never see ya'll."

WHAT?? Ummm, no. Me and Andrew want to stay around the town we grew up in. Where at (closer to mine or his family) hasn't been decided. In fact, I had figured it'll just be wherever we find our "perfect" house. So, ladies, I understand why she'd be upset, but WHY would she be mean about it like that? And what do I say if she brings it up again? I just told her today, "We haven't decided anything about where we'll live. We need a house first."
Shes a lot like all motheras..She is afraid of losing her little boy..She loves him and cant picture him leaving.Its nothing aginst you but rather out of realizing her las boy is leaving the nest...I know my brother is loder than me and she still cries at the thought of him leaving home and gettin married..Everything will be ok..Hang in there

[WebLady]

This is a quite common issue, there have even been movies about it ;)

I do understand how stressing this can be! I say you really need to talk to your fiancé about it and then the 2 of you should talk to her together.

Try to be understanding of her feelings but explain your feelings too ... and no, she shouldn't have been mean but I am sure she didn't see it as mean. Ensure her that you guys will still be a part of her life after the wedding. (like it was mentioned in an above post, many Moms feel that the new wife will take their "baby" away)

Whatever happens try not to let it get you down and don't let this ruin your wedding day.

I know it is easier said than done ... I have come to the point in my personal life that if you (as in family, friends or people in general) can't be loving, positive and supportive of me and my life (no, you don't have to agree) then you don't have to be a part of it.

Good luck to all of you.

~ WebLady :)

[Tiggerprincess]

This is a quite common issue, there have even been movies about it ;)

I do understand how stressing this can be! I say you really need to talk to your fiancé about it and then the 2 of you should talk to her together.

Try to be understanding of her feelings but explain your feelings too ... and no, she shouldn't have been mean but I am sure she didn't see it as mean. Ensure her that you guys will still be a part of her life after the wedding. (like it was mentioned in an above post, many Moms feel that the new wife will take their "baby" away)

Whatever happens try not to let it get you down and don't let this ruin your wedding day.

I know it is easier said than done ... I have come to the point in my personal life that if you (as in family, friends or people in general) can't be loving, positive and supportive of me and my life (no, you don't have to agree) then you don't have to be a part of it.

Good luck to all of you.

~ WebLady :)
I agree with you completely!!

[usahgrad]

... and no, she shouldn't have been mean but I am sure she didn't see it as mean.

I think this is why there's so many problems with FMiLs and MiLs. I think that they don't tend to think about how what they say is going to sit with the woman who knows that it's not going to be an easy relationship between the two of them (thanks Oedipus!). I would have to go with everyone else and say, talk to your FH, tell him how uncomfortable it made you feel. I'd be very cautious about confronting her together (although I think it's best) because she could feel like you're turning him on her. Just make sure when you two do sit down to talk to her that you express above all, that you love her and you love the idea of blending the two families together. Good luck! I'm waiting for this to happen with my FMiL...not loosing him quite so much as some comment about me taking her place. She saw him less often when I wasn't around and grandchildren on our side are going to necessitate that we see them, but just that she isn't the highest reguarded woman in his life anymore...it'll be interesting, because I'm not so good at holding my tongue and his mother's mom has already stretched my limits...

[WebLady]

... I'd be very cautious about confronting her together (although I think it's best) because she could feel like you're turning him on her...

I agree, however if you talk to her without your FH there too, the situation could get worse and then she would have a chance to turn him against you, saying that you said things and that you were starting trouble with her ... I have seen that happen before. So that is why I would get your FH involved so there is no room for 'but she said'. If you feel uncomfortable around her then try not to be alone with her. There might also be the chance that she won't admit to doing or saying anything wrong in front of her son. I have also seen cases (in real life as well as movies) where the son takes the side of his mom.

I hope it all works out well for you!

Best wishes,

~ WebLady :)

[bnd94]

Hey guys, today while I was at Andrew's house, his mom was talking to me. We have always gotten along and talked about all kinds of things. I always felt sorry for all the ladies who had problems with their FMILs because I thought mine wasn't going to be so bad. BUT lo and behold, today was the day I think it's began....

She started by saying something about his brother (Andrew is the youngest out of three) and how his fiance is mad at her for something. Then she said, "She's taken him away from me and now you're taking Andrew away from me too." **I have been prepared for her to say this obviously since he's the youngest, but keep in mind I am an only child too so I'm sure my mom feels like that too although she's never said that TO Andrew.** I kinda laughed and said, "Oh no, I could never take him away from you." I thought she was semi-joking. But then she starts saying, "Well I guess I should look at it as I'm getting a daughter (big sigh here), but you're still taking him. And I guess ya'll will want to live near your family too. Or are you gonna drag him to Birmingham? [which is where I'm going to work -hopefully- when I graduate] I'll bet that's what'll happen. Ya'll will move down there for your job and I'll never see ya'll."

WHAT?? Ummm, no. Me and Andrew want to stay around the town we grew up in. Where at (closer to mine or his family) hasn't been decided. In fact, I had figured it'll just be wherever we find our "perfect" house. So, ladies, I understand why she'd be upset, but WHY would she be mean about it like that? And what do I say if she brings it up again? I just told her today, "We haven't decided anything about where we'll live. We need a house first."

I don't know what tone she used or anything but I wouldn't take this too hard. In her eyes you are taking him from her and really you are.....in a way. It's not like she will never see him again but I can understand what she means. Empty nest syndrome hits people differently. Alot of people get really depressed when their last child gets married. It makes it even more official that he is an adult and will have a family of his own now. You are the main woman in his life now and probably before she felt like it was her. She has been since he was a baby. I can imagine it is hard when we all grow up and don't need our parents anymore(all the time anyway) My FMIL says some things that could be taken in a bad way, but I know she doesn't mean it like that. Sometimes people say things before thinking about how they could be taken. So don't worry too much I don't think it sounds like she is going to turn in to a monster or anything. She's just going to be missing her baby. You should tell her your plans for not moving I bet it would make her feel alot better.:D

[andysgirl07]

I told Andrew about it last night when he got off work and this morning he talked to her about it. She said she didn't realize it sounded as bad as it did. Then she apologized to me. It turns out that his brother and his fiance are thinking about moving down to live near her parents (that explains why the moving thing came up all of a sudden). So we all talked (we told her we do not plan to move out of our county) and now we're about to head out for a late lunch together. I'm really glad that we could all talk about it together. So hopefully this is a sign of what future disagreements can turn out like!

[WebLady]

I told Andrew about it last night when he got off work and this morning he talked to her about it. She said she didn't realize it sounded as bad as it did. Then she apologized to me. It turns out that his brother and his fiance are thinking about moving down to live near her parents (that explains why the moving thing came up all of a sudden). So we all talked (we told her we do not plan to move out of our county) and now we're about to head out for a late lunch together. I'm really glad that we could all talk about it together. So hopefully this is a sign of what future disagreements can turn out like!

YEAH! So glad to hear that it turned out well for you! Hopfully it will stay that way and you guys can have a good relationship :D

I loved my MIL ... I call her that because we were close, she was a wonderful lady and I am glad that we had a relationship even before my DH and I got married. I could call and talk to her and she would always listen and she was always loving and supportive. I wish she could have seen us get married ... I miss her so much :( I sometimes wish my own mother could be more like she was.

Sorry, I guess something just hit me there.

Best wishes to everyone!

~ WebLady :)

[Tiggerprincess]

I told Andrew about it last night when he got off work and this morning he talked to her about it. She said she didn't realize it sounded as bad as it did. Then she apologized to me. It turns out that his brother and his fiance are thinking about moving down to live near her parents (that explains why the moving thing came up all of a sudden). So we all talked (we told her we do not plan to move out of our county) and now we're about to head out for a late lunch together. I'm really glad that we could all talk about it together. So hopefully this is a sign of what future disagreements can turn out like!
I am glad it sounds like you all are workin things out..I told you it wasnt like what it seemed..My MIL get along beautifully.She stands up for me when me and BJ get into a slight dissagreement..I always thought she'd take hias side but w/ some mirracle she takes mine!!! I guess because her husband was 17yrs older than she is and BJ is 7 yrs older than me..

[bnd94]

I told Andrew about it last night when he got off work and this morning he talked to her about it. She said she didn't realize it sounded as bad as it did. Then she apologized to me. It turns out that his brother and his fiance are thinking about moving down to live near her parents (that explains why the moving thing came up all of a sudden). So we all talked (we told her we do not plan to move out of our county) and now we're about to head out for a late lunch together. I'm really glad that we could all talk about it together. So hopefully this is a sign of what future disagreements can turn out like!

That is great andysgirl! I know it means alot to me how well I get along with my FMIL. So I am so happy you all could talk it out!:D

[Jena1984]

My FH mother says the same things to me all the time. They seem selfish, and hurtfull don't they??? Tell your FH what she said, and have him take a stand with you. It is unfair for her to corner you like this, and it is not your responsibily to sit down with her and discuss where you plan to move in the future. Her "baby" is a man now and you are the woman in his life now, not her. She needs to let go. Your FH also needs to make sure he backs you up %110, or she will break you two. This is exactly what we have been dealing with lately in our lives!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!

[cowboysbride]

I experienced this with my ex husband's mother (oh the horror) and it was 100 times worse....try to be understanding but be firm and assure her that she is indeed gaining a wonderful DIL who loves her son and her too. If she turns into a monsterinlaw over it IGNORE her and talk calmly to your FH about it. Good luck and like someone else said it may be wedding stress talking and she may be fine after the wedding, if not who cares...he's your husband now and all little ducklings gotta waddle away from the nest and get wet at some point!